blessed journal

[Blessed2]

A few days ago I found the book E² by Pam Grout from a library and took it. Kinda got excited an read the first chapter and did the first test. It's almost been the 48 hours and nothing so far.

 

The book made sense. If there was the Source and LoA it could obviously be empirically tested. That's totally reasonable. But it doesn't work. I tried asking for the source to give a sign, something I can't miss, and there was no answer. So it is quite reasonable to just forget the whole thing. I wouldn't want to do so, only because it gives some hope. But the source does not answer.

 

Really kinda angry and disappointed at the whole LoA and Source thing.

 

I don't really want to come even to this forum anymore. It's more like a compulsion. Kinda hoping everything could turn out better if I did it. I really don't want this anymore. I'm just feeling worse rather than better about this whole thing.

 

Really just total disappointment and feeling I'm pretty much done with this whole thing.

[Omelette]

Hey bro, sorry to intrude on your journal, but I relate to some of this...

 

37 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

Really kinda angry and disappointed at the whole LoA and Source thing.

 

made me think... because I am too. I was going to write some posts last night but just ate dinner and went to bed lol. But my thoughts are, maybe the LoA brought me here, me being disappointed as well attracted me to this post.

 

However, I find thinking what I want seems delusional and sets me up for failure, or rather just disappoints me when I don't get it... I get so excited for a few days, weeks, months and nothing happens, nothing manifests and I overall feel worse. Why did I leave my little hermit cave 😂 I'm still not manifesting. It is hard for me to find motivation to do the "right" things when I do them for so long and can't get what I want, even mundane and simple things like just being free from anxiety, relationships, etc.

 

 

41 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

I don't really want to come even to this forum anymore. It's more like a compulsion. Kinda hoping everything could turn out better if I did it. I really don't want this anymore. I'm just feeling worse rather than better about this whole thing.

 

Same, I love the support of the community, and I think the smaller size may play a factor, there is a much higher concentration of high quality posts here compared to  many other internet forums. I hope it stays like this as it continues to grow.

 

Yet I wonder, what am I or anyone else even seeking on here? Looking for the "one post" that will change it all for me, guide me to end suffering... sometimes I read a post that really resonates and gets me excited, but a few days later I feel bad and the post doesn't seem applicable. I also feel compulsively driven to read and interact on here sometimes, for me it is for that reason.

 

I hope we will make it one day 💛

 

 

[Blessed2]

It's been all coming up the past few days. I've been feeling like total shit and just barely getting by. Life feels quite horrible. Can't point out specifically what's wrong but everything just feels bad.

 

Moved to a new city some months ago and it hasn't been at all like I would have liked it to be. Habing trouble hoping things could change for better. Everything hurts. Life doesn't feel good. Can't see a way forward that doesn't feel horrible. It's just so sad.

 

I've been feeling kind of sad for a couple of days, which is a bit unusual for me. Usually suffering for me is just anxious and discouraged and frustrated. But now I've been waking up in the morning or from naps, and felt sad and hopeless. And it doesn't seem to be due to self-referential thoughts. World just seems sad and melancholic. In a way I haven't felt before. Things are stuck. Things are not going anywhere. All the people and trees just are and are not going anywhere. It's sad. Kind of loneliness and death. 

[Blessed2]

What is the point of this writing? It does nothing. I don't think I will ever be free of this. It seems impossible. No matter what I do it persists. 

 

There is just so much discord. I'm so tired of it. It is impossible to go through this all. It's hopeless.

 

It breaks my heart. I can't do it. Nothing helps.

 

There is no hope for me. Just please let me die.

 

Even if I saw through it now it would come back later.

 

 

Edited October 16, 2022 by Blessed2

[Phil]

@Blessed2

I second clean diet. 

 

If you’re experiencing unable to let go, spend a few days in nature. It always does the trick, reflection happens naturally. 🤍

[Blessed2]

40 minutes ago, James is here said:

 @Blessed2Hi, I was reading your posts somewhere else on the site and I thought maybe what you're dealing with could be physiological as well as psychological. I may be wrong but maybe checking out the GAPS diet and Dr. Natasha Campbell McBride could help. Personally I have a gliadin intolerance so I cut out grains, dairy and coffee and the pain in my stomach and a lot of the emotional difficulty went away. I hope that works for you. 

 

Thanks. Though diet stuff makes me feel overwhelment because there is so many different diets and perspectives etc.

 

Cutting out all grains and dairy, maybe even tea sounds doable. Maybe I should give it a try.

 

I remember when I started experiencing stuff like depression, anxiety etc. some years ago, there was at the same time some troubles with gut and digestive health. I intuitively knew these two were connected. But when I started taking antidepressants, the stomach probelms went away. Though I've kept wondering what the gut problem is/was, and if it comes back when I quit the meds.

 

Yeah, sounds like I really do need to take a look at the diet. 😁

 

55 minutes ago, Phil said:

I second clean diet. 

 

Any recommendations / things to watch out for? Other than the loophole shake, I already might be drinking a bit too much of that. 😬

 

59 minutes ago, Phil said:

If you’re experiencing unable to let go, spend a few days in nature. It always does the trick, reflection happens naturally

 

An oracle card said the same earlier today. Seems like time for some nature it is.

