Resolving man hate?

[Reena]

Lately I'm beginning to hate men a bit too much. I'm seeing /feeling, noticing the massive surge in my feelings of pure hate and vitriol, bitterness and saltiness against men inside me. To the point that I might completely abolish the presence of a man in my life. And just stay single for the rest of my life. 

If you are wondering why this hate against men, just to clarify that it has nothing to do with feminist related material. I have never cared to read any of that. So no, I'm not brainwashed. 

 

The real reason I feel is that every time I talk to a man, I'm constantly having to deal with their air of superiority and it's getting  very annoying to the point of anger raging in me. In my mind the thought that arises is - "who the f do you think you are? Why do you feel so supreme and make me feel so small?" 

 I feel like a subordinate or secretary next to a man and I don't want to feel like second fiddle. I don't want that feeling where I constantly submit or pander to a man, to his fragile ego and my own authority is suppressed. Of course I can show my own power, but then it leads to arguments, fights and eventually I feel like I must leave for the sake of my own ego. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm usually very easy going and submissive in my relationships and dealings with men. So it's not like I try to be nasty on purpose or try to dominate. 

Nothing like that. I know it can feel very draining to be dominated by someone so I never tried to dominate any of the men in my past relationships. 

Yet I was always a bit attracted to dominating men due to polarity 

 

But something about all of this has begun to rub me the wrong way. The more submissive I become, the more I feel being kicked in the gut. I feel men can't control their own domination, especially dominant men. The more I succumb to their pressure, it doesn't seem like it gets better or I earn any respect or reward, it only gets worse, like I get treated even worse, dominated more, which kind of  begins to border on slowly eroding my basic core self respect and I reach a point where I feel "enough is enough" and my ego and blood pressure begins to go up from there and then I'm done trying to play nice. Of course this is not my authentic side. Maybe I'm just trying to please the man. Although my authentic side is not dominant either. I'm pretty submissive most of the time. It's just that the bar is not very high. So when the threshold is crossed, I begin to get nervous and then I lash out in pure hatred and anger and rage. Because I get upset that my submission wasn't respected. The ugly ego in me begins to surface when I feel like I have had enough. Then I'm reminded of feminist principles where I feel like I if I hold my own power, that would be far better. 

 

I've seen this fluctuating dynamic from feeling fragile, submissive, passive, loving to surging to anger, power, hate, empowerment, self assertion even in my past relationships. 

It's like initially I'm quite passive. But as the man begins to exert more control over my decisions and feelings, I slowly transform from a goat into a lioness. My entire demeanor changes and I begin to roar my self assertion. I feel like my self respect being challenged. 

 

Once I reach this point in a relationship or an interaction, that man loses value in my eyes and then I never look at that man again, that is I remove him from my life for good. 

 

Once I hate a man, the game is over. I hold a permanent grudge and gripe. I'm never even going to  bother to put my trust into the same man again. 

I don't like soured grapes. If a tiff has happened, I'm just jutting off for good to never come back. It's like a "cut the cord" moment. 

 

How do I resolve my man hate? 

Lately it has been tough. I'm constantly getting this feeling that I should be done with men for good. 

 

Also I don't feel like being submissive has any real reward. Of course I can't be dominating because I don't have that bone in me. Mostly I just recoil into my inner world and become avoidant. So it's neither submissive nor dominant state.

 

Is this the best way to carry forward in my life? To avoid men altogether? 

 

Sorry if this triggers anyone. Honesty is my intent in this post. 

 

Thanks in advance for any suggestions. 

 

 

 

[Reena]

Also another source of this hate is that I feel like I am constantly having to seek a man's approval which I fundamentally see as antithetical to a woman's freedom. Yes I'm aware that submission means seeking approval but submission can also mean easy going and agreeable. I'm more of the latter. I agree where I can agree but I don't wanna be a slave in the process 

The point I'm trying to make is that I want to be genuinely submissive yet not slavish and devoid of dignity or worth. I want to be nice and polite but not be trampled on. So when I feel like I am having to please a man's ego is where I exactly begin to feel repulsed. I don't want to compromise on my dignity and self respect yet still be nice, polite, friendly passive and submissive. Easy to get along and agreeable. Or submissive but with self enforced boundaries. 

 

Now the hate arises when I'm feeling like I'm pandering to a man and having to please him. Initially I'll do it just for the heck of it. But as time passes, I will begin  begrudging myself for it and then that's where I begin to hate interactions with men because I'm like sick of trying to please the male ego. Why should I even care? Right? Like I'm not going to be stroking his proverbial dick forever, you know? I reach a point where I say to myself "why am I even trying to please so hard, like fuck this shit." you get my point. There is no other better way to explain it. 

