Blah blah once again

[Blessed2]

So frustrating. Such a pressure.

 

Can't mention it.

 

Anger and frustration and resentment and disgust.

 

Fear came once again. There is always fear and anxiety.

 

Fucking tired of it.

 

Always something wrong. Always anxiety, always sickness, always tired, always something wrong. Never just peace and happiness.

 

I hate it.

 

I want it to end already. But nothing helps.

 

Nothing feels good. There is nothing I'm eager about. Nothing to look towards. 

 

So boring and just... Bad. Annoying.

[Blessed2]

Could write a thousand words of what I've been thinking and what's going on and and and and.... But there is no point. Too tired to write or to even to try.

 

Yeah, it will probably pass. Maybe a day or two, a week, a month, a year. But still, never actually satisfied and at peace. Why even wait for it? Why even hope? It's just a disappointment.

 

God was a fucking idiot and an underperformer for creating me. And a damn hellish devil for that matter. Sure, tell me how I might not know what is good for me, tell me how there is some plan I can't see and this suffering is for some later gain or reward. That's not good, that's a fucking horrible existence.

[Orb]

@Blessed2 😢

 

Went through a negativity spiral very recently. Just go to the journal section and go crazy!!

[Faith]

3 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Always something wrong. Always anxiety, always sickness, always tired, always something wrong. Never just peace and happiness.

Is there something that can be done? Is there some action that needs to happen? Or is it completely out of your control?

 

[fopylo]

12 hours ago, Orb said:

@Blessed2 😢

 

Went through a negativity spiral very recently. Just go to the journal section and go crazy!!

+1

[Phil]

@Blessed2

God loves ‘you’. God loves being ‘you’. God is love. God is You. You are God. You are love. 

Love is the Nothing thought about & spoken of with little to no appreciation for Self-respect, thus it is unseen how the suffering is being created, and therein it remains unseen how to bring an end to suffering, and a beginning to consciously creating. 

 

When you are half way around the track and realize you can not get to the end because there isn’t one, and that the ‘answer’, the end of suffering, is going Home, going back to the beginning… it is realized the allowing of this activity of thought, and the discord therein - the suffering…  must be allowed to settle. It is clarity and goodness which is appearing as, the discordant thoughts.

 

Activities like going for a walk, expressing, meditation, focusing on what does resonate, work… but are not “work”, because these are release, relief, letting go’s, and are not efforts or doings. This is self-love. It is it’s own plan or point, in & of itself. It results in everything changing in alignment with what you desire. When there is discordant momentum there is little to no clarity. When the discordant momentum is expressed, or in some way allowed to fizzle out… there is ‘again’ the very peace, clarity & happiness which was appearing as, the discordant thoughts. 

 

19 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Could write a thousand words of what I've been thinking and what's going on and and and and.... But there is no point

There is a point, but it’s easy to miss in the thick of it. 

19 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Always something wrong. Always anxiety, always sickness, always tired, always something wrong. Never just peace and happiness.

You’re experiencing progress. Real progress. There is a process, and in large part it is expression. This ⬆️ is Real expression, Real progress. That is not phony, that is not ‘the armor’. That is sick & tired of the phony, of the armor, and expressing. It reeks of sincerity, authenticity, and genuine real expression. 🙂

 

19 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Yeah, it will probably pass. Maybe a day or two, a week, a month, a year. But still, never actually satisfied and at peace. Why even wait for it? Why even hope? It's just a disappointment.

No “but still”! 

It will pass. 

And you will see much more so the wisdom of ‘not putting your hand on the hot stove’, and ‘nipping it in the bud’. 

 

Putting your hand on the hot stove is focusing on what is discordant, unwanted, for you. Momentum ensues either way. This is progress. This is real learning of real wisdom. 

 

Nipping it in the bud… 

Any gardener knows it is by far easier to ‘nip the buds’ of weeds as they sprout… than it is to remove four foot tall weeds out of your garden. Again this is real progress & wisdom being received, and there is a process, and you are expressing - perfectly - there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ to expression. You’re doing it perfectly. 

 

19 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Can't mention it.

This part here however is just regular ol’ horeshit though. You can, and are, and not only do we all love you - we’re all in the same boat. We get it. We understand. We’ve been there. Do not give up on love (nothing, no thing)… love never gives up on you. This too, this will pass. 

