Nadosa

So week two. Procrastination is real. What I was able to make was: building a shelf at the end of my bed in order to split the room in half. First time using a saw for wood and I felt the emotions of insecurity and jealousy, because my brother was already good at it and I felt the emotion of overwhelment. But at the end, I felt the emotions of happiness and freedom and I felt constantly relieved in interactions, especially socially, with girls, for example, because being creative started to really flourish and show up in Energy Levels too. Besides releasing heavy conditioning: my dad is a man who always keeps things simple and usually isn't very supportive considering creative things...the first sentence he said considering the shelf: Just buy one, otherwise I dont want to have to do anything with it. My brother was supportive all the way, but in the end he gave all the input because he already had experience in building stuff. I felt like actually I didnt do anything at all...I felt the emotions of unworthiness. Because I had no idea how to connect two wooden boards in an 90° ankle..of course my brother kinda loves me so much that he told me "man I love your shelf and your work ..." whilst I knew all I did was helping him and assisting to achieve our goal 😂 I dont know...I Just want smth just to be made by me and I want confirmation for that. REAL confirmation...but why?! So I decided to paint my wall...Green. First time ever coloring a wall. I felt the emotions of insecurity and pessimism. Coloring a wall should be normal and Not a hard Task...comparison thoughts....all day all night..for that I did mindfulness which cleared up a bit. In the end it did feel great, every step and decision. But it took so much time for me to do these things: 5 days for a shelf and coloring one wall wtf!!! @PhilAnd today I started cleaning up my apartment because I have yet not enough storage room for my stuff and everything stood around in my room because I actually havent unboxed all moving boxes with my baggage yet, I am still missing a work desk, eating table...and all that I used as a reason to procrastinate, it took me two days to clean up the painting utensils and today I was about to fill the shelf when suddenly my brother rang the bell. Three days have passed since he last visited me building the shelf and as soon as my door bell rang and realizing it's him AND my MOM, I felt an incredible wave of the emotion of insecurity. My Mom being someone who really really cares about being clean and hygiene, herself living in a clean and huge apartment, I always felt the need to live up to her standards and disappointing her was always terrible for me. At least talking about the experience today...so she walked around my appartment.... I saw her and felt the emotions of disappointment and frustration and suddenly anger: thoughts popped up, "why the hell wouldn't I clean up the appartment earlier knowing my mom could visit me anytime, why this, why that..look at her judgmental face, I hate her vibe, I just hate it, but I need her to be happy and proud, but I am such a messy person not living as clean as herself, I am just no the son she desires, and she tells me that, exactly, she makes me feel like a little child which cant take care of itself." In a blink of an eye all the creative energy has gone when I saw her critically looking around the room. I wanted her to be proud of me, or I wished for her saying anything good. I wanted her confirmation.... BUT all she Said was: "So when was the last time you went to work? "Last monday." "5 days and this is all that happened? Colored one wall. Pff. I couldnt live in this mess..but well, you two (speaking about my brother and me) are men, maybe thats normal... You are clearly overwhelmed, should I take your clothes with me, and wash them for you?" And then I felt the need to throw justifications at her. But I Just felt overwhelment. All the time. A mix of overwhelment and unworthiness. I felt the discord in every cell. I was loaded up with anger. I isolated myself physically. And started cleaning the dishes. For an hour. Just not to face her judgment. I felt emotions of frustration, pessimism, disappoinment, blame. And was the verge of even crying. I felt like a damn failure. Right there. This woman can just tear me up in moments of weakness or it is the resistance...the thoughts...which are just discordant. I could just open up to the possibility for them to help me. But it is the first time I wanted to do smth all by myself...and she didnt accept that. She just kept criticising. @Phil @Mandy I dont know. As soon as she enters the room I feel like I want/have to climb up to my moms throne. I feel like a yokel talking to a Queen. But at the same time I avoid to accept help from her. I want to avoid any form of dependence on her. I dont want anyone to make me feel good. I Just cant take it. I feel so awkward and vulnerable around my brother because he always analyzes my emotions which is just annoying. I dont want to feel weak around him, I dont know why. Or let's say in some moments, he just plays the therapist, observes my behaviour and I feel like he could just shut up sometimes and let me be me... Or so..I hate open myself up to anyone close (Family wise, apart from my dad). Any advice? The discord was so immense I literally felt so much unworthiness I couldnt look my mum in the eyes.

might be too big for the room, so maybe putting two on the wall? Or is it the backside effect?