 

 

 

 

 

(The post was a bit long sorry). 

Edited October 16, 2023 by Reena

[Reena]

Also I'm done with the weak sauce kind of men. They're way too insecure for me to be handled gracefully. I would rather prefer to be blunt. Less stress that way. 

 

By weak sauce I mean men who feel easily challenged and cannot survive a fight with me. They become a headache because I don't want to be pandering to their weakness either. Like get your shit together instead of gaslighting me for your own  problems. 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 16, 2023 by Reena

[Mandy]

What if the idea of submission is a cover for insecurity, which is a cover for not really being there for yourself? Empower (love) yourself and you will attract and be attracted to men who do too. 

 

[Reena]

@Mandy I understand self love but how to handle men who constantly try to dominate you? 

[Mandy]

Just now, Reena said:

@Mandy I understand self love but how to handle men who constantly try to dominate you? 

In what way, how specifically, or what is a specific instance of this, if you don't mind sharing, does this happen? 

[Jonas Long]

22 minutes ago, Reena said:

@Mandy I understand self love but how to handle men who constantly try to dominate you? 

Isn't that their "traditional" role? 

[Orb]

28 minutes ago, Reena said:

@Mandy I understand self love but how to handle men who constantly try to dominate you? 

I wouldn't mess with guys like that at all, just leave them, walk away. Trying to dominate others is indicative of some kind of fucked up psychology.

[Jonas Long]

37 minutes ago, Reena said:

@Mandy I understand self love but how to handle men who constantly try to dominate you? 

 

[Jonas Long]

Its funny how the identification and preoccupation with what is "masculine or feminine" seems to cause more suffering to those who strongly believe in it than those who don't.  

[Jonas Long]

It seems like those who are most adamant about gender roles being a certain thing are also the ones who post the most about their complaints related to that. 

[Reena]

50 minutes ago, Mandy said:

In what way, how specifically, or what is a specific instance of this, if you don't mind sharing, does this happen? 

Like a guy who told me that he would break up with me if I didn't do psychedelics. 

I find it domineering and controlling. He would constantly threaten to dump me if I didn't do what he said. 

 

[Reena]

31 minutes ago, Jonas Long said:

Isn't that their "traditional" role? 

I think there's a slight difference between domination and proper leadership, the kind of analogous to the difference between Barack Obama and Donald Trump. Now try to imagine that. 

[Reena]

28 minutes ago, Orb said:

I wouldn't mess with guys like that at all, just leave them, walk away. Trying to dominate others is indicative of some kind of fucked up psychology.

I think you are right. For a long time I mixed up the ideas of domination and leadership and confused the two. Self asserting is not the same as dictating 

 

[Reena]

17 minutes ago, Jonas Long said:

Its funny how the identification and preoccupation with what is "masculine or feminine" seems to cause more suffering to those who strongly believe in it than those who don't.  

All suffering is not bad. With suffering also comes learning. 

[Orb]

8 minutes ago, Reena said:

I think you are right. For a long time I mixed up the ideas of domination and leadership and confused the two. Self asserting is not the same as dictating 

 

Yes totally. Leadership is based on Love and confidence, that dominating behavior you mentioned sounds more like manipulation and insecurity.

[Phil]

Resolving man hate is impossible. It’s like trying to become enlightened by loving Hitler. 

It’s trying to bend the spoon. 

 

Dissolving the emotion hate and shedding clarity on the corresponding interpretation or belief is entirely possible. 

(Realizing the truth). 

 

First… security, certainty… these are akin to peace, openness and only found in being. 

Then… two people share that with each other, and discuss practical aspects to see if they’re a good fit for each other. 

 

Whereas once I averted; now I do not. 

[Reena]

12 minutes ago, Orb said:

Yes totally. Leadership is based on Love and confidence, that dominating behavior you mentioned sounds more like manipulation and insecurity.

100%

[Jonas Long]

21 minutes ago, Reena said:

I think there's a slight difference between domination and proper leadership, the kind of analogous to the difference between Barack Obama and Donald Trump. Now try to imagine that. 

Like how Obama actually deported more immigrants than trump, but trump brags about it while Obamas deportation and drone strikes that killed innocent civilizations were done more discreetly?  More tastefully?

[Reena]

6 minutes ago, Phil said:

Resolving man hate is impossible. It’s like trying to become enlightened by loving Hitler. 

It’s trying to bend the spoon. 

 

Dissolving the emotion hate and shedding clarity on the corresponding interpretation or belief is entirely possible. 

(Realizing the truth). 

 

First… security, certainty… these are akin to peace, openness and only found in being. 

Then… two people share that with each other, and discuss practical aspects to see if they’re a good fit for each other. 

 

Whereas once I averted; now I do not. 

This. Totally.