MazE

@Mandy smoking is an addiction. I smoke to get nicotine. The movement of smoking is psychologically addictive. I'm using what is cheap but this is not the reason i continue smoking. @Phil you helped a lot thank you. As for the thread i asked a question and then i made it about me. I am working to make things less about me.

@Phil But before the emotional suppression releases, the mind could use some clarity. So start (imo) with that five minutes. Today. Tomorrow, six. I will. I don't really understand what you mean. I don't believe that's me. Even in the ego sense that was never me.

@Mandy this analogy was amazing. That's a great way to think about it. Some automatic thought patterns and behaviors are what i need to work on. My body reaches for a cigarette by default. To stop this from happening it's like trying to swim upstream. Of course i'm not in the now and that's the cause of the problem. Actually in the now there is never a problem but my default is creating problems. I won't do it but i get it. It's a great suggestion. Maybe in the future. Me learning about music produces the same feeling. @Phil i do create all this but it's not conscious. I do use the exhaustion from work as an excuse as to why i can't stop my automatic behaviors. It's true to some extent. Still an excuse but just harder in comparison to others that don't have such a job. Yeah i can see it. It all starts from my thoughts.

@Mandy never mind. You are right. I like to complain. The flowers in my room are the songs that i am becoming better at making. This too will pass. I'm obviously here asking questions because i really struggle to continue this survival fight. I appreciate everyone's help. My dark days are long gone. I'm fine but i abuse my body with this work and with smoking.

I don't agree. No matter how much i focus on what i love doesn't change the fact that i'm like an actual slave. I have tons of energy and i use even the last drop at work. I don't have a choice. I must endure this too until i can change things. I actively destroy my health for a long time now. Everything does it's best to keep me down. Governments, laws, schools, parents, money, health, people. Words are nice but they don't help. I'm still sane which is good but what i'm living is not life. I have passions, i don't watch tv, i don't complain about the weather or my coworkers, i like the forest especially when it's raining, i'm the definition of not trying to fit in, i do need sleep, i know what wakefulness is like, i love art, i'm an empath, i do judge them because they suck, i don't judge me because it's just not my fault, my work is asap, life is precious but i'm trapped in a boring grind and i wither away while blossoming.

@Mandyi don't think that i ever met an awakened person in everyday life. Everyone is caught up in stories. It takes courage to let love shine in dysfunctional environments and be so much different than what is considered normal, by recognizing the sameness. But these are nothing but thoughts. My now is physical exhaustion from work. Most of the time i feel exhausted. To stop feeling exhausted i need to replace my job with something else. To do this i need energy which i don't have. Whatever the situation it's still always now... I tend to give more attention to the thought patterns than the actual now. tire (v.1) "to weary," also "to become weary," Old English teorian (Kentish tiorian) "to fail, cease; become weary; make weary, exhaust," of uncertain origin; according to Watkins possibly from Proto-Germanic *teuzon, from a suffixed form of PIE root *deu- (1) "to lack, be wanting." So i lack energy and i want it... Maybe by saying that i'm tired i focus on the lack of energy instead on what i want which is plenty of energy. Words sure are sneaky...

@Mandy i learned something from this thank you. It seems that there is value in inspecting the words i'm using. I also clicked your youtube link and watched the last video where you explained what care means. You have a really nice channel and energy. I want to feel this good too.

@Mandy that's it then? Does everything fall into place? I see. Living a bit too much in the past and future it seems. Is there really nothing else to add?

All opinions are welcomed especially the unpredictable ones.

I haven't watched this episode but if you are going to find an answer it will be in this video. @fopylo

@Phil this is great i will give it a try. Just to make sure i get this right do i fill only the belly with air? Not the ribs, chest etc? @Loop i don't disagree. It's just that i think it's better to consciously take bigger breaths otherwise i won't have many. I can't be so relaxed at work for example.

I'm a bit confused about what diaphragmatic breathing is. Is it the best way to breathe in every moment? What do i do?

I finished reading it and now I'm happy without a reason 😅 Cool stuff! Even if i try to become negative i can't anymore... Because i know that the scale is there waiting. I will continue looking at it. I was stuck in an emotion loop with a negative attitude. From hopefulness and beyond this starts to change. I want to stay happy without a reason and infect them with this virus. I'm not suddenly super happy as it might appear, there was just a subtle realizing that my attitude was a cause of suffering.

@Phil @Phil Today i read and looked at the scale at work and before taking a 6 hours nap. I inspected emotions from the bottom up. I do have some traces left in the black and gray areas but it's so little that i believe is normal. I used to be stuck there but the last year or 2 i went up. It was very surprising to see that jealousy can be actually used. I wouldn't say that i feel jealous of others but today i used it as a way to start focusing on what i want. I couldn't find any hatred or rage... It seems that i'm over that stage too. It seems that the last 2 years i was moving up the scale. At anger i felt the swift of thought to determination to do what i want. I'm not so angry... At blame it was interesting. I used to blame enough and still do it sometimes but today i couldn't really blame. It's nobody's fault. It's just how it is. The government? It's just how it is. My parents? It is how it is. Who's at fault? Their parents? There is no point to blaming it gets silly. I went through overwhelment last year. It's not really what i feel. Not until pessimism i started to actually feel the actual feel in the body. But now i know... Then i read about boredom and it's clear to me that this is where i am. I avoid boredom but i should embrace boredom. I never really tried to practice with the emotional scale before. I overlooked the value of this tool. I will continue practicing to practice this in the moment. I'm really grateful for your post thank you.

