Graceful Words & Internal Strength

[Reena]

 

Just daily stuff to remember.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 3 by Reena

[Reena]

Add schedule here. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 3 by Reena

[Reena]

I'm generally most uncomfortable in the mornings.

I have to work towards increasing the chemicals in my brain.

 

Next thing I need to do is monitor my water intake.

April 4

 

I rarely drink water and my water intake is not sufficient at all.

I also need to return back to farm work.

 

South India braces for intense heatwaves, with Bengaluru hitting 37.2°C, Telangana facing alerts at 43.5°C, Chennai expecting over 40°C, and Kerala and Andhra Pradesh also preparing for extreme conditions, urging precautions.

Bengaluru experienced its hottest day in three years with temperatures reaching 37.2 degrees Celsius, according to the India Meteorological Department (IMD).

 

Now I understand why my body is reacting so badly to outside temperature. I literally feel like I am being placed in an oven. It's because India is facing it's worst heatwave nightmare.

 

A lot of homeless people are going to die because of excess heat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 3 by Reena

[Reena]

I have been promoted in my farm community because of my hard work and contribution so that's a good thing that happened over the weekend.

 

 

What I like about my face? My lips. Large and luscious. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 4 by Reena

[Reena]

There's an element of vigilance involved in everything. Not everything is going to be the way you want it to be.

Disease is a disease. It's hard to fight medical issues. It is what it is. It's terminal. Some diseases can be cured completely and some can't. No matter what you do, once you have a disease, a healthy state is impossible. You can't live in LaLa land, a mistake that many religious people make. They live in a make believe world where anything is possible, wish upon a star and God will make everything alright. There is no magic in this universe. Do not be misled. Yes you shouldn't be negative. But you shouldn't be falsely optimistic either. There should be a balance between hope, expectation and reality. Hope you must. Expect you should. But always be grounded in reality too. Don't take the reality of a situation for granted. What you are you are, what you have you have. Nothing's gonna change that. To live in a different reality is to live in denial. For example, if you ended up damaging your liver or lungs due to bad habits, you will never have the normal functionality of other healthy humans, you might do slightly better with greater self care, yet you can't completely reverse your damage, it's a disease for a reason. You need your meds. You need care. You are vulnerable. You will never be the same. Some people find it hard to accept that they will never look or be the same past a point. But this is life. No amount of spirituality can fix this.

Your capacity and capabilities will significantly differ from that of a healthy individual and this is bad news. You have to accept the nature of things rather than resist and persist in resisting. You will invite even bigger problems the more you deny your circumstances. If it's bad, let it be bad, it doesn't matter, but try not to let it get worse. When

 

 

Edited April 4 by Reena

[Reena]

I slept off in the middle of writing.

[Reena]

Okay so I slept off again. I can sense something going on with my body. Nightmares kept me awake and caused my sleep to break multiple times. I seriously have PTSD because I keep having flashbacks of my father who passed away long long ago and I cannot forget that event completely and I still get nightmares related to my childhood.

 

[Reena]

There's an element of vigilance involved in everything. Not everything is going to be the way you want it to be.

Disease is a disease. It's hard to fight medical issues. It is what it is. It's terminal. Some diseases can be cured completely and some can't. No matter what you do, once you have a disease, a healthy state is impossible. You can't live in LaLa land, a mistake that many religious people make. They live in a make believe world where anything is possible, wish upon a star and God will make everything alright. There is no magic in this universe. Do not be misled. Yes you shouldn't be negative. But you shouldn't be falsely optimistic either. There should be a balance between hope, expectation and reality. Hope you must. Expect you should. But always be grounded in reality too. Don't take the reality of a situation for granted. What you are you are, what you have you have. Nothing's gonna change that. To live in a different reality is to live in denial. For example, if you ended up damaging your liver or lungs due to bad habits, you will never have the normal functionality of other healthy humans, you might do slightly better with greater self care, yet you can't completely reverse your damage, it's a disease for a reason. You need your meds. You need care. You are vulnerable. You will never be the same. Some people find it hard to accept that they will never look or be the same past a point. But this is life. No amount of spirituality can fix this.

