Processing Disgusting Emotions

[Orb]

I've been going really deep into the core of beliefs/conditioning and I realized I'm afraid of my mom deep down. 

 

And it feels so disgusting, maybe people with abusive childhoods can relate idk, it feels so gross, so sensitive, so helpless. 

 

You know that feeling? That chilly feeling, that feeling like you're exposed to something you can't even process. That childhood trauma feeling.

 

It's all so gross. I'm just venting and I journaled about it.

 

This is more of a report than a post asking for solutions.

 

I realized that one of the curses within my family is that the men are all afraid of their mothers, and that I'm witnessing the root of this curse within me. I feel anger towards some mothers because they condition their kids to think they are the one and only source for their Love, it comes from a nice place, but it feels gross. Love coming from one source (mom) is gross 🤢, feels like having an umbilical cord around my neck. 

 

A lot of guys who have issues with women are probably avoiding facing these core emotions around their moms. 

 

No one really talks about this, but there's something fucked up about moms no offense, obviously not all of them, but it feels gross, somewhere in my childhood I began to have that childhood trauma feeling and it's gross, if you know the feeling you know! 🤢😢

Edited October 3, 2022 by Orb

[Orb]

@Devin it's nice to relate on this matter. 

 

I thought the best thing to do would be to move out and live far away from my mom, but then I realized that the discord is really my responsibility and if I don't resolve it then it'll always be dormant. 

[Mandy]

Why gross and disgusting? You used those specific words a lot. 

[Orb]

@Devin thank you, I dont read much but if i start ill check it out :).

 

@Mandy just feels gross to deal with, feels like helplessness, guilt, fear. 

[Mandy]

@Orb I'm not referring to the emotional scale here, it seems like there might be disgust around life/birth in the psyche, when your psyche is really just this openness that's very cool with all that and not invested in male/female. Dunno. It's a hunch. 

 

Mothers usually really want their babies to come out around 8 months of pregnancy, (gets really uncomfortable) and they want them to wean when they are ready (sick of getting your nipples get chewed off) and they want them to sleep independently, but again the baby needs to develop to the point where they can. 

 

Is it possible that you want to fly the nest, and this natural hurricane event might have been a bit of a labor contraction of nature pushing you out to realizing this, but you aren't ready? So you're feeling like it's kinda gross to be in your Mom's womb still, but you're blaming her for it? 

 

16 hours ago, Orb said:

I realized that one of the curses within my family is that the men are all afraid of their mothers, and that I'm witnessing the root of this curse within me. I feel anger towards some mothers because they condition their kids to think they are the one and only source for their Love, it comes from a nice place, but it feels gross. Love coming from one source (mom) is gross 🤢, feels like having an umbilical cord around my neck. 

 

Are you wishing she'd just kick you out, and blaming her for that or are you just scared to leave? 

[Orb]

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

@Orb Is it possible that you want to fly the nest, and this natural hurricane event might have been a bit of a labor contraction of nature pushing you out to realizing this, but you aren't ready? So you're feeling like it's kinda gross to be in your Mom's womb still, but you're blaming her for it? 

@Mandy yea that's a good interpretation, like im tired of being under her care.

 

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

@Orb Are you wishing she'd just kick you out, and blaming her for that or are you just scared to leave? 

I'm not scared to leave, I want to leave, I'm waiting to see if I'm hired full time for a job.

 

I don't wish for her to kick me out either.

[Phil]

19 hours ago, Orb said:

A lot of guys who have issues with women are probably avoiding facing these core emotions around their moms. 

Just what ‘comes to mind’, turned out to be a lot… but damn my man. This is one of the truest, most significant, insightful, and bravest recognitions one could experience imo. Not enough people, namely, not enough men imo are willing to actually allow, feel and process the disgust & hatred from being treated so wrongfully. 

