blessed journal

[Blessed2]

It's like waves. Sometimes you're uplifted and thriving. And sometimes you're down and nothing gets done. You slip out of diet and eat junk food and drink.

 

I've been down now for some time. Not a lot of willpower to keep on track. Slipping out of diet. Drinking a lot.

 

Can't much but to just keep on breathing. Letting go with each breath. Try to sort out discord.

[Blessed2]

This might be overwhelment.

 

That I'm not really in control. I can just watch discordant thoughts and not get attached. They're doing their thing.

 

Though I'm not just watching... I want to drink again, and probably will. Cause tonight just seems so boring without it. 

 

When I have alcohol, when I know there's the next drink waiting... And I feel it coming up, it feels good. I get excited. Happy. Tasks seem less daunting when there's the next drink. I feel excited to do stuff. Things become more interesting. Stuff that would otherwise be boring. Or I'd feel pessimism.

 

[Blessed2]

I just bought wine but I'm not sure if I want to drink it.

 

I'd like the feeling of excitement and happiness but not the heavy physical feeling which comes.

 

I'd feel ashamed and maybe hurt others around me if I drank.

 

Something shifted though when I expressed earlier today. Something felt different. Not drinking seemed somehow easier... But it's very subtle still.

[Blessed2]

I've wanted to be with so many women

 

Really, cause so many are so attractive

 

I have wanted it, really I have, even though I haven't liked to admit it.

 

And I've felt insecure and unworthy cause they didn't want me.

 

And I've felt shame about who I've been attracted to

 

and how much I've felt attraction

 

as if some of you are lesser than others

 

or lesser than me

 

And I've acted like I don't care,

 

but I do care

 

I've just built walls.

 

There's nothing wrong with any of you

 

You're beautiful and I wanted it so much

 

I'm just a twat

[Blessed2]

I don't know what this feeling is

 

it drives me mad

 

and I fear it will kill me

 

cause it drives me mad. It needs to stop but it won't

 

Can't make it expressed

 

Can't make it out of the system

 

It's infuriating

 

So god damn infuriating no words do justice

[Phil]

It’s love. Yourself. Not the fictitious one (separate self) the disparaging thoughts are about. But, you. 

There isn’t you and feeling, you are feeling… feeling the judgments. 

 

To express / empty… 

The emotions insecurity & unworthiness are experienced….

Vs 

And I've felt insecure and unworthy. (Thought loop)

 

[Blessed2]

Everything I've tried to build crumbles down like a house of cards.

 

Basic life responsibilities, sleep cycle, diet, they all crumble down, burn down

 

I can do nothing about it

[Blessed2]

The emotions experienced are:

 

shame

 

grief

 

powerlessness

 

discouragement

 

doubt

 

disappointment

 

frustration

 

pessimism

 

 

[Blessed2]

I am experiencing the emotion pessimism/boredom.

 

What thoughts and beliefs am I focusing on?

 

That I move in time and feeling better requires time.

 

That what I want isn't coming soon and meanwhile I just gotta wait and try get through it.

 

That it'll take months or years to start getting somewhere.

 

That feeling better is hard and no practice actually helps or brings relief.

 

That I'm a separate self who has ego, selfishness, pride, insecurity, vanity, and manipulates others, acts inauthentically

 

That I have fear and worry and I treat others bad, that I'm not being honest and doing the right thing

 

And it takes time to get over that ego and become better

 

That there is nothing fun today

 

That nothing fun or exciting isn't going to happen

 

That tomorrow will be the same as today, and I'll feel stuck and powerlessness again, and it will not go away

 

That awakening and feeling mystical and shit isn't going to happen soon, and I'll be feeling like this for a long time

 

That I cannot get to higher vibrations, cannot attract things I want to have and experience

 

That I'm stuck in life and things aren't going to get better

 

That I just need to bite the bullet and get through feeling pessimism, worry, doubt, frustration

 

That it's just how it is now, right now

 

That the expression isn't working and the outcome is in doubt

 

I am experiencing the emotion frustration

 

