ivankiss

I started isolating super hardcore during my most recent relationship. We were meeting people here and there, but most of the time it was just me and her locked in a room. And later, quite literally trapped on an island. We were young, stupid and hurting. It makes complete sense why the relationship was so toxic. She was the aggressor, I was the enabler. I knew pretty much from the very beginning that I should get the hell out of that relationship, but it's like I was enchanted. I hated the way she acted, but I was so damn in love with her. Blinded by this idea that someday, when we both heal and get our shit together, we could live the dream. That we could be happy, fulfilled, at peace and in love. I fucking split my heart in two to make it work. There is not a single thing I did not try. Ended up losing everything, myself included. 1,400 days of madness. Non stop, 24/7. We spent a total of 3 days apart during the whole relationship. It hardly gets more codependent than that. Working was impossible. There was too much drama to be able to hold on to a job. We both went in debt to get by. I sold everything I had. All of my equipment, my instruments, accessories, everything. It was worse than being addicted to heroin, I'd say. Many who survived similar relationships claim the same. Withdrawals were absolutely out of this world painful. The trauma bond was so damn strong, it took me several times of leaving, to finally fully cut contact. I'm doing ok, I guess. It's been more than a year now. But this habit of isolation remained. Having difficulties to work, as well. I still think about her and everything that went down, a lot. Pretty much every day. Although I want nothing to do with her, ever again. Not even see her. I have moments of anger and all that, but all in all, I honestly wish her well. I know she's hurting so damn bad, I know that is the reason she was acting the way she did. I wish her health and peace. I wish her happiness and love. I wish she stops abusing herself and those around her. But may she stay far, far away from me. It sucks, because I cannot commit to just one perspective on it all. It was absolute hell, but it was also beautiful. It was completely devastating, but it was also one of the most exciting things that ever happened to me. And it would have not happened if I was not so messed up. If she was not so fucked up. I just want to move on and live the life I know in my heart I want to live. I want to heal, I want this fog out of my mind, this pain out of my chest. I don't want to forget, but I also don't want these memories to weigh me down and haunt my dreams. Show me the way. I want out. Give me strength. Guide me. I feel powerless over this. It's too big and too heavy. It comes uninvited and it goes not away on command. Please. I want to live fully. I want to be of service. I am of no use in this condition.

@Phil Happy to share. Appreciate what you've got going on here 🙏

@Tarak Yeah, it's beautiful. It means a lot to me too, especially in these times of solitude and uncertainty. It's good to know that I'm not the only one who's going through shit haha. 1g a day is pretty good if you ask me. Back when I was working and was more active, I used to smoke at the end of the day, and I got into a pretty nice groove. Even 0.5g was enough sometimes. But now, before I quit, I was smoking 5g every two or three days and I wasn't feeling good. Mainly because I was already kinda stuck and was overthinking stuff, and weed only made my thoughts louder and I was even more anxious and disconnected. So yeah, I quit mainly to regain some clarity and vitality, but also financially I could not manage smoking that much. I love the plant and what it can bring, and I'm probably not saying goodbye forever, but right now it's not smart for me to smoke. It would be super cool to grow my own one day, as you do. CBD is also great, sometimes I liked it even more, because my head was clear, but it did relax me. Maybe I have some sort of a chemical imbalance in my brain, or it's all because of an inflated nervous system, but I was definitely using cannabis as a form of medicine. I liked getting 'high' too, making awesome music and sex was also so good on it, but I'd say I was smoking mainly to feel 'normal' and at ease. I feel like I'm too tense and on edge without it. I am kinda missing it, it was like a good friend that I could come home to every day, but I know I'm making the right choice for now. Withdrawals were pretty hardcore for me. Being some sort of a therapist crossed my mind too. I love talking to people about 'issues'. I love opening up and I also love it when they open up to me. But I doubt I'd be able to make a profession out of it. At least not for a while. Right now I just really want to get out of the field of tourism. Cannot do it anymore. I'd love to work something with my hands. Preferably with wood. It's great that you remained friends with your ex wife and that she's so understanding. I cannot say that about my most recent girlfriend, which I believed was the love of my life at the time. Cannot imagine having a kid with her, it would have been hell. It was very much of a Johnny Depp/Amber Heard type of relationship haha! Grateful I survived it. In conclusion, it's not easy to be someone who's highly attuned and sensitive these days. Or an empath - if you will. It's important to find strength within, have strong boundaries, stay grounded and have purpose. Wish you all the best brother.