 

[Blessed2]

On 7/4/2022 at 3:22 AM, Faith said:

Is there something that can be done? Is there some action that needs to happen? Or is it completely out of your control?

 

 

I don't know. I guess I should meditate. I guess I should quit caffeine, nicotine, bad food. I guess I should not be this lazy and have the energy to leave comfort zone.

 

But I can't. I don't have what it takes. Never have had that.

[Blessed2]

On 7/4/2022 at 2:12 AM, Orb said:

Went through a negativity spiral very recently. Just go to the journal section and go crazy!!

 

I try to write. But it doesn't help. Just makes me more frustrated and angry, writing and waiting to feel better. I don't even know what to write. It seems just useless. 

[Blessed2]

On 7/4/2022 at 7:23 PM, Phil said:

God loves ‘you’. God loves being ‘you’. God is love. God is You. You are God. You are love. 

Love is the Nothing thought about & spoken of with little to no appreciation for Self-respect, thus it is unseen how the suffering is being created, and therein it remains unseen how to bring an end to suffering, and a beginning to consciously creating. 

 

For years I have tried to figure out and finally grasp and touch what "Love", "God" or "Nothing" means/is, without results.

 

(...)

 

Just went outside, turned toward the sun and said "God, Love, Emptiness, please help, touch me, heal me, talk to me, show up for me. Joy, come to me." Seems like there was no answer. In fact, seems like there was just more confusion and pressure and disappointment.

 

If God = Unconditional, if only a mustard seed = enough, why not to walk outside and ask for help not enough?

 

When I was a kid, one night while walking with my mom, I saw a shooting star. It was a known thing to wish on a shooting star. So I did, I wished for a toy. A specific toy - one that was really popular at the time, an electronic device you could read barcodes with and all sorts of monsters would be there to collect. My parents didn't want to buy me one for some reason. So I remember being super eager to get back home so I could finally have that new toy. First thing, I ran to my room and started looking everywhere. But I didn't find it. There was no new toy.

[Mandy]

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

waiting to feel better. 

 

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

 

For years I have tried to figure out and finally grasp and touch what "Love", "God" or "Nothing" means/is, without results.

 

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

Seems like there was no answer. In fact, seems like there was just more confusion and pressure and disappointment.

 

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

So I remember being super eager to get back home so I could finally have that new toy.

Do you notice the strong pattern of belief in time, and expecting what we want coming within a certain time line that seems to have been somehow previously assumed by us to be tolerable? What if time is thought, and what if we believe that time is actual and what if we believe that time is an actual force opposed upon us by outside that limits us? Could we expect any other thoughts that spring from this one to result in satisfaction? Timely satisfaction? Is satisfaction subject to time? 

 

If you were eternal, and if you are always in this eternal now receiving feeling guidance from the eternal now, do you think that thoughts based on the assumed/believed limitation of time would feel good? Or do you think the eternal now would be like... "naw... that's not how I Am." And then what if you tried to resolve that negative emotion (that was actually guidance telling you that your time limitation assumption is total BS) with MORE thoughts about how your negative emotion hasn't left yet? Would you expect to feel good in that very moment?

 

So if you would not expect to feel good thinking that thought in that moment, and understand why it would feel bad to think "what I want hasn't come yet", is it true that you are feeling bad because truly "what I want hasn't come yet", I don't actually have the toy or the relief, or the _____, OR because in this eternal boundless Now, I'm thinking that I am finite and lacking? 

 

Would you want the eternal Now to just go along with your limiting ideas, and be like, "yeah, whatever dude, life sucks", or would you rather have emotional guidance in real time reminding you of your inherent eternal worth and immediate fulfillment? 

 

 

 

[Phil]

@Blessed2

It takes a while to spot / recognize what aversion is and why it feels the way it does, or, that what’s sought is being sought outside of you & what’s going unnoticed is the turmoil & discord is actually of the un-alignment of the ‘inner world’. Thought kind of goes everywhere ‘looking’… past, future, “self”, others, etc. The suffering is like falling for the thoughts, and missing this is what’s happening, by missing the guidance of feeling with regard to the thoughts. It actually seems like you’re not being loved right now, and always. And so it’s looked for everywhere else. 

