_Lina's journal_

[Reena]

My name is Lina(although it's not my real name) 

People can call me either Lina or Cupcake. 

 

Edited February 9 by Cupcake

[Reena]

 

 

On 2/6/2023 at 12:01 AM, Cupcake said:

This journal will focus on recording bad dreams and nightmares for the purpose of my therapist. 

 

 

 

  On 1/16/2023 at 5:32 PM, Cupcake said:

My counselor told me to record all of my bad dreams, all kinds of dreams and nightmares to get a better assessment of my PTSD. 

 

 

  On 1/16/2023 at 5:46 PM, Cupcake said:

Few of my dreams in the last week were psychososexual. These are complex and explore the sexual abuse I suffered in childhood. 

 

 

  On 1/16/2023 at 5:59 PM, Cupcake said:

This person has been repeatedly appearing in my dreams sexually abusing me. I don't know what to call him. 

I call him Dale. He appeared in my dreams even 6 months ago. 

 

 

  On 1/16/2023 at 6:42 PM, Cupcake said:

 

So this is the rough outline of the dream. I remember some details here and there (since it's a recent dream not a very fresh dream), and I don't remember certain details.. 

 

So this is how it goes - 

Dale chases me through the field into a barn and I kept fighting him. Instead of running away I go deeper into the barn and into a small room. Almost the size of a cabin. 

Inside this there's some wooden stuff, large dried brown colored foliage, hay stacks and cane baskets. And I'm in that room. He enters the room and shuts the door behind him and then begins to choke me and ends up sexually assaulting me. 

I feel a sense of regret for trapping myself there and I sort of blame myself for it. 

So I finally return home very upset and angry at Dale but also feeling helpless. 

My dad comes home after cutting wood 

 

Rest will continue later 

 

 

 

On 2/6/2023 at 12:02 AM, Cupcake said:

 

 

 

On 1/17/2023 at 1:40 PM, Cupcake said:

I had a dream about 3 lovers. 

 

 

One who would write love letters to me. 

The other would sing songs 

 

And the third is very creepy and kinda darkish character. I don't know how to describe him. 

And a fourth lover who is chill singing in the car and taking me to a different place. 

 

 

 

 

On 2/6/2023 at 1:01 AM, Cupcake said:

 

 

 

On 1/17/2023 at 1:40 PM, Cupcake said:

I had a dream about 3 lovers. 

 

 

One who would write love letters to me. 

The other would sing songs 

 

And the third is very creepy and kinda darkish character. I don't know how to describe him. 

And a fourth lover who is chill singing in the car and taking me to a different place. 

 

 

 

 

On 2/6/2023 at 1:02 AM, Cupcake said:

I liked this reply to the ZenAlex comment. 

 

 

  On 2/3/2023 at 10:52 PM, ZenAlex said:

He's not diagnosing anyone with selfishness, but people with Cluster B personality disorder tend to be quite self centered. It's just a fact.

People with BPD often have Narcissistic traits as well. They tend to be manipulative.

 

 

 

Everyone who is in pain is self-centered.

It's not an aspect of a "diseased" psyche that other people get to pretend they are clean from.

What people don't understand is that this type of disorder is basically like having chronic pain.

There is a chronic emotional pain at the root of it.

It's always there but it is repressed, not conscious.

If I put screws in your thumbs and clamps on your nipples, you're going to be selfish too.

 

 

 

On 2/6/2023 at 1:14 AM, Cupcake said:

I also like flowboys comment. 

 

I don't have experience with BPD in my personal life.

My best friend is a therapist who works mainly with BPD type patients though.

I will take the liberty of sharing why I think he said that.

I think he's just referring to the tendency to overreact to abandonment triggers and do something drastic like suicide, or reckless like drive drunk and crash.

Overall this clinical type view of BPD and similar disorders makes me sad.

It's like they are taking as much distance as they can from it.

Viewing them as aliens almost.

To be inspected in a lab coat.

 

I kind of get why.

If you don't dehumanize them, you might find out you have more in common with them than you would like.

 

"selfishness, ..."

What the fuck dude. These people are in massive pain and you're going to diagnose them with selfishness?

 

From my understanding, hearing and reading about these things, there's a direct correlation between BPD and growing up with an emotionally immature, abusive parent. Usually the mother is an unsafe character that they can not form a healthy attachment with. They had to be afraid of the mother's mood swings. Nowhere to turn for safety and nurture.

And then still psychiatrists want to put them in a box and say "something's inherently wrong with you", and give them very superficial therapy like DBT. It's a travesty.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

 

On 2/6/2023 at 1:25 AM, Cupcake said:

Flowboy 's reply - 

 

Everyone who is in pain is self-centered.

