ivankiss

New method to calm the nervous system: 2 to 5 rapid inhales, followed by one long sigh.

@Faith Thanks!

@Faith Definitely. Any job I'd get right now would be a stepping stone. I mainly want to save up to invest into my visions. But this job is truly a blessing, because I'm getting that hotel room, free food, etc. I'm also excited about gaining more experience as a receptionist. Confirmed to my friend that I want the job earlier. Waiting for him to respond with more details about the interview. As I understood yesterday, it's pretty urgent, so I'd be starting within a few days.

Earlier I won 50€ out of nowhere haha! My grandmother frequently buys those scratch-off lucky tickets, so today I decided to buy one too. And it was a nice winner. Immediately felt lots of gratitude and almost the urge to give some back. Later, as I was walking through the city centre, I saw this busker that was rocking a keyboard, so I gave him a few euros. Felt great. I got a taste of that magic, once again haha! To say yes to one instance, is to say yes to all of existence.

@Faith Awesome. The Universe sure has its ways haha! I want to trust and have faith fully again, but there is this wounded part of me that got burnt badly the last time I let go completely, so it's kinda holding me back a bit. It's going to be a process, but I know I'll get there. Just need to be there for myself. Love and understand myself. Super glad I started this journal, btw. Thanks for all the support.

@Faith Definitely. There is some fear and doubt in me, for whatever reason, but my inner compass is telling me this is the way I should go.

I mean, this is obviously an absolute blessing from the Universe. How the heck would this friend of mine know that I'm in need of a job, and not only that, but even more in need of a place to stay...? It's too perfect to be a coincidence. Another great thing, which I have been asking for, is that I would not have to pay rent and I'd barely have any expenses. I can eat in the hotel too. It's great. I'd pretty much have the whole paycheck to invest into my visions/goals. And yet another super cool thing is that I'd step away from restaurants and get more experience as a high class receptionist. That could come very, very useful in the future. I had this idea of maybe working on a cruise ship for a while, and I'm pretty sure attaining this experience could grant me my ticket. I could easily make some important connections here. The hotel is located right across the beach, it's a super hot spot for tourists. I see no downsides. I just have to muster up some courage and confidence. Thanks Universe. I see what you're doing.

Talked to that friend earlier. It was a very pleasant call. He talked to his boss and it is confirmed - they would give me a room in the hotel. I would be working as a receptionist only, which is a lot less stressful than working in a restaurant - so that's great too. I'm 99% I'll accept the job. Still a little bit resistant, don't really know why, but I'm also quite excited about it.

Hmm, this is interesting. Next time your thoughts are running wild and on random, ask yourself this: 'What will be my next thought?'

The main reason I don't want to work in a hotel is because of all that stress and noise that comes with it. I noticed that I started to disassociate hardcore in those scenarios - I have panic attacks and can't breathe normally. That is why I want to avoid by all cost working in that field. I'd much rather work something that would exhaust me more physically, but my mind would be at ease and my senses would not be bombarded from all angles. It's just because I'm in this healing phase and I'm super sensitive. On the other hand, facing all that discomfort and fear head on could maybe, possibly do me good and help me cultivate strength, confidence, willpower, etc. It could be a way to transcend this struggle and come out the other side. Left or right it is again.

Interesting... A distant friend contacted me and said that there is a job opportunity in a super fancy hotel where he works. He said that he'd be more than happy to recommend me. There is a possibility that I'd be able to get a room in the hotel, so that's a big plus. It should be well paid too. But I'm still super resistant to work in that field again. It's like my past is literally hunting me and won't allow me to change careers that easy haha! Will decide after that interview on Monday.

Apparently, it is very common for individuals who went through traumatic events to 'escape' into the upper chakras and disconnect from the lower ones. This would explain a lot. Like for example, why it was so super easy for me to understand all these spiritual concepts and see the light, why I always had a heighten intuition, why I was always so creative and could visualise all kinds of things, why I communicated everything so clearly, why I was always so kind, generous and loving. It would also explain why I struggled with being assertive, confident and dominant, why I was often in denial about how I truly felt, why I was afraid to feel, why I struggled with money, etc. I never really was fully in my body. And it's all a result of sensory overload. Feeling like it's not safe to be here. That's why I was always so on edge and hyper-aware of everything. I wouldn't allow myself to fully relax into being. It's all coming together. No matter what lense I'm looking through. Reaching the light was never hard for me. My real challenge is bringing the light to the ground.

