ivankiss

Took a little nap, feeling as calm and at peace as I can be right now. There is a job opportunity that kinda grabbed my attention. It's in the field of transportation and logistics. I'd be basically driving a combi van and delivering goods across EU. It's really well paid too, more than what I've been used to anyways, so that's another plus. I like the idea, but I'm not 100% sure about it just yet. Maybe I'm not a good fit. I've been working in the field of tourism/catering for the past few years. That's what I'm most experienced in and also quite good at. But I really want to switch lanes. I'm tired of working with big crowds of people, it's too stressful and draining. However, if I don't get another option, I'll have to bite the bullet on this one. Can't stay unemployed for too long. Did not check into a hostel/motel, I'm gonna try sleeping in my car tonight. Found a nice spot.

First meal in my car was great. I'm in a city well known to me at the moment. Been living here years ago. Cannot lie... I cannot stand the place. Would not live here unless I truly had no other options. I'm thinking of heading towards the capital, and possibly even further north. The easiest way out would be to go back to where I was before I got sick... I know the place well, and I could get at least a room, in no time. But something's telling me that's not the right decision. I feel like I need a brand new beginning. Even if that means I'd be struggling more. Yet again, life shows me a simple truth: It's easy to be all 'love and light', while chilling on your couch, doing nothing. It's easy to be all blissed out when life's going your way. What's more challenging is to stay true when shit gets flipped upside down. It's a completely different path.

I've been moving around since I was a kid. Even more since I entered my 20s. So that's nothing new. What sucks is that I'm not in the best condition exactly. My mind is foggy, vision is blurry, I have minor but annoying headaches and I get dizzy. Not to mention the on and off anxiety and depression. Could be that I'm still feeling some symptoms of covid, or it could be all trauma related. Not sure. I just hope I can breathe my way through it all. It also sucks that I don't have a bit more money, but I think I have enough to get me through this phase. Must not lose time though. Today I rest, but tomorrow I have to start making some crucial decisions.

Well, looks like I'm officially homeless as of now. I've been staying at my mother's place for the past two or three months. Got sick with covid and it was pretty bad. I was unable to take care of myself for quite a while. I'm grateful she took me in, but as soon as I started feeling better, the atmosphere changed. There is simply too much unresolved shit between us and it was clear to me that I can stay no longer. We got into a short but super intense fight this morning. She said some pretty nasty stuff.... 'We are done forever! You will come not even to my grave!' She's very sick. I cannot not see or understand where she's coming from. But I also cannot share a roof with her. I had to draw the line and leave. I have no plans for now. Got a car, a few hundred bucks on my bank account, an old lap top and my guitars. But more importantly, I got myself. My dignity, my pride, my freedom of choice. Freedom to breathe freely. No real friends, no girlfriend, no one I could reach out to. And even if there was someone, I doubt I would. I am where I am for a very good reason. It sucks, but it also kinda feels right. The two options I can think of right now are a) I drive to a new city I decide on, sell the car, get an apartment and a job, and start over. b) I live on the road, in my car and/or camp in nature for a while, shower and clean myself in cheap hostels or wherever I get the chance. Basically go hippy for some time. I had everything and lost everything before, but I feel this time it's different. Not sure what to expect. I only pray to God that I stay healthy. Everything else I can deal with. Regarding my mother, I feel so much pain, for both of us. I was crying buckets of tears while driving away. This may as well be the last time I ever saw her. I pray for her wellbeing too. All is well.

@Annie Oh I see. You hate men so now I'm a target for you to project all that nastiness upon. I've delt with women like that too, and still, I don't go out there, or on here, and attack random strangers, thinking that I know exactly who they are and what they're going through. The women in my life were all loved and respected, and I'm sure if you lined them all up, they'd have little to nothing bad to say about their relationships with me. Maybe with one exception lol. I went through a phase of just hooking up, yes, but I was not throwing women away like trash. I spoke to them honestly and clearly about my intentions and desires. I've also been in long term relationships. So again, nothing you say is true about me, but it still hurts, because of all the abuse I've been on the receiving end of and because of me being in this fucked up healing phase - or whatever it is. Thanks though, it felt good to clarify these things to myself. I don't really care about what you think. Just want to be at peace in my mind.

