How I feel-the suppressed expressed

[Someone here]

5/10/2022

 

I feel like garbage, I feel like shit, I feel like I'm some going insane, I wish I could be happy again. I wish my thoughts didn't go apeshit. I wish I could talk to people with screaming and losing my fucking mind. It feels hopeless. But oh well, tommorrows another day of shit. I feel like people who think too much are insolent morons who need to be locked up. Oh well, that's how how I feel. 

[Someone here]

My mind is going and going with some new crazy weird fucking concepts. The concepts fucking nuts. It feels like shit, the world is like a big shit of shit, it stinks.

[Someone here]

The primary reason why my life sucks is that I want things here and now and yet I'm certain that I can't have them here and now 

And that sucks .

[Someone here]

 this weekend has been pretty shit and I feel pretty bad. It feels like every time I’m happy for more than like 2 hours life finds some stupid ass way of destroying that happiness. I’ve felt like shit most of the weekend and a lot of my insecurities and depression has come back sorta all at once. I feel really sick right now and I have a massive feeling something is going to go wrong, and my anxiety keeps creating horrible things to boost that feeling and I have no clue what to do. The person I usually talk about this kind of stuff who usually can make me feel better no matter what simply by existing is asleep, and I also feel like I’m pushing him away recently. I keep feeling like he deserves better than me. He deserves somebody with less baggage somebody normal who can do basic fucking things without having a mental breakdown every 5 seconds. Idk I just feel he deserves better than me. And he could 100% get better because he’s an amazing person. My thoughts aren’t even organized I just feel like shit and I don’t know why or what to do about it.

[Someone here]

12 minutes ago, Devin said:

@Someone here want a suggestion on how to feel better?

Sure..

[Someone here]

19 minutes ago, Devin said:

@Someone here is there anything available to you right now that you like, that you would like to do, that you enjoy? Watching the sky, yoga, basking in the sun, watching birds and butterflies outside or in the park, drinking a glass of water, eating something, sleeping, working out, jog, walk, .....

 

There's always something I can come up with, just do that, if you can. You're not productive being negative anyways, so you may as well do what you want to do, it makes you positive for production and you're doing what you want.

Yeah I enjoy most of these things .  But that's not my problem . My problem is even after doing fun stuff ..I still feel like shit .

I feel so overwhelmed by everything. I’m overwhelmed by university so far and I can’t seem to focus on any of my studies and I feel like a fucking idiot because I seem to be the only fucking person having any goddamn problems like this. Everyone else seems to be doing great juggling a job, school, boy/girlfriends, and sports and whatever. All my friends and everybody around seems to be doing great while I just feel like I’m fucking drowning in this shit.
I want to fucking cry but I can’t even do that. I can’t even fucking cry like a normal human being. 
I wish I could just run away from everything sometimes. I wish I could just run away from life and responsibilities. But I can’t and I know it.
 

[Someone here]

7 minutes ago, Devin said:

@Someone here so you're behind in schoolwork and lacking motivation? Do you work and do school?

I don't work . But I attend university. And I don't study and waste my time playing video games and smoking and eating garbage food (aka junk food). And I always procrastinate doing my assignments .so when I do go to college I have nothing to show up for .

[Someone here]

37 minutes ago, Devin said:

I suggest doing the healthy things you like to do instead of the video games, smoking, and junk food. Go for a walk, make avocado toast with tomato, a little red onion, and salt, watch the sky, journal, meditate, just meditating 10 mins daily really helps with this sort of stuff. And yoga, I love yoga.

 

When I do those "healthy" things I feel unstoppable, in complete control of everything

 

You don't want to do video games smoke and junk food, you're brainwashed to do those things, trained

 

The "healthy" things are what you want, that's why you consider them "healthy"

 

You have to take these breaks from your studies, you can push yourself to study but you have to take breaks from it when you get like this.

Thank you for your advice . I sincerely appreciate it .

I'm actually gonna drop smoking and pick up a meditation habit daily and daily exercises too.

[Someone here]

48 minutes ago, Devin said:

the University stuff and all that, however it goes is fine, it doesn't really

Could you elaborate?  It's not going to be fine if i drop out of university or fail exams. How am I supposed to have a good job without a uni degree? 

[Someone here]

24 minutes ago, Devin said:

The only thing that really matters is joy; being happy, content, fulfilled; that's what you're ultimately seeking, but the funny thing is is that it's already with you. So really whatever you do isn't necessary; college, career, marriage, children. You already have joy, this doesn't mean you shouldn't do anything, you should do what you want to, but it will never bring you anything because you already have everything, so it doesn't really matter, it's just for fun

 

And another funny twist; knowing this frees you to do what you want, frees you to study

 

If you wind up in a "bad" job, or take easier classes at uni for a lower degree, you'll still have that joy of those small things you love, you can't lose joy.

 

If you disappoint your parents and family, whoever, doesn't really matter, you still have joy, which is the only thing you can ever have, you already have everything

Before that one needs to understand what is joy

if you think it is instrumental, biological so joy is external.