 

But a ‘click’ really does ‘just happen’ like a light going on, and the orientation of the seeking of the connection, the truth, the love, changes to within. Then the work is realized to be “the work”, not actually work at all, but the relief, the ever-available bottomless replenishment which makes it all worthwhile. 

 

Nothing does help, nothing does feel great, nothing is what the eagerness is about, and nothing is actually what’s looked forward to. The ‘connection’ directly with no thing, is the recognition, clarity and understanding, that emotions are felt with respect to the ‘right now’ of thoughts, and not the implied content of thoughts (past, future, etc). A lot of emptying, of believing, thinking, saying ‘no it’s this, it’s that!, it’s what I’m doing, it’s what I’m not doing!, transpires first. There’s relieve in the recognition & understanding that this is an emptying out. Then there is some recognition & understanding that ‘nature abhors a vacuum’, or, that you’re soon to ‘fill up’. Order the case of tissue now on Amazon. Save yourself a ton of money.  

[Blessed2]

@Mandy @Phil 

 

What I am experiencing, feeling and thinking right now is extremely hard to bring into words. Bit I'll try my best because I suspect you could help me out.

 

About an hour ago I tried stream writing. Sat with a notepad app on my phone and tried to 'keep up' with whatever thoughts arose. It lead to some sort of... Feeling 'stuck' in thought and belief. Kind of a dead end. No way out.. Whatever I try, whatever I think, is a continuation, or refreced 'back to' itself, the thought-story. So it seems like an impossible brick wall, no way out.

 

Extremely hard to explain and express......

 

Belief and thought-stories really seem like a matrix, a self-referential system. It's like a dead-end from it's own POV.

 

Though probably not dead-end stuckness, cuz you can focus on something else, let go the belief or thought-story-matrix.

 

Thought how do you do that? How do you shift focus, and let go belief? It seems like it's not in my control. Even that I want to shift focus and feel better, is a still a continuation of the thought-story-matrix itself, thus useless.

 

Seems like can't do nothing but focus on breathing and notice the emotions felt. There is worry, as to what if really can't stop and see through the matrix. Anxiety, as to what if it just gets worse. What if I lose control of my mind and horrible stuff happens, like jumping out of the window or something.

 

It really seems like no control. Like I don't have the control in this. In fact, many things in life seems like that. "Not in my control". Even my own focus, happiness and feeling. That leads to a lot of frustration and despair, fear and powerlessness.

 

"Not in my control." How...

 

That seems unfair. Bad. Evil, even. That happiness and good feeling and freedom, is not in my control.

 

It really does seem that it is not. But that feels discordant. So it's not true...? But how, because what it seems like right now, is that I just can't freely, just by snapping fingers, focus on better things and feel better. It does very much seem like I don't have control over my own wellbeing, what happens within me.

[Orb]

@Blessed2 wait a second, are you meditating? Be honest ❤️.

 

Discord coming up is good, that's healing, but if you stop meditation then the discord will just fester and swirl around as you're not letting it go through meditation.

Edited July 9, 2022 by Orb

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 I just went outside for no reason other than because I wanted to go outside. My habitual pattern is to go to my garden when I want to go outside, then to water plants, take care of stuff, etc. Then I realized that the grass was all wet and didn't want to get my shoes wet. But I still wanted to be outside. So I'm standing there in the driveway thinking "what the F am I doing? I should be doing something, what if someone drives by and is like, what the F is she doing?" And I thought about how there's this old belief that I always must be doing something and also that that something must be something that makes sense to others.  😂 Then I thought that really, the true I- Awareness was already always doing nothing. We're already like a baby, wide eyed, taking it all in, being held in the arms of an adult who thinks it's showing the baby the world. The baby is already the world. You don't have control, already. Thinking that "I don't have control" as if this is something that hasn't always already been, from the perspective that one is stuck in a bad scenario, feels bad, because this kind of no control is utter freedom.  It's not the lack of control but the lack of the belief in control. The belief in control then allows the possibility for control to be or not be. We only desire control after believing that it's necessary, then believing in and focusing on outside threat. 

