I feel like crying but I won't let myself

[ivankiss]

I don't even know why, really... Maybe because of everything that transpired , maybe for no reason at all... There's just this weight on my heart that I really want to release. But for some reason, I'm afraid to do so. Best I got these days was a few tears. Some gentle weeping. I quickly stopped myself and "sucked it up." I don't know why. I was afraid of letting it completely take over.

 

I feel like I need to truly cry my heart out. For quite some time. To just let it all come out. Without holding back.

 

Sad music could do the trick and trigger stuff in me. But again, I think there's something else here. It's like I'm avoiding it, distracting myself and numbing it all down, while simultaneously craving that release. I caught myself judging it as something stupid, weak, unreasonable and unnecessary... And I know that's all bs. Crying is good and healthy.   

 

What do I do? 

[Serenity]

Maybe follow the feeling's trail, and try to get to the bottom of it? I've found that the mind is not very much welcomed when it comes to these matters.  It's all in the body. 🙂

 

Just allow it to arise. It's not going to last anyway.  🤍

[ivankiss]

@Serenity Thank you. That makes sense.

 

I noticed a lot of pride, cockiness, arrogance and grandiosity in me. I'm trying to hover above things and act as it's all beneath me... Like I'm bigger and stronger than I actually am. Like I'm more than I actually am. When in fact, I feel so small and worthless inside. Yes, God is infinite and almighty, but I don't think that's where I'm at now... What I need is humility. I want to be humbled and stripped of all these delusions of grandeur, but I am also scared to death of it.

 

"Look at me now, I'm a man who won't let himself be..."

[Serenity]

20 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

@Serenity Thank you. That makes sense.

 

🙏

21 minutes ago, ivankiss said:

@Serenity Thank you. That makes sense.

 

I noticed a lot of pride, cockiness, arrogance and grandiosity in me. I'm trying to hover above things and act as it's all beneath me... Like I'm bigger and stronger than I actually am. Like I'm more than I actually am. When in fact, I feel so small and worthless inside. Yes, God is infinite and almighty, but I don't think that's where I'm at now... What I need is humility. I want to be humbled and stripped of all these delusions of grandeur, but I am also scared to death of it.

 

"Look at me now, I'm a man who won't let himself be..."

What is interesting as you are saying all these words, is that you are already acknowledging and liberating yourself from what is dysfunctional. You are being aware of it and moving towards more lucidity. People who are excessively proud, cocky, arrogant and grandiose do not have the faculty you have to even notice it. 😉

 

I'm not sure if that will help you feel better, but everything you've been writing down is not solely 'yours'. It belongs to the human experience until the ego bubble burst. The ego is a ring of fear preventing us to merge in the absolute Love that reality is. Feeling small and worthless is part of that 'feature'.  Ultimately, that feeling of being small and worthless is just an illusion. I don't manage to always see it for myself either, but absolutely no human can be worthless. So why would you be?

If you want my thought on that, we live in a society that is focused on people having to 'earn' and 'deserve' affection and it skew our view as we unconsciously identify with these narrative.

 

Other than that... vulnerability is part of the incarnated experience. Sometimes, I'm thinking we make a disservice when we talk about how we are all God. We are all God incarnated in a limited body.

 

I'm thinking... It's probably new for you to realize you want to be stripped of delusion of grandeur. Set up your target on that, and it will unfold. And once the illusion will be removed, you'll be able to see that reality offers you the possibility to also do great thing, within the limited human form if you chose it 🤍. 

[ivankiss]

@Serenity That was beautifully written, thank you. Brought tears to my eyes last night when I read it, but again, I did not allow myself to go "all the way".

 

Today I felt a lot again. It was quite intense. I don't know why I fear so much to let this out. It's like I'm hitting a brick wall. It feels so big. I'm afraid where it could take me. 

 

I resonate a lot with what you said. I know I'm not the only one going through this. We all have our reasons, but feelings are the same. 

 

I'm not arrogant all the time... far from it. But lately I've been noticing those tendencies showing up frequently. I feel so behind... Like I did not do enough. Like I'm not enough. I know it's ultimately not true, but it's just how I feel. Perhaps knowing that is precisely what's preventing me from fully experiencing this and releasing it. Even if it's not absolutely true, it's true to me when I feel it. I should not explain it away or bypass it. Yes, all is one and all is well, and yes I can also sometimes feel like crap. Oneness is not less One if I'm feeling hollow and broken.

 

Much love and respect to you.

[ivankiss]

You will never rest
Until the stars burn out
My day is done
I love the sound of no one coming by
Tomb beneath the trees
The name unsung
The darkness in the cracks

 

I am not what you have waited for

 

Trust
Nothing is enough
This hunting ground
I need the freedom to control my own
I need the sound of rain
Wearing dependence down
The line must be kept so thin
To live near life
Not within

 

No need to take the test
Before the dark must shine
Reflect my eyes
And strip this creation of mine
Tomorrow is so long
The dead end king is here
Black wings upon his back

[Loop]

When that passionate being burns,

The Fountain of Love is allowed to turn.

 

Reach inside,

grab Hearts hand,

Let er be free.

