ivankiss

There has to be a deeper, more all-encompassing truth, a more direct and straightforward path than anything I've ever heard from any spiritual teacher or guru. I am grateful for all those insights and pointers, but I will never subscribe entirely to any of those paths. Something's just off, in all of them. Nearly every single thing I've heard, I found to be equally as harmful as helpful. One can easily weaponize and use it all against themselves. The issue is not thought identification, or the individual, or the ego, or whatever. The issue is also not that you have not consumed psychedelics a thousand times. The issue is not ambition, desire, dreams or goals. The issue is not lack of meditation or any other practice. There must be a more direct way. And it must be completely unique to each and every individual. It's not a path one follows. It's a path one carves alone.

I sat on the bench for quite some time, absorbing the sunlight. And then I had this vision of a beautiful, simple life. Me and my beloved, in a cosy little home, somewhere out in the nature. We grew our own food, had our own little divine garden. We were both doing our own thing... Appreciating silence just as much as we enjoyed conversing. We rarely left our home, but surely had visitors stopping by. It was a beautiful vision. The deepest and the most honest of desires. I hope one day I wake up to living that dream.

In the rays of the sun I am longing for the darkness

God damn... I've been missing some Opeth in my life, for sure. And I should contemplate this change To ease the pain And I should step out of the rain Turn away

I'm back in the valley. Being on the top of the mountain is but a fading memory. Was it even real? I'm so sure I've climbed all the way up... I've got nothing but this light I carry. And somehow, it's even scarier now that I see. Even more difficult now that I'm awake.

Sometimes the only way up is down. Reaching higher does not feel authentic. I cannot grow faster than I'm already growing. Cannot transform faster than I'm already transforming. Truth is, I'm tired of making sense of it all. I'm tired of understanding. Tired of not understanding. Tired of thinking that I know. Tired of fearing that I do not know. I cannot escape the chaos. Cannot numb the pain. Cannot silence the voice. It is what it is.

Distracting from Your deficiencies While you point at others Enlightened You judge and execute To be the only one To discover the seven Toss open and pass The gates to heaven

Fear is never gone from your soul That saw humiliation Being prey to the blackest of demons Paralyzed you fail Fallen beneath The mark of dignity You fail A demon passed on from one To the next infiltrates A mind innocent and pure Planting the seed to possess Another soul that is doomed to fail Only Ash Remains A demon passed on from one To the next infiltrates A mind innocent and pure Being prey to the blackest Of demons, paralyzed they fail Fallen beneath The mark of dignity They fail Only Ash Remains

I am getting that job, even if it breaks me. I am hitting that gym. I am buying that computer and that equipment. Getting that apartment. I don't care what it takes. I'm getting myself back on that fucking track.

This inner child work, shadow integration, or whatever the heck is going on is really frustrating. At times I want nothing to do with any of this shit. I know this would all take care of itself naturally, if I was making music. That's how it has been even when I wasn't aware of what was going on. I was expressing, healing and enjoying the whole process without knowing a thing about consciousness work and all that biz. I am angry with myself for putting aside the only thing that matters in this life to me. And for what? For some random, messed up girl that I thought was my one and only? For approval? For validation? For love and affection? Fucking hell man... It's so fucking stupid what I did. It's so lame. No wonder I've been a mess for the past few years. I basically sold my soul and got fed shit in return. No matter how far I go and no matter in what direction, I always end up here: I just want to make music again. The way I know I can. Carefree and with a heart wide open. I must be healthy, yes. I must have some stability in my life, yes. An income, my own place and all that. But what it's all for and about, what it has always been for and about, is music. Then again... I had health, a good income, a nice apartment and a social circle - just a few months ago. What the fuck was stopping me from making music? My computer sucked, yes, but all the money I've spent on weed and unnecessary bullshit could've bought me three new computers. What was stopping me then? I was hurting and I did not feel ready after that mess of a relationship, I guess. I was waiting for some 'perfect moment' or whatever. I was blocked from my creative spark... The gap was too big. The pause too long. I don't know.... Seems like a catch 22... But I've had enough of it. Things must change, now. One way or another. I've had enough of this bullshit.

There we go... That's more like it! Funny, I felt much love for this little guy as soon as I picked it up. The lady in the shop was super kind and cool too. There were quite a few crystals of this kind - some more yellowish, others more brownish... But one stood out to me right away. About to meditate with it in the park a bit.

Haha!

18, huh? I know what I've been doing back then. I was locked in my room and going nuts on the guitar. Failed at many things, but playing was not one of them. Hello there, 18yr old me. Love ya kiddo. And thank you so much.

False The dream is so far Come and take the consequence Few things are as certain Winter state Oppressive wait Evacuate Assemble here Soil's song In your throat Future death In your reach Who's first Ok Mask Your face well hidden Keep your last words in your hand Fold it and open up Time to go Release the glow False The dream is so far

My thoughts are super dramatic and I feel like a whiny little bitch on the inside. But on the outside I'm keeping it cool. I appear very calm and collected. Been thinking, and maybe getting a licence for a truck would not be a bad idea. Felt kinda inspired for a moment. Maybe driving a truck would suit me actually. Maybe I'd end up liking it. The money is real good, I hear. I would be going places and I could also juggle trading and music in the background. Will see... Need a gym with a punching bag. Gotta let some of this anger out.