Btw, I am currently looking for a new dream board, does this also work? https://www.amazon.de/Magnettafel-Magnetwand-Kreidetafel-Pinnwand-Wandbild/dp/B08XQPKK5T/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?__mk_de_DE=ÅMÅŽÕÑ&crid=LHGJUZG6DI0Y&keywords=wochenplaner%2Bgroß&qid=1705181764&s=officeproduct&sprefix=wochenplaner%2Bgroß%2Coffice-products%2C85&sr=1-2-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&th=1

Not even sure why I posted this. I even feel the emotion of fear posting this in public. But these past days, discordant thoughts just keep flooding my mind.

I am 25, currently moving from my second apartment to my third. I just moved in and it is the first time the apartment I live in has been used before and apparently the former owner didn't care much about hygiene. The reason I moved here is because of the housing market and a friend who moved out, offered me to stay here. So I accepted the opportunity, because I needed to move out anyway because of changing my place of work. Initially I was really inspired to renovate it and decorating, for example putting a huge dream board on the wall, acoustic panels... the room is like 4,4m x 4,5m excl. kitchen, bath and balcony. However, certain obstacles trigger SO much frustration and anger, I just keep screaming loudly because of frustration. But oftentimes this frustration is just caused by self-referential thinking: "you are just a loser...", but tbh in these situations I just want to be frustrated. I can't say "let's be aware of these thoughts Blabla" (I know one can't "be aware" as "being aware" is "no action" per se and already happening, not as an event or action of course), I just scream because the situation pisses me off. @Phil I realized that, compared to my parents (who were apparently getting children in their 20s, moved to a place far away from their parents, which is just a ridiculous fantasy for me rn), I am really fucking dependent ON so many people, especially related to craftsmanship. How do I even use a drilling machine? How do I mount a shelf on a wall? I am 25, not having a clue about a thing in regards to crafting etc, feeling so dumb asking my parents for everything. For 4 days straight, I had to clean the toilet, kitchen, and exchange everything (currently waiting for some shelfs and stuff), the moving boxes are still standing around the room because I have no shelfs (which were provided in the apartments before), then the toilet flush doesn't work properly and the water tap in the kitchen just keeps dripping. For that, I already contacted the renter and on Tuesday there is an appointment with a craftsman. Right now, I realize the importance of craftsmen. Apparently the universe just gives me what I ask for. So far so bad. The first few days the stubbornness was just the pinnacle of the situation. I felt the emotions of fear and unworthiness causing me to really indulge in escapism. So I slept at my mom's house every now and then, which felt very bad in a way, just because my mom likes to belittle me, in a way treating me like a baby, framing it as "well, a MAN would just DO it and not ruminate about it, apparently you aren't capable of handling an apartment on your own, so I must help you", which caused to feeling the emotions of guilt, pessimism and especially anger and hate. On the other hand, she just loves to care for her son (she is kinda dependent on me in a way too). I can't blame her. I just called her like everyday, several times, raging about the hygiene and really PROJECTING EMOTIONS on her. At the same time, I wasn't willing to let anyone help me. I was just stubborn. So I bought a drilling machine and everything I needed. And just taking small steps every now and then. I realized, I need to grow up a little instead of just raging and blaming. Oh yeah, the emotion of blame is felt: the hygiene, the apartment, the neighbor, the living conditions blablabla.... So in contrast to EXTERNAL conditions, there is also internal questioning. WHERE do I want to GO? Of course, here, always. But what do I want to dream? For 15 years, I've been playing the drums, for 5 years now, everyday for about 1-2hours, creating own music projects, new songs, started to rap and sing. The first big gig in 2023, in front of 500 people was just overwhelming, getting small money now and then was another point which lead to taking music a bit more seriously. But it's never been enough to provide a living, nor do I think that I am talented enough or have "the voice" to pop up as a "star". But of course, I just started 2-3 years ago, so what can I expect more? However, on the other hand, I work as a nurse which definitely takes a lot of energy. BUT I really need it, sometimes, it's even an "off-time" thing for me, because I like to be around other people and socialize in that way. In regards to that aspect I keep questioning: music or follow the path of maybe becoming a doc? I am 25, studying may take like 6 years and will definitely take most of my free time causing to maybe not being able to stick to music the way I used to before. I feel the emotions of fear, doubt and overwhelment, then impatience. Some of my recent work:

