Nadosa

@Phil I really take interest in myself, as in, let's say doing the things I love: drummin', singing, songwriting, for 3 years I hit the gym, results are clear, I love cooking, taking my friends for a trip, being open to new people, and in all aspects I seem to come off as a pretty likeable dude (as far as others show me this in their actions) - as far as job goes, I just feel doubt about where to go, what to do, taking risks, as for example studying. Ive been talking to you about studying and becoming a doc 2 years ago, but seeing the docs in my hospital just really doesnt resonate with my plan to have a creative career in a way too. I don't want to spend my life studying in a bib just to forget everything 7 years later lol. O.c. that's not really it, but Ive talked to many docs, and chefs, and they told me it's rather not possible to be a doc and musician at the same time lol. The musical lifestyle seems cool for let's say...20-40s, but after that, if you don't pop...meeh I let this thought go. I quit my job some days ago for a better-paid work, but I don't know what the hell diverted me there...I sacrificed a lot of advantages, for example, I just took my bike and I am at my old working place in less than 5mins... My new employer will be able to employ me in hospitals within a radius of 50kms for a specific period of time, which will take more time off from what I usually spend most time in - playing music. But I thought, working less for the same salary or more would be a good idea, I'll meet new challenges, new people...

Whose then? Or do you mean they are just thoughts.

Two weeks ago, I wrote some new points on the dreamboard, for example, meeting new people, connecting, socializing, especially new girls. So far I approached two girls during my day-routine, and I met both and we had a good time. But actually there are beliefs triggered at least 2-3 times. When they talked about spending a year abroad soon, I felt disappoinment and jealousy for their courage, but also because this meant that they are maybe not even interested in any romantic "relationship". I also feel insecurity - few years ago, I was more open about sexuality and didnt hesitate showing girls sexual interest. Sometimes maybe a bit too strong, which creeped some away...and some stayed. But today, I generally focus more on having a good time than "Well let's get touchy", because in the end, I am not soo confident when it's about Sex and stuff. So far, I feel disappoinment. The girls I am not interested in, seem to be attracted and the girls I am into...just dont really care. Maybe I should dispell the beliefs about me needing girls' attention and acknowledgement and stop seeking security in there. That's quite toxic. Because as long as the girl doesn't really Show 100% commitment, I feel insecurity and doubt.

True, working in a hospital, docs really don't address discord at all. We have vascular surgery here. Docs don't care about the discord patients feel which is one of the main causes why they suffer. Patients are left in thought stories about "what might happen, what did they really mean by that, and really really many "what if's"" Example: Patients have one of theirs toes removed, still suffer, go home, come back again - second toe removed - piece by piece, whereas they suffer from immense discord, projection, future "fear"...we call it the "salami technique". It's all just very superficial and profit-oriented. Although we provide spiritual welfare too, as it's a christian hospital.

Is resistance actual? Like there is a sensation, feeling to move away from This. Inspecting that This cannot be removed or move away from, releases tension. Spira said "No one can put happiness into you from the outside, suffering is our own doing", that somehow helped realizing that I can choose to move away or let's say how to deal with "impatience, boredom, irritation". Maybe that's acknowledging.

But initially focus is a premise, the will to defocus from thoughts and directly acknowledge what is present. Because sometimes, there is still a little intention of "ok let's sit down and acknowledge in order to FEEL better", but actually feeling better just works by feeling better. Today I tidied and cleaned up my apartment, it's like meditation too lol: if you put slight effort into "thinking it through", meaning starting to think about THE way, or HOW to start, which inevitably ends in rumination: "okay I MUST start now, but let's first get a coffee, or watch this video, and then I will take the broom, ohh no the bathroom, I hate it, I face it tomorrow, because TOMORROW is THE TIME". Lol. Just let it happen and embrace and make it comfortable, flawlessly.

I'm more awake than both of you together x 2.

Guidance is so instant like Meditation. Even the intention of meditating and sitting is too much of an effort.

astounding. I am sitting on a bench. And realizing, what if threw all this contextual bullshit away...the only thing that'd be left was instant and infinite potential. I can sense this potential and I'm feeling guilt referring rumination over This. Just some inspecting. Maybe rumination IS also just being...like clouds not separate from the sky. Thoughts seem to separate This into parts, even creating a second "nadosa", a nadosa whose life has nothing to do with This. A "nadosa" which seems to exist in a timeline, from a to b. This nadosa is so far away from This yet so close. Damn. This is hilarious.

Compulsive situations, for example checking if the door has locked, doubting memory etc. are really well known behaviors experienced. Using emotional guidance and meditation for "reality check", these behaviors stem from emotions of doubt and insecurity. Sometimes I just can't really release or let go and can literally spend a day observing the way I "recapitulate" specific situations thoughts arise about. That's the way it always goes and it's really hard to release the temptation. It also manifests in relationships for example. Maybe you have some advice.

Just for clarification: What's about this thread-thing at the moment? I mean, why do you put so much emphasis on it ?

Acknowledging - is not a doing, is it? Acknowledging is like noticing the already-isness of breathing, isn't it?

How does this work with the experience of not really experiencing others? In direct experience all there is, is you.

@PhilI am thinking about recording freestyle videos and production videos considering rap and lofi-vibe stuff. Just sharing the work flow and the creation flow, Not knowing what will come out. Thinking about this feels damn exciting. I love flowing and thats usually how my songs are created, step by step, verse by verse, whereas I am able to adapt the Beat to the vox and vice versa, todays possibilities to create music at home are endless...but there soo many people doing it...but Just half of them, not even..Sound shitty😂😅 but anyways...i'd need a camera, some other stuff too.

