In for Tea (unclaimed journal)

[Mandy]

Sometimes I've made comments and jokes about people before about things I was sure they were completely confident about, only to realize they weren't at all, and the joke was taken as hurtful. I always assumed that men's looks didn't matter, they didn't matter to me, had no real bearing on the experience of attraction, so that meant every male was secure in his looks because that's "how it was". Ooopps. Insecurity is the simple assumption that others are secure, but you, EXCEPT you. It's like everything mean that was ever said, out of loving "it's all good" teasing or out of aim to harm comes from the assumption that that person is secure. It's like we want everyone to be completely insecure, thinking that if they are, if they let go of it, we can steal it, grab it. 

 

But no one HAS it at all. And no one is missing it either. 

 

Literally NO ONE is confident. 

[Mandy]

"The worst thing that can happen to an individual is that it gets everything it wants because then it can't explain its discontent"

[Mandy]

😂😂😂

 

It's SO funny.

 

It's like the worst thing you could do as a novelist is write your character into total happiness, although I always wanted that as a reader. ROFLOL I never got it though. 

[Mandy]

Tics, Twitches: Fear. A feeling of being watched by others.

 

WOAH Louise. It's like you're watching me. 

 

 

[Mandy]

CLEAN UP ON AISLE FIVE. CLEAN UP ON AISLE FIVE!!! 

 

The thoughts about my business right now are not feeling great. I got an order last night and yelled, something like "NO stop buying from me, I don't want to do it." 

 

Laziness. Why should I bother cleaning this up? So what if there's spaghetti sauce all over the aisle? It'll entertain someone as long as they don't want to go down that aisle. They'll be like "HA, SOME IDIOT DROPPED A JAR OF SPAGHETTI SAUCE! Haha." 

 

How do I want my grocery store to look? Fun. Creative. Enticing.....                 Clean.

 

Fuck. 

 

How do I want my business to feel?

 

Now I want to cry. Crying. 

 

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't believe that people want to pay for what I actually want to do. (Hold on! That's not me, that's not my experience.) Is that identity or is this question applied nonduality? 

 

I believe that if I don't stay on this hamster wheel that my customers will leave, get tired, move on. And it seems like there's a lot of money on the table and who knows how long it will be there. And if I make the money now, I can do what I want... in the future. 

 

What did my husband say at Thanksgiving that made me mad? She just won't just make less. She doesn't have to make so many. I've turned it into a hamster wheel of trying to please others. I don't feel like I have time to clean or decorate my studio, or home, or to really make it pleasurable, I feel like I'm serving others all the time, and I feel like I'll be forgotten and lose momentum if I take a break. I don't believe in the law of attraction. I believe that my action is what gets results. 

 

Neighbor is selling her cow, or trying to before she butchers her. HOW DO YOU NAME A COW, take care of it everyday and then kill it for beef? That's what I'm doing. 

 

How do I make this fun again? 

 

Make what I want, sell less, relax, do the creative projects I want, enjoy and appreciate the income, take the time to clean and organize and decorate my space. Nope, feels wrong. Doesn't feel ok. I need to hustle. What happens if you aren't afraid, if you run your own race and don't look over your shoulder? 

 

CHRISTMAS SPIDERS. 

 

I'll make weird shit that doesn't sell. That's what will happen. Weird shit that doesn't sell. I need to appropriate the shit to sell. I'm not an artist, I'm an appropriator. I'm HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE, hiding it. I don't even have a tattoo. What does this have to do with anything? NOTHING. 

 

https://www.etymonline.com/search?q=appropriate

 

MY COW. YOU BUY COW. OR I KILL COW. POW. 

 

CHRISTMAS SPIDER. 

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legend_of_the_Christmas_Spider

 

😭

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Phil]

“Laziness”

[Mandy]

12 minutes ago, Phil said:

“Laziness”

Yeah, the funny thing is that the laziness wasn't in reference to not wanting to do the order but in feeling like dig into why work felt off, thus out of laziness we work harder with no direction. 😬

[Mandy]

I've been slowly going through a box of my husband's stuff that his mom dumped from her house, and there's one of those creepy clown toys, and I can't decide if I love it or hate it. 

 

 

[Mandy]

Lyrics

It's a world of laughter
A world of tears
It's a world of hopes
And a world of fears
There's so much that we share
That it's time we're aware
It's a small world after all

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small, small world

There is just one moon And one golden sun
And a smile means
Friendship to ev'ryone
Though the mountains divide
And the oceans are wide
It's a small world after all

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small, small world

It's a world of laughter
A world of tears
It's a world of hopes
And a world of fears
There's so much that we share
That it's time we're aware
It's a small world after all

It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small world after all
It's a small, small world

[Mandy]

What a spectacular shit show of a day. 

 

I'm gonna appreciate it instead. 