What you don't do is equally as important as what you do.

@Tarak Wow... So many similarities here haha! Minus having a kid. I think that plays a huge role. It's an enormous commitment and comes with tons of responsibilities. I think it's super awesome that you kept that spark within and still play music. Many give up completely. Experimented with quite a few drugs, but never really got hooked to anything. Except weed. Used to smoke quite a lot and isolate from the world. Stopped a few months ago - it didn't feel right anymore. I too thought at one point that I'd be able to live from making music, but quickly realized it wasn't going to work out. I could not create authentic and quality art under the pressure of having to pay the bills at the end of the month. So I tried to establish another source for money to flow in. One that would allow me to move around and have the freedom to live as I wanted. That led me to trading. Been juggling all that stuff for a few years now... Not quite there yet, but I'm not giving up. It's super cool to connect with you here. Hopefully one day we meet in person too. Don't really have any advice or suggestions, sorry. I'm sure you know everything you need to know in your heart. Just keep going. The world needs you.

Feel you bro. It's not easy. I never really had suicidal tendencies, but I understand how one could end up there. My biggest fear is dying before I do what I really wanna do. Not living fully before my time runs out. If it wasn't for this great love I have for music and this dream I had since I was a kid, I can see how I could lose all will to continue in this messed up world. It is this sense of a mission, a purpose, that's keeping me from giving up. What are you most passionate about? There are times when looking at the world like it's all just a reflection of you can do more harm than good. At least that's what I found. There are times when all this knowledge about spirituality and stuff can end up being your prison, instead of liberate you. In times like that, what's far more healthy and even more spiritually advanced, is to say 'fuck this shit' and ask your heart to show you the way. Sorry if I'm rambling, or projecting my shit here. Just felt like sharing this.

Reconnected with a 'brother from another mother' earlier. Had a short but awesome video jam and a very nice chat. It's been years since we saw each other. He's writing his own story somewhere on the other side of the globe. We go waaay back. There are periods of silence in our friendship - times when being in contact is simply not relevant. But whenever we reconnect, it's like no time has passed at all. There is much love and respect between us. It's going to be such a trip when our paths cross again. I am very grateful that we're on this journey together.

@Tarak ❤🙏

Very cool spot!

@Tarak Thank you. What you are saying is probably true, but it is not how I authentically feel right now. I believe I should have more control over my life. I gotta do what has to be done and reclaim my power. I think that's what I need to learn and integrate in this phase. I'm pretty good at surrendering. What I'm not that good at is claiming complete responsibility, taking action and being self-reliant. I need to be there for myself. Negligence is a huge pattern.

I really, really don't like the fact that I have to depend on someone else now. Be it family, a friend or a stranger. I feel anger and disappointment towards myself for being here. Shame and guilt. I struggle to accept the situation. I never had any real savings for emergencies or whatever, money was always kinda flowing through me. It went as quickly as it came. It was never really a problem, until now that I got sick and was unable to do shit for two months. Having some savings would have prevented me from slipping down here. And it would have also save me from quite some headache even before this happened. I need to become more serious about this whole money thing, for the sake of my own wellbeing and safety. I also must eliminate all remaining tendencies to rely on anyone. There is always a price for that. At least that's what life's showing me now. I don't like it one bit. I'd rather be out there, nowhere and depend on no one. But I am also aware that that would not be smart now. I am not strong and stable enough to move forward into the unknown without a safety net. It might as well cost me my sanity or even my life. I need to swallow my pride, get through this and then never allow myself to end up like this again.