Your capacity and capabilities will significantly differ from that of a healthy individual and this is bad news. You have to accept the nature of things rather than resist and persist in resisting. You will invite even bigger problems the more you deny your circumstances. If it's bad, let it be bad, it doesn't matter, but try not to let it get worse. When you think that everything is cool and perfect, you begin to live in denial. This denial makes you even more vulnerable to future toxicity and thus worsens your condition. In a way it's about leaving false positivity and moving towards truth and wisdom and living in the ground reality of life. It's called ACCEPTANCE.

 

 

Okay so I slept off again. I can sense something going on with my body. Nightmares kept me awake and caused my sleep to break multiple times. I seriously have PTSD because I keep having flashbacks of my father who passed away long long ago and I cannot forget that event completely and I still get nightmares related to my childhood.

 

 

 

I have been promoted in my farm community because of my hard work and contribution so that's a good thing that happened over the weekend.

 

 

What I like about my face? My lips. Large and luscious. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 5 by Reena

[Reena]

 

 

 

 

 

I have decided to make money through other avenues as well. Because of my mental illness it's tough to do a regular job. So this year I'll also focus on work, jobs, career and making money. The market is very tough in India because of over population. There is always someone knowing or doing better than you. So it's hard to keep up. And especially with my medical issues and developmental  disabilities competing in the job market as a 28 year old is not easy. 

It wasn't easy 8 years ago when I gave up working because of the extreme job stress. Working under an Indian boss is a nightmare (read about it on the internet) they literally suck your blood before they pay you, India and working in India can be an exploitative experience. 

I need to get back to farm work in the meantime for some extra cash. 

 

I also want to do dichroic glass art work and sell it. As well as other art work too. I'll be starting a business soon in art sale. I don't know how successful it will be but i need money to survive. So i have to do my best in whatever way I can. I have an MBA degree in Finance from a grade A university. I need to put my credentials to good use. I wasn't confident in getting work because of my mental illness and depression and PTSD. It ravages you like a cancer. I couldn't even get out of bed on most days. 

 

 

When I first came to the forum 7  years ago I could barely type 4 words.. Just hi hello thank you or how are you. I simply could not frame a proper sentence. Writing was extremely frustrating and I desperately wanted a writing career. Then I saw other people writing 4 paragraphs at a time. These were European and American people and I thought to myself - "how can I compete with these people, they  are much better than me? "

Today after consistently working for 7  years and having faith in myself, I kept pushing pushing pushing and finally I got better at writing. Today I can write so much. Today whenever I compose and articulate a paragraph I feel like "I did it. ".... I made it. Today people tell me that I have the potential to become a writer and that brings tears to my eyes. After 7 years of consistent hard work and 37000 posts on Actualized org I finally began to articulate much better. People use to throw shit at me, they would call me an attention seeker and what not, but I decided to bypass their negativity. It doesn't matter what someone thinks. You gotta believe what you believe and keep pushing to your passion. Let people say anything they want. They can only judge. You know yourself better than anyone and it will always be this way. Your inspiration has to come from within and not without. 

 

 

I also have to update my blog and Facebook. 

 

 

I also need to spend quality time with my niece. 

 

 

 

I need to look for a new job Or source of income. 

 

 

 

 

Drink water reminder. I don't drink enough water. 

 

 

I need to be doing art work. 

 

 

 

 

 

I have to update Facebook

 

 

 

I should write at least one GRACEFUL SENTENCE everyday. 

 

 

 

I have to attend to farm work. 

 

 

 

I have paid the most recent bill of my house successfully out of my savings. 

 

 

I have to wait for a table and chair so I can start volunteering counselling services for underprivileged children in India and Africa and also teach them English. Today I'll be receiving a table and chair. This is necessary for video conferencing for my volunteer work. 

