ivankiss

God I love to walk. Never walked this slow and this consciously ever before. I felt super grounded. Super aware of my weight, gravity and its pull. It was so heavy, but heavy in the most beautiful way. Maintaining equilibrium flawlessly. Razor sharp focus. So intricate yet so simple. Perfectly synchronized. Perfectly now. I wished for nothing else. Barely any thought crossed my mind. Meshuggah in my ears. Breathing through it all. Adjusting to the terrain. Yes, yes, yes, so much yes. This is exactly what I was longing for. Grounded and awake.

Interview for that cool job confirmed for thursday, sometime between 10am and noon. It resonates pretty hard atm. I really, really hope I get it.

The struggle to free myself from restraints becomes my very shackles

And the shadow said: 'Let me out, now. Let me rage, let me yell, let me cry out lout, let me be dramatic and chaotic and act in all the ways you think are not pretty or appropriate. Let me be as I am. Let me show you the power I hold. Until then, I will make you suffer and burn from the inside out.'

Something from a conversation I just had: (Thought it was cool and importan, so I had to copy and paste) I'm trying not to create an enemy out of that part of me. Be it 'the shadow' or whatever. I do not want to give it the impression that I want to throw it away or abandon it - if that makes any sense. I feel like inviting it in and integrating it into being is what has to be done. It only acts the way it does and causes the 'troubles' it does, because I've not been there for it. Not there for myself. Not showing enough love, respect and understanding. It is oh so powerful. Just as much as 'the light' - if you will. Because it is, in essence, the light. I just ended up rejecting it and hiding it somehow. I was ashamed. Still am, to some extent, but I'm working on regaining its trust. I feel like the shadow is almost like a gatekeeper of some sort. It holds the key to everything I ever wanted - so to speak. But it's super clever and it knows if you're only trying to befriend it so that you could unlock those gifts. It cannot be fooled. This must be real and for no other reason than to be at peace and whole.

Funny, in retrospect, I do not necessarily stand behind or identify with all these thoughts and feelings. I just really feel the need to put them out there, at that time. Once it's all expressed there is more space and clarity in my mind, and a 'realer' and 'more sober' me can step forth.

Recorded a little video... Feels like quite a big breakthrough.

Some much needed empowerment! I stand alone Inside I stand alone Feeling your sting down inside me I'm not dying for it I stand alone Everything that I believe is fading I stand alone Inside I stand alone

I just need to figure out this money thing. Everything else seems to be just fine. I am a great cook, can clean and am more tidy than most people I met, I have a deep passion for living, a strong sense of purpose and much love for all living beings. Everything seems to be as it should be. Why am I struggling with money? I am not afraid of working. I had good jobs and was working long hours before. I was always one of the hardest working employees. Work ethic or discipline is clearly not the issue. I just can't seem to be able to work for nothing anymore, and do these meaningless robotic jobs. At least not for too long. I don't want to. I literally feel like I'm hitting a brickwall. Maybe this is actually the start of me realizing my full value and potential. For real this time. I must figure out this money thing, damnit. But I am also aware of how much pressure I'm putting on myself because of that. I need to slow down in my mind and body, stop rushing forward, but not stop working on a solution. Maybe it finds me sooner than I find it. I trust and have faith overall, but these waves of doubt and uncertainty are really hardcore. For now I'm still pretty sure that trading is my ticket, but I'm open for being wrong about that. Looking forward to getting that 'regular job' next week, to earn some money for the investments I have in mind. Can't see myself staying more than a few months there though.

If I really think about it, it completely makes sense that I'm all alone and rarely hang out with anyone. I have great social/communication skills, I am good looking, I am intelligent and have a lot of emotional depth. I am calm and friendly. Fun and exciting, too. The reason I'm all alone is not because of any lack of skills or because I'm a difficult person to be around. It's because I cannot be a part of something fake and superficial anymore. It's because I cannot take part in things that most of the people keep doing completely mindlessly. It's because I am honest and I see through bullshit. And people don't like that. It's too much for them. It's triggering everything within them that they are afraid to look at. It's ok to be alone. I'd much rather have 1 to 3 really good friends, who are all aligned with their purpose and walking their own path, than have a big group of friends just to feel a part of something. I'd much rather hear from a friend every now and then, than hang out with them every day, talking about nonsense and engaging in meaningless activities. I'd also much rather be single at this point, than have someone just to fill the void. I am open for meeting new people on this journey and create cool, lasting memories with them. But it's clear to me that I am meant to stand alone. It's totally fine. It will take some time to fully make peace with that and not interpret it as loneliness that's weighing me down... but I know I will make it. I know it's right. The strongest ones stand alone.

Turn back time Reason why Breakneck speed History Waiting Waning Exasperating Unstrung tethered Hoping forever No! I tried to settle bets with my own soul Bless my lips for the first time before you don't Gripping to the last touch of your hand I grow to loathe Hope that you remeber just how far I'll go Spend the rest of my life wishing I'm enough Resist! Resist! Resist!