@Annie It's the same girl. Lilia. Met her again and she introduced me to her boyfriend. Your poem sucks. Don't appreciate your thoughts really, but what can you do... Your assumptions are totally off and it's clear that you're projecting nonsense onto me, for whatever reason. Probably because you too are in pain. I've been active on actualized.org for years, came here to test the waters. Might not stay for too long. Until then, try to avoid me, ok? Thanks.

It was a great day. I recieved what I've been asking for, but still, I do not feel that good. I wish I was more grateful for today's gifts. I made new friends. A guy and a girl. We connected on a very deep level. He is some kind of a therapist and she is a very free-spirited artist. 'My kind of people' - it could be said. Yet I kept pulling away, every time it became a bit too much for me. I mostly felt small and weak, and I wanted to hide or run away. She left at some point for some time. The guy suggested that we should do a quick session. So I laid down and he started scanning my body. I did not know what to expect. I've never done anything like this before. He kept placing his hands on different parts of my body and it was great to feel the touch of another. I was craving it pretty badly. He spent a lot of time on my chest and throat. I just kept breathing. Thoughts were racing and I realized I was avoiding feeling. I was afraid to go there... but then it just started happening. At first it was just a few tears running down my cheeks, but soon enough it turned into full on crying with my whole body. Shaking like crazy. I sat up and hugged him like I would hug a parent or an older brother. I kept crying and crying on his shoulder. The stuff just kept pouring out of me. He was holding space beautifully. Strong and immovable like a rock, but also gentle and comforting at the same time. I could not look into his eyes for too long. I felt a lot of shame. Not because I was crying in the middle of the beach, but because of what I have become. Because of how broken and lost I was. I kept thanking him, though I felt like that wasn't enough. I wanted to return the favour right away, but I had not much to give. I ended up buying him a meal and we sat some more by the sea. My heart was more at ease. He invited me back to his place and soon the girl joined us again. She was just super bubbly and so free... it kept reminding me of my ex real hard. I could not help it. The cute little noises and sighs she was making, the way she was being silly, the sound of her voice, the way she was dancing and jumping around... It was all way too similar. I shared that with the guy at some point and he said it's a gift for me from the Universe. Maybe that's so, but I cannot deny it kept triggering the crap out of me. Then again, it was also nice to have some feminine energy around. He and I talked for some time about nonduality/reality/consciousness. It was nice to finally have someone to talk to about all that stuff, face to face. But I felt like I was coming from this foggy, confused place and something wasn't quite clicking. I knew so much, yet I knew nothing at all. We then took a little trip to a beautiful spot in nature, above the city. The view was really quite something. There we did some grounding exercises to connect more with our bodies. I played some guitar, sang a bit, contemplated and meditated. But soon I kinda had enough of it all and started disconnecting again. I also noticed they were having some romantic issues and were not quite on the same page... so the energy dipped a bit towards the end of our trip. He opened up a bit to me about his worries regarding their relationship. I saw so much of my former self, my former life and story, in both of them. But I said not much. Did not want to project stuff onto them. When I got back home, I felt like I was feeling before. Like I'm not really where I want to be. Like I'm not doing what I really want to do. Like I'm out of place. I felt tired so I fell asleep quickly. Woke up from a dream in which I was having a threesome with two super hot girls lol. It was nice not to have a nightmare for a change. I'm still grieving, there's no way around it. It's written on my forehead, too. That's one of the first things the guy said he noticed around me. I'm still afraid, for no reason whatsoever. I crave closeness and connection, but I also want to hide from the world. I'm caught between this or that, left or right, here or there. Again. I wish I was more grateful. I wish I could trust myself again, have faith and clarity again. I wish I could feel good in my body, not trying to check out or hover above. I wish I was genuinely at peace, focused and centred. I wish I wasn't the way I am. There, I said it.