Something pretty incredible happened earlier while I was walking. It wasn't really the first time it happened, but it's been a while... I don't know if I can describe it accurately, but basically I had full awareness and control of my body. Or at least much, much more than I'm used to. I felt one with this sensation that we label 'the body'. My perception changed too. Everything seemed super solid and immovable. Heavy and grounded. It might sound stupid, but I was totally walking like I was a main character in a movie, or an rpg game or whatever. I was walking consciously, deliberately and on purpose. One with each and every step. It was precise and exact. Not wobbly or uncertain or anything - as it has been lately. It almost felt robotic or something. I felt like I wasn't me anymore, yet at the same time I was more me than ever. There was also this overlaying 'theme' of being some sort of a priest. It's rather funny, but that was totally the vibe. I realize that the stuff I've been going through is all part of awakening. When I'm knee deep in healing and sorting shit out, it may seem as if I've fallen from grace and slipped back into the dark night of the soul - or whatever - but it's actually the highest road I could take right now. There is a very, very good reason for it all. I am proud of myself for committing to this journey. Not trying to dismiss it all as 'just a story' or 'just a dream' or whatever, when it's not coming from a true and authentic place. Matt Kahn once said something along these lines - and I found it to be so hilarious and so damn true... When Jesus was on the cross, and people were throwing rocks at him, he did not say: 'Thank God none of this is real! Thank God it's all just an illusion! Thank God there is no Self here!' Haha! No! Jesus said: 'Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do.' And he also said: 'Father, why have you forsaken me?' Self, selflessness, love, pain and suffering... All in one being. All in one breath.

Slept good. Feeling a bit out of place again, but it only makes sense. I'll be spending my days outdoors now, sleeping and cleaning myself at my grandmother's. Monday I'm going to look for a job and then I might leave her place. A friend of the family offered me to sleep on his couch. He's a kind hearted guy, and at least I don't have any trauma bond or whatever going on with him. I think it would be a much safer choice. Until then: walking, thinking, breathing, music... that's pretty much all. It's incredible how soothing heavy metal can be: Look down at the body you may see no trace of wounds but in the eye the eye of the beholder one cannot assume Not a drop of blood is drawn but you know how it bleeds beware of the sharp edged weapon called human being It is a shield of passion and strong will from this I am the victor instead of the kill I will not feed your hunger, instead I bite the pain looking not back, but forward I bite down hard try to cover up the trail of deceit and daggers spawned from your soul Acid, the tears of remorse flow in vain, too late for regrets save it for the next ill fated game

@Tarak It's all connected, for sure. I'm often bombarded with insights and ideas about it all... but the more I think about it, or try to understand it, the more my mind feels like it's about to explode lol. Shaking, crying and screaming out loud seems to be much more helpful. I also really feel like I need to hit the gym and start lifting heavy weights. Thanks again for your input. May you be blessed.

@Tarak Oh yeah, for sure. I've been aware of all that for quite a while now, and I thought that I was out and done with all this crap years ago. I went no contact for 2 years or so, moved to the other side of the globe... but then I ended up in an equally if not more toxic and abusive relationship with my then girlfriend haha! Been picking myself back up, ever since that nightmare ended. Things were going pretty good for some time, but then life threw a few curveballs and now I'm here. Back where it all started - so to speak. It's fucked up, hilarious and everything in between haha! @Faith Heavy... I'm really sorry. Must have been devastating. I admire you for being so strong and surviving all that hell. I'm totally fine with going no contact again, and I'm also fine with keeping the contact minimal. Loving from far away - so to speak. But I honestly don't know how I would handle her dying. I don't feel ready for that, at all. It's crossing my mind often and it's scaring the crap out of me. I don't want it to end like this. I truly hope it does not. It's not time yet. There must be a way for us two to find some sort of a common language. I know the love is great and mutual. It's just all this conditioning, or whatever it is, that's in the way. Much love and respect to you.

So my grandmother called... My mother let her know what went down yesterday. Grandma offered me to sleep on her couch and use her bathroom, if I wanted. So I drove there, mainly because I wanted to take a shower real bad. I'm ok with sleeping in my car, but having no place to take a shower can really suck. I'm crashing here tonight, but I'm not sure for later. She's a pretty heavy drinker and has her own issues too. She's also a master manipulator and gaslighter lol. My mother had a terrible upbringing due to her drinking and stuff... So I'm not sure if it's smart to stay here for to long either. Will see... One day at a time.

@Tarak Just checked out some vids, and it looks pretty much exactly as I imagined it haha! Not gonna lie, I like it and I don't like it at the same time haha!

@Loop Thank you. The scenery was nice, but what I love even more is just walking and breathing. Feeling pretty good right now. @Tarak That sounds like an awesome adventure. Thank you for sharing. I remember years ago, my buddy and I were hosting a group of travelling hippies - if you will - and they mentioned they were heading towards such a gathering. Not sure if it was the same one, it was taking place somewhere in the Netherlands, I believe. I did camp on festivals before and enjoyed it a lot. I imagine it would be somewhat of a similar experience. Not sure if it's relevant now though... Will keep it in mind. Thanks!