 

"There's no way out." From the belief that I am stuck in misery, the thought that "there is no way out", feels horrible. But if the way out is to realize that the prison isn't actual, and the walls aren't solid, it can also be said that there's no way out. But to one who is aware that there is no entrapment, or no walls, this statement doesn't hit the same way, it hits as a hilarious, obvious and unnecessary to state observation. The emotion you feel is the indicator of how clearly you are seeing the statement. 

 

If you put an electric fence collar on your dog, and he learns over years never to cross the boundary or else he gets zapped, but then the batteries die in the collar, he still isn't free because of his expectation of the zap. He is utterly free and yet he is not. Beliefs that we know what feeling bad feels like, are like the expectations of the zap in the dog. This is what Wim Hoff teaches with cold water. You breathe and feel fully, and there's no zap. The avoidance of the zap IS the zap. The avoidance of the zap is the belief in the zap, but is itself directly the zap. 

 

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

It does very much seem like I don't have control over my own wellbeing, what happens within me.

Let's consider the old personal development paradigm, "I have to take control over making my life good, over my wellbeing. Look at these other idiots who eat potato chips and watch the Kardashians! How horrible is must be to be them! Look at these people who are disabled, their life must suck, I'll be horribly afraid of some sort of accident or misfortune outside my control happening to me, because my happiness is dependent upon being in top physical condition!" The belief in personal control is actually the belief in being utterly powerless. It's possible that there was a belief that this spiritual knowledge would make one immune to discord, like religiously lifting weights makes a man immune to being made fun of for being scrawny. The Good news is that there is nothing out there (or within) that you must be immune to.

 

The lifting weights seemingly causes the man to focus on his muscles instead of the lack thereof, and to feel good about himself. He doesn't realize he has dropped the thoughts of worrying about being scrawny or inadequate in his focus on lifting weights. He doesn't realize that the weight lifting gets him out of his head and into his body. He doesn't realize that it's not the weight lifting that helped him to feel amazing, it's what he's not thinking anymore. He thinks "he did that" but he didn't, it's what he stopped doing. 

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

Thought how do you do that? How do you shift focus, and let go belief?

By understanding why it doesn’t feel good… why it doesn’t resonate with You… and it is because it’s focusing on the absence of what you want. (Might sound like I can’t, I don’t want, etc). 

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

It seems like it's not in my control. Even that I want to shift focus and feel better, is a still a continuation of the thought-story-matrix itself, thus useless.

Yes, it’s seems like it’s not in your control… it does seem like it - but it actually is  your control.

There’s a nuance which is the game changer which is still coming into focus for you. 

Wanting to shift focus and feel better is not - shifting focus and feeling better. And feeling better is what you want. 

If it’s “still a continuation of the thought-story-matrix itself” - Shifting focus, letting it (the discordant thought or subject) go hasn’t actually transpired yet. 

Recognizing the truth of Not Knowing is a great way to let it go. You say “even if”, but you do not know this. You say “even if”…. “It’s still a continuation of”… but it isn’t, when you let it go. It’s precisely not a continuation of. As @Orb mentioned, meditation is another means or way of letting it go. Mediation can be the means of letting it go right now, and daily morning meditation is also, kind of ‘so to speak’, preventative as well. If you want to get physically strong, conditioning, muscular resistance is required. If you want to feel as Yourself - de-conditioning is required. By de-conditioning, I mean the right now letting go of - the condition held - which isn’t resonating. When you let it go, you are again a blank slate. In that blank slate / space, will arise - without any possibility of exception, a better feeling thought, perspective, idea. 

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

 

Seems like can't do nothing but focus on breathing and notice the emotions felt.

 

And sometimes that’s true, and when that’s true - that’s plenty good enough. If there is already discord… focusing on breathing and noticing the emotions felt is wonderful - what’s not being given focus are the same discordant thoughts. 

 

You’re actually doing awesome. You’re actually ‘getting it’. This is what ‘that’ looks like. 

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

There is worry, as to what if really can't stop and see through the matrix. Anxiety, as to what if it just gets worse. What if I lose control of my mind and horrible stuff happens, like jumping out of the window or something.

You’ll feel better in letting go. Anxiety is momentum of worry. It’s really still worry. Do not ‘worry about anxiety’. See that worry results in anxiety / is the same... just with momentum. That’s ok too - because the more worry/anxiety that’s pent up from focusing on discordant thoughts - the sweeter and deeper the release of it feels. The greater the revelation is, the realization is, that you are in control, and the worry, anxiety, etc, is of not letting go of whatever is discordant that is focused upon. 

