This is such a horrendous experience

[Reena]

I don't know if anyone can relate to this. Imagine doing so much for someone and they dump you later. 

 

[Reena]

I think deep down women like her lack self love. Huge acts of charity come from goodwill. But there is no need to show goodwill to someone who cannot appreciate it. I mean love should be reciprocal. I feel sorry that she will have to suffer. She didn't deserve that. 

Often we attract such undeserving situations in our life because we don't have enough empathy for the self. Love yourself the way you would love others. 

 

[Reena]

I remember being stuck in similar situations in the past where I would do huge acts of charity to my ex boyfriends and the end result would be them dumping me. 

I learned the harder way that idiotic compassion is not okay. 

Love is only meaningful when it's worth doing and being for someone.

When they are family. When you mean to them as much as they mean to you. 

 

[Mandy]

Gifts are not transactional, they are free of expectations. 

[Reena]

7 minutes ago, Mandy said:

Gifts are not transactional, they are free of expectations. 

Gifting someone is a kind gesture. However when someone is asking for help, I think it's idiotic compassion to go out of one's way to help them only for them to slam the door in the face. 

 

[Mandy]

6 minutes ago, Reena said:

Gifting someone is a kind gesture. However when someone is asking for help, I think it's idiotic compassion to go out of one's way to help them only for them to slam the door in the face. 

 

Would you want someone to feel beholden to you? Like if some guy paid for you to finish college, or if he gave you a kidney or his old car so you could keep your job, and then you felt like the relationship wasn't working, would you want to feel like you had to stay because of his gift? Aren't gifts just better left as gifts and not deposits to secure someone's love? That's not really a gift anymore, it's manipulation. It would be possible to break up after doing something for someone as friends with no hard feelings, still feeling as great about the gift as you did initially because it truly was a gift and there truly were no expectations. 

[Reena]

1 minute ago, Mandy said:

Would you want someone to feel beholden to you? Like if some guy paid for you to finish college, or if he gave you a kidney or his old car so you could keep your job, and then you felt like the relationship wasn't working, would you want to feel like you had to stay because of his gift? Aren't gifts just better left as gifts and not deposits to secure someone's love? That's not really a gift anymore, it's manipulation. It would be possible to break up after doing something for someone as friends with no hard feeling, still feeling as great about the gift as you did initially because it truly was a gift and there truly were no expectations. 

But there are people in this world who want to be with you just because they want your money or something else. In this situation he did not break up amicably. What you're describing is an amicable breakup and that will never hurt. Since there's still some residual love, just that they didn't get along. However in the example above, he cheated on her.

So she is devoted to caring for him to the extent of donating a kidney which is not the equivalent of gifting, and he repays her kindness by cheating on her? 

I feel like that was grossly unfair to her. 

 

[Mandy]

@Reena Maybe that's not the end of the story. Maybe he has a huge awakening in 10 years and maybe he saves someone else's life and pays it forward. You never know. It's always too soon to judge, and too soon to claim oneself or another a victim. She gave something because she wanted to. If her motives we unaligned than what is sown is reaped, if her motives were pure the gift is still a pure gift. Otherwise if she wants to feel good, she will need align with the gift if she isn't already. 

[Joseph Maynor]

Character is important when selecting relations.  Also, make sure your relation to yourself is a foundation rock for you.  Also, people will disappoint you in any relationship.  But there are red flags with people that you should be wary of getting too close to.  Stay away from people who add nothing of value to you.  You're better off going without in that case as long as your relationship with you is solid and happy.  I think less is more when it comes to trusting people.  There are a lot of crappy people out there.  Be defensive but not jaded.  They're not going to relate with you any better than they relate with themselves.  You want to relate with people who have self-love and self-respect who are then teed up to be good relations to others because they're a good relation to themselves.  It's good not to be needy on relations.  That neediness is what causes people to settle on a not so good connection with probably a not so good person.  It's easier to avoid a bad relation from the start than to become addicted to that person and then have to claw yourself out of it later and all the suffering that entails.

Edited November 21, 2023 by Joseph Maynor

[Jonas Long]

Seems like the people who "know" the most about relationships are the ones who have the least experience with them...which is odd.

[Phil]

@Reena

You’re expecting feeling to line up with thoughts; love to line up with beliefs. 

[Mandy]

20 minutes ago, Jonas Long said:

Seems like the people who "know" the most about relationships are the ones who have the least experience with them...which is odd.

People who know are odd. 

[Reena]

7 minutes ago, Phil said:

@Reena

You’re expecting feeling to line up with thoughts; love to line up with beliefs. 

How exactly? Show me the line that says that. 

[Reena]

8 minutes ago, Phil said:

@Reena

You’re expecting feeling to line up with thoughts; love to line up with beliefs. 

Do you mean that my feelings have to catch up with my thoughts? 

So you mean I have a sad thought and then my feelings are depressing? 

 

[Reena]

2 hours ago, Joseph Maynor said:

  It's easier to avoid a bad relation from the start than to become addicted to that person and then have to claw yourself out of it later and all the suffering that entails.

Edited 2 hours ago by Joseph Maynor

This is exactly what happened between me and my ex. I got addicted to him during the relationship and I couldn't crawl out of it. Everytime I thought to break off with him, it was getting harder. He was extremely abusive. Finally I dumped him for good. 

 

[Reena]

49 minutes ago, Jonas Long said:

Seems like the people who "know" the most about relationships are the ones who have the least experience with them...which is odd.

People who know the most about relationships are also the people who get into the wrong relationship all the time. It's like an inverse growth curve with relationships. The more you fall the more you learn. There is no holy grail. If whatever I wrote made any sense.

Edited November 21, 2023 by Reena

[Phil]

Just now, Reena said:

Do you mean that my feelings have to catch up with my thoughts? 

Feelings is the thought, feelings. There aren’t things the thought points to. Like the thought unicorns. 

 

Emotion isn’t experienced in a past or future, only presently.

 

Just now, Reena said:

So you mean I have a sad thought and then my feelings are depressing? 

Sad and my feelings are concepts. Emotion points to how those concepts feel. 

 

2 minutes ago, Reena said:

How exactly? Show me the line that says that. 

 

7 hours ago, Reena said:

I think deep down women like her lack self love.

7 hours ago, Reena said:

Huge acts of charity come from goodwill. But there is no need to show goodwill to someone who cannot appreciate it. I mean love should be reciprocal. I feel sorry that she will have to suffer. She didn't deserve that. 

Often we attract such undeserving situations in our life because we don't have enough empathy for the self. Love yourself the way you would love others. 

The underlying belief is that there is absolute & relative. 

[Phil]

17 minutes ago, Reena said:

People who know the most about relationships are also the people who get into the wrong relationship all the time. It's like an inverse growth curve with relationships. The more you fall the more you learn. There is no holy grail. If whatever I wrote made any sense.

There’s a holy grail. It’s obscured by the belief in a relative & an absolute. 

 

Ever wonder what a relationship might be like without people & knowing?

[Reena]

4 minutes ago, Phil said:

Ever wonder what a relationship might be like without people & knowing?

Describe it please. 

[Phil]

@Reena

It’s truly indescribable but happiness, love, peacefulness, selflessness, supportiveness, eagerness, passion, honesty, sincerity, integrity and co-creating come to mind. There’s no one to be right or wrong, or good or bad, so it’s also quite blissful & fulfilling in all aspects. But again though, in all honesty the holy grail can’t be put into words.