In for Tea (unclaimed journal)

[Mandy]

Would be even more cool if it levitated, like hung from the ceiling. 

[Mandy]

5 minutes ago, DMT Elf said:

No heart, no wings. Just eyeballs everywhere. And nothing else.

You've obviously never worked in the art medium of googly eyes. 

[Mandy]

@DMT Elf Well, you need something to put them on. 

[Mandy]

“I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb - and I'm not blonde either.”

― Dolly Parton

 

 

 

 

[Mandy]

Made a youtube video that undoes the learning of simple math. Before you can believe in possession, you have to first conceptualize presence which apparently happens really young, as babies. The conceptualization of presence IS the concept of absence. Thus separation "anxiety", "MOMMY LEFT THE ROOM, THE WORLD IS ENDING". Stranger "anxiety", "WTF MOM, GREAT AUNT LUCILLE SMELLS WEIRD", the concept of unknown. 

 

So to teach a child counting or addition, you use objects that are present, then remove the objects being present and the child uses purely concepts. The number is the placeholder for the object. In order to conceptualize or measure an object, there has to be two, but what's missed is that the number never has anything to do with the object. And there's no child learning or an object, but we'll gloss over that for now. 

 

BEFORE we purposefully teach a child reading, writing, counting, addition and subtraction, the child already has long ago assumed me, mine, other, presence, absence. Without trying. Trying will not undo it. "You" never did. 

 

 

[Mandy]

 

[Mandy]

😂 I only wish I'd gotten the word fluorescent in there, but oh well. 

[Mandy]

Seems like... whenever I make something I really love that kinda "speaks", it doesn't sell. What's the deal with that? Whenever I make a youtube video I really love, that's direct it gets the most dislikes. People don't want nature, presence, they want flash, manufacture. I'm super grateful for my customers, but why? Isn't it supposed to work the other way? 

 

OHHH It's FOR ME! 

 

Wooah that's so weird! (It's only weird because you aren't used to it.)

 

Yeah, yeah.

 

I'm uncomfortable with this all encompassing unconditional love thing. I need space. I don't like the space, the space makes me uncomfortable. No, that's too close, I need space. No, I feel like we are too far apart.  Get out of my face. Oh no, I didn't mean it like that.  ARRGHHH! 

 

I don't know if it's funny or frustrating? So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his pants. "Why do you have a steering wheel attached to your pants?" asks the bartender. "ARRR, it drives me nuts!" answers the pirate. 

 

It's a control thing. You have none. 

 

I will TRY HARDER to stop controlling things. 🙂

 

 

 

 

[Mandy]

"Do you trust me?" 

 

"When I'm way up here, it's crystal clear." 

 

"Indescribable feeling" That both can never be shared with another and yet is ALL that we share and all sharing is. 

 

"Every moment red letter" 

 

He hands her the apple at the end, the garden of eden myth she hands him the apple. 

 

Sharing what cannot be shared.

 

"Just for you" played on an ad, and I sat on the volume controller and turned it off on headphones got really annoyed.

 

Pay attention

 

It cannot be given. It cannot be shared. It cannot be communicated. It can not be transferred. 

 

What are we trying to share in? Why do we want someone to get our pain? Get it? 

 

 

"Where do I go to share a mind? "

[Mandy]

 

 

Ugh! Jim talking about how the message is always attacked and rejected and how he LOVES it. 

 

WHY can't I be that way? I WANT TO BE WANTED! WAIT NO I WANT TO NOT WANT TO BE WANTED WANTING!  https://www.etymonline.com/search?q=want

 

Oh fuck. 😐

 

https://www.etymonline.com/word/anarchy

 

anarchy "without leader"

 

He isn't an anarchist. He broke into character for a minute. The author doesn't ist anything. It's anarchy. AUTHORING NOT AUTHOR. THE CLARITY OF THE MESSAGE LOOKS LIKE FUCKING GIBBERISH AND MADE UP WORDS. Rupert so sweet and refined, Esther so fun and multiple personalities, Jim an anarchist. 

🙂

What if it's ok to DO NOTHING.

 

Do nothing.

 

Do nothing. 

 

How am I, said the Wolf? How am I? 

 

 

 

[Mandy]

What if secretly, he actually gives a shit?

 

That'd be you. Alone on your magic carpet. 

 

Yeah, yeah. 

 

What if it's not an either/or thing? 

 

For the millionth time? I already have that t-shirt. 

 

Nope. Never happened. I don't learn anything, I don't learn my lessons. I do everything on the fly because magic carpet. I don't have nipples and don't wear t-shirts. 

 

The magic carpet is alive, it speaks!

 

All the authoring 

 

Author - ity There's none, just creating. On the fly. Oh shit, he askes her if she trusts him, but really it's the magic carpet she's trusting, and maybe rather than being completely instance that the person accustomed to the magic carpet isn't insane but has instead discovered something really fucking wonder-ful. That's all there is to it. No amount of salesmanship is going to do. 

 

TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT MOTHERFUCKERS.

 

They don't have a choice. 