That maybe I'm doing this wrong

 

That maybe I'm just doing it wrong and I'm not good enough, not motivated and willing enough

 

That nothings gonna change and I cannot get to what I want, the people I want

 

That I don't see the emotion, that I don't see with clarity

 

therr was like a moment I saw with clarity the feeling but it went away

 

so now it's gonna be the same feeling and it's not gonna end

 

that I'm waiting for a change, I'm waiting for relief and feeling better

 

I'm here and I'm watching, waiting

 

can't stop waiting

 

that everyones gonna read this and think I'm cringe

 

they're gonna judge me, I'll not be seen as better, no-ones gonna think I'm wise, spiritually developed

 

man do I need to mention it?

 

can't post this if I do. It's too cringe.

 

But yeah, that maybe they're gonna like me and think I'm better if I'm totally open about my ego and cringyness lol which is why I wrote some of that

 

now this is getting ridiculous

 

why did I wrote that?

 

I think if I'm open enough, if I just wrote totally honestly and authentically, I'll feel better. Like some sort of magical uncovering will happen.

 

so still just trying to feel better.

 

maybe no magical uncovering will happen.

 

I can't quit it. It's like everything I write is an attempt to feel better, to fix how I feel, cause I believe expression can do that magically. Or that others are gonna read this and admire me.

 

I can't but do it.

[Blessed2]

I experience feeling of resentment about actuality of being, the emotional scale, and Phil.

 

Sort of like ya'll can't be trusted. I've tried the scale. I've tried watching the videos and expressing and whatnot. Has not been helpful.

 

So I experience this worry or distrust or doubt

 

that ya'll not there for me when I've needed it

 

so I've had to go through it all by myself

 

feels a bit like being angry or disgusted? or like wtf you suck! 

 

sort of how much more despair?? how much more disappointment?

 

probably going to feel the same again later at some point

 

and again despair

 

makes me think if any of it is actually good or just scamming, trying to just hurt me

 

really don't want to feel that despair again cause it sucks

 

maybe I'm being tricked, scammed

 

by evil people

 

who knows? maybe

 

man, am I gonna feel like this now?

 

will it be okay?

 

 

[Blessed2]

The emotion worry is experienced.

 

Thoughts arise:

 

"It's hard to say what I'm feeling"

 

"I'm feeling really weird"

 

I don't know if it's the quitting pills, or a couple of days of loophole shakes, or a bag of pistachios I ate, but just really weird feeling.

 

Like I'm sick or something. Like a bug. But not in the usual way. Weirdness in the body, weird weird weird so weird and uncomfortable

 

And weird thoughts arise. Odd thoughts.

 

Anxiety and worry is experienced.

 

That something is wrong.

 

That something is wrong physically or mentally.

 

 

[Blessed2]

What is this????

[Blessed2]

Feels like an allergy or something. Or like a flu. High temperature. Or inflammation. Also psychological weirdness.

 

It started after eating the pistachios. Maybe they were just bad food?

 

But it also feels like it could be quitting the depression meds.

 

Also I've had my sleep schedule all messed up for some time. Just totally messed up, staying up the night and sleeping during the day. Have not been able to fix it.

 

I'm experiencing frustration and anger.

 

Cause the sleep cycle is so messed up and it seems like it's always so hard for me to get a good sleep. Cause I'm bit of a night owl. It's hard to fall asleep for the night. My mind just races when I try to fall asleep. I HATE IT

 

I HATE IT. Why is my life like this???? Why can't I just have a good sleep cycle? Why can't I just fall asleep easily for the night????? What's wring with this fucking world?

 

 

[Faith]

20 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

But it also feels like it could be quitting the depression meds.

Did you reduce the dosage slowwwwwwwlyyy?

 

Those suckers can cause terrible havoc when coming off of them. 

 

💙

[Blessed2]

58 minutes ago, Faith said:

Did you reduce the dosage slowwwwwwwlyyy?

 

Those suckers can cause terrible havoc when coming off of them. 

 

💙

 

I've been taking half a dose for almost two weeks now... And it is said that these pills can actually be quitted cold turkey.

