MazE

By being i mean cessation. If there is now or not is not important. Having 25 awakenings and counting is not cessation either. The first point was that meditation is most often looked at like lifting weights. I sit, i lift, i get stronger and someday i will bench press 200kg like few that are lifting for 20 years can, or i will take steroids to go there faster. Then i'll win a metal and show it to others. The second point is that everyday life can be used as meditation. To sit and meditate is not necessary after a point because you could do anything else and meditate. You could sit and meditate for enjoyment of course. Ok i'm a bit curious about what you mean there is no now. Yes the thought of now is useless. The thought of there is no now is also useless. But it is now though.

The problem with meditation is that is though like something that you do. You do meditation to just be but you are always being. Of course you can practice meditation for an X time everyday and enjoy it and nothing wrong with that but the idea that you should meditate for 20 years to reach something is imo very stupid. The goal of meditation is for it to transition to everyday life. Someone can start with sitting meditation but then what is stopping you to meditate while you wash the dishes or when you work or walk or talk with others or when someone is screaming at you. It's always now after all. To sit for 20' and meditate implies that when the 20' are over you are done for the day and stop. I'm not saying there are no benefits but if someone ever realizes to their core that there is only ever now then you can't meditate for 20'. You can only meditate now which is always.

So the key is in the good feeling and that it is already the case. Thanks

How do i formulate my desires? For example let's say i want a clean house that everything is in order. Do i write my house is clean and in order like an affirmation or do i write i want a clean house that everything is in order? Or just clean house and in order?

And the coffee was so enjoyable as i imagined it to be. You really helped me here guys. I have a different approach now. Thank you 🙏

I don't really have a choice about coffee. Seriously it's between coffee or cocaine or job doesn't get done. I'm going with coffee.

@Mandy that's why I'm also selling my car 😉 1/3 of my stress will go away. I was never interested about cars, i don't like driving, i don't like being a responsible driver, there is no energy or motivation or anything to become a better driver. I just hate it. Maybe in the future. I don't drive anyway because i'm so tired and it would be dangerous. I only bought it because i should. Well guess what i shouldn't because i don't want to. I have more important stuff to focus on and a car doesn't deserve a place in my list to get stressed about.

@Phil it's ironic reading this while i unpack my new coffee machine that i bought for my well being... I'm going to sleep and when i wake up i'll make an amazing coffee to get ready for work. Best i can do is reduce it.

@Phil Much appreciated. I will continue reading this. I can agree that self love is what i need. You know i don't care so much what others think about this son of a bitch. I do but much less compared to everyone else. I certainly am compassionate to myself because i know what i went through. I was born into toxicity and inhaled it all my life. I can't possibly be the same as others that didn't have to experience all this. This chain of toxicity goes to the past. All i can do is to stop this bs. I have no idea why i act like i hate myself even though i like me. Obviously the me and my story is the problem. I realize that i can feel great while everyone around me feels awful. The i shouldn't thought is stupid. I can't change my environment at the moment so it's either that or also feel bad to keep them company.

It turns out that i was just too tired and when i'm so tired i fall into this bad emotions spiral. Small actions. Everything's fine. One day i'm feeling so bad and the other day so good.

@Phil You are very right. I never noticed it but i believe you are on point. It seems that i have this pact going on. Thank you that was eye opening. I'm going to stop talking now. Thank you very much for your time and insights. Hopefully it will click.

How do i stop doing that? Because seriously i can't stop abusing that dog.

@Phil thank you. I will be taking some steps. I prefer to be blissfully tired than frustrated tired.

I decided to read these books again. That is the solution. I've had enough once again.

My energy outlet is coffee, cigarettes and beer. I do have an expressive outlet. What about that guy me? I didn't understand what you mean there. None of this money is spent on well being. I may buy something i want here or there but i don't want anything else than getting away from here. I don't even want to go on vacations even if i need it. Fucking obstacles there too! There is no point i will get back here after a week or two and this loop will continue and become even more painfully aware of what i don't have. I don't have a drive to do anything this is what i mean by numbness. I do stuff but half heartetly. Your answers are great but i don't know how to get unstuck. I may have 15 years of bottled up anger. I have a big collection of traumas and is constantly sucking half of my joy in the background like startup apps on a pc are sucking ram. I do know that it can dropped just like that. If i know that i can drop it and also know how to do it then why don't i? It's very challenging while being so tired and also it seems that i avoid facing the emotions head on.