 

I can only imagine what you’re going through as this is coming up & out, and the ‘tastes’ you’re enduring as it does. The arising maturity & courage to allow the emptying of this is the real heart of the path, the real ‘work’ imo. I truly hope that you can now, or soon, distinguish in that ‘muck’ of disgust, the entirely justifiable hatred, anger & resentment…  from any internalizations of guilt, shame or self blame. It truly is not your fault. You are absolutely innocent. 

 

One difficult aspect of processing emotional injustice is that it’s like doing ‘work’ that you don’t even know if you’re going to ‘get paid’ for, and that imo is what’s so incredibly courageous about it. It can be like sailing into darkness not knowing if any light will be found at all, and moving forward again & again & again through that not knowing what, when or if that light will be at all. It’s like summoning strength intuitively, without even being able to see what you’re lifting off of yourself. 

 

I’ve seen some bury traumatic conditioning such as this so deep, that they identify so deeply it’s believed to be karma. I hope this distinction really really lands; it is not your fault, it is not your karma. It was, and still is, hers. It is however, your conditioning. The ticket into this shit show that turns out to be heaven is indeed random as hell. There is nothing fair about it at all, and that is The  Work. Imo, there is a collective task of true togetherness in the continuing to shine clarity on this.

 

Indeed the downsides of not allowing this strength within yourself, of ‘burying emotion’, of not processing & not breaking the cycles are profound. One tends to experience failed relationship after failed relationship, increasingly walling oneself off from potential emotional suffering more & more until one one day they ‘wake up’ realizing life has gone by and most unfortunately, it’s a bit late in the game to realize the “rosebud” of that they did not truly intend to spent it so alone.

 

Seeing the conditioning from the karma is sorting through the justifiable hatred & anger… and the unjustifiable guilt & shame. The ‘muck’ you’re having to process out is not your fault, and is not related to anything you did. The conditioning is undeserved. You are most deserving of the love you are. To every extent you can find it possible as you go - do not let the hatred towards your mom rob you of the profound enjoyment of deeply loving relationships with others going forward.

 

This is of course an over simplification, just a pointing in the hope it’s useful… thought wise, I’d be sorting into two categories; mine and moms. Any thoughts about the difficult emotions you’re experiencing which are of the ilk of guilt, shame and or bodily discomfort - go swiftly and immediately into the ‘mom’s karma & mom’s business’ category. Any thought of anger, rage or hatred, I’d ‘file into’ the mine category. My conditioning. My ticket in. My intuition. I would be most careful not to allow or flirt with in any way, the mixing of these. 

 

Mom’s neglect is mom’s karma. Not yours. If mom wants to bravely look within, as you are, that’s up to mom. If mom does or does not allow the ‘barf up’ of facing her karma to illuminate and release the underlying conditioning, exploring that dark void to light & freedom as you are - that is mom’s business alone. Not your’s. 

 

(IMO!)

Your ‘task’ is to truly, truly see that, and to make what you will of this anger & hatred. Honor above all through the sorting of karma & conditioning - intuition. If it feels right for you to bask deeply in that anger & hatred and express it in a plethora of ways, then by God, bask in it and express and release for as long as you see & feel fit to. If the pavement is in need of pounding, pounding the hell out out of it. Do not, of course, inflict harm, neither physical nor emotional, but at the same time - if you got something that need be said - don’t guilt or shame yourself. Rather, with the strength of God which Is behind that intuition - say it. Don’t hang onto what is rightfully not yours to bear for even a minute. Allow it out. Wether mom is in the same room, the same house, or even the same state - say it, allow it out, vocalize it; this isn’t my karma, this is mom’s… but this conditioning, this is mine. Allow the conditioning inward, closer than close, in ‘doses’ you can tolerate, and it Will indeed burn away, and the equanimity and Truth will, day by day, fire by fire, illuminate more & more until inevitably All is clear and made Good. 