@Loop Left I went indeed. Here's the view:

Left or right?

The other option I mentioned (living in my car, etc.) would give me all the time and freedom I want to move around, connect with cool people and most importantly focus fully on trading. I've been trading on and off for 3+ years now, and there was always something that threw me off track. Maybe this is what I needed all along. Little to no responsibilities and expenses and a lot of free time. The price I'd have to pay is giving up being comfortable for a while. Plenty of people start their online business from their cars and on the road. It can totally be done. And the money I have right now should be more than enough of an investment. I would have to be very careful though. Cannot afford losing it. Although I am expecting to receive the same amount I have now, maybe even a bit more, next month. I'm just not sure if that's the right choice. I'd be risking and sacrificing a lot, and it might not work out at all. Getting a regular job and moving into an apartment surely seems like the safer and more convenient option.... but I've been there before. Living from paycheck to paycheck, having little to no time and motivation to do what I really wanted. I don't know... I really don't. Going for a nice long walk now. It stopped raining.

@Loop Thanks. That's quite inspiring. I know I have it in me, to go through whatever it takes. But there is also a lot of doubt and uncertainty in my mind. In a sense, I am homeless by choice, too. I could've stayed a bit longer at my mother's place, dance to her whistling, and suffer in silence... The idea was that after I recover fully from covid, I'd start working, split some expenses with her and slowly save up to 5k or so. I needed the money to invest it into music equipment, my trading account, etc. Have to find another way now. Getting a job and an apartment is really just the first step for me - if I decide to go down that road.

@Tarak Thank you man. I know what you mean and it's something I've been struggling with on and off. I feel like I'm on the right track now. Thank you for offering me a place to stay too, it's really nice of you. But I doubt it would be a good move. Belgium is quite far from where I am atm. I'm in Slovenia for now. If I do decide on driving in that direction though, I will reach out to you. Blessings.

I slept surprisingly well. Kept waking up every 2 or 3 hours, but my mind and heart were at peace. Watched a good movie on my laptop and had some good laughs. Fell asleep to the sound of the rain. Off to a nearby gas station to clean myself and stuff, and then I might do a little walk in nature. Perhaps some yoga and meditation. Still not entirely sure about my next big step. Thank you @Faith It's nice to have someone to relate to in times like this. I mainly fear that she will do something stupid, like shoot herself up with a lethal dose of insulin or whatever. I don't know how I would be able to deal with something like that. There's already enough on my plate. She's in a very bad spot and has lost touch with herself. At least that's how I see it. I know the things she says and does are not truly who she are... She just has some serious issues. Got scared for her for a moment last night, so I panicked and called. She did not answer. Early in the morning she sent a text and I let her know that I'm worried for her. She said she wishes they did not find her when she fell into a coma back then... I mean, this stuff is really hard to digest. I feel guilty for no real reason, and I feel like it's preventing me from moving forward the way I would like to. She does not know where I am or what I am up to. I would like to go no contact for a while. But I'm afraid. The last time I did it, she barely survived. I have this feeling that I was her only meaning and purpose in life and now she has no more will to live. It's a heavy burden to carry around. Yesterday I departed in peace, not in anger. Even though I had every reason and right to slam the door and not even look at her. I simply could not help myself but think of her condition and show a little bit of compassion. I did not want her to think I'm done with her forever. Not a word came out of my mouth while I was packing my stuff... but before I walked out the door I hugged her with tears in my eyes and left a kiss on her shoulder. It said everything words could not. Never heard the word 'sorry' come from her, not for me, not for anybody else. It would be nice to see that she acknowledges at least some of the stuff she did wrong... but I doubt it will happen. May she find the strength within.

Took a little nap, feeling as calm and at peace as I can be right now. There is a job opportunity that kinda grabbed my attention. It's in the field of transportation and logistics. I'd be basically driving a combi van and delivering goods across EU. It's really well paid too, more than what I've been used to anyways, so that's another plus. I like the idea, but I'm not 100% sure about it just yet. Maybe I'm not a good fit. I've been working in the field of tourism/catering for the past few years. That's what I'm most experienced in and also quite good at. But I really want to switch lanes. I'm tired of working with big crowds of people, it's too stressful and draining. However, if I don't get another option, I'll have to bite the bullet on this one. Can't stay unemployed for too long. Did not check into a hostel/motel, I'm gonna try sleeping in my car tonight. Found a nice spot.