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

 

It really seems like no control. Like I don't have the control in this. In fact, many things in life seems like that. "Not in my control". Even my own focus, happiness and feeling. That leads to a lot of frustration and despair, fear and powerlessness.

Embrace some paradox. If you’ve been focusing on discordant thoughts & perspectives, then you’ve lost control, and admitting / acknowledging this is the relief, the letting go, the Not Knowing, the recognition of What Is, as in what is actual of your experience. 

You don’t have to ‘be in control’ to feel good - you can be in control of - letting it go. 

No one else can let go for you, nor can you let go for anyone else. 

But letting go is something you are in control of. 

 

Don’t play the game of ‘if I figure this out then I’ll feel better’. This is not What Is. This is playing pretend in a discordant way. This is pretending feeling comes after thought(s). 

Feeling is prior to thoughts, and is feeling - the thoughts. 

Thus, letting the thoughts (when discordant) go - “results in” - feeling better. 

Make sense? 

 

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

 

"Not in my control." How...

 

That seems unfair. Bad. Evil, even. That happiness and good feeling and freedom, is not in my control.

Those are more discordant thoughts. Let them go too. 

If you have a habit of doing this, of blowing the discordant perspective up bigger and bigger, ‘my whole life’ sized etc… then feeling better is present right now, and is the relief of the acknowledgement, that you’ve been doing this. You’ve been giving attention to what is discordant and making it personal. Acknowledging that you have been, is relief, because it’s seeing clearly, seeing What Is. Acknowledging this inherent brings about the sense of control desired. You are in control of letting go. This is the same as saying, putting feeling first. Honestly, we can’t even ‘put’ feeling first. We can just be real with ourselves that it already and always is. 

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

 

It really does seem that it is not.

It’s not ‘in your control’, it’s You, and it’s (You) in control. 

You don’t want to think it. 

You want to feel it. 

‘It’ is you. 

‘It’ is only obscured - by the discordant thoughts. 

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

But that feels discordant. So it's not true...?

Who cares what’s true. 

You want to feel better. 

In feeling better, aligned thoughts, insightful thoughts, solutions, ideas etc, arise. Because you’re awesome. 

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

But how, because what it seems like right now, is that I just can't freely, just by snapping fingers, focus on better things and feel better. It does very much seem like I don't have control over my own wellbeing, what happens within me.

All that’s miss there is that the ‘how’, is letting the discordant thoughts go. This is self-love. This is putting how you feel, way before and way way way above, what you think. 

You don’t have control over ‘your own’ well being… you are what well being is. 

[Blessed2]

@Phil @Mandy

 

I need some help.

 

Something happened. I'm really angry right now. Like really angry, full of rage and frustration. I feel like there is a hole in my chest and I cannot really feel anything else than anger, hatred or frustration. Even sadness or grief would be nice. Even a sting in the heart. But there is only a hole. And it's driving me mad. Feels like something is very wrong. It almost hurts, physically.

 

It's not anger toward something or someone. Just anger. Frustration. Rage.

 

My girlfriend (and me) is scared because there seems to be nothing that helps. She is afraid I will hurt myself or her, and I get that because I do feel a constant pressure and I feel like it just needs to be bursted, I cannot maintain it. It's like at any moment I could just lose it and throw my phone at a wall or something. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be agressive. But it feels like I cannot control it.

 

I've tried expressing, I've bunched pillows and even ripped apart a book that annoyed me. Didn't help.

 

I don't understand the emotional scale. I've done it many times but it never helps. It really seems quite useless. I write and write. I talk about how I feel. But there is no relief.

 

I cannot stand how life has felt like past few days. The traveling has been quite a disappointment. It feels like a mistake. This should have been a wonderful experience. But I have felt just as shit as normally.

 

I feel even quite worthless. Why am I like this? Why have I ruined something that could have been amazing? What is wrong with me? My girlfriend would also have wanted a great trip, but all I've given her is grief, disappointment and now, fear.