Would definitely love to, but she said she's leaving some place else within a few days. Though you never know... I also find it so awesome that we did not exchange any contact info. It only adds to the magic of it all haha! It's like we silently agreed that was unnecessary. I do have a name though... Lilia. Looking forward to similar experiences, very much!

@Annie Fear, trauma, limiting beliefs... - Not to go too deep into it. This is not the right thread for that 🙂

@Faith @Annie Thanks. It was really quite something. Made me realize; there are amazing and even highly conscious souls closer to me than I think... It's just that I'm so good at hiding.

My God... The most amazing thing happened tonight. I'm still in utter disbelief. I was visited by an angel. I went out to the park to play some basketball, by myself. Was having some pretty intense conversations with myself in my mind, but after a while I came to some sort of resolution and started enjoying throwing the ball. Not long after that, a beautiful young girl approached me and asked if she can join. She must've been 20 years old or so. Naturally, I said yes. We start chatting about everything and it was crazy how much we had in common. She also loved to travel, dance and play music - like I do. It was a very pleasant and easy little chat. But my mind was not blown just yet. After some time I was about to leave, so we hugged and said goodbye, but then she asked if I wanted to walk a bit by the sea with her.... So we started walking. It was a beautiful night. A bit windy, but not too cold. Very calm and pleasant atmosphere. And here's where things got so very interesting, in the most unexpected way... We were talking so easily and freely, everything was very smooth and natural. We kept going more and more meta, and ended up having a full blown conversation about nonduality, creation, god, love, the mind, letting go, relationships.... all that stuff. I could not believe how much this girl knew and was aware of. It was real and authentic too, I could tell. She was not bullshitting. We sat down on some stairs a few inches away from the sea and talked more. I started releasing some stuff I've been holding onto, and she was holding space so beautifully and effortlessly. Balancing me out. She said she's practising reiki and it was clear to me that she was doing a sort of cleansing with me. It was absolutely magical, yet so simple and down to earth. On our way back, we talked and talked more, focusing a bit more on chakras, feminine and masculine energies, etc. She said she noticed that I'm mainly present from my chest and upwards, but definitely need to work on grounding myself. And that is precisely how I felt. She would often start dancing or jumping around... she was so free... Then she took her sneakers off and started walking barefoot. And so did I. Started feeling more grounded right away. It was amazing. She lived at her boyfriend's mother's house, which was in the same direction where I live. She walked me home, we hugged and said thanks once again in front of my building... and then she disappeared into the night. I'm still kinda shaking, it was so magical. Stuff like this rarely happens to me, if ever haha. Grateful beyond words. May she be blessed and may our paths cross again someday.

@WhiteOwl 'but it's not nothing!' 😄

Join in with me We'll fly on someone else's wings To where everybody is one Above the sky we read It's written black on white The truth, follow the lead Echoes of the same old psalm Sing with me In unity Join in with me I have been trying to break out for too long From the cage I found my path when I thought that I was wrong

Burning bridges as I cower beneath Trying to salvage the debris My devotion tied around your waist Lest you fall No one seems to sense the strain No one seems to know

This is absolutely hilarious 😂

All the best guys.