I assumed that it would but i can see that you are right. I would be the same probably just with more money and freedom. The thing is that i would be able to sleep enough. Changing the beliefs would be easier if i had room to breath. I sleep some days too little and i abuse coffee and tobacco or eat unhealthy. The challenge is to change my beliefs enough to stop doing these things. I can't continue abusing my body like this but it's my automatic response to deal with stress, and trauma and the current lifestyle. It's not really that i don't know what i should be doing... I know exactly the steps i need to take to go where i want or at least i'm always confident that i can figure them out. I just can't take the actual steps... My emotions are too strong. Or maybe i should work with the emotional scale like you mentioned but this is deep rooted. It's the result of multiple traumas that i healed a great deal but still an attitude of apathy remains. In the good old days many years ago until 17-18 i was an example of passion. I was an example for others and my work ethic was very good. That self is gone. 10-15 years of traumas collection and i must say that i hold up really good. Except that this holding up is self harm. I need to get free of this. I can't keep smoking, i can't keep procrastinating and just be a fucking robot. Of course all this is just my interpretation... You see i am able to go a level above and see my own interpretation if i really want to. The problem is that i can't handle the emotional discomfort to take the right actions. I'm not the only one i'm sure but if i am going to face these emotions i'm releasing a huge beast. I might start hitting things or maybe not but i'm not sure if i can work while doing this. Or maybe i can! I just wasn't successful thus far or didn't even try enough because i'm stuck in a state of apathy that years go by and the good times don't come back in an environment that i don't like. What is the best way to do that? The analogy with the fertile soil was very helpful, thank you. I need to take action. How do i take action? I need to handle the discomfort and whatever emotion arises while continuing to take the right actions. I need to physically move the body to take actions and stop the body before doing harmful things like smoking. What is the best way to do that? Fertile soil or fighting to the death with willpower? I would prefer the first one but if the soil doesn't become fertile enough fast i need to take the second route to actually change something or fail, or the third one that is to stay where i am, where trees can't grow that is the worst option. And i guess what i wrote above was about motives. What is the best practice that can help to stop smoking?

Never mind. I'm quitting complaining cold turkey.

@Mandy you don't understand. I'm a human robot. I have a very physically difficult job that pays good. My hobbies are not compatible for monetization. I can't leave my job because people depend on me. Money is not the problem. I will make enough of it. The problem is the possitive attitude that i don't have and the desire to push harder even though it's already too much for me.

It's because i'm really tired from work and from life. Like dead tired. I simply survive and to get out of this situation i need to work hard even though it is so hard already. I have the thoughts that others just have it better than me but of course someone could always say it could be a lot worse. I'm not depressed, in my core i'm fine but at the same time to maintain this lifestyle that i can't really avoid i destroy my health. As a result i act negatively sometimes. Any idea on how to turn this around? I really need motivation or rather inspiration but i can't find it.

Damn! You didn't hold back on this one Phil! This verse was dope. You did hold back on this one Phil. This verse was wack. Mind blown from this exercise. Thank you!

@Faith As apparently real as the waking state... I think i get it now... your post was amazing thank you.

@Phil i write songs. I don't write songs. Songs write themselves. Emotions are what hook the listener. I didn't ask a question i started writing a song in the form of a forum question. Then the song started writing itself. I have a linux soul and most people have windows 95 or something. Then the hardware will rust but i will get installed as the next version of the operating system in a custom made fancy pc with rgb lights. My life might suck right now but i'm a fly that enjoys swimming in the toilet water. So nice. Why should i take it personal? I should take it personal though. It's not funny. I'm not aligned. I self destruct slowly. I chain smoke. I will win you know. Here, i derailed it a bit more. Just a fly making noice when it's time to sleep.

@Indisguise i would probably put them on my pizza.

I was vegan for a year. It was for the animals. I wanted to see if it's healthy too. It wasn't for me. I feel a lot better eating everything. It was a good experience though. I learned to enjoy healthy foods more and realized how dependent we are to animal foods. It's possible to survive as a vegan but it's a hard road. Not one that i'm willing to walk again even if this is selfish. Most of us are hypocrites. I don't think that i would be able to kill an animal to eat it unless it was do or die but here i am buying that chicken that someone else killed because taste, health and comfort are more important to me.

Make a huge list with the to-dos that are all the next small steps to solve all your problems. You will find out that many things on this list are pretty easy to do. Start with them and cross them off. Enjoy becoming more in control.