Compassion rains,

Tears well up,

Feeling drains down, 

A head drowns,

The Affection compounds, 

Always was the Ground. 

Rooted in every experience,

Inspired by wary and confidence,

Of the confusing non-sense,

In tense,

In a tent,

Far away from home, 

Letting out that sigh,

Water falls from the eye, 

To the Earth,

From the Sky,

Roam at Home,

Feeling-I.

 

[Serenity]

10 hours ago, ivankiss said:

@Serenity That was beautifully written, thank you. Brought tears to my eyes last night when I read it, but again, I did not allow myself to go "all the way".

 

Today I felt a lot again. It was quite intense. I don't know why I fear so much to let this out. It's like I'm hitting a brick wall. It feels so big. I'm afraid where it could take me. 

 

 

Thank you. 🙂

 

Do you want to go all the way? If you do, you'll be fine eventually. These past emotions might need to be acknowledged and heard, but it doesn't mean they are true. Emotions are stored perspectives, and while they reveal us how we see/ve seen the world, they do not mean they are fundamentally true. You'll still be able to grow out of them.

 

You also don't have to do it at the very moment. But they'll have to be let go for you to be free, at some point. 😉

 

10 hours ago, ivankiss said:

I'm not arrogant all the time... far from it. But lately I've been noticing those tendencies showing up frequently. I feel so behind... Like I did not do enough. Like I'm not enough. I know it's ultimately not true, but it's just how I feel. Perhaps knowing that is precisely what's preventing me from fully experiencing this and releasing it. Even if it's not absolutely true, it's true to me when I feel it. I should not explain it away or bypass it. Yes, all is one and all is well, and yes I can also sometimes feel like crap. Oneness is not less One if I'm feeling hollow and broken.

 

Ouch. That was some terribly wise words.

 

What did you not do enough? Career, money, achievement, success? Feel free to rant about it and tell yourself the depth of how you feel like shit for not being were you wish to.  Intimacy with oneself is important. Open yourself that space. It's nothing a person with such a strong ability for self- love can't face. 🙌

 

Note: I'm also not satisfied in this department. I'm working on it. But attunement with one wants and emotions in that domain is so important... otherwise it gets relegated to the shadow and play us tricks from behind. And it messes up with so many parts of our agenda, because it's tied to our means to lead the life we consciously want for ourself.

 

[Phil]

The ‘dam’ is subtly thoughts.

I = myself, I = it. 

 

The Eddie Murphy movie A thousand Words comes to mind as a potential bubble burster. 🙏 

Free on Youtube btw. 

[WhiteOwl]

I can relate to the experience of feeling sadness, but not being able to release it. The thing i do that always brings up emotions, is just to sit in a quiet place, and focus your awareness on your "inner body". Try to focus awareness "inside" of your body, and just relax. When i do that, emotions and tension starts to show itself more and more, until tears are rolling down and my throat/body is tensing. The "trick" is to continue to focus on whatever comes up and don't project the feelings into thoughts or put focus somewhere else, just stay in the inner body. When sadness is clearly visible, continuous relaxation of tension can cause me to cry in that situation since its unconscious tension keeping you from crying/releasing.

 

That is my own way of explaining it, you could try and see what happens 🙂 

 

Sometimes when i am almost crying it becomes difficult to continue, since i know its good for me, so i kind of start to feel too good and loose focus on the sadness.

Edited November 9, 2022 by WhiteOwl

[Phil]

@WhiteOwl

@Serenity

@Loop

 

So well said. 🙏 

 

@ivankiss

Feel into the sadness, and deeper… into the sorrow… and deeper yet. 🤍

[James123]

On 11/7/2022 at 9:54 PM, ivankiss said:

I don't even know why, really... Maybe because of everything that transpired , maybe for no reason at all... There's just this weight on my heart that I really want to release. But for some reason, I'm afraid to do so. Best I got these days was a few tears. Some gentle weeping. I quickly stopped myself and "sucked it up." I don't know why. I was afraid of letting it completely take over.

 

I feel like I need to truly cry my heart out. For quite some time. To just let it all come out. Without holding back.

 

Sad music could do the trick and trigger stuff in me. But again, I think there's something else here. It's like I'm avoiding it, distracting myself and numbing it all down, while simultaneously craving that release. I caught myself judging it as something stupid, weak, unreasonable and unnecessary... And I know that's all bs. Crying is good and healthy.   

 

What do I do? 

Society put such stupid label on man, "Strong man don't cry ". NO. Real man is the one who shows his reaction for any outcome, just be what you are, directly show your feelings like a mirror. 

[Cathal]

Congratulate yourself on becoming more aware of what you need to do to end this suffering you're holding on.

 

Now you say 'I can't' because, that suffering is because at a point in your life you repressed strong negative emotions as a strategy to defeat them which you probably learned as a child from how you were conditioned (this is mainly a male issue for most us, so join the club), but the mechanics of repression show it is simply still there, lurking around the unconscious causing us needless pain because we choose not to let go.

 

Catharsis is the process of realese, allow it to happen, let reality work the way it works