_Married to this forum_

[Reena]

 

If you're a truthseeker you would try to know every side of a story. 

 

I don't wanna bring the mayhem of Actualized.org into my life again. I was in a paranoid state, my mental anxiety and disorder being triggered and made 100x times worse by Leo Gura. In that chaotic paranoid state I did whatever I did with no logic or reason to it. It's like spray painting my name across every wall in town on a frenzied night. I've done such things before. Where I copied someone's journal title on Actualized and then realized that I'm doing everything because I'm intensely emotionally unstable and that's triggering all sorts of abnormal behaviors. Believe what you want, I have no land to defend. I felt abused by a cult called Actualized. It's not a community, it's an eliminating bootcamp and that environment is not at all suitable for mentally ill people like me. 

I'm not abused in this place. I'm much happier here. Here I don't feel abnormal anymore. 

 

Trying to come to terms with whatever happened on Actualized, I feel like a huge past was sorted out in a way, it was getting overwhelming there. Too much heat. You gotta get out of the kitchen. I have moved on long ago, I will never be there again and that's a firm resolve. All the chaos is left behind. It has to end the way it ended because abusive relationships always end suddenly. It had to be that way, I would have never learned the truth otherwise and a genuine truth seeker has to go through a lot before the truth is learned.. I'm glad everything happened the way it did or else I would have blamed myself forever. 

 

Actualized.org was a huge part of my life (that I left behind and found peace in the aftermath and learned certain truths along the way), 

 

To those who excessively speculate things, mayhem will always continue so watch out your own backs. 

 

The need to blame comes out of the Ego. The need to understand comes out of love. I want to operate through love. 

 

\\

 

I saw the mask fall off and that's the greatest devilry. What Leo engages in is the greatest devilry. To not love like God but to claim that one is God is a scam.. 

 

He has gone the deeper end and if you still don't realize that he has gone the deeper end and slowly disintegrating then I don't know how to help. 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 4 by Cupcake

 

 

[Reena]

Sometimes I feel terrible. Very frightened. Anxious.

I used to get this terrible anxiety at Actualized.org. 

The bullying culture of Actualized.org. It's so traumatizing. 

 

Some people were fanatically obsessed with me. 

 

It used to make me ill. They would constantly visit my profile page. Like why? I'm not some criminal. Hounding me 24/7. I used to think to myself - will these people visit me even when I'm dead? Will they even believe that I'm dead? Or will they invent some conspiracy theory that I'm still alive? Because they couldn't get enough of hating me. Will they leave my corpse alone? 

 

Like why can't they control their obsession? 

 

It makes an anxious person more anxious and ultimately paranoid. 

 

Will my dying satisfy them? 

Will they constantly engage in conspiracy to delete me? 

 

 

 

[Reena]

 

Brian Nox is a good source. 

 

 

Today I felt pressured to talk to someone on Snapchat in a sexual way. They weren't letting go. Constantly trying to make the conversation sexual even when I wasn't interested. It felt boring. I wasn't ready. It's pathetic when people openly flout your boundaries despite you telling them a strict no. Why are people especially men this way? Why can't a No be taken as a no? 

 

 

Why do men justify their horniness so openly yet when women do the same thing, they're labeled slutty? 

 

I'm working on my impulsivity. These days. 

 

 

Focus on the beautiful and the positive. When there are so many beautiful and positive things, why focus on the negative. 

 

 

And people who are negative to others, really what kind of people are they anyway - either immature, aggressive, narcissistic or just with nothing better to do. Probably jealous or just people who are never taught to be nice. Remember decent people (not necessarily good hearted, at least they possess social calibration and know how to respond, bad or good is a different ballgame) will never act like this. 

 

In reality however, people who act like assholes online can be helpful or genuine. Not everyone who lacks social calibration is bad hearted.. Don't be carried away and deluded by sweet words. 

 

 

 

First way to control impulsivity is to re-read your own post 3 times before posting. Do that. 

 

I have to remind myself that I have BPD and I'm autistic. 

 

I'm sick and tired of all the judgement. Why do I justify myself so much to people? 

Why don't I feel truly confident in myself? 

I think if I develop confidence then I will not need to constantly please others or justify myself. 