[Faith]

Half the dose is still half the dose. Meaning your mind/body is trying to get use to the reduced dosage. 

 

I don't think it's advisable to quit them cold turkey seeing how that could cause antidepressant discontinuation syndrome.

 

Reducing a 1/4 of the dose at a time is a bit slower and when it's time to reduce again. I'd get a pill splitter and take a half of the half you have left, but I wouldn't reduce again until you're feeling more stable. 

 

 

[Blessed2]

23 minutes ago, Faith said:

I don't think it's advisable to quit them cold turkey seeing how that could cause antidepressant discontinuation syndrome.

 

The drug I'm taking has super long half-life. I read that it can be done cold turkey from official healthcare info site. But it seems it's not the case for everyone cause I do have some brain-zaps and flu-like feeling.

 

Also I've been taking pills for a long time, a few years, and this isn't the first one. I changed the drug at one point, so yeah it probably takes some time for the body to adjust.

 

Thanks for the advice and the care 🙂 I'll taper off more slowly. Maybe I've been trying to do this too quickly. Been pretty eager to taste the substance-free life.

[Faith]

26 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

The drug I'm taking has super long half-life. I read that it can be done cold turkey from official healthcare info site.

I'm sure you read that, but...Prozac (fluoxetine) has the longest half life I believe of the ssri's (4-6 days) and still 67% of ppl in a trial that did cold turkey had symptoms of serotonin discontinue syndrome. I was also on Prozac back when and had a horrible time getting off it, but after a few attempts finally I did. 

 

33 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

Thanks for the advice and the care 🙂

You betcha, any time! 😊

[Blessed2]

Boredooommmm is being experienced

 

Nothing fun going on. It seems I finally catched the virus. So it's a couple of days rotting at home.

 

Not feeling even like reading. Got a new book but it's no fun to read while sick. Can't focus. It's more fun when you got a sense of new insights etc.

 

So it's probably just looking at a phone screen and maybe a bigger tv screen with some christmas movie.

 

Not feeling like going for parents for christmas. Nothing fun there either. Would just feel the same stuckness and pessimism as here. 

 

Like my whole life is stuck. Nothing fun or good coming. Future seems pretty dim actually. Relationship problems, financial problems, mood problems.

 

I don't like the apartment I'm living at right now.

 

Stuck in this apartment I don't like. Stuck waking up in the morning into a life I don't like.

 

Each breath annoys me. Doesn't help that there's the cough too.

 

Everything in my life annoys me. This suckkksss.

 

I'd just like it to end. To feel different about my life. It's not about what's happening really, it's my thoughts about it. How I'm focusing. What perspectives I'm holding.

 

Would like the perspective to shift.

 

But it seems almost impossible. Like a miracle is needed. A thought appears, that it's not something that happens to me. It seems so real, what I'm thinking, what my life is. Wonderful shifts in perspective happens to other people, not me. Cause I'm too lazy. And everything is a struggle and too hard, I'm not skilled enough.

 

Diet change, quitting nicotine, meditating, I don't have the perseverance.

 

MY LIFE FEELS LIKE CRAP

 

Yeah, I hear it already "it's the thought that feels like crap"

 

Sure, but what then?

 

I've tried changing thought / focus and it never works out.

 

 

[Blessed2]

I want that non-dual awareness.

 

I've had little tastes of it every now and then... And it feels sooooo much better.

 

I don't want to carry this baggage around, these stories and attachments and worries and stress.

 

I wanna just sit and feel unlimited, excited, happy.

 

It feels good when you see even a little bit behind the veil. Everything starts to seem possible. That happiness, success, peace, are possible for me.

 

That maybe I could really be okay and happy, that I could feel joy.

 

And it's so cool and exciting when you see even a bit behind the veil... It's magical. Supernatural. Stuff like clairvoyance etc. Better than sex even, probably. That pure, innocent union.

 

But is it possible for me... Am I lucky enough? To somehow get there.

 

Or am I just too lazy, doomed to suffer through this life?