It's not an aspect of a "diseased" psyche that other people get to pretend they are clean from.

What people don't understand is that this type of disorder is basically like having chronic pain.

There is a chronic emotional pain at the root of it.

It's always there but it is repressed, not conscious.

If I put screws in your thumbs and clamps on your nipples, you're going to be selfish too.

 

 

 

On 2/6/2023 at 1:41 AM, Cupcake said:

Flowboy 's reply - 

 

lol, this is not about me I don't have BPD.

Yes, someone else's words can hurt someone with BPD more easily, that does mean they have work to do.

Classifying them as inherently selfish is unhelpful.

The reason they are more sensitive is because their system is overloaded with emotional pain.

Not from your thoughts and words, but from their childhood.

With that amount of overload of chronic emotional pain, they are going to be sensitive and selfish, like anyone else would who is always in a large amount of pain, be it physical or emotional. Hence the thumb screws example.

 

 

On 2/6/2023 at 10:59 AM, Cupcake said:

 

 

 

 

On 2/6/2023 at 2:35 PM, Cupcake said:

An example of empathy - 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good example of the harsh, unfeeling, unempathetic attitude that I'm saying mental health professionals shouldn't have.

What you write seems to be from a place of evaluating who's wrong, who to judge, whose fault it is.

You can do that, it doesn't interest me very much but you can run that mental experiment if you want.

My thesis is that mental health professionals / authorities should not have that attitude.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

........ 

 

Good example of the harsh, unfeeling, unempathetic attitude that I'm saying mental health professionals shouldn't have.

What you write seems to be from a place of evaluating who's wrong, who to judge, whose fault it is.

You can do that, it doesn't interest me very much but you can run that mental experiment if you want.

My thesis is that mental health professionals / authorities should not have that attitude.

Look for who's wrong all you want, I'm just not speaking from that perspective because I don't see the point.

The situation is what it is, people are what they are because of what happened when they were developing.

From that perspective, indeed, personal responsibility falls away but healing opportunities open.

I agree that people have their personal responsibility to "do the work", seek out therapy and do it, yes.

Can I put responsibility on them to not be a certain way? To not react emotionally to this or that?

I'd love to, but it just makes no sense. These impulses come from a place that is prior to will.

 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

 

February 6, 2023.

 

A typical conversation on BPD  where you get to see both empathetic and judgemental perspectives on the same page. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

An example of an empathetic response. 

 

 

 

 

 

An  example of unempathetic attitude towards mental illness. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 9 by Cupcake

[Reena]

 

In hindsight, this video makes a lot of sense.. 

A very important video with lots of info. 

 

[Reena]

 

What I lack is wisdom not intelligence. 

I have basic intelligence and I'm moderately articulate. 

 

I can say I have average intelligence. 

 

But I badly lack wisdom. 

 

I don't even know how to define wisdom but I know it when I see it. 

 

 

 

 

I will have to check my posts 3 times before posting (because of my mental illness sometimes I end up posting vulnerable shit about myself and end up attracting predators in my direction. This time I'm gonna be careful. I know I act emotionally unhinged, especially during my deep vulnerable moments, and I feel like I constantly get taken advantage of.) 

 

Note to myself - beat yourself a little for acting naive all the time. And then regretting later. 

 

 

 

 

 

I need 3 things - 

 

 confidence 

 wisdom 

 boundaries 

 

 

 

 

"I can neither protest you nor resist you."

 

 

 

Edited February 9 by Cupcake

[Reena]

 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 9 by Cupcake

[Reena]

 