I need to be able to say a hard no. Like fuck it. "whatever you want, I don't care" mentality because I have zero obligation and those who wanna stay, they won't keep blaming, it's another thing if someone is genuinely upset with me and it's totally my fault. But otherwise. Why does it matter if someone thinks bad about me? 

 

 

When you have low self esteem a lot of things can get screwed up. 

 

There is some sort of comfort in rejection. There's empowerment in rejection 

You tend to engage in self blaming when people gaslight you. It's a potent form of cultish psychological abuse. But when you reject on your own, you're no longer seeking validation in a parasocial relationship. You deny it. You deny its usefulness. When you reject something, you no longer feel bad, low, humiliated, discarded or guilty. It's up to you to reject something that is never meant for you. Don't give so much power to others that you begin to lose your own power. 

 

 

I'll use this ribbon a lot more. 

 

 

When you feel triggered take a deep breath, and surrender to that experience. 

 

 

Cupcake, sometimes you have to let go. I know there's an ocean of emotions inside of you. 

 

 

Also take breaks in between and write your planner sometimes

 

 

 

Edited February 13, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

Feeling the right emotion in the right frame or time. 

Super important. 

 

[Reena]

 

Charlatan 

 

Con Artist 

 

Manipulator 

 

Exploiter 

 

Takes advantage of vulnerable people to make money. Leo Gura 

 

Deceiver

 

Grifter

 

Crafty 

 

 

Because of you Leo and your toxic teachings, people cannot follow real spirituality because they remain stuck in your fake spirituality that brainwashes them. 

 

 

How long will you keep conning people? One day you'll be exposed by someone. 

 

 

[Reena]

 

Don't be attached to negativity. 

Don't take things personally. You're no better than the ones that you complain about. 

 

I'll leave you with this - Everything is the self. 

 

Either something will attract me positively or negatively. 

 

If something attracts me negatively, just leave that page. How about that? 

 

Go to a page and navigate to a page where you are positively attracted and positively engaged. 

Let the negativity just die down. If someone's self expression is hurting you, then you got bigger problems than anyone else. 

 

In any situation, learn how to switch off reaction or response 

 

Always tell yourself - there's no need to react or respond. 

 

 

 

 

Let's create a culture of tolerance and understanding, instead of always trying to find a fault or flaw. 

 

 

Tell yourself - I'm peaceful with my husband. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 14, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

Format 1

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 15, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

 

Format 2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 15, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

Format 3

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 15, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

Format 4 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 15, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

Format 5

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 15, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

Format 6

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 15, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

 

Format 7 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 15, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

So after a shit ton of shyness and hesitation and fear I finally decided to upload my real photo. 

 

And not be afraid of doing this. 

 

 

 

[Reena]

I'm scared as shit because I uploaded my picture. 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

Anyway I finally did it. 

 

[Reena]

Leo is the perfect example of spiritual narcissism. 

 

He drove Proserpina to the mental hospital, caused her breakdown. 

 

He caused my own mental breakdown and drove me to insanity. 

 

 

He purposely targets mentally ill and vulnerable people. 

 

The masculine energy at Actualized.org was scaring the shit out of me. 

 

 

And Leo purposely targets me because he has vendetta against me. He thinks something about me. Whatever he thinks about me, I don't care about it. 

 

 

Leo please don't send your mafia to keep an eye on me. I know I'm never too far from your eyes. 

 

Leo Gura is a sophisticated cult leader. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 15, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

 

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LevensESSENTIE Gold which means “Essence of Life” in Dutch, is  an intensely powerful herbal extract of 22 organically grown herbs,

 

 

The 22 organic herbs of LevensESSENTIE Gold. 

 

The 22 Herbs Of LevensESSENTIE Gold 

Angelica Archangelica (Angelica)

Cosmetic uses: Mild anti-microbial herbs to soothe irritation.

 

 

[Reena]

 

 

One thing that I have realized is that I'm not exactly low IQ (or I might be) but I'm certainly not very wise. 

 

And my mental illness tends to complicate my lack of wisdom. 

 

Also, my autism might be a major contributing factor.

 

My new favorite phrase is "no way." 

 

 

 

Another new phrase is end of discussion 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Format 6 used 

 

 

 

Edited February 15, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

 

One thing that I have realized is that I'm not exactly low IQ (or I might be) but I'm certainly not very wise. 

 

And my mental illness tends to complicate my lack of wisdom. 

 

Also, my autism might be a major contributing factor.