Ahh, memories.. 😄

It was a good night. Out of nowhere, I was inspired and wrote around 30 bars for the third song of my new project. It's coming together slowly but beautifully. All three tracks flow effortlessly, precisely because I wasn't forcing anything. I was allowing the music to write itself - so to speak. I love how pure and even holy the whole process is.

You will never rest Until the stars burn out My day is done I love the sound of no one coming by Tomb beneath the trees The name unsung The darkness in the cracks I am not what you have waited for Trust Nothing is enough This hunting ground I need the freedom to control my own I need the sound of rain Wearing dependence down The line must be kept so thin To live near life Not within No need to take the rest Before the dark must shine Reflect my eyes And strip this creation of mine Tomorrow is so long The dead end king is here Black wings upon his back

Online jobs or working from home is a fairytale where I live. It's like trying to catch a ghost. No company offers such opportunities here, and especially not with the skills I have (don't have). There just does not seem to be a way around suffering and doing manual labour, until I save up and start working for myself. It's so hard to be at peace with that.

Well this is weird... My possibly future boss rescheduled the interview yet again, for Monday 8am. He lives in another city and said that he's busy and could not make it. I don't know... something smells funny about this. Do I really want to work for a guy like this? Would my paychecks be delayed as well? On a more deeper level though, is this because I'm actually doing this against my inner truth? Because I don't believe in it? Everything inside me screams 'no' and resists working some random job, for some random company. I am literally forcing myself, because I see no other option. I don't know what to think... This job seemed like the least tortuous option among all other options that I currently have. I know I could get a job in a restaurant/hotel right away, but it would be like walking into fire. I don't want to do that shit anymore. It's crushing my spirit. I'm so pissed at this whole job and money stuff right now. I spent more than half of my life perfecting a skill that I can wipe my ass with now. It's completely useless. Music cannot support me, yet I live for music. Besides that, the only thing that I excel at is communication and serving people poison. I must find a way. There must be a way. This shit is getting ridiculous. I'm giving this job another chance on Monday, if the guy doesn't show up, I'm scratching that option and reorienting.

@Faith Nice. Glad you made it. I never really 'loved' smoking that much, or at all. It's just something I picked up when I started working... It was nice to have that 5min cigarette break here and there. But I remember wanting to quit pretty much ever since I started smoking. I absolutely loved smoking weed though. And I might smoke some more in the future. Right now though, it's not a smart choice. Mainly from a financial standpoint. But yeah, I really don't like tobacco, yet I keep doing it. It's just a nasty habit, that's all. Planning to quit cold turkey too, as soon as I sort my life out a bit. Thanks for the motivation.

Job interview delayed till tomorrow 8am. The boss could not make it today.