 

When I was waiting for this trip, I thought this could be one of those amazing life-changing things. I thought source was with me. I thought this could finally be it, the cathartic uncovering and a new beginning, a new me. But it has been just a disappointment, boring, frustrating. Not at all what I hoped for. Waste of time, even.

 

You would not believe the beauty of this place we are right now. Pretty much a perfect place. Surrounded by forests and mountains. A little cottage, perfect for connecting with nature. But here I am, cannot feel the beauty, not feeling joy, not feeling connected to nature or myself or others. I dreamed of a place like this for years. And this is what I feel?!?!?? Days go by, and it's lost in this shitty feeling.

[Blessed2]

I don't know what I should write. Where is the relief? What should I write?!?!??? Same things over and over??

 

 

[Mandy]

Nature has a way of purifying. It's not here for us like a trophy wife to bring us beauty and joy. It gives life, it IS life. Let it do its thing. 

 

Nothing is EVER wasted. 

[Phil]

3 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

@Phil @Mandy

 

I need some help.

 

Something happened. I'm really angry right now. Like really angry, full of rage and frustration. I feel like there is a hole in my chest and I cannot really feel anything else than anger, hatred or frustration. Even sadness or grief would be nice. Even a sting in the heart. But there is only a hole. And it's driving me mad. Feels like something is very wrong. It almost hurts, physically.

 

It's not anger toward something or someone. Just anger. Frustration. Rage.

 

My girlfriend (and me) is scared because there seems to be nothing that helps. She is afraid I will hurt myself or her, and I get that because I do feel a constant pressure and I feel like it just needs to be bursted, I cannot maintain it. It's like at any moment I could just lose it and throw my phone at a wall or something. I don't know what to do. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be agressive. But it feels like I cannot control it.

 

I've tried expressing, I've bunched pillows and even ripped apart a book that annoyed me. Didn't help.

 

3 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

 

I don't understand the emotional scale.

 

3 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

I've done it many times but it never helps. It really seems quite useless. I write and write. I talk about how I feel. But there is no relief.

Having used it many times is not the same as using it now.

3 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

I cannot stand how life has felt like past few days. The traveling has been quite a

 

disappointment.

 

3 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

It feels like a mistake. This should have been a wonderful experience. But I have felt just as shit as normally.

 

I feel even quite worthless. Why am I like this? Why have I ruined something that could have been amazing? What is wrong with me? My girlfriend would also have wanted a great trip, but all I've given her is grief, disappointment and now, fear.

 

When I was waiting for this trip, I thought this could be one of those amazing life-changing things. I thought source was with me. I thought this could finally be it, the cathartic uncovering and a new beginning, a new me. But it has been just a disappointment, boring, frustrating. Not at all what I hoped for. Waste of time, even.

 

You would not believe the beauty of this place we are right now. Pretty much a perfect place. Surrounded by forests and mountains. A little cottage, perfect for connecting with nature. But here I am, cannot feel the beauty, not feeling joy, not feeling connected to nature or myself or others. I dreamed of a place like this for years. And this is what I feel?!?!?? Days go by, and it's lost in this shitty feeling.

That’s clearly overwhelment.  I’ve been there, it indeed blows. That’s ok though, because there’s more to go. 

First, source is present, now, and only now. 

Second, your girlfriend is an angel. Apologize, sincerely, asap. 

You’re experiencing frustration, irritation, impatience. Also kinda blows. It’s more bodily than overwhelment. 

 

Recognize the pessimism. Thoughts that the rest of today and tomorrow will be the same as today has been. Nothing to ‘solve’, not ‘your fault’. Just really recognize pessimism. Recognize the feeling of the emotion. 

 

Sit down, relax, breathe and feel some boredom. In breathe, count to four, out breath, count to four. Slow the mind, body & heart down a little. When you’ve acknowledged the pessimism, boredom is naturally felt next. 

Stop putting so much weight on the trip, and stop putting so much pressure on yourself. 

It’s all for you my friend. Allow. 

Remember what you want, is to feel great. Once you do, everything else will be cool. 

 

Reach for contentment. What needs to change so that you can feel contentment with everything as is… with you as you are, her as she is, and the trip / surroundings as it is? 

 

This will help shake some more pessimism out of the bushes. 

That’s perfect. That’s how it works. 

Express it. “I feel pessimism because ____________”. 

