_Lina's journal_

[Reena]

 

 

I'm marrying David Witherbee. That's the name that appeared in my dreams and that was the guy I was marrying. 

He wore a checkered shirt 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Format 5 used. 

 

Edited February 15, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Format 4 used 

 

 

Edited February 15, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

I've been having nightmares recently and these nightmares are associated with cults.

 I feel like this is all coming from my previous association with cults.

Cults are very dynamic in that they're quite charismatic, addictive, pleasant at first and very intoxicating. They give a sense of comfort and security.

 

 

[Reena]

Or was it like a stage blue cult with religion being a main component ?

 

 

I even saw myself as Suzy, a PA to a hugely egotistical old man smoking large cigars. And him playing psychological games with me to get me to submit to him.

 

Why were some of these dreams soothing even if they were a bit horrible psychologically ?

 

Or what kind of a cult was it ?

 

It felt like I saw cultish elements everywhere around me in everything.

 

I had to be vulnerable even to Satan.

 

 

And sometimes I wonder if I'm in a Jim Jones style cult in those dreams. I was recently interested once again in the Jim Jones cult story. It has always intrigued me. What would I have done if I was there ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited February 17, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

I want to collect some information on Tim Carter during the Jim Jones incident and analyse what happened.

 

 

Edited February 17, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

Then I had a dream about Adgin. And Adgin wanted to sleep with me. He forced me.. He wanted to use a flavored contoured condom. And then he kept asking me whether it was better with or without the condom. And I said it was better without the condom. But honestly it was better with the condom. And he kept convincing me that it feels better raw and rough. But it wasn't rough enough. The contouring really went all over the place really stimulating it. And then he kept asking me that he wanted to offer me gifts, really expensive gifts and he was making me horny and then asking me, and i told yes. And he ket kissing my cheeks, really affectionate kisses. I told him I wanted roses. 

 

End of dream. 

 

 

[Reena]

Adgin in the dream acted like a furious obsessive lover. 

I frequently saw Adgin in my dreams.. He is handsome, tall and very wealthy. He can be an instant attraction to girls  but I wasn't drawn to him. 

He used his wealth to manipulate me. 

And he said that he would ruin me. 

 

 

 

I had no other option but to obey him. He could use his wealth to destroy my family. 

 

He made me break off with my ex boyfriend. 

 

And now I'm with Adgin.. 

He has me under his control. 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

Adgin is trying to hook up with me. He wants me badly and obsessively. 

He is almost stalkerish. 

I don't want to live. But Adgin wants me to live for him. 

 

 

[Reena]

And I don't know what to do. I feel like all I want to do is just sleep. 

Adgin appears in my dreams. 

He followed my every move. Made me break up with friends.

And then one day Adgin forced me to have sex with him. 

And I gave in. 

 

 

 

[Reena]

I like this. 

 

 

[Reena]

 

Yea I have no idea but these nightmares are freaking me out. 

[Reena]

 

Trenton

 

Manny

 

 

Quinn

 

Adgin

 

David Witherbee / Quinn

 

Dale

 

 

 

 

Edited March 6, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

 

Trenton reminds me of my college friend who did weed. 

 

 

Manny reminds me of a guy who I truly wish to be with

 

Quinn is this guy who works in drama and theater and honestly kinda awkward , literary and a bit passive aggressive. Not really loving. 

 

Adgin is vile. 

 

 

David Witherbee is someone who respects me and appreciates me and is just a decent normal person. 

 

 

Dale is very aggressive. 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 6, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

In my dreams, I imagined I'm marrying David Witherbee. 

 

 

[Reena]

Be cool. Be cool. Be  cool. 

 

 

[Reena]

You have lots of friends and that's why I am not important. 

 

 

[Reena]

Move on. 

 

You don't have to guilt yourself. 

 

[Reena]

So yea I imagined marrying David Witherbee.. 

 

 

David is so cool. 

 

He is awesome. 

 

 

I think I needed super empathy for me to give up the Stockholm Syndrome symptoms I was constantly showing. That neediness, that dependency. 

 

Although that dependency can be channeled into something stage blue positive. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

I realize now why I needed someone to abuse me in the context of a personal relationship, it was my Stockholm Syndrome. It was a major coping mechanism against abuse. 

I wanted someone to beat me up so I would feel better. I would feel controlled. And this control feeling gave me a sense of comfort. 

I wanted to be raped. 

So I would feel hurt. 

 

It gave me a sense of comfort because that's how I was treated always. I was used to being abused. 

It made me feel familiar. 

I went through sexual abuse. 

 

I was used to being controlled. So it gave me a sense of familiarity and security. 

 

 

It gave me a feeling of being wanted. 

 

Like someone bashing me, controlling me, disciplining me and loving me at the same time. 

 

 

I think I likened being controlled = being wanted. 

 

 

And the feeling of being wanted meant I'm being loved. 

 

 

But it's a moderate sense of love. It's not all bad. It does give something 💀✌✌... It's like drinking something that contains 1% wine and rest junk juice versus drinking pure wine. 

 

In a way, it's settling for something inferior because the mind thinks that it doesn't deserve better things. 

 

Is this really toxic? 

 

 

I don't know.. 

 

Why do I feel so much comfort in animality? 

 

In the dirty side of things. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 7, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

Or maybe I feel special if an abuser loves me. 

 

Or maybe it's a weird attraction to power since power means security. 

 

And this power is usually reflected (I'm talking about raw power and not the power of vulnerability, I would rather call the power of vulnerability as strength) in machoism, in dare devilry, in being dominating, narcissistic and abusive. 

 

 

 

Another angle I want to look at this is magnetism and the ability of the brain to be attracted to something that is totally opposite of the self, mainly sexual attraction. This magnetism comes out of polarity. It means that I'm attracted to someone strong because I'm weak. I have this Cinderella personality. So I get comfort by attaching to the Devil I guess. 

 

A devil should love me and then it gets more romanticized???