I'd like to point out the trap of 'getting the message but not hanging up the phone'. Meaning, that even after you've had the realizations and recognized your true nature, you keep obsessing over ideas that are only keeping you stuck. I tricked myself millions of times, thinking that there is something more than Love to this. That there is something other, something even higher or deeper or more profound than Love. And that caused me quite some headache. Fog, confusion, doubt, fear, etc. I know Love is all there is. I knew that before I even started this journey. I was already living, or at least trying my best to live in alignment and harmony with that knowing. All the fancy words and ideas I came across along the path, were more often than not just mentally stimulating. Not all that helpful. I was getting high on the thrill of it all - so to speak. I was trying to understand it, a bit too much, a bit too hard - instead of simply living it. Breathing it. Being it. So now, as I'm sobering up, I see it all as tons of stuff to let go off. I don't really feel attracted to all those concepts and pointers anymore. I am much more interested in being one with the breath, for example. Knowing how to navigate thoughts and emotions. Knowing how to re-center, find calm and peace within, whenever life 'catches me off guard'. If you got the message, hang up the phone, indeed.

Still one of the greatest prog albums of all time.

Breathe You will rise Above the clouds Breathe You are safe here Feel The rain will Wash away your tears Be You belong here Breathe The Sun will shine Upon your path Breathe You are all you need

@Serenity Thank you. A book would be a nice gesture. I'm trying to open her mind up a bit to 'alternative methods' of healing. It's all pretty much woo woo to her, for now haha! @Loop Indeed. Wish you and your family the best. Much love.

@Phil Appreciate it man. Holding space is what I do most often, indeed. But there are times when it 'gets to me'. As I said above, she's extremely resistant to anything I or anyone else has to suggest to her. She is quite deep in denial on one hand, and is running away from her issues, and on the other hand it's catch up with her and it's getting difficult for her to ignore everything. I know she's scared. She broke down in tears yesterday after seeing the doctor. Let's hope for the best. Thanks again everyone.

Thank you both. Appreciate both sides of the coin, so to speak. It's easy to not get disturbed by everything when I'm away, but anytime I visit her or she visits me, it's hard to ignore the suffering in her eyes and keep a positive view on things. We also have tons of unresolved shit from our past. There's definitely some sort of trauma bond between us. Hence real, direct and peaceful communication is impossible. Addressing our core wounds seems even less possible. It leaves me with this idea that there's nothing I can do but stay away. Which then usually comes with feeling guilty and whatnot. Just tried to talk to her earlier and we ended up fighting over nothing. So that kinda answers my question I guess. I think the only thing I can really do is focus on my own wellbeing and pray for hers.

She is one of the strongest people I know, but she's not doing well. She's only 45 and already has signs of serious health issues. She got diagnosed with diabetes at age 30. Her nervous system is totally fucked. It's all a result of an extremely stressful way of living. She nearly worked herself to death. Already fell into a coma once, but by some miracle was found in time and was able to be 'brought back'. It was a long and difficult recovery. She had barely 45kgs when she came out of the hospital. She's a fighter, but I can see in her eyes she's becoming more and more afraid. And so am I for her. It's quite heavy on the heart at times. She's just been to a doctor for a ruthin check today, which she was avoiding for a long time. The biggest concern is that's she's losing sensation in her feet. She has a lot of pain in her legs and is taking strong medication. She still works a lot and somehow manages to push through it, but by the end of the day she can barely walk. It could be said she's a hardcore workaholic. Though she does work less now then before. Her body simply can't take it anymore. I don't know if there's anything I can do to help her. She's extremely stubborn and I doubt she'd accept any suggestions I may have to offer, but I guess it's worth a try. I cannot shake the idea that her condition is a result of all that build up trauma and whatnot that she has been running away from her whole life. That's why her nervous system is on fire and that's why she got diabetes too. She was never overweight or anything. She's still relatively fit and loves to walk a lot. Running or working out is not an option anymore. And she used to love that. She's vegan, eats very clean and healthy. So that's not an issue. Her psychology is concerning though. Doesn't deal with emotions properly and lashes out frequently. Here and there says something that indicates she's having suicidal thoughts. I can tell she is just so exhausted and in a sense is losing the will to live. I'd suggest her some kind of therapy. Both physical and psychological. But I'm pretty sure she would be resistant. Is there anything I can do to help? Or are my hands tied here?

Just rediscovered this. So good.