Then it seems that money is not the cause of happiness. The lack of it can cause unhappiness though. For some people spending time running after riches is what makes them happy. This Gary Vee guy comes to mind. Who is really to say if they waste their lives and their chance of welfare and happiness. We all do or at least want to do what we believe is best. My best might be different than your best. Intuition can show what is best in every moment. Or conditioning can trap you in something which is thought as best. For example your parents from a young age could brainwash you to become one of the best brain surgeons. Maybe you hate this career but you walk this path of becoming one of the best brain surgeons because you are conditioned to believe that this is what you should be doing. Maybe the people that chase riches think that this is what they should be doing. They might not even like it. Money is not the root of all devils. There are no devils. There is just ego doing ego stuff. Rich and poor is relative. There was this American show i think it's called sweet 16. 16 year old girls throw very rich parties and they get a car from their parents. There was this spoiled girl that for example got a Ferrari instead of a Lamborghini and she was devastated and went crazy. I have no idea what car she wanted and what she got but both were very expensive. At that moment she felt very poor i'm sure. You are already filthy rich compared to some kids in Africa. Where you are born is luck. To perceive whether you are poor or rich is a choice. A matter of seeing the glass half full or half empty. There is no good or bad there just is what is. But to answer this i would say that rich people don't appreciate things easily and poor people have many disadvantages and have a harder life. Maybe the poor can grow as a person because of that or maybe his lack of money becomes a game over for example children in Africa. Someone rich could be spoiled and remain that way and never find a deeper meaning. Maybe he loses all his money one day and then he commits suicide. Or maybe he uses the money he was lucky enough to have to grow and to help others less lucky. My preference would be someone poor that became rich just because he would have the whole range of experience. I don't understand what you mean.

@Someone here material stuff like the most expensive phone or the nicest car or a villa are not important no. What's important is the freedom to unfold as a person. When you work all day everyday and you don't even have enough to pay the bills as an example and you continue doing this until you are dead can you see then how important money is? There are different degrees of this of course. Maybe someone likes his job. That's fine. Most of the people do something they hate for 45 years and before they know it they are old and their life is pissed away. Anyone that says money is not important is full of shit or has enough already like Kim Cardasian saying just work hard. No showing off and basing your value on money is not important. Money is important to unfold to your full extend as a person and to not be a slave. Of course it's a prerequisite to think like that about money. One one hand you can use it to help others and to develop or on the other hand you could become cocky and just addicted to buying new stuff that fail to complete you. It depends on the person.

@Phil i don't have words man. Thank you for taking the time to explain all this. This sounds very true. Exactly what i needed to hear. When i read the appreciation of the government part i immediately felt disagreement and defensiveness. I think that i do get the point though. It's not that there are no things to appreciate. I tend to focus on what's not right. The corruption, the inequality and unfairness, the stupid laws and especially the things that put a brake to my freedom to act as i want to. Things that in other countries are common sense. If i was in the usa i would focus on how stupid it is for the government to just let you die if you don't have insurance or that in many places everyone has a gun and school shootings is an everyday thing. As a European these stuff sound crazy to me. I believe your point was to focus on what i do appreciate. The emotion that comes up is this anger. I could focus more on what i do appreciate. I do appreciate that not everybody carries a gun and that the government doesn't let me die. Ok i immediately felt better but i also feel this anger for the americans that actually experience these things. Or that in saudi arabia gay people get a death sentence. I can't help it but focus on what is not right. It seems that it is a bad habit. I've discovered a kind of cheat many years ago as i was reading the science of getting rich. Practicing gratitude as often as possible. I did it in the past. It felt amazing. I was up to my ears all the time. Also reading just a bit of Eckhart Tolle is extremely effective to just be. I just don't do it. I've connected it somehow to traumatic experiences that got me out of that place and i need to break this subconscious connection. I'm in a way afraid to completely just be. I have the memory of the experience and it's not something that i can forget. So those are the 2 steps that i know will work. What's left is the vision stuff. I have all the right actions mapped out for everything. How do i walk that vision? You said that it's unfolding already. Well not really or not as fast as i want it. How do i become one with that vision of what i want? Is it visualization? A dreamboard is not the answer that will help. I do have one just in the form of an app in my phone. I look at it everyday.