Ok. Let's travel back in time a decade or so, and talk some music. Particularly, I want to focus on the period between the age 15 to 22. I feel like it should do me good. This will be a long ass post haha! Lots of stuff went down. A lot to love. So I'm 15, just moved from Serbia to Slovenia. I barely spoke the language, had no friends there and barely spoke to my mother. I was bitter, angry and depressed. But I had one thing to hold onto. Music. All I could think of was getting into a band. It was like my life depended on it. Prior to moving, I played in no bands, but was practicing and writing my own songs like a lunatic, day and night, since I was 11 or so. I knew I was outstandingly good at guitar for my age, so I had no doubt in my mind that I'd get into a band. I just had to find the right one. I started searching online, and without doing much background research, I ended up contacting one of the biggest and most respected trash metal bends in Slovenia at that time, called 'Negligence' - which makes a lot of sense in retrospect haha! They were looking for a new lead guitarist. I had no idea how long these guys were around already and how successful they were. I landed an audition and my mind was blown right away. As soon as I entered the studio I understood that this band is no joke. It was super fancy and cool. Everyone in the band was twice my age and older, except the singer, who was in his late twenties. They were super surprised by how quickly I was picking up on the material and how good we sounded together. The only concern was, of course, my age. I just started attending high school and these guys were touring frequently all across Europe. It was difficult to decide on the spot, so we agreed that they were going to contact me soon. I took that as a 'no' I guess, and ended up searching for a new band. I came across 'Eliminator' and quickly landed another audition. These guys were also good and also had a name on the scene already, but they were nowhere near as big or as serious as Negligence was. They were also a bit younger - in their early twenties. Except the drummer, who was also new and exactly my age. We ended up having a huge party on the day of my audition and I was pretty much hooked right away. It was exactly what I was looking for. Music, parties, friends, fans, recognition... It was great. A week or two after that, the lead singer of the first band, Negligence, contacted me and said that they've decided to give me the 'job'. I could not believe it. It was unreal. But, I was already in another band and kinda got attached to them haha! We bonded really fast and hard. So I ended up saying 'no' and went on to be known as the kid who rejected the biggest band on the scene haha! Some regret about that, but also, not really. Me and my new family, my new brothers, were having the time of our lives. Playing shows, festivals, partying, hanging out, writing new material. It was heaven. Everything I dreamed of, ever since I picked up the guitar. The band was based in a city that was 400km away from where I lived at that time. Every Friday I used to take a train and travel 4 hours just to get there. I would sleep at my bandmates houses or at our rehearsal place and travel back every Sunday/Monday, to go to school. Everyone was blown away by the will, the passion and commitment I had. I ended up earning quite some respect and building a reputation fast. However, after two years or so, the band started falling apart. We all wanted to go in different directions and we could not really agree on anything. The band lost its heart - so to speak. When they decided to kick out our drummer, who I was very close with, it just didn't feel right anymore to me. We tried to carry on with a new drummer for a short while, but it didn't work out. Soon enough the band fell apart completely. The lead singer ended up selling all our studio equipment, took all our band money and disappeared. He was alway super egocentric, but this was really a dick move. None of us expect it. I was kinda hurt and lost again. And even though I was always one of the brightest kids in the classroom, I did not care about school and I ended up sleeping through pretty much all classes, daydreaming and thinking about my next move. I was 17 then and met a girl that I ended up being in a relationship with for a bit over two years. Ahh, yes... High school love. Nice times. I kinda forgot about bands for a little while, but then one day, I was contacted by my drummer from our recently fallen apart band. He was now in a new band and wanted me in it. I was hesitant at first, but I ended up playing as a guest on one of their shows and I was hooked again haha! The band was called 'Hanged Alice'. I did not vibe too much with the name, but the music was cool. Much heavier and more progressive than what we played before. Long story short, things were going great for a while, we recorded an EP, played a few shows, etc. I wrote pretty much all our riffs and lyrics. After some time, there was another hiatus between the drummer and the other two members, and they wanted to kick him out, yet again. This was all happening while I was 400km away, not knowing anything. After they kicked the drummer out, they begged me to stay with them, but idk... something did not feel right for me again. So I quit. Started focusing on my solo projects and pretty much declared that I'm done with playing with bands. It was just too tough to manage and navigate. Tougher than being in a romantic relationship haha! I released my first solo EP when I was 18. Sold barely a few copies, but man, I was so proud of that material. It's completely lost now though. I don't have a copy of my first music ever released haha! I don't have it saved anywhere, it's not online, it's nowhere to be found. Completely vanished. Don't know how that happened. Would love to get my hands on it one day. Right before I turned 19, things started becoming more serious in my solo musical endeavors. My new project was called 'Backward Progression'. It was unlike anything I ever did before. Right away it started attracting quite some attention. To this day I am super proud of all that material. But something was not quite there for me, even back then. Something was missing. I jumped on the whole 'djent' bandwagon that was starting to be super popular on the scene and my music was not all that unique. It was crazy, cool and fun, but not too original. So I ended abandoning the most promising project I had going on up until then, and dived deep into writing new material. Yet another project, called 'Porcelain Safe', that ended up being the catalyst for my greatest awakening yet. I put my heart and soul into this project. In retrospect, it was very much about dealing with trauma, inner child, the shadow... all that biz. And the theme was 'waking up'. I was in love with every single note of that album. 3+ years it was in the making. Countless sleepless nights. Blood sweat and tears. Awakening started hitting pretty hard too, around that time. It was super challenging yet super fun. I just ended my second 2+ year relationship with my then girlfriend. Quit my day job and decide to move to Portugal and dedicate myself fully to music - finally, after all those years. It was super scary, I had no real plan. But it also felt so damn right. So that's exactly what I did. I was 22, barely had any money in my pockets, in a new place yet again, knowing literally one person in the entire country. But my heart was wide open. I was on an adventure. I've never been that excited, and felt that aligned and alive, ever before. My plan was to finish the final stages of mixing and mastering there, and release the album in Portugal. I quickly connected with some amazing people who wanted to help me out in realizing my vision. Things were going great for a while. Magically, even. But then, I fell in love again, with a girl who would end up separating me from music for a long while. Even though I did it all willingly, she definitely planted the seeds in my mind - so to speak. I sold everything I had, all of my equipment, my guitars -and with it, my soul as well. We needed the money to travel and support ourselves. I did all that because I was so blindly in love with this girl. It was unspeakable. I believed that somehow things were going to work out just fine and I'll be back on track in no time. Little did I know... the hell I was walking into. I ended up ruining the whole production of the album, in all that madness. I failed to promote and market it, and quite frankly, I just lost will. My attention was entirely shifted onto and absorbed by that relationship. There was no space or time for anything else. That was the last full project of mine that barely saw daylight. Been picking myself back up, ever since that nightmare of a relationship ended. Finally working on new music now again, but it's going to take some more time before it gets out there. Fucking hell man. Haha! What a ride... What a journey... I'm only getting started though.