 

There is a distinct vulnerability in allowing these emotions to be processed, and in saying whatever it is you intuitively might feel needs to be said.  You might or might not have insight into the potential compounding nature of not allowing the processing, of how suppression indeed does play out in all relationships, as it is a spot on the lens which can never be rightfully projected onto an objective reality, in spite of any mental gymnastics of aversion. It is the very breaking of, as opposed to the living through and in suppression of, the cycles of conditioning. Like an itch that can never be scratched, only endured as long as it need be, that it may be felt, honored, understood, and let go entirely. I suspect you actually do, and it is not a ‘small amount’ of insight there. In fact, I think in your opening-ness, willingness, humbleness, kindness and expressiveness, you’ve actually been researching, learning & exemplifying, being, the true nature of our being about this all along. 

 

I hope you allow the pit stop of forgiveness in your backwards journey through that void to be just that - a pit stop - but one part of your Greater journey, but one place or experience on your path Home. On the other side of that darkness is The Light which illuminates all, The Love which makes sense of all. You might say the journey is that of from forgiveness for self & others, through an increasing understanding & faith and intuition alone, until forgiveness Fully dispels and Empowers as Truth, until reality itself is recognized to be the self, and therein is truly known as for giving in & of itself. 

 

If & when deep emotional discomfort arises, notice aversion. Just notice. This is not to say solve, figure out, or even to do anything at all about it whatsoever. Simply notice if & when thoughts arise, which are entertaining of the notion that her karma is yours, or that your conditioning is hers. So to speak of course, remind yourself of your innocence and feel the truth therein deeply. Deeper and deeper. Allow these fleeting experiences of emotion to come, as they are within you, and you are not within them. See in direct experience the suffering of does indeed diminish with each allowing. Allow them to come in close and to drink from the light and love of you, and I assure you with all the intelligence within every cell in this body and to the fullest extent my word can possibly convey my good man, you Will be ‘paid’ one hundred fold in the truth of alignment, clarity, compassion, sincerity, and an otherwise unimaginable serendipitous synchronic experience of life. 

 

Call it metamorphosis, self transformation, transmutation, the greater jihad, bringing the sword to your world - call it whatever you like, whatever fits, whatever resonates most… but please just don’t miss the bigger picture of your courage here. This is brining the light you are into the world you are being. The light which the world, in any ways, is so sorely & desperately in need of. Your courage is no small thing my man. 

 

 

What will change in this allowing?

 

Mental health, physical health, healthy relationships, actual understanding, true self-less-ness, sincere for-give-ness. 

 

The (thoughts of) inclinations & considerations of justifying & rationalizing the doing of what you endured… to others, does subside, as guilt & shame are dropped as the flotsam & jetsam of conditioning. 

 

Liberation of emotional & physiological suffering. The body will enter a healing mode of its own accord in the allowing, releasing & understanding.  

 

The consistent stress on the body of emotional discord will lesson as you go, and become more & more surface level, eventually & inevitably falling away entirely. You are still very young, and you will save yourself from enduring the emotional, psychological, and physiological suffering of any of the many ‘mysterious’ ‘unfindable’ veiling diagnoses via ignore-ance. Not to mention all the time & money you’ll save, and the fact that the relationships you experience will not be strained by this. 

 

In maturely addressing and releasing the conditioning, properly respecting the karma which is not yours but hers - and in allowing the conditioning to burn away - the ‘third eye’ opens, and serves not only you, but all of your creation.

 

Impulsiveness, such as aversion from feeling - to food, the seeking of states, the deflection of objectifying & karma of doing so, the roller coasters of substances, etc - you’re saving yourself from all of this. 

 

Depression & anxiety in perception will draw within you up ‘from feeling’ into your creation Great compassion and appreciation for your own bravery, and Great appreciation for the alignment of it with the true nature of our infinite being. 

 

The truth, true nature, and clear understanding of the universe, and the wisdom of which is only love’s will be readily available to in, of and always as this miraculous ‘moment’. And this will not be a facade, such as with emotional aversion and the ensuing rollercoaster of substance derived highs & insights & ‘breakthroughs’, and immutable corresponding ideational lows of rumination & projection… but the ‘real deal’, the genuine article, the holy grail. 