You act like you have never made any mistakes in your life. You act like a person on drugs. I'm running out of patience trying to get you on board. It's like you're failing to catch up. What you sow is what you reap. Change your attitude as fast as you can. It's rooted in biases. It will cost you or someone else. You act all almighty, like a God complex and I guess people like do better in such places because it's run by people with God complexes, so no wonder you fit right in. But this setting is not good for me, it's only endless debating with blowhards like you who engage in mindless chattering, bickering, blaming, and pointless judging. What do I gain from this perfectionist attitude? You operate from ego, granted we all do, but it is especially harmful when you come with that perspective to someone who is mentally ill.. If a person with mental illnesses has paranoid delusions, there's no point in telling them that they have delusions because they already know it, it's like telling a person with depression that they are a burden on society, perhaps they are aware that they are not liked by others, but this is not solution to their situation, neither are you having an authority over their solutions, you're simply judging them for what suits your frame of survival aka your own survival biases playing out, but they can find better people who guide them rather than judge them. Amen.  I've dealt with people like you before. It's nothing but a headache because there is zero harmony, only finger pointing to what's right and wrong, an attitude that should never exist in mental health, imagine if a narcissist went out to seek help, and the therapist told them how delusional narcissists are, well no thanks, that's not what the  narcissist is paying the therapist for, he is asking for therapy and not a judgement on narcissism, he has probably already been bombarded on how terrible narcissism is plenty of times before by people around him. He is trying to seek help, not being lectured on what is obvious with mental health issues. People like you are a headache to deal with because all they do is throw their morality based survival biases in my direction looking to seek a moral victory over my struggles, what have you done other than shaming, as though having mental illness is a crime, how about you take responsibility that people are problematic whether you like it or not and they are not going to be standing up to your expectations and that you should be tolerant of their space as long as they aren't personally harming you. You're just a distraction from my problem, whatever your personal agenda might be, none of my concern, but your harsh attitude only serves you, none other. You say selfishness is not  a bad thing, yet you will have a problem when I'll be selfish, because you don't see that you operate from cognitive dissonance and personal biases. You want to bring your ego into this. But you don't come from a place of "concern for me" rather you come from a place of concern for you and others so you aren't exactly helpful to me and you shouldn't care too much because instead of utilizing my thread for your Almighty bashing you could start a separate thread on how frustrated you are with people like me. And if you're trying hard to moralize me to improve me, then sorry you're failing miserable because shaming is a part of your agenda, not a part of the solution, it's only making me feel more miserable and bitter about society, so you aren't cultivating any empathy in me for a greater social cause with that mindset. And if you wanna lash out at me by saying that you don't give a fuck about my feelings or concerns, then well whatever you do is a huge waste of my time because it doesn't come from a good faith place anyway, it's just concern only for you, not for me, so why in the world will I be receptive to it anyway. Good faith place is when you have concern for a person's feelings and its not all a one way communication, but you care about that person as well, which I never find you doing. You can sit there and justify your selfishness all you want, but that's not what spirituality is and that's why Leo fails at this so miserably. 

 

 

 

So if someone said that you should stay 1000 feet away from spirituality, then they are probably right. You should.. 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 9 by Cupcake

[Reena]

 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

I'm intelligent and I process stuff well and I understand stuff but where I lack is wisdom and creative thinking and I suck at articulation 

 

 

[Reena]

I also need a ton of guidance all the time. 

Because I always fuck up. 

 

[Reena]

Lina Lina Lina, just surrender to people, come on. 

 

 

[Reena]

That place is rife with lack of integrity. 

 

[Reena]

Since I'm mentally ill I do not have much credibility in terms of judgement, right Patrick. Patrick being my therapist. 

I can't be too trustworthy when it comes to judging people as right or wrong. Good or bad. 

 

I think I should refrain from tough judging when I do not have much information on hand. And a difference in perspective, a radical shift in how I look at something might be greatly beneficial to me. 

Also some people can be bad yet useful. Some people can be good but totally off track with their guidance. 

 

You have to balance both.. 

 

 

 

Edited February 10 by Cupcake

[Reena]

People still visit my profile on Actualized. 

I don't understand them. I have been out of that place for nearly 16 days now since January 24 2023. What's the gain? What for? 

Wasn't I the most annoying trouble-causing low IQ person in your eyes who was good for nothing? 

Then why the need to visit my page? What's good about me that you want to rummage through? 

 

Because deep down you're aware that you are solely responsible for everything you blamed me for. 

 

You know that I wasn't really the problem. 

 

 

You know that you can never get me out of your head 

You even feel bad because you can't bash me anymore. 

You always want a piece of me. 

 

Your own biases for which you hated me. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

Leo should face the music for his misdeeds. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And in the end when Leo has faced enough criticism that he cannot fight against he simply resorts to locking the thread. Because why not? 

Gratuitous abuse of power. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leo is using a potent psychological technique called "normalization" 

 

Leo makes a rule that if you post anything that is distasteful to his agenda and needs and you must not question why. Thus the behavior of locking threads that involve the criticism of Leo will be normalized, so people who are afraid of being banned will comply to Leo's demands and anyone who doesn't comply to it will be automatically treated like an outcast or sinner. 

 

 

Isn't this cult behavior? 

 

 

 

 

 

He makes you think that you are doing something wrong if you are not pleasing him enough. 

 

 

 

Edited February 10 by Cupcake

[Reena]

 

As I begin to uncover the whole truth, I can see how far the rabbit hole goes. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 10 by Cupcake

[Reena]

More of the rabbit hole part 1

 

 

[Reena]

More of the rabbit hole part 2