Could you just send me an example of this on yours? Via DM. It's difficult to understand. Thanks.

What about material stuff? For example for music, headphones, monitor speakers, rack interface...can I write this down too? Or does it have to have a specific order? Sorry for hijacking the thread.

I still dont get it. I have this board in front of my eyes on my wall. And the first thing I would write down would just be "I want to feel independently happy and free".

I exactly know and understand that meditation is a daily "need" as in "remembering" that I am already "meditating" and "not doing", maybe it's because I usually don't "do" regularly, but rather take 2-3 days off, and then one day I meditate 1-2hours, but I guess meditating regularly is better in the long run. Anyways I still don't really understand "how to express" and how exactly the scale has "to feel". So next time the story runs, I just say "I feel the emotion of guilt". For example, 2 hours ago, I've been out with my dad (he suggested buying a table, oiling it etc.), it was fun UNTIL I read your message and I've instantly felt the emotion of blame and guilt and I instantly felt "disconnected" from my dad, and kinda was "blacking out", staring into "a blank space" and felt insanely "tired", like the need to lay down and "escape" the discord (I guess that's impatience, irritation, pessimism, frustration), all because of not expressing the emotions? So, what should I have done differently? Instantly, the rumination started about different things, perspectives. Then I realized "oh why do I feel so off right now, hm I should've enjoyed the time with my dad more", and I felt guilt again.

A lot to take in. So summing it up: basically everything I felt and wrote down, everything considering my brother (which I refer to as a separate self, and the me, which has a relation to him) is just a story and I feel the story and not actually expressing discordant thoughts? Why do I feel blame towards you for pointing out that everything is just "my fault"?😂😅

@Mandy @Phil So I've finished everything so far. I've even built a wardrobe just by myself. Was quite fun actually! But several things were exposed during that time, the entire move, especially "how it would all appear in the end, to others, NOT to me". I would always make sure to ask friends, family, what they would think about this or that idea, if this or that would match the color of this or that furniture..I was very thoughtful about receiving confirmation from other people and letting everyone know about the way my apartment looks "on the outside", whilst feeling the emotion of insecurity on the inside. Since childhood, this has been a common theme, for example feeling ashamed of not having a huge room in my mom's apartment compared to my classmates big houses, etc., then one time I invited a classmate and he made fun about the size of my room. (first world problems...) I notice it in several areas in life, needing confirmation from the outside, even music. Just read my music threads. 😄 This morning, I got messaged by my brother, and as you know, family can trigger "problem-thinking". I am still quite cold-hearted when it's about the relation to my brother or at least I don't feel so good being around him. I don't know why, sometimes he's just too expressive, loud, restless, whereas I appreciate his helpfulness and love, but I am much more introverted and just different and whereas I need more time for myself, he seems to plunge into every relationship till the point he expects too much out of it and being sad when others don't meet his expectations. His message: "Phil, I had such a bad dream and the topic was the inside and outside. And because of your move, I may have noticed a little bit that it's much more important to you that in the end it makes an impression on the outside for others, but on the inside, you lived in chaos for a long time - that is, until everything was somewhat in shape. I don't want to attack you, but I want to invite us to have more exchanges with each other. I want you to be well too and I don't know why but a voice inside me keeps telling me to take care of you... I find it strange and defiant I have to tell you that now". Regarding this message I feel the emotions of insecurity, worry, doubt. I know this has been a problem for a long time now, and especially a family member I've had a long list of bad moments with telling me "what I feel insecure about", makes me feel the emotions of disappointment but also revenge. I want to show him and others that I don't need confirmation, but paradoxically wanting confirmation about not needing confirmation...and that would only be out of revenge (I don't want to be seen as the little, immature kid of the family) too and not truthfulness. Also the first reaction to my brother's "emotional approach" somehow creates resistance in me, or maybe the thoughts ABOUT the approach are discordant... Not only because of the points already mentioned, but I oftentimes feel emotionally blocked and "not like myself" being around him? Anyways, I just don't know how to go about the insecurity? What do you think about the situation? Why am I so vulnerable to my brother's statement?

But one can't really feel what others think?

So you mean, he thought he felt someone else's judgement but just felt the thoughts about someone jugding him?

That which I feel is thoughts. A situation or anything that happens has in fact and in actuality, in direct experience, without reference to a past, no meaning. So as always thoughts feel discordant. But tell me that during an argument and I will scream at you to shut up...😅

Thank you for the compassion! Really resonated. I dont know why it wouldn't be enough. As soon as someone close to me judges something I am insecure about or I feel the emotion of insecurity, it usually ends up in feeling unworthiness. Because I could have done this or that better, faster, cleaner...whatever. The thing is, I just take things a bit slower, for example painting the walls, I let it try 2-3 times due to details and layers. Inbetween the usual tasks I spend most of the time just walking in nature and doing sports. So that's where I probably "waste" the most time, which for me is just quality time. But I take that as reasoning for not cleaning up already and rather take the time for walking or Meditation. Maybe that's justification for laziness? @Phil @Mandy I guess wrapping it up in one question: what can I do in acute situations, when there is extreme discord or conditioning? The usual first-knee response is resistance leading to physical isolation, or just not being able to look anyone in the eye, seems like a protection mechanism. Should I just open up? Should I just tell everyone to leave? As for right now: I feel mentally drained, maybe just the emotions of unworthiness...still thoughts, self-referential questioning...wow Even self-referential thoughts about that I just dont deserve to feel the emotions of freedom because in the end I am not worthy of it because I didnt work as hard as I could have.