I observed some jellyfish by the shore. They were quite large, mainly transparent, with some purple and pink. First I was amazed by how free-flowing they were, how surrendered to the sea and its waves. But then I looked away for some time, and when I looked back, the majority of them were smashed to pieces against the rocks, or thrown out of the water. Nature is dangerous. We survive because we got good at resisting and avoiding that danger. Some creatures do not have that ability. There is a time and a place for surrendering. And there is a time and a place for pushing back, resisting and fighting for the higher good. Or even just fighting for survival. I feel like I'm having a lesson in resistance now. It's something to be mastered.

Tonight I hang by a thread As the voice in my head takes control Of this pain that I have felt before On trial, my confidence weakens I'm close to defeat But tonight the verdict will be televised Calling no witnesses to the stand Clearing my name with no evidence Knowing this could be my final chance No one is coming to my defense Inside the truth is suppressed With unlimited access denied To all the things you wish to hide The lies, the sex and the secrets Will tear us to pieces in time When no one can tell wrong from right Calling no witnesses to the stand Clearing my name with no evidence Knowing this could be my final chance No one is coming to my defense

Interesting... Yesterday and today as well, I was able to move the pain from the right side of my head to the left, and even neutralize it. Don't know if I can explain accurately what I'm doing, it's all very intuitive, but basically I'm focusing in on the sensation, leaning into it and moving it. Pretty much willing it away. It comes with funny facial expressions and body movements. I'm definitely spending too much time in the right side of my brain, or whatever - hence the pain and the fog. I must merge more with the left side. Simple A to B stuff. Action. Execution. Accomplishment.

Hate the idea of selling stuff to people. Especially if it's garbage. Is there no way around this? Is the only way to have money to sell crap to people and fuck them over for some profit? Or sell your soul to some corrupt company and work for little to nothing? It's bullshit. I don't even like the idea of selling my music. It doesn't seem right. Music should be free. Helping each other should be free too. You don't help someone for profit. You help them because you have a heart goddamnit! I think investments are really the way for me here, in this messed up system. It's not what I would absolutely love to do, but it seems like the safest and most aligned way for me to make some decent money. I go where all the money is, invest what I have and take from those who are most corrupt. Big banks and institutions. It's like a Robin Hood type of scenario. I can dig it.

I've been living a lie, no doubt about it. That's the twist. That's the source of all the suffering. I would say that I'm quite honest in my interactions, but not as honest as I could be. I don't always say what I really want to say, especially when it comes to family. Mostly because I don't want to hurt other people's feelings. I don't want to be too rude or harsh. I know there is a way to be perfectly clear and honest, without being a dick. I've been there before, and it's beautiful when I pull it off. When I'm able to communicate something difficult or unpleasant without causing harm to anyone. But an even bigger issue than that, is lying to myself. I could point fingers and say that it's because I've been lied to my whole life - especially these past few years... but I think that's not what I should be focusing on really. I must make peace with what I know is true for me. Slowly, one step at a time. I must cultivate courage to stay in that light. Not being pulled out of it or shying away from it. I lie to myself because I'm afraid of myself.

I've been waking up feeling like garbage for a very long while... Today I woke up feeling good and energized and with a smile on my face. So there must be something to this!

Of course! The path of honesty! That's the antidote! That's the cure! Honesty will take you all the way. Honesty will set you free. Honesty is your liberator.

@Faith Great, now I'm embarrassed haha! But thank you ❤️

I've been starving for attention, too. No wonder why. I don't do much about it. I don't dress ridiculously, I don't act or talk so that everyone can notice me, I don't post nonsense on social media just to get some response... I don't do shit. Unless going nuts on forums counts haha! All I do is just hide in my thoughts, this place I know so well, and secretly wish that someone notices me. Haha! That's enough of brutal honesty for tonight. Felt good, but also kinda scary. Don't want to freak myself out too much. Off to bed.

I also frequently oscillate between thinking that I'm better than everyone else and thinking that I'm a worthless piece of shit. But again, rarely do I speak out loud these thoughts. It's an awesome feeling, to be right in the middle - so to speak - and feel equal and like we're all in this together and like no one is anything more or less than the other. But I'm not in that sweet spot that often. Most of the time I'm stuck at not being good enough. Everything I do must be absolutely perfect, or else I'm a piece of shit haha. Man, family can really fuck you up huh Negligence is one of the worst kinds of abuse. It's so silent. You don't even know that it's fucking you up.

I've been judging the crap out of myself since I can remember. I judge others too, but far less, not as harshly and almost never out loud. Funny, it's almost like a defense mechanism... No one can judge me as hard as I can judge myself. Nothing anyone says can be darker than what I say to myself. It's an attempt to keep me safe, really. And it's kinda working. I am aware of how and why I am so judgemental and yet that does not seem to eliminate judgement. So clearly, getting rid of it is not the way. I guess it's ok to judge.

I choose to live and to Grow, take and give and to Move, learn and love and to Cry, kill and die and to Be paranoid and to Lie, hate and fear and to Do what it takes to step through

The biggest spiritual ego trip is fearing to respond when someone calls you by your name, because that would imply you believe in separation haha! Been there, it was not fun. Very important note to self: If all you can think and talk about all day is spiritual concepts, if you want to hang out only with 'woke people', if you are afraid of 'low vibrations', 'negative thoughts' or anything like that - you are not liberated. You are a prisoner.