This is the way I would use the scale @Phil, pls check. Right now for example: Due to moving to a better-paid job, I have to leave my new (now old) appartment provided by my current employer. I was basically the first one living in it, so it was fresh, cleaned-up and modern. Simultaneously, I had to move to another rehearsal room, got kicked out of it, havent been able to play the drums for a about a month now, which is truly not wanted. Believing moving out of both rooms (living space and rehearsal space) at the same time was a good idea (which wasnt, because of the workload), right now, I am feeling the emotion of overwhelment and pessimism. The new appartment compared to the other is pretty dirty. I had to clean it up for 3 days straight because it was basically an abandoned place. And... because I did it all by myself without the help of others, just my best friend...I feel the emotion of overwhelment and pessimism still and I dont know why this change was even made. Over here I pay more rent and dont really have the noise cancelling opportunities I had before (for Song recordings for example). I can hear every neighbour through the walls. Actually, I felt pretty happy before but also kind of not flowing and stuck in work life. but in the end cleaning the new appartment up...I feel the emotion of hopefulness. at the same time I see my best friends appartment and I feel the emotion of jealousy, because he has a sense of knowing how to just keep his shit together, he knows how to renovate and has pretty much luck regarding his living circumstances - whereas I initially go through every emotion, starting to feel the emotion of unworthiness, have to sort that out first, laying down for three days not being able to make a move...before getting up and do it anyways.. And after that...somewhat being able to clear discordant thoughts out. In regards to stressful situations I basically feel the emotions of pessimism and unworthiness, fear and impatience. ... so is this how the scale works, maybe I should move up the scale too^^

What about my mother tongue? English is not my mother tongue, so can I express in German too? Even though there aren't exact translations. Blame for example...

It's like listening to music. Music just hits different without conceptualization, knowing that it already is listened.

For a few years now, everytime I've had an important task, something that has to do with maturity, evolving in maturity, for instance about a specific response of mine during a fight, argument, or a relationship, let it just be easy tasks like taking care of my mum's cats, feeding them, for example. Sometimes, shortly after an incident, when I thought something went "wrong" or I did something "wrong", I habitually feel massively triggered, feeling guilty and feeling like a failure resulting in feeling anger and hatred. For example, at the moment, I'm taking care of my mum's household during their vacation: one cat has to be fed every second day...just a thought might come and doubt is expressed "hmm what if I didnt feed her two days ago, maybe I forgot, wait, did I really, oh no, what if I didnt?". And then it starts, no reasoning, no rationalizing, nothing stills thought. Even if I say "it doesnt matter, the cat doesnt starve", the whole point is not even about the cat I guess, it's just the WANTING to know if I did it or if I've forgotten it. After that I can spend days pathologically ruminating, going through what I did days before, checking the exact day routine and even then, even if I have a tiny proof that I MIGHT have fed her, still the doubt stays. I know this is OCD, obesessively...but the hell, it's just insane, it doesnt even make sense. But I MUST make sense out of it,.. I could honestly just rage and cry out loud because it's so painful. This everylasting LACK of proof and doubt.

Let's Go, did IT all, as you wished 😉

New music! Have Fun 🥰❤️ This flow, of this Journey, Manifestation, whatever, is truly amazing 😄

That's wise. Thanks!

2 years ago, I started working full-time as a nurse and spending most of the time at home producing music for my projects. The stress boiled up and in the end feelings of unworthiness were felt on day to day basis. I dont know why, but 4 years ago, I remember, I cared much about how I look and it gave me kind of a validation. Right now I feel insecure about my appearance. Although I work out and I look fit and muscular, I feel insecure. I have a few grey hairs and a receding hairline, which occured within the last two years. I dont know why, my dad has had full hair until his mid 40s. I dont know what to do about this, really 😄 Getting older is just...normal I guess? I feel jealous about my buddies, they all rather delevop to models compared to myself or at least to "a look", whilst I just dont go anymore look-wise, or it's just the unworthiness speaking... Diet-wise, I dont eat meat very often, one time in 2 weeks, otherwise mostly plant-based. Broccoli, Tofu, rice, soy products.. What can I do for my hair otherwise? Any Tips?

@Phil Today we had a hell of a show. 500-1000 people, really went off. But even then, I try to minimize every "good thing", being pessimistic about everything! Not only that, our bass player is pretty nice and good looking, and all the girls go to him and I feel a bit jealous afterwards. And then I look again what could have been gone better, feeling unworthy, insecure about my appearance. I feel like I am getting older. I am 24. My hair's slowly getting kind of thin, no volume, few grey hairs, my face turns older too, not in a way I'd like it to change. With 20 I felt somehow more confident with my looks, but right now I look at my friends and they all turn into " male models" (:D) whilst I feel like my appearance worsens the older I get...I dont know, it is something that makes me feel insecure. Actually nice to express it. Appearance is one hell of a trigger for me. It started when I broke up with my ex. Not getting to know many girls and not getting somehow a validation within the last two years, I have been really getting more and more insecure. For example, socially, for me, two years ago, looking someone in the eyes was really easy, now I cant do that anymore. As soon as I feel insecure and sense this emotion, or sense a projection of my emotions, I feel so awkward and insecure and I somehow stop listening to the other person and instead try to get rid of the insecurity and then it all turns into an awkward cycle of not being attentive or authentic. Thoughts appear about being awkward and so on. For sure, this all plays a role for being attractive. Being authentic, attentive, grounded. Whilst others socialize, I am the weirdo that likes to sit 2 hours alone at a beach and feeling like this is what it is, I cant run away, I am no longer running away, just be. And this is ultimately what gives me the ultimate joy. But finding a balance...