 

Not to shortchange ‘it’… also, Music will be heard. You think you’ve heard music, but you ain’t heard it yet. You Will. Bliss incarnate infinitely reverberating. Truly orgasmic. 

[Orb]

@Phil this is appreciated, thank you!

 

quick question, can i still use substances (nicotine, kratom, etc.) and still let all this stuff go?

 

I see the power in recognizing that alot of the stuff i thought was mine is really my mothers to deal with.

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Orb said:

quick question, can i still use substances (nicotine, kratom, etc.) and still let all this stuff go?

You could let it go with or without any substances. 

[fopylo]

@Orb As well as fucked up dads

[Orb]

@fopylo of course, its just for my own path, a lot of the discord is centered around my mom. 

[fopylo]

What you said is relatable. I've also had this insight come to me a while ago, and you just refreshed it for me (about the interaction with women). It is hard to interact and find love for a women when you cut your mom off. It's not that I cut her off but I'm living now only with my brother and father and tbh I haven't really missed her ever since my parents split. It's the closure I experience when my mom wants (forces) to interact with me.

Similar could be said to fucked up dads.

You could grow up to be scared and very cautious when your father criticizes and judges a lot. The closure to live authentically in my own skin.

He is also kinda fucked up in his own neurotic ways.

I wouldn't say my brother is fucked up but like we don't really talk. No interaction unless it's for logistical stuff. Only sometimes we talk ngl but we barely talk.

 

 But anyway your post inspired me to write this. It got me thinking...

Remember this Maslow's Pyramid shit?

So like, you have also family and relationships there... could that mean that Maslow meant by that that in order to fully realize yourself you'll have to go through that pillar? Because it might actually make sense - To resolve each pillar.

[Orb]

Had a big epiphany moment.

 

Was texting a girl and felt scared about somehow fucking things up. 

 

I realized that I was projecting the same way I felt about my mom on this girl. So with my mom I believed I was responsible for how she felt, and I was also projecting that on this girl. Then there was relief.

 

8 hours ago, fopylo said:

So like, you have also family and relationships there... could that mean that Maslow meant by that that in order to fully realize yourself you'll have to go through that pillar? Because it might actually make sense - To resolve each pillar.

@fopylo  imo, I think Maslow hierarchy of needs is a model created for a separate self to have some semblance of stability. 

 

I do think there's some truth to it though, a little bit. 

 

Bonding, family, relationships, is awesome and beautiful!

 

Also, thanks for sharing your family situation, it's nice to see we aren't alone. 

 

I think a great rule of thumb is: anytime there's a dysfunctional behavior with a woman on your own part, inspect how it relates to your mother. Like if you crave validation from a girl, maybe it's rooted in problems with your mother.

Edited October 5, 2022 by Orb

[Phil]

7 hours ago, Orb said:

Bonding, family, relationships, is awesome and beautiful!

☺️ The bonding is boundless. 

[Blessed2]

On 10/3/2022 at 9:46 PM, Orb said:

A lot of guys who have issues with women are probably avoiding facing these core emotions around their moms. 

 

Have you seen the Netflix show Mindhunter?

 

It's a dramatized true story about the birth of criminal psychology, an FBI group interviewing violent criminals, serial killers, just to see why they did what they did.

 

The story, the acting, the dialogue, the plot, the psychology... It's all just plain amazing. Truly the best show I've ever seen. And it touches this very subject.

 

 

[Orb]

@Blessed2 thanks for that suggestion! I'll check it out! 

 

I recently saw the Jeffrey dahmer show and it was really good.

[Blessed2]

15 minutes ago, Orb said:

@Blessed2 

 

I recently saw the Jeffrey dahmer show and it was really good.

 

In that case, you'll probably love Mindhunter. 😂

 

If/when you watch it, and if you're interested/resonate with spiral dynamics, pay attention to how the characters think and relate to the surrounding characters/society. It's quite amazing.

Edited October 5, 2022 by Blessed2