Honestly, I'd much rather be making music and trading only. Travelling, writing, making new friends and focusing on my wellbeing. But I also understand that's not quite possible just yet. Cannot skip ahead. I need to go through this phase to get to that chapter. Having a routine like this should also ground me and slow my mind down a bit. I must make peace with being where I am. I doubt I will truly enjoy this job. And I enjoyed even less what I've been doing before. But what can ya do... It seems as if I have no other options right now. Gotta earn some money, some way. My mother moved me from my hometown in Serbia to Slovenia when I was 15. She determined what high school I was going to be attending. I could not care less about it. I always knew in my heart that I wanted to be a musician. Anything else made no sense at all. Maybe I was interested a little bit in architecture and design, or anything that has to do with building stuff from scratch. But being the depressed little lost teen I was back then, I had no voice to argue about what school I wanted to be in. I was too confused because of moving already. I just wanted to skip ahead the whole thing. Get it over with asap. So yeah, ended up attending a school for tourism, because my mother thought it was a good fit, because I was good with people and spoke languages. Dropped out towards the end and started working. So that's why I cannot have a career in what I love and enjoy now. I must do these soul draining, boring, repetitive jobs - for no other reason than to earn a living. I am a creative god damnit! I need to work on something meaningful, to see progress and have a final product. This is torture for me. I can only see myself doing this temporarily, until I save some money and pull off the impossible. It's a short term solution - even though it's been lasting for quite a while now. I have an escape plan, a solid one, and I've been working on realizing it for a while. But I also kinda need a miracle here. I need the help of the heavens.

Applied for a job today. Was feeling pretty good about it during the call. The guy was very chill. It's in the field of transportation/logistics, as I wanted. But I would not have to drive all over EU. Mainly along the coast of Slovenia. Salary is not bad, but more importantly, the schedule is perfect. I'd be working only in the morning, 8hrs, 5 to 6 days in a week. I really need a stable and constant schedule like that now. It would allow me to build a nice little routine, and not be scattered all over the place, like when I was working long hours in restaurants/hotels. It was very unpredictable and draining. The guy said he's organizing interviews next week. Looking forward to getting the job. In the meantime, I might make a few more calls.

@Blessed2 Thanks for all the info. Will look a bit deeper into crystals later. Picked up a citrine a few minutes ago. They did not have one as a necklace though... Might look for another hippy shop. It feels nice in my hands. It's small and cute. Been playing with it between my fingers while walking. Hopefully it's going to be sunny tomorrow - I'd like to lay down in a park and absorb some sunlight with the crystal on my solar plexus. Then I'd cleanse it the sea. Tonight I'll do a meditation session with it indoors.

I've been wearing black and gray clothing, pretty much exclusively, since I can remember. Very rarely do I wear colours. Almost never. It's hard to imagine myself in a yellow t-shirt for example haha! I also love wearing white, but not too often. I feel like it's attracting too much attention. Again, not a huge believer in this stuff, but I heard that black is absorbing all the energies from the environment and white is reflecting it. Also heard that wearing particular colours can boost chakras. Not sure if there's something to that, but it would explain some stuff.

@Blessed2 Thanks! Crystals are beautiful to me, and I heard quite a few stories about their power... but I cannot lie, I have quite some doubt/disbelief about them being able to heal me haha. I'm willing to give it a shot though. Off to a hippy shop soon. Will share the experience.

I was in a band back then, I think. I had a small 18th birthday party in our practice room. Had a girlfriend. But why is everything so foggy around it...? Haha! This should be fun. Enough for today though. Off to watch a movie and then sleep.

Interesting... I cannot recall any real memories from when I was 18 haha. 19 and onwards yes. 16 and down too. But 17 and 18 are quite mysterious. Hmm...

@Phil Wow, thank you for such an in depth reply. Might need to go over it a few times to fully absorb it, but I can already tell there's a lot that can help. Been walking a lot, everyday, I almost feel the urge that I must. I keep bringing awareness back to the feet, but I don't feel my whole body. Like some parts are literally missing haha. Especially in the lower back and external oblique area. Hips seem to be stuck. I also feel like I need to put on some muscle as well as gain strength. I'm 183cm, 71kg, around 12% body fat - I'd say. Feeling like I do not weigh enough to be properly grounded. Would love to be around 83kg. Thanks alot again, looking forward to implementing what you said.

Frequent contractions in the 'solar plexus' area. I'm pretty sure it's directly tied to focus issues. Forcing air into it and stretching the muscles usually comes with quite some pain, but in a sense works. Opening up and expanding feels wonderful. A sense of power, centeredness, fearlessness, confidence, steadiness and balance. It allows the chest area, or 'heart chakra' to expand and radiate. Tons of tension in hamstrings, back, neck and jaw. Everywhere, to be honest. Stretching and breathing my way through feels good, but it's going to take a lot of time to work through it all. Been considering a chiro and some massages for a while. The body does not lie. It's showing me everything. It's like a map of everything I've been through. Would appreciate a thought or two about this from you @Phil, if you have any advice. Anyone else, too. I'm trying to make my way into the body haha! I feel disassociated/disconnected to great extent.

There is nothing to be solved in the past, it's all perfect as it is and it's for the highest good. But if I don't make peace with it and understand why things happened the way they did, it could prevent me from making the right decision here and now. It could lead me to more head and heart ache. Parts of me are still stuck there and it's right that I do the work now when not much is happening. Cannot afford to be held back once I enter the next chapter of my life.