 

Then you’ll feel some boredom. 

Then you’ll feel some contentment. 

 

Then you’ll feel some hopefulness. There’ll be some clarity on how you ended up experiencing discouragement, frustration, irritation, impatience, and pessimism. 

Since there’ll be some clarity on that, it’ll feel easy to feel hopefulness. 

You won’t step in that hole again. You’ll go a different way next time. 

Forgive yourself. None of us are perfect. 

 

Now positive expectations, beliefs, and optimism will naturally arise. That apology is naturally coming. 🙂

And you’re right, it is going to go well, you are gonna have a good time, and the trip will be fun. 

 

You’ll feel enthusiasm, and eagerness for it, to experience it. 

Some happiness. 

You’re right, it is beautiful there. Not as beautiful as her though. Give her some real attention. Actually notice her. Listen, appreciate. 

 

Passion at this point will just do what passion does so well. Enjoy it you crazy kids. 

 

That’s what it’s all about. That’s the joy of life. 

You got the world by the balls. 

You’re empowered and ya know it. 

Hell even I’m feelin the love. 

 

 

 

 

[DreaMT]

On 7/10/2022 at 9:08 PM, Blessed2 said:

I cannot stand how life has felt like past few days. The traveling has been quite a disappointment. It feels like a mistake. This should have been a wonderful experience. But I have felt just as shit as normally.

 

I feel even quite worthless. Why am I like this? Why have I ruined something that could have been amazing? What is wrong with me? My girlfriend would also have wanted a great trip, but all I've given her is grief, disappointment and now, fear.

 

When I was waiting for this trip, I thought this could be one of those amazing life-changing things. I thought source was with me. I thought this could finally be it, the cathartic uncovering and a new beginning, a new me. But it has been just a disappointment, boring, frustrating. Not at all what I hoped for. Waste of time, even.

 

You would not believe the beauty of this place we are right now. Pretty much a perfect place. Surrounded by forests and mountains. A little cottage, perfect for connecting with nature. But here I am, cannot feel the beauty, not feeling joy, not feeling connected to nature or myself or others. I dreamed of a place like this for years. And this is what I feel?!?!?? Days go by, and it's lost in this shitty feeling.

This hits so hard.

 

"Wherever you go, there you are" -Jon Kabat-Zinn

I truly believe travel is a tool that can put our transformation and inner work on steroids. Everything comes to the surface. Nothing can be run away from anymore. You can't escape yourself anywhere. We often travel at some level to escape ourselves, and project a sort of relief from misery into that future travelling. But wherever we go we notice that nothing fundamentally changes. No outside form or environment can truly change us. 

This can cause a deep, total disappointment. We thought that our problems would go away and our life would get better and change when we travel, but we notice it is not so. Even when we see the most beautiful places and experience amazing things. Wherever we go there we are.

That pain, that total disappointment and frustration is a deep insight and can be a turning point. The mind comes to the undeniable realization that the shifting of the outside forms or the movement into a different environment doesn't provide any relief or lasting solution. Wherever you go there you are. 

BUT

"Wherever you go, there you are" can be seen, with only a slight shift in perception to be the most freeing, the most liberating, the most joyful statement. Can you see why? What you are left with in that disappointment and realization, is that you are always there. Wherever you go, you have always been there along for the ride. You see how you can't leave home? The one place where it all has unfolded? In that, you are left only with what is, in other words, with only what is true. You are totally free to be with the truth that there is nothing but this that is all that is. When you surrender to it, allow it, you see it is what you look for. When you accept that disappointment, there is just what is. The unchanging. Now you don't need to chase anything or go anywhere to see it. And with that, you can truly experience the beauty everywhere. You have the best companion for the journey, which is truth. The truth of what actually is. By giving up all hope, you get to see what is actually in front of you, and paradoxically all you had hoped for will be staring right at you when it is no longer chased after or held on to. And travelling becomes an heart expanding adventure as well.

If you want someone to listen to in addition to the replies here, I personally find listening to some Michael Singer, his podcast perhaps in times like these can be a perfect, gentle yet clear reminder of what you already know in your heart.

 

That has been my experience with travel and how it brings these things to the surface. I sincerely wish this can be of some help. Much love.

Edited July 11, 2022 by DreaMT