The Emotional Work is Hard

[Orb]

Just wanted to share in hopes that people won't feel like they're the only ones dealing with this. 

 

But yea, the emotional work is hard, it's an unavoidable obstacle on the path. Think of all the wars and injustice in the history of humanity, all caused due to emotional suppression. It's intense stuff. 

 

I use the emotional scale for a few minutes but then stop because the pessimism doesn't stop and I don't want to feel the suffering anymore. 

 

I wish to stay in the unbound consciousness, I wish I could bypass, but im naturally honest and would suffer even more by doing that, I can't lie to people or to myself about this situation. 

 

You can realize you have never moved or done anything, you can recognize your true nature and still do drugs and dysfunctional behaviors. The work also isn't tangible like in other fields. You cannot measure out your growth in regard to emotional work, when emotions come up that are tough you gotta feel those emotions and suffer, you will have 0 guarantees that the emotional pain will go away. 

 

The most frustrating part is that it's like the more realization deepens, the more fucked up you become lol. The more dark, twisted, manipulative shit you become aware of. 

 

I recently was on a live Q&A for someone aligned with Self Realization and I felt threatened by his presence, like I was scared he would invalidate my own experience, and I shared it with him lol, he told me that the sense of specialness or seeing oneself/others as elevated will go away at the 8th ox herding picture (complete No-Self). But just recognizing that fear was scary, like there's still weird manipulative shit like that. There's still subtle dick measuring contests with spiritual peeps, ugh. 

 

My calling is to provide guidance for people on the path, I know what it's like to feel suicidal and scared, groundless, hopeless, etc. But I cannot do it now, there's still too much baggage to let go of before even considering helping others. 

 

I don't want to become a teacher who manipulates the students or abuses them. 

 

Im not asking for any solution, any thing offered is appreciated but yea I just wanted to share. 

 

On a positive note, suicidal ideation has vanished! I don't think my mind will ever go there again 🙂 , its like I touched down to rock bottom and now I can never get to that low again. 

 

But the drug use and the sex addiction is still problematic and not aligned at all with self realization. I don't wanna be like Alan watts, how can you talk about letting go of desire and then drink yourself to death lol (RIP). 

 

I did PMO so much that I injured myself so I have no choice but to stop lol. which is pretty awesome! It's been 2 days so far. 

[Orb]

I was abused as a child, that shame was held onto ever since, felt like it was my fault. I let her touch me, I never told anyone, clearly I was part of the problem. 

 

It's deeply held onto. The shame, the disgust, the fear of intimacy, the fear of letting people in. Because someone invaded my body many years ago, it's gross. I feel uncomfortable just from people complimenting me, it's like I don't want to let anyone in, not even a single footstep. 

[Orb]

The drugs allow me to avoid feeling that shame, the shame of shamefulness. 

[Phil]

♥️

I wanna hug ya & say it a thousand times - it is not your fault. You are pure innocence, pure Goodness, and loved more than is imaginable. You are infinitely worthy and deserving, and imo you should feel very proud of the work you’re doing. Keep kicking ass brother! 

[Orb]

@Phil thank you 💙. My job is ending in 2 weeks. Ive sent out a bunch of applications and I'm asking for a higher yearly salary than what I've been making for these past 3 years so it's a ballsy move. 

 

But I'm not scared as much as I thought I'd be. I also got a sweet reference letter from my boss and I have a good cover letter.

[Phil]

@Orb

Good for you. It’ll work out. Allow allow allow. 🙂

[Pluto]

Thanks for sharing, I can relate with much of this.

 

What helped me a lot over the years was spending time in nature, either in organic farms or with indigenous communities and living naturally and simply. Meditation has always been close to my heart & soul and healthy diet/lifestyle habits, as well as herbal, sound and light therapies. Psilocybin mushrooms have helped tremendously especially when it comes to trauma and emotional/childhood healing, especially when the Intention and Focus is there, the teacher will remind you ❤️

 

Namaste ~

Edited June 26, 2023 by Pluto

[Blessed2]

On 6/20/2023 at 4:18 PM, Orb said:

But yea, the emotional work is hard, it's an unavoidable obstacle on the path.

 

Just my two cents... Might be clarifying.

 

The 'emotional work' is not an obstacle on the path. It IS the path. It's ALL about feeling. "Put feeling first" like Phil often says.

 

How to "put feeling first", to see this clearly, in direct experience, take a few minutes to leave the hassle bassle and repeat this thought silently, or out loud: "This is indeed what I'm experiencing." Repeat that over and over. Mindfully. Taste and acknowledge the meaning of those words. Simply acknowledge that "this IS indeed what I'm experiencing". This is the opposite of emotional aversion and suppression. This is basically the heart of emotional work.

 

Edited June 27, 2023 by Blessed2

[spiritual dreams]

yes. yes it is.

[Phil]

Someone asked how I went about integrating the shadow and this came to mind. Thought it might be helpful to add here. 

 

Dreamboard, emotional scale, solo retreats, meditation, changes in diet & fitness, and ‘sitting with it’.

 

Took time to introspect what I wanted and wrote it on the board. Allowed the discordant emotions to be felt rather averted from with deflection & projection /  believing how I felt was because of other people, situations, or a past or future. Saw what was felt was how I was thinking and what I was focusing on (and what I wasn’t focusing on). 

 

A specific example… 

I experienced massive and consistent anger. That was the main shadow aspect in terms of getting in my own way with respect to what I wanted to create & how I wanted to feel.

 

I once smashed (most unfortunately) a guy’s face through the drywall and his front teeth stuck in the two by four stud. It was a bloody mess & a heck of a wake up call. It was clear I wanted change.

 

From then on out when the anger would arise, I chose to ‘sit with it’. To ‘own it’. This removed the potential for any words, behaviors or actions which were deflection or projection (believing it had anything to do with anyone else). Every time I would ‘sit with it’, it would eventually just dissipate or fizzle out, and then there would be clarity. Why I thought the way I did was clarified rather easily, because not involving anyone else kept the matter pretty simple. The more I sat with it and ‘owned it’, the less I judged myself for it, and the less it arose. 

 

Then I started expressing more about how I felt. The shift that occurred from this was from focusing on the outer (by deflecting & projecting) to focusing on the inner (what emotions I was actually already experiencing and why). 

 

I began to care much more about how I felt, and very little about if I was right about anything. In hindsight this was liberating myself (so to speak) from suffering. Washing myself of my ‘self’. Purification. 

 

The more I did those thing the easier the changes I wanted happened. Like with diet, fitness & meditation. It all culminated as one category; feeling great. Alignment. 

 

It’s an ongoing event in the sense that anger could arise today. Idk. But if it does I know how I’ll handle it… by allowing it, and not projecting. 

[Orb]

@spiritual dreams takes courage to go into your emotions and inspect them, to feel them. 

 

@Phil thats amazing, it's become clear that the emotions must be fully felt in order for the to dissipate. No amount of complaining or looking to the world for pleasure will solve it.