Talked for solid 30 minutes with my grandmother about trauma, psychological disorders and all that stuff. The focus of the conversation was my mother. We are both worried about her. That we have in common. Grandma has her own issues, beside alcoholism - as I mentioned before. But she's far more receptive and able to listen than my mother. She's actually interested in understanding your point of view - or so it seems. My mother does not have the space or the clarity for that. Grandma agreed that therapy would be a good step for my mom, but we both know there's barely any chance she'd listen to us or accept any help. It's so sad. My mother is caught in this viscous self destructive spiral, and no one seems to be able to reach her. All we can do is watch. I may try and talk to her during my stay here, and 'plant some seeds' in her mind. At least that way she'll have a light at the end of the tunnel, if she ever realizes it has gotten too dark and she needs to get help. Other than that, I really don't see what I could do. I cannot be her therapist. I have enough of my own shit going on, and also, there's too much shit between us to be able to communicate clearly. It got heavy on the heart for a moment again, but I'm keeping my head above the water. I really can't do much here. May God watch over her. May she find her way out. Grandma too.

Give me just one moment Through the eyes of the one in A picture perfect moment In the life of the one who is Something better, more than Anything I will ever be Give me just one second Just to touch what I'll never own Let me count those feelings Of love that I will never share Show me your compassion In the dark of this world I would give it all For one taste of it Of everything I would give it all To become you Well I finally found out That this world This whole worlds a lie And I'll try I would give it all to become you

The only real addiction that's left in my life is smoking tobacco. I eliminated all else. I quit smoking weed, I rarely ever drink alcohol, I don't even drink coffee - and if I do, it's caffeine free. I don't party, don't binge watch shows, don't play games, nothing. My diet is not too bad, but I could definitely introduce a bit more fruits and vegetables into my meals. I drink quite a lot of water. I absolutely love water. I do masturbate frequently and watch some light porn - usually cam/striptease only. I don't think that's too big of a problem for now though. I am a single guy in his mid/late twenties, it's no big deal. Once I start dating again, things might change. The only real 'problem' is tobacco. Besides being harmful to my body, it's also really nasty, it stinks and it's lame. I've switched from cigarettes to rolling tobacco quite some time ago, mainly because it's cheaper and I also smoke a lot less that way. But still, it has to go. I've been wanting to quit for a long while now and I keep delaying it. I know I'm smoking to 'manage stress' and have a little break from life here and there. But it's doing more harm than good, for sure. I just really, really don't want to go through those withdrawals now, on top of everything. I feel like I'd go crazy. My plan is to ground myself a bit more where I am, establish a nice routine, a nice tempo, and then kick tobacco for good.

Reap the day You're left with regret Sleep your way, you're free Render a purpose to be at ease Find out who you want to be Restless Compress the day Suffer and pray you will be Restless Prepare to win Beware the sin you will see Be aware of your own self-destruction Keep it out of your head The revelation The beacon of truth I would have lived to be dead Sitting down with a hollow heart Paradoxical breath tomorrow Dynamic living to feel joy You must embrace the sorrow

Signing into a gym one of these days. Committing to a bulking diet, approximately 3165 calories per day, which is roughly a thousand calories more than I've been eating lately. Not going to be too gentle with myself here, aiming to gain 15 to 20kgs as fast as possible and then cut. Committing to a high frequency, full body workout, 5x in a week. Not splitting muscle groups throughout the week mainly for body-awareness purposes, but also because I think targeting the whole body should accelerate the overall growth process. Though I might experiment with all that as I go. My first goal is to be around 80kgs, and the second one around 90kgs, 10% body fat.