 

I appreciate... walking and Dr. Pomroy.. intuition whatever telling me to make a soup, how just that shifted things, how the soup went together to use up a lot of stuff I already had. I appreciate my customers and how successful this year has been, how making that specific amount grand seemed too ridiculous but went on the dreamboard anyway, and I made that and a little bit more. I appreciate, unconditionally, lol,  that I haven't been sick since September even though everyone else is right now. I appreciate my husband's patient help with figuring out stuff I hate. I appreciate how my dog helps himself to food when I am late to feed him. I appreciate how he always wants to be with me even to go out in the cold. I appreciate how easy this is. I appreciate the people at my kid's school, who are all just doing their best. I appreciate all the love and effort that goes into making such a dark cold month special and colorful and bright. I appreciate the innocence of my 7 year old wanting nothing to eat but a carrot with a stomach bug. I appreciate the diverse and wonderful medical system we have. I appreciate my mechanic fixing my tire for free. I appreciate my neighbors and our community. I appreciate the flexibility of my work. 

[Blessed2]

Something new has dawned on me past few days or so.

 

It's basically that I've been focusing on two to three "main themes" that I have believed to need healing or fixing for me to be happy. Like two to three huge problems I have been trying to figure out and fix.

 

But lately I've been seeing that maybe a "new route" can be taken. Basically, to let go trying to fix or heal those main themes, but to focus on something else. To take the "main" out of them. Maybe they can be just themes. Side quests even.

 

This 'insight' has been specifically prominent while coming across tarot card readings on the internet. Whereas before I'd see them, hear about what might be coming soon, I'd feel discouragement, doubt, even depression because I'd only listen in terms of those "main themes". What's going to happen with my carreer dreams? What's going to happen with my money situation? But now as I listen to those videos, I might loosen the grip of those themes, and be open to other things as well. That there are other things in life so to speak.

 

"Loosen the grip." That sounds pretty close to what I'm talking about. Letting go the wheel.

 

"Main problems" are like poison for tarot readings honestly.

 

Edited December 7, 2023 by Blessed2

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 I find that the cards are just a good reflection of your vibration, and how you're seeing things at the moment. Sometimes they can be a seemingly more explicit form of guidance though, encouraging you to look at what you don't want to see, because you asked. 

[Blessed2]

24 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@Blessed2 I find that the cards are just a good reflection of your vibration, and how you're seeing things at the moment. Sometimes they can be a seemingly more explicit form of guidance though, encouraging you to look at what you don't want to see, because you asked. 

 

Maybe we're on the same page. 🤔

 

Ever pulled cards and later shifted the focus from the cards (and their meaning and importance) to the room / space around you and the cards? It's kind of de-attachment from the meaning of the cards. Loosening of the grip. Does that make sense?

 

Similar to letting go of thoughts I guess.

 

 

This way it makes more sense why tarot readings are always so positive. Some people don't like it at all, saying it's dishonest or toxic positivity.

 

Edited December 7, 2023 by Blessed2

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 Yeah I think so. My tarot readings are not always positive, some are pretty good face slaps, but ultimately yes, always welcome. It's like when the boomerang hits you in the head, because you forgot you threw it and weren't watching for it, it makes itself aware when you aren't. Like getting woken up with a cold splash of water, or a loud jarring sound, that kinda thing. There's nothing bad just sometimes an adjustment, like getting into cold water. 

[Mandy]

I think Christmas is boring. Halloween is more creative, why can't we make Christmas more creative? It's always the same old. I really want a creepy Christmas tree, with a biblically correct angel and spiders, but I don't want to traumatize my kids. Perhaps this is the undoing of repression from childhood because mom didn't let me watch Nightmare Before Christmas, trick or treating, and discouraged all that stuff. I cut down a fir tree from a swampy area from behind my parent's house. I had to cut it twice because I cut a really tall one to take the top part. It was easy to saw through it until I made the second cut and then the flexibility made it hard to cut through. Even with holding it down with my foot, both the saw blade was flexing and the tree was flexing. 

 

Last night I dreamed that there was a flood, and it looked like all was lost but the the flood waters subsided quickly. We opened this envelope with my dead Grandmother's "comprehensive flood plan", which instead of a plan was a type of of will, only instead of giving things away, it was family members claiming stuff they wanted, and it expanded into a portfolio where the things were actually tapped in there. Most of it was jewelry with the beads like I make.  Later I complained to mom how bad the flood had been and how it flooded in the house, and she said it flooded almost the entire house and they almost died. Checked the weather and we're on a flood watch. 🤷‍♀️

 

My neck hurts today, I had not the greatest massage yesterday, she talked the whole time, which I should have probably said that I wanted to take a break from talking, or just stopped responding. She kept talking about soul contracts and I said nothing until she claimed that AI had consciousness of its own and was smarter than humans then I pointed out that the ownership of consciousness of intelligence was a thought. She reacted strongly, in a scary way. She claims to be open minded, but regardless of whether you claim such a thing, you can't be, as the sky reflects blue because it does not absorb blue wavelengths. Just like if you claim to be a good person. 