How do i do that? I know exactly what you mean. This is how i survived the most stressful period of my life so far. I was completely focused in the now while working. On every movement and sensation. This is how i stayed sane. How do i get aligned? By patience i also mean that i am physically exhausted. I do what i can to improve it but this is how this job is and i have to work with that. It was much easier to be aligned when i didn't have this job but now i have it because i chose to. I smiled at this. That's a great approach. Honestly i appreciate you people. It's not so much the things you say but how you say it. It's healing and refreshing to not sense any hidden attacks or defensiveness or ego bs. And what i just said is my own ego bs. The main cause of not being so aligned is physical exhaustion. Leaving my job is not an option. I actually had the option to do a very easy job but i chose to stay where i am because the money i earn is needed to go where i want to be. I smoke too much. I drink too much coffee. My sleeping schedule must change every week and i often can't sleep. Now i work at night. I don't eat very healthy. I don't sit down to learn the things i want neither i have energy for my hobbies. I am always trying to improve on all these areas. I start but then i am too tired to continue doing the right things and i'm on this loop. How do i stop this loop other than quitting this job? Because as i said this is not an option. Hell i'm earning good but everything is more expensive now and that which i earn is not what it used to be. Money goes away fast.

@Phil you are right. The only reason i have this approach is because i need results and i believe that it can help with that. Maybe this isn't true but i'm still not sure.

@Mandy thank you. You are amazing. I want to have people like you in my life. Never found one. Everyone around me is just damaged. I'm tired of people. The only option i guess is to be what i want to see in others.

@Faith i did choose it but only as a means to do something else. No i don't fall into that category. I want to enjoy life. This is not enjoying life. This is a road to grind till i'm dead with no energy to do and experience the things i want.

@Faith i have far better conditions but it's not really easier. This sucks. I can't accept this kind of living and i also can't understand the people that do accept it. This kind of jobs can give you security but as i found out security doesn't really exist. I don't want it either. I wasn't born to spend more than half of my life in factories. I am not negotiating this. Am i supposed to feel lucky? I am just a number. I can understand it. If you have a family and need to earn money you stay there. Your husband does what he must and this is respectable. I wouldn't last 2 years with 60h workweeks. This is just too much. People are there for 35 years and i'm like how. I would go crazy and many of them already are. This post wasn't about complaining though. Everything is fine. I just need to get serious and work on other things on the side but i keep procrastinating. I start and then i stop. Tiredness is an excuse but i'm tired of excuses.

@Faith It's not like that. I'm a factory worker. My job is very demanding and a few people can actually do something like this. I earn good money i can't complain. I do this just to be able to walk away as you said. I went through so much already that nothing can really affect me. I'm not depressed or anything like that. I'm impatient. I have a plan. I need to walk my plan for 2 years and then i will be free at least financially. I need to deal with a lot of bureaucracy. I will change country. I need to leave my family here and have enough money to support them as i take my shot. I need to have a productive routine for the next year or 2 no matter how tired i am or how difficult it is. It's not that I don't know what i need to do. What i need to do involves a lot of emotionaly uncomfortable actions i need to take. Even if i am dead tired from my job i need to take them. How do i stay focused on my goal? If i don't take action things will just remain the same and this certainly isn't a life that i want to continue living for 40 more years.

I just can't anymore. I mean i can but my apathy grows every day. I am becoming numb. It's not my desire to bring my baggage in here or in any community. But i'm fucking tired. I'm very angry and very apathetic at the same time. It's like i am receiving an uppercut every single day and all i can ever do is to be patient and push through. It's unfair. Actually i am proud of how good i managed to stay sane and well relatively to what i went through. I am in a cage. I try to escape only to find another cage. I don't accept this. 10 years of my life in the 🗑️ just because i was born poor. It's not that i didn't do my best. I accomplished stuff. A good paycheck is what i accomplished. The cost is my life. Believe me i can become rich. But of course i have a 1000 obstacles in front of me. For 1-2 years i need to stay concentrated while receiving uppercuts, learn and work on stuff, stay healthy, do stuff that are emotionally difficult and balance many things. I have family to worry about. Not my own family lol. 2022. If i was born 20 years earlier i would probably have this. People don't understand how good they have it. They have no idea what i went through. At the same time this is true for me too if i compare it with much worse situations. Honestly i don't know why i wrote this here. All i ever do is man up and be patient. For how long will i be able to continue doing this? I will either do what it takes which will be extremely difficult or i will accept the fate of a work slave. Better thoughts and living in the now are good. I understand. My reality is that i work to exhaustion every day. That i don't have a social life. That everyone around me is depressed. That i hate governments and how much they control my freedom. How can i stay focused in my vision with all that going on?