If you think it is somewhat related to emotions and feelings it is internal..

[Someone here]

28 minutes ago, Devin said:

When you do the things you like, when you're in the moment and not thinking, just experiencing, that's joy; simple and everyone knows what it is, they just don't know it's always there

How is it always there ? Have you ever had a bad day even once in your life ?

[Someone here]

20 minutes ago, Devin said:

Yes, I have bad days, had a lot of them, now when that happens I do what I suggested to you to re realize I can realize joy at any moment, in any circumstance. And that knowing frees me from those debilitating pressures you're under, then I can study, because I no longer need to worry about failing school and all that, I don't need to worry about anything, I have joy always at my disposal, I'm invincibile

I wish I could have joy for free always in my disposal like you.  But I don't see it in reality . I feel very limited and confided by certain things.  It's not like there is a button I can press and it just washes over all your problems and give you instant satisfaction. It doesn’t work like that, imo.

[Someone here]

41 minutes ago, Devin said:

Can you enjoy a glass of water? If so do that

Unless I'm super thirsty..no.  but yeah I get your point overall. 

Thanks 😊 

[Mandy]

@Someone here Have you ever felt joy while writing? 

[Someone here]

5 hours ago, Mandy said:

@Someone here Have you ever felt joy while writing? 

Yea  . It feels good and relieving.

A source of fulfillment is writing's ability to freeze ideas in time so you can come back to them and explore them further and more thoroughly later on, to me this helps to get clarity and insight into things  i wouldn’t otherwise be able to get clarity on if it wasn’t for writings ability to keep them in a form that allows for later scrutiny. 

[Mandy]

On 10/5/2022 at 2:30 PM, Someone here said:

I wish I could have joy for free always in my disposal like you.  But I don't see it in reality . I feel very limited and confided by certain things.  It's not like there is a button I can press and it just washes over all your problems and give you instant satisfaction. It doesn’t work like that, imo.

Ever try to rewrite them completely? Tune into that joy of writing and write about how you want things to be? Then how could one write about joy being missing? 

[Someone here]

14 hours ago, Mandy said:

Ever try to rewrite them completely? Tune into that joy of writing and write about how you want things to be? Then how could one write about joy being missing? 

I may dislike the hard work of organizing thoughts and presenting them clearly. There are probably people who let their imagination be limited and can think of nothing to write about.

, it isn’t that I don’t have a decent command of the english language beyond the common vernacular, it just kills me no matter what I write.  nope, I am dead serious about how much it genuinely hurts me to write. I already know that if I keep going in college I will most likely take my own life before I get to live my dreams. In case you were wondering, I’m wanting to be a philosopher like Socrates or Plato.

I shouldn’t write about what I want .because that means getting lost in Fantasy land: tons of money ,tons of friends, a hot blonde girlfriend etc.  I made this journal to write how i feel at the moment. Not about my future goals. 

[Someone here]

7 minutes ago, Devin said:

If you dreamboard you may be surprised at how it changes and evolves into what you actually want

Have you manifested anything yet from your dreamboard? 

[Mandy]

19 minutes ago, Someone here said:

I may dislike the hard work of organizing thoughts and presenting them clearly. There are probably people who let their imagination be limited and can think of nothing to write about.

, it isn’t that I don’t have a decent command of the english language beyond the common vernacular, it just kills me no matter what I write.  nope, I am dead serious about how much it genuinely hurts me to write. I already know that if I keep going in college I will most likely take my own life before I get to live my dreams. In case you were wondering, I’m wanting to be a philosopher like Socrates or Plato.

I shouldn’t write about what I want .because that means getting lost in Fantasy land: tons of money ,tons of friends, a hot blonde girlfriend etc.  I made this journal to write how i feel at the moment. Not about my future goals. 

 

Ok, but why not write to improve the way you feel? Really be aware of how the words feel when you express them. Don't be like a dog that returns to its own vomit. Once you vomit up something that feels horrible to focus on and believe, don't eat it again. 

 

 

[Someone here]

49 minutes ago, Mandy said:

 

Ok, but why not write to improve the way you feel? Really be aware of how the words feel when you express them. Don't be like a dog that returns to its own vomit. Once you vomit up something that feels horrible to focus on and believe, don't eat it again. 

 

 

Like I said  because verbally I have trouble expressing myself . putting my thoughts down on paper does something different. Most the time I start writing and don’t know where it comes from. I get lost in my words in the moment, and the feelings I am experiencing.

My writing is what I feel at the moment, not always what I feel long term. I know some of my writings can be very hurtful to others, but that is not my intention. My intention is to process my thoughts as they come, hence why my writings can be all over at times.

Writing is very therapeutic, but can be toxic at the same time for me. I have a habit of beating things into the ground. I overthink and overwrite at times.

But I guess you have a good idea..what's the point of bitching and moaning all the time and complaining?  I definitely don't feel awful 24/7, otherwise I would have killed myself long time ago 😅