Nadosa

I'm currently working at a psychiatric hospital with people that have very very strong "emotional" outbursts, psychosis and schizophrenia. I mean nothing "normal", emotional releases as if they were dripping an overdose every 30mins. They are locked in the station because they are potential threads to society and themselves. I have myself never faced this dynamic before, I mean the patient vs nurse on a "face to face" base. Here, the patient is not treated like "king" but rather as someone who is known to be a potential threat to colleagues and nurses/docs. Mutual respect, as well as de-escalation, authority behavior is important. Tbh, I'm experiencing insecurity and overwhelment regarding these dynamics. I see girls jumping and screaming their lungs out, hitting windows and doors until their wrists are bleeding, who throw chairs and stuff around and become physically abusive towards nurses. I respect that. But tbh I feel a bit intimidated, because I've always been open, very kind and very rarely outgoing and authoritarian towards patients. Any suggestions for behavior?

So everything that feels bad, is just felt as the thought about that thing, but a thing can never be bad or whatever, because it has nothing to do with what's felt.

That again leads to questioning why feeling discomfort is even oncurring...when in fact there IS nothing happening. Discomfort is obviously caused by thought...

So by dispelling this belief, the gap is kinda closed and I can really feel whats up.

What also helps is realizing, acknowledging...that suffering, discomfort, is never in the objects or coming from the outside, or is put into me from the outside. It's always already in me, felt, meaning I have to already be able to feel it and dispell the belief that suffering is coming from external factors.

So it's like sitting on a bridge and looking at the cars going by. Emotions are already going by themselves and all I do is acknowledging that they are already passing by?

How can I not feel about this to be something I have to do, focus or learn? The first thing that comes to mind is questioning what does boredom or pessimism even feel like and then I try to feel it by conceptualizing it. Which is not "the way".

describes my life pretty good. Prolly the reason I always come late to meetings. Procrastination and checking obsessions.

Yep. Feels like extreme discomfort just sitting and not wandering off.

Yeah. Just talked to an old man in the park. He seemed lonely. I guess that's a strength. I can completely vibe with old folks. He laughed. And asked for money. Lol. Gonna meet him tomorrow again I guess.

I just spend my days sitting in parks. Im wasting away at the moment, or whatever, this thought says. At least Im getting a tan. Everything I do I dont even feel the aliveness of it. Sports, breathing...I miss the feeling of putting feeling good in my body first. Like living through it.

Everything feels so stupid right now. I am feeling like I want to go away, move to the next moment, not even taking time for the dreamboard but rather write smth, anything on it in hoping it fills the hole in my guts. This everlasting lack, feeling impatience and doubt. I cant stand being with "myself" at the moment. I just do things in order to feel better instead of moving within This and acting from This. Especially when you know "This", state-chasing is experienced...or at least sitting in silence in order to reach This...which of course leads to more dissatisfaction. I feel the emotion of disencouragement, disappointment, pessimism and frustration. Tbh those are the main emotions experienced throughout the day. Havent felt really happy for a longer period tbh.

I feel disappoinment regarding building new relationships. I've been very open about socializing recently, as in just talking to random girls and usually the response is pretty positive. Although the conversations/meetings weren't awkward at all, up until this point, after one meeting, girls end up ghosting or putting me off. I dont really mind. I understand that meeting a total stranger is probably uncomfortable for them. What I dont do is actively showing sexual interest and rather behave on a friend-level and focus on having a good time. Anyways, just renting... Maybe Im just too needy? Tbh I always sense a lil bit of lack in my stomach, like a subtle resistance.

You too.

It's good. But in direct experience the notion "about you" IS also just a thought. Let it all fizzle out. But I totally understand as a first step, it sure IS quite helpful. You is not a doing. You is the only one that is here noticing thoughts. The only one that is. As you are the only one here, there is just you being able to choose what to believe. Can be quite challenging.

Another one which seems to kinda block energy and flow is the thought of the upcoming festival season in summer, prolly playing 500-1000 people venues and usually we go really well with sax n drums mixed with rap. But the new songs are basically just rap because we love it and it's fun to explore how to work with flows and stuff. But direction wise, we are not really clear about yet. This kinda seems to hold back the vibe within the band too. Because one side says "the crowd loves the sax n drums", the other side states "better be focused on what WE like". well, any advice? Just listening to what feels good?

New Music's comin: hit dem with the limp bizkit vibes

Yeah. I havent been able to really let go...however, I was sitting on a bench when suddenly a good friend of mine came by and asked me to go bouldering. First reaction "meehh dont disturb me, Im meditating!!", which felt of course ..Bad. So fuck it, Ive never tried bouldering before. It was sooooo cool. Already looking forward to the next time. I have this inner longing for exploring yet thought oftentimes keeps me away from the boundless opportunities.

Meanwhile This wondering how This should move away or get somewhere.

😂seems so. Expecting to get somewhere when sitting down and meditate...i dont know what to expect from that 😂

Today or let's say at the moment, I have a hard time to at least focus on feeling and sitting still and not grabbing the phone or distraction. Probably because there is something going on causing a bit of trouble and especially doubt and insecurity are felt. I am leaving my work team and and starting a new path at work. Of course it'll offer new perspectives. The doubt is (as always) contextualized and avoided by various activities throughout the day. I realize and feel a resistance to now and whatever I start doing doesn't seem to fulfill and release tension. Sitting down, I immediately feel an immense tiredness laying over mind and body like a curtain. Which is met with more resistance.

Probably not taking enough time..If at all...pretending to sit and meditate when instead there is always a sense of having to get the next thing done aka impatience. No real letting go.

@Blessed2 Thank you. It resonates 🙂 Sometimes it's good to let go of the steering wheel.

@Phil I really take interest in myself, as in, let's say doing the things I love: drummin', singing, songwriting, for 3 years I hit the gym, results are clear, I love cooking, taking my friends for a trip, being open to new people, and in all aspects I seem to come off as a pretty likeable dude (as far as others show me this in their actions) - as far as job goes, I just feel doubt about where to go, what to do, taking risks, as for example studying. Ive been talking to you about studying and becoming a doc 2 years ago, but seeing the docs in my hospital just really doesnt resonate with my plan to have a creative career in a way too. I don't want to spend my life studying in a bib just to forget everything 7 years later lol. O.c. that's not really it, but Ive talked to many docs, and chefs, and they told me it's rather not possible to be a doc and musician at the same time lol. The musical lifestyle seems cool for let's say...20-40s, but after that, if you don't pop...meeh I let this thought go. I quit my job some days ago for a better-paid work, but I don't know what the hell diverted me there...I sacrificed a lot of advantages, for example, I just took my bike and I am at my old working place in less than 5mins... My new employer will be able to employ me in hospitals within a radius of 50kms for a specific period of time, which will take more time off from what I usually spend most time in - playing music. But I thought, working less for the same salary or more would be a good idea, I'll meet new challenges, new people...

Whose then? Or do you mean they are just thoughts.