 

OH! The appreciation for the fact that appreciation is unfettered, free, it's not mandatory. Our freedom is the guidance itself? How can rumble strips be free? 

 

You're free to drive over them, nothing bad happens, but you know it when you do. 

 

I'm starting to think it might be ok, I might be ok.

 

Who knows? 

 

[Mandy]

My friend sent me a piece of writing about this area, and the commentary of a guy who lived here for a time in low income apartments, low income jobs and mostly worked alongside local women.  He tells of the situations, the black eyes, the abuse, and his 400 pound superhero sentiments in response. Ending with this line...

 

"The ghosts of the Red Onion, the Golden North and the women of _____ all smell of the same sort of abandonment- one that I feel powerless to do anything about. But that Fall, heading home I stared out into the night, and it's haunted me."

 

It's the land of 400 pound superheroes, men who drink to escape the pain of blue collar jobs and the complete total lack of expression or belief in their dreams, women who work their fingers to the bone to pick up the slack, drug or alcohol abuse, poverty, racism and ignorance. This is my home. Only my singlewide trailer raised, Christian blue collar Daddy's girl, sister would know. Abandonment is a complete theme, why wouldn't you pay to upgrade the school, the playground that no one sees? Why wouldn't the kids all wear a face of total defeat after 6th grade? Bulletproof glass, when you can't even pay to join the buildings? Why renovate that old house, when the materials and cost of getting them here is far greater than what anyone will pay for it? But the abandonment has a beauty, a wild, confronting and yet subtle beauty that draws you in like a moth to the flame. The aloneness is palpable, it is LOUD, it surrounds, it chills you to the bone and slaps you awake. You dream of what could be done with it, but the cold and the wind has plans of its own. The wealth that's here is only found in the quiet, and in that it is rich. 

 

Oh shit. 

 

She sent me pages about domestic abuse likes it's sad and speaks about the place, and she left and found someone else that was atheist and educated with biting sharp wit and... domestic abuse. 

 

Is this all a dream? 

 

Yes. 

 

The othering! 

 

Someone's stealing the signs. I got asked for directions today because they are stealing the signs, "where is the road", "you're on it, it's here." Easiest directions I ever gave. 

 

The stories you tell, that you resonate with, that you attract, are meaningless yet somehow profound manifestations of what you've been thinking about yourself but won't admit to? 

 

The creepiness is delightful. The Nightmare Before Christmas, Sally is JUST like Sally. She never let me watch this when I was a kid. 

 

 

Oh youtube playlists. 

 

 

 

 

[Mandy]

 

@Aware Wolf used to ask this very question, or joke rather. "There's no suggestion that if there is no I that anything will change." 

 

 

"The paradox is in the talk is that it would look like this knows something that that doesn't know."

 

 

[Mandy]

Wild abandon. 

[Mandy]

OHHH! THE SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE! It is wildly abandoned. I just wrote the story of the Special Snowflake. The sole survivor. The special place. The cold. 

 

And that's why the picture of joy... clothed in a red coat, the one that ONLY I CAN SEE, is next to the window of the abandoned church. 

 

 Well played, well played. 

 

How do you tell them it's drawing you in, literally drawing you in, that there's no shame, there's no avoiding the Special Snowflake. (The capitalization is a little much.) You think? No. You don't? You don't. 

[Mandy]

It's SO f-ing cold tonight! Oh man. It's like everything CONSPIRED! 

[Mandy]

If you want to feel the love for someone, just watch them. Just listen. Just take a minute when you don't say anything, don't intervene. Watch the kid struggle to do the thing without jumping in and getting involved in the struggle. Don't try to influence anything and anyone. Then and only then if asked, will there be any clarity for an answer. 

[Mandy]

Last night I was talking with my husband about how my sister always used to complain about me being overly loud when I walk but I wasn't sure if I was that heavy footed or if she just liked to sleep in longer than I did, and my bedroom was the furthest away so I had to walk past her's. He said I was heavy footed but he also likes to sleep in too long. I dunno. 

 

Today the word "sabotage" clicked, and that the point of emotional guidance is basically to stop sabotaging yourself. Sometimes when I see red I want to burn bridges. It's kinda critical that you FEEL the guidance of revenge and sit with those impulses and not act on them. If you make a habit of acting on revenge you will burn all your relationships, destroy all your art, etc. Maybe it's not always uncalled for. Do we want to go there? 

 

The etymology of sabotage is essentially the meaning of heavy footed, from "sabot" meaning wooden clog. What we do to protect ourselves.

 

 

 

 

[Mandy]

 

(What do they think?)

What do I think? What if there's no we? 

 

 

"Love is never wasted for it's value does not rest upon reciprocity." -CS Lewis

[Mandy]

HOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLLL at the full moon.

 

 

"The earth below is above my feet when the clock is laughing at me
When copy cats and the lazy brats are the last thing I want to see
No!
My enemy is a friend of mine in a friendly place to be seen
Hey!
You know I'll run away for a couple years just to prove I've never been free

They will never find me here!"