_Lina's journal_

[Reena]

Part of it is also constantly feeling like a victim. When you feel this way, the sense of comfort comes from wanting to be victimized, wanting to be preserved in that state out of inertia. 

 

In this state I have to take no responsibility or leadership so I suck the juice from someone else's leadership. 

 

I think it's  a sign of weakness. When you can't do it, you rely on others. 

 

Like a vampire. 

 

 

What happens next? 

 

 

I think this vampirism continues. 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

Whatever makes you feel better. 

 

Maybe I want to feel a certain amount of possessiveness. 

 

And  that possessiveness is achieved from a controlling disrespectful person. 

 

This is nothing but classic codependency. 

 

A situation where you feel weak and you want some obsessed possessive dominator to control you. 

 

They're dependent on you because they need someone to control and own and you need someone to feel belonged and owned. So opposite forces attract obviously. 

 

Feeling owned feels security and survival and taken care of. 

 

I think it also arises from infantilism. 

 

So when you feel infantilized (because of child abuse), you also want someone to continue that infantilization in order to make you feel secure. 

 

 

Generally when you get older, you slowly outgrow this infantilization. 

 

Maybe somewhere you're still looking for that kind, dominating, disciplining, loving but rough and tough, protective parent figure in that abusive person and their abuse is a part of this codependent contract. 

 

A victim predator relationship that gives validation to both. 

 

 

[Reena]

David Witherbee is healing me. 

 

 

[Reena]

Love

Healing 

Super Empath 

God

Wisdom

Religion

Regeneration. 

Faith

 

 

Edited March 7, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

Yesterday in my dream I was married to a much older man, 30 years older to me. He was in his 50s. 

 

I was constantly getting drunk in the dream.. 

He used to hold me and drop me off at my place. 

He was like a snake, he knew how to charm me. He was a total psychopath.. 

I am not surprised because my second ex boyfriend was a psychopath too. 

He resembled him, at least his eyes were like his.. 

 

He would tell me to be careful of all other psychopaths out there. Sure lol. 

 

 

Maybe his name is Gayle. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 10, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

 

On 3/6/2023 at 11:57 AM, Cupcake said:

 

Trenton

 

Manny

 

 

Quinn

 

Adgin

 

David Witherbee / Quinn

 

Dale

 

 

 

Trenton

 

 

Manny

 

 

Quinn

 

 

Adgin

 

 

 

David Witherbee

 

 

 

Dale

 

 

 

Gayle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 10, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

 

Characters that are sweet

 

Trenton

Manny

David Witherbee 

 

 

 

Characters that made me suffer

Dale 

Adgin 

Bert

Dawson 

 

 

Characters that are older than me

Gayle 

 

 

Characters that are young 

Manny 

Trenton

Quinn

Adgin

David Witherbee

Dale

Bert

Dawson

 

 

 

 

Characters that I'm attracted to

Manny 

 

 

 

 

Characters that i experience intensity with

Manny 

 

 

 

Characters that i married

David Witherbee

Dale

Gayle 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Other characters that appeared rarely 

Dawson the pirate character 

Bert the forest character

Zane is the stalker

 

 

 

 

Edited March 10, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

Full list

 

 

Trenton

Quinn

Adgin

Manny

David Witherbee

Dale

Bert

Dawson

Gayle

Zane

Pearce (basically P) 

This picture reminds me of P. 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 10, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

Name suggestions

Wrett

Xyme

Zaiden

Moonwolf

Blackrose

V

P

 

 

[Reena]

Last night I had a dream where I'm being groomed by a groomer or a sleazy uncle kind of a character. 

 

In the end of the dream I get nasty, uptight, angry that he isn't in love with me. 

 

I'm 14 in the dream. 

 

For a strange reason the creepy sleazy guy was a source of comfort and protection. 

 

 

I felt like I should not judge him and understand his vices.. 

 

 

 

He wasn't trying to harm me. 

 

 

He protected me sometimes. 

 

 

 

[Reena]

I think I always suffered a power dynamic situation in my family relationships and that could be the hidden reason why a power dynamic oriented relationship tends to satisfy me more or at least gives me a modicum of comfort and security. 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

I'll compare sexual abuse or any form of emotional and mental abuse to disability. 

 

 

Disability can change your brain. It can make you feel lifeless, depressed, helpless, infantile, dependent. You might not feel mentally ready or empowered to do the things that you're unable to do. This doesn't mean that you're supporting or enabling disability. 

This only means that the by product of disability is feeling helpless, weak, dependent and these are just supplementary aspects of disability like the comorbid aspects of disability just like the "related complications"  of any disease that are apart from the main symptoms. 

 

For example. 

Cardiovascular complications in patients with HIV infection include myocardial, endocardial, pericardial, and vascular diseases.

 

These are not the direct symptoms of HIV. But these are the future complications that arise from the long term suffering of the disease or even it's treatment. 

Similarly long term depression can have immediate symptoms like listlessness, suicidal behavior but complications can include weight gain, trouble in relationships and insomnia which are not the immediate symptoms but a by product or side effect long term. 

 

And in the same way, long term mental/sexual/psychological/emotional abuse is also like a disease in which the complications can include mental dependency, co-dependency, coping mechanisms, promiscuity, attraction to predators, Stockholm Syndrome, helplessness, addiction, continuation of abusive relationships, cycle formation. 