 

Good people, spiritual people, flexible people, intelligent people, it's like the whos in Whoville in their special snowflake land of "here". It would be tempting to be the Grinch, but all there is to Whoville and the Grinch is Theodor Seuss Geisel and he's dead. 

 

Neck problems, flexibility. lol 

 

 

 

 

[Mandy]

12 hours ago, Mandy said:

 

 

Last night I dreamed that there was a flood, and it looked like all was lost but the the flood waters subsided quickly. We opened this envelope with my dead Grandmother's "comprehensive flood plan", which instead of a plan was a type of of will, only instead of giving things away, it was family members claiming stuff they wanted, and it expanded into a portfolio where the things were actually tapped in there. Most of it was jewelry with the beads like I make.  Later I complained to mom how bad the flood had been and how it flooded in the house, and she said it flooded almost the entire house and they almost died. Checked the weather and we're on a flood watch. 🤷‍♀️

 

Oh.... emotions will run super high but not high enough to do any real damage. You don't have to inherit what you don't want, you get to choose what you inherit, and not only that but you make it yourself. 

 

The dog already knocked the Christmas tree over less than 5 minutes after I put water in the stand and I took the wreath off the front door and chucked it. Christmas is supposed to be nice, put together, but really it's bunch of delightful fuckery just like Halloween. Don't be fooled by appearances. Christmas contains opposite colors on the color wheel, Easter purple and yellow, Halloween orange and blue. Giving and receiving, death and resurrection, fear and fun. 

[Mandy]

The me wants to trust more than anything. It wants to trust itself to always feel good, always do the intelligent thing, the right thing, the thing that is in its best interests, to always love itself and it wants this from others as well. It believes that it wants conditionality. But there is no such thing, and no one could ever want conditionality. If we want love, we want the unconditional, to want conditionality is to want a relationship with what is dead, an image, an idea, the second self. The image/idea seems fixed and thus it seems that is is possible to trust it, but even it isn't because it can never become apart from what is unfixed, unfettered. 

 

[Mandy]

This is a riot. 

"They don't see our point, they only see their own point, and it's sort of a tunnel vision." "Do you see any compromise in the future at all?" "No, we just like to say that we don't want them at all!"

 

[Mandy]

Why should I write? It's just gonna get misinterpreted by someone. You're so vain, you probably think this song is about you. There isn't even one. I can't even focus on the same notion of anyone, honestly. It's a butterfly. A squirrel. But she did write the song about someone. CAN'T WIN. Someone. 

 

I don't know. I don't know if I want to do anything. I don't know if I want to sell homes. How come a few weeks in to the real estate course my business takes off?

 

Law of attraction. You're so funny. The gift of the Magi. But I don't need it anymore. 

 

Here. 

 

It's really a wonder. You can laugh, and you can wonder. You can even complain and despair, and fear. 

 

Major notes and minor notes. No one ever taught me anything about music, just enough for wonder. 

 

I said schadenfreude wrong and my husband laughed at me and it really pissed me off. I missed the joke, until now.

 

Goddamn you journaling.  What am I left with? Takes everything you have. 

 

So you come up with a purpose.  But there's just giving it away, just a conduit, a gift, receive, give, not really any ending there. No one wants to hear this. I'm wasting my time. My time. Goddamn. 

 

Thought is, it's boring to unwind a ball of yarn. 

 

Not if you turn it into something. Arguably it just kind of happens on its own. Can you unwind something, undo it without turning it into something new? Creating and undoing are one and the same? Just like giving and receiving. 

 

Pride sucks. 

 

It doesn't have to be entertaining. 

 

I like the pointless drama, I like the ends of the earth, the wild abandon, the flowers growing up through the floorboards. I like to hide. I don't like the sting of the sword. The flash blinds my eyes. I'll stay in my boarded up house, waiting for Prince Mathematician Musician, whatever the fuck he was. But he died, he fell off the roof. And now it's a wildlife reserve. 

 

How boring. Unwinding the yarn. Knitting the mitten. I'm too busy, you know? I can't bored. I'll dig deep, I'll dig the skeletons up. I don't need lessons to skates, just a pond, skates, and nothing to fucking do every winter of my life growing up. I'll learn to dance. I can't bored. I couldn't bored. I'm a flower growing up through the boreds. 

 

Narcissus. Goddamn. 

 

I don't want to people. You wouldn't have put me HERE if you wanted me to people. Here. Here. Here. Here. 

 

I don't know where this is going. I don't know when the yarn runs out. 

 

It doesn't. 

 

How boring. 

 

Here. A gift. The present. Pick the flower and throw it into the river.