[Phil]

9 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

Any recommendations / things to watch out for? Other than the loophole shake, I already might be drinking a bit too much of that. 😬

Generally… vegan, whole foods, less than 50mg of sugar a day, decaf, and not overeating or eating after 7 or 8pm. 

Cutting grains & dairy will be a significant difference and there’ll also be momentum felt with each passing day. 

With those changes the body and brain will be significantly less inflamed and more energy, focus, concentration, clarity and ease happens. 

Mood is also stabilized more / physiological equanimity. 

15 minutes ago, Blessed2 said:

An oracle card said the same earlier today. Seems like time for some nature it is.

Yeah, I was gonna mention that but I didn’t wanna freak ya out. It’s a great time of year for a trip! 

😂 

[Blessed2]

11 hours ago, Phil said:

Generally… vegan, whole foods, less than 50mg of sugar a day, decaf, and not overeating or eating after 7 or 8pm. 

Cutting grains & dairy will be a significant difference and there’ll also be momentum felt with each passing day. 

With those changes the body and brain will be significantly less inflamed and more energy, focus, concentration, clarity and ease happens. 

Mood is also stabilized more / physiological equanimity. 

 

Thanks 🙏 you made me eager to try and see the benefits.

 

11 hours ago, Phil said:

It’s a great time of year for a trip! 

😂

 

Ya know it! 😅

[Phil]

You got this man. You can do this. You can do anything you put your mind to and willingly let any discord like doubt etc go about. 

Have your ‘why’ highly visible and always at the ready. Let that aspect be as easy as is possible. 

https://www.actualityofbeing.com/dreamboard-1

 

Allow thoughts to align with feeling about what you want. Notice when ‘caught up’ in focusing on thoughts about yourself that don’t feel good, and focus instead on that you can and will experience what you want. 

 

Also, understand that source is always emptying us of discord. That’s not a doing that we do, it’s reality by default. It’s always happening. 

https://www.actualityofbeing.com/just-let-source-take-out-the-garbage

 

When the “garbage” (discordant thoughts) come up to be let go - be careful not to focus on the thoughts and ‘get sucked in’. 

Redirect attention on perception, being here now… and on sensation. You’ll always notice the corresponding tensing of the body when discordant thoughts come up to be let go. Relax the body, and allow the up & out of conditioning. Over and over, relax the body. Relax deeply, inwardly. Feel deeply into the relaxation within the body. What you want to be without, is always ‘coming up’ to empty out. Your ‘role’ is allowing it. 

 

[Blessed2]

Thinking I'm sort of stuck

 

Thinking it's impossible

 

Way too far away

 

Feeling impatience

 

Doubt

 

Worry

 

I want it but I think it's really not possible

 

Can't see how it ever could be

 

But I still want it and that's just how it is, how I feel

 

It's just how I feel.

 

I don't know if I could ever go without

 

 

[Phil]

Disappointment?

🤍 

[Blessed2]

2 hours ago, Phil said:

Disappointment?

🤍

 

Yes

 

Things are not how I wanted.

 

I tried and really wanted but it didn't go down.

 

It hurts a bit. Sadness

 

But that's just how it is now. That's just how it is. Disappointing. Sigh

[Phil]

@Blessed2

Overwhelment? 

[Blessed2]

On 10/17/2022 at 2:02 AM, Phil said:

It’s a great time of year for a trip! 

😂

 

Just noticed... Since I'm spending this weekend at family cabin, some time in nature... And the last weeks brought up some pessimism and awareness of it...

 

The little village where this cabin is located, is sort of known for pessimism. It's kind of their thing, their brand. There's even a place literally called "The Pessimism House" with a cafe and a shop selling pessimism shit, like t-shirts, mugs etc. And they have a festival called "Pessimism Day" 😂😂😂 Oh man, universe at it again. Amazing.

 

Edited October 22, 2022 by Blessed2

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 Holy shit. 😂

[Phil]

😂 Your next trip’s gonna be soooooooo boring. 

[Blessed2]

@Mandy @Phil 😆😆

[Blessed2]

It feels like I'm freefalling

 

The truth is my life is not as I'd like and I don't want it

 

It's just how I feel, just how it is now

 

I'm in unfamiliar neighbourhood, with people I don't really know, it's dark and cold

 

I don't know what future brings and how it ends up

 

But it gotta change

 

I can't take it no more I gotta feel feel feel more

 

I breathe

 

Not sure if I can take blame though

[Blessed2]

I don't want to go to school

 

Man I hate it

 

I don't like the people there

 

Even the building disgusts me

 

I thought maybe this could finally be it

 

I'd have it rolling and things working out

 

Friends and plans and eager for future

 

But I don't like it, I gotta be honest

 

It's boring and not a good fit

 

Maybe I won't have a carreer

 

Maybe I'll be nothing

 

Have nothing

 

I don't know man, I just don't want back there

 

It isn't for me

 

--

 

I won't go tomorrow and probably not even day after that

 

And I'll be feeling more shit each passing day

 

Because "Maybe it's my fault, maybe I don't have what it takes"

 

Maybe I should have tried even a bit more

 

What is this feeling?

 

Heartbreak and fear?

 

I want to take a good look at it but it's hard.

 

[Blessed2]

Another day goes by

 

I'm wasting precious time

 

It hurts to admit

 

I'm not feeling good, this is not what I want

 

It breaks my heart what my life has become

 

This is not what I want

 

I fear I'll never get ahead