It is very paradoxical, because one can choose whenever desired to not believe thoughts.

But just being with what is usually leads to...just this?

Longer sittings then..

@Phil about the relaxing into; there is a sense that it is possible to fall even deeper into "Self", as if it is infinitely deep, sometimes it feels like "Im just half-way relaxed", as if there is still something holding me "in", which is then seen to be just thoughts and sometimes I feel like I totally abide and relax into Self. Vision gets clear, everything seems borderless. As you mentioned, with the imagination of bodies, and one is falling away after each relaxation. I can feel what you mean. Sometimes I feel like I cant "relax" into the really depth of Self, and then there is this sensing of being able to go even further back, then impatience is felt or frustration. Because sometimes there is not enough time sitting long enough to let "all bodies fall away".

@Phil

What about the pessimism? About each and everything? I feel like I want others to feel bad about it (i.e. a concert, a song the crowd didnt like that much...) too. And blame others for example: we're gigging soon at a Festival and unfortunately very early in the afternoon midst week, probably not gonna have a big crowd then. I dont hesitate openly expressing: "Look, the crowd may be looking dead again..." Answer by my bandmate is: "you piss me off, you give me such a bad feeling with your pessimism. It isnt useful to go into the Gigs with your attitude, we must see it as a chance." What do I do about that? Actually I feel anger and revenge and want them to feel bad for answering back like that. But i apologized for my message. I tend to draw a black cloud over everything. It feels so manipulative.

Yep. Always now. Always now. And now is the only opportunity to feel. And realizing that now is the game changer, you feel good.

Yes

@WhiteOwl thanks, i'll do that later and respond after that! @Phil When, as in which situations? When, as in "time"? I dont really know what to respond to the other questions 😅 Fear is recognized, but not expressed, most of the time. Because then I would probably cry and run away and just want to be with it, alone. That's how it was dealt with earlier, just to be with fear.

@WhiteOwl thanks! Probably has to do with the childhood. Being dependent on fulfilling my Brother's desires, it was the way he made me feel worthy if I did certain things for him or even against him (for example when I was 8/9 he stood right in front of the door, not letting me through until I punched him hard in the face to "Man-Up"). I can relive this moment. This hatred was so strong. I didnt want to do this. I didnt. Really. But I couldnt express it otherwise than hitting him, as he desired. This hatred was because he wanted me to punch him. He started provoking more and more. If I didnt do certain things, I would get fired out of an imaginary club he created, but never existed. And of course, I believed this club was the one and only thing that made me a worthy human being. Till this day, I cant seem to lead a true authentic conversation with him. I dont know why. Arent those normal Brother-Brother Situations?

Hey guys, I need these lines for emptying out a bit. As my musical journey progresses and also my musical direction changes, as it all gets a bit more serious regarding the musical projects - I feel like the more serious the relation and attachment towards those things get, the more do I feel doubt and feelings of unworthiness. Conzeptualized in following "what if's" and thoughts: What if I look silly on stage? We totally changed musical directions, what if it totally fails? The most difficult aspect is: I always MUST know if people liked it. And if they didnt, I start questioning the entire project. It's gone so far that I can consiously see that beliving the conzeptualization FEELS bad but I NONETHELESS habitually choose to believe it because I dont know?!?? Same goes with my family. If my mum doesnt like what I do musically, I feel such a huge emotional response of unworthiness and doubt. I feel so unbelievably dependent on others opinions. Especially my moms. Same goes with intimate relationships. Then thoughts... The issue is: I try to openly express this to my band mates. But I must admit that the unworthiness kills the vibe slowly but steady. Because I DO NOT hesitate to openly say: "I doubt people will like like this, or I dont want to put this out because we look silly." Fortunately, my band mates are basically the most grounded guys I could ever wish for. They know how to handle Drama queens. I am killing my own life goals by not knowing what to do with these emotions. They feel so strong. As if they pull me deeply into questioning every aspect of myself. Do I look shitty? Why dont they dance? Yadadada I recently started emptying out, meditating and expressing via the scale. The emotional response to mostly anything regarding music, girls and relationships is: doubt, uncertainty and unworthiness. And in acute situations, I cant seem to consciously express them without wildly starting to ruminate... Anyone? Thanks Phil