 

Being promiscuous, development of attraction to predators, unable to differentiate between abuse and love, co-dependency on abuser doesn't mean that the person is supporting or enabling abuse in any way. It only means that they are not fully healed and continue to suffer the complications. 

 

 

What I find most annoying is the question - why did you go back to the abuser? 

 

 

 

This question is the most frequently asked question to victims of abuse.. Because people don't understand or grasp the intricacies of how abuse operates and impacts your brain. So they look at it very logically and conclude that you must like abuse if you're going back to the abuser. 

 

Because you're going back to the abuser not because you appreciate or like the abuse, but because you are addicted or dependent on the abuser for something and this dependency is also a part of the abuse process. 

 

That's why such question doesn't serve a good purpose and it only aids the victim shaming process. 

 

 

 

Edited March 10, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

Ok so I'll rewind back to this. 

 

 

Again back to my sexual abuse rapey dreams and nightmares and understanding their origin. 

 

 

I feel like all of my rape nightmares are

associated with the mental abuse I suffered as a child. 

 

These rape nightmares are a physical replica of the mental trauma process. 

 

That is my mind is replaying the trauma in a physical format as a coping mechanism. 

 

 

 

That is aspects of these dreams and patterns of nightmares and fantasies are closely linked (and replicating or mirroring) the aspects of mental abuse. 

 

 

So a curious aspect of these dreams is where I feel comforted or protected by the abuser or I feel the abuser/pedophile/rapist/assaulter is engaging in kind acts. Like one where the abuser is making sure that I'm not hurt when they are assaulting me. And you'll probably ask how is this even possible? You'll ask -isn't the objective of assaulting me hurting me? The short answer is yes and the long answer is no.  The short answer is that the abuser wants to Inflict pain or at least it appears so. The long answer is no because the abuser doesn't want the abused victim to be maimed or disabled or hurt or killed. Because if they wanted that, then that's so simple, they could have just killed the victim. But they didn't. In fact in many circumstances they save the victim from directly dying. 

 

For example, a pedophile/groomer/sadomasochistic abuser might save a girl from dying by offering her food but also sexually violate her. But still let her live. This can arise from two sentiments -

1. Either the abuser wants the victim to survive so they can continue using and abusing them for pleasure (thus creating a dependency cycle between both predator and prey). Now the prey is dependent because the predator won't let them die, so in a way it's proxy survival. The predator is dependent on the prey because they can't let go of the pleasure /power they derive from controlling the prey. 

2. The second reason can be more humane. The abuser is just having pity or mercy (maybe born of guilt from knowing the abuse that they're putting the victim/prey through) on the  victim and simply saving them out of mercy. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 10, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

Also these are sexually abusive dreams

 

 

 

So in these sexually abusive and violent dreams, the abuser is also trying to protect me. I think this aspect is a mirror aspect. 

 

What is it mirroring? 

 

When I lived with my abuser, I saw them from time to time, do acts of favor or kindness. Like they would let me have something I wanted. They would protect me  from immediate danger. They would feed me if I were hungry. They would give me medication if I was in pain. My brain noted these acts. 

 

So in my brain these acts were placed alongside the acts of abuse, torture and violence. 

 

These specific random acts of kindness by the abuser is being reflected (in the dream), in the form of the rapist/pedophile trying to protect or comfort or guide me. 

 

Like in certain dreams I see the groomer placing his hand under my head so that I'm not hurt or injured while he is sexually abusing me. 

 

These gestures in the dreams are mirroring or reflective of the acts of kindness shown by the abuser to me in a real life situation. 

 

 

Edited March 10, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

 

So this is what I meant by the replication of my mental abuse. The physical manifestation of my mental abuse as a child is happening now in the form of rape dreams. 

 

What do i mean? 

The replication.... The manifestation... The materialization. 

 

 

The materialization of my mental abuse as a child is happening through physical abuse in the form of rape+torture in my dreams. These dreams show a physical materialised form of my mental abuse, that's why the constant rape trauma dreams. 

 

 

[Reena]

40 minutes ago, Cupcake said:

But they didn't. In fact in many circumstances they save the victim from directly dying. 

 

I discussed earlier why the abuser doesn't kill the victim. 

 

That's because their agenda is not to kill but to just control. That's why the violence is not very extreme. It's measured violence, sufficient enough to instill fear and control. 

 

Also the abuser is looking for some kind of validation from the abused. They don't want the abused to absolutely hate them.. 

You'll see that the groomer or pedo doesn't want to enrage the child or threaten it too much but rather please the child with candies. 

 

 

Edited March 10, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

One question I wanted to ask myself-

 

What will my healing look like? 

 

 

This is a difficult question. 

 

This is a sad question. 

 

 

For the 1% people who talk about their success of healing from abuse and trauma, there are millions globally that don't heal from abuse and trauma. 

 

So it's a reality, a bitter reality, a tough pill. 

 

 

The short answer is I really don't know what my healing will look like. 

 

 

 

Edited March 10, 2023 by Cupcake

[Reena]

 

Trenton

Quinn

Adgin

Manny

David Witherbee

Dale

Bert

Dawson

Gayle

Zane

Pearce (basically P)

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

IFS chatbot lol. 

 

 

https://ifs-therapist.vercel.app/

 

 

 

[Reena]

You should treat people for who they are and not for how you expect them to be.