 

 

 

I need to make new friends and then socialize offline and make some friends on Facebook as well. I'll create my own community of like minded people who are interested in art and spiritual work. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I need to start heavy duty journaling. 

 

 

 

 

I need to invest in self care. Because I suck at it especially when I'm totally engrossed in work. 

 

 

I have to take frequent breaks from work to bring back focus on myself and self care. 

 

 

 

I want to look good and youthful. The age of 30 can feel like a death sentence. I already feel old even when I'm 28. But I'm approaching 30 fairly quickly. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My medical issues can take my life any time. I'll compose short letters and wise quotes for my niece to inspire her to be wiser in life. 

 

 

 

 

I need to write prayers and quotes. 

 

 

I need to manifest money. 

 

 

My sister is facing financial issues off late. 

 

 

 

 

 

I need to eat fruits and begin to eat healthy and pay attention to my body. 

 

 

I need to start doing yoga. I bought a yoga mat for that purpose. 

 

 

 

 

I need to work on LOA, and emotional guidance scale, emotional mastery, manifestation work and

 

 

 

 

I need to look for advance journaling options. 

 

 

 

 

I have to pay attention to my mom's health and re-evaluate my relationship with her. 

 

 

 

 

I need to work on my procrastination habit. 

No putting off stuff. 

 

 

 

I need to focus on my appearance from now on. 

 

 

 

I need to organise stuff that hasn't been organized. Pending work. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 5 by Reena

[Reena]

 

 

 

I need to work on my mental illness type A and type B and other developmental disabilities/disorders.

 

 

 

I need to work on my makeup skills. 

 

 

 

 

I need to carefully draft a proper shopping list so I don't lose too much money and I'm able to save money. 

 

 

 

 

I need to focus on art work and look for a new job. 

 

 

 

I need to work on my spiritual side. 

 

 

 

 

Write passwords. 

 

 

Note down my mom's insulin timings. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 5 by Reena

[Reena]

There's simply no break in my life. Just work work work work work. It stresses me out. I wish I could afford vacations every few months. 

 

 

This woman is being an angel right now to me. Awesome. Love ya. 

 

 

I'm obsessed with this song. It has become my lifeline. 

 

 

 

Edited April 5 by Reena

[Reena]

 

 

 

Vlog of the week 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My mentors. 

Masterclass of the week.

Education of the week. 

Action plan of the week. 

Action of the week. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 5 by Reena

[Reena]

I have decided to reward myself with gems everyday. Little gem pictures. I'll imagine that I'm gifting myself gems just to motivate myself to work harder and achieve my goals. 

                     

 

                

 

Meditating on top of mountain. 

 

                                             

                                         

 

 

Chrysoberyl 

 

 

Pink spinel 

 

 

 

 

Red jasper 

 

Gifting myself a ruby.

 

 

Edited April 5 by Reena

[Reena]

Names of gemstones.

 

 

 

 

 

A

 

Moss agate 

White agate 

Blue lace agate / blue chalcedony/sapphirine

Alexandrite

 

Amazonite

Amethyst 

 

Ametrine (trystine/Bolivianite) 

 

Aqamarine/beryl 

Aquamarine / blue beryl 

Aventurine

 

Angelite 

 

Aragonite 

 

 

B

 

 

 

 

 

C

 

 

Carnelian (sard) 

 

Charoite

Citrine

Orange Calcite 

 

 

 

 

D

Diamond

Dalmatian stone

 

 

E

 

Emerald

 

 

F

 

Fluorite

 

 

G

 

Garnet 

Almandine garnet 

Spessartine garnet 

 

Goldstone

 

 

H

 

Howlite

Blue howlite/ turquenite 

 

Hematite / haematite 

 

Heliotrope /bloodstone 

 

 

I 

 

Iolite 

 

 

J

 

 

Red jasper 

Ocean jasper 

Fabric jasper 

Flower jasper 

Leopardskin jasper 

Fancy jasper 

Dalmatian jasper 

 

 

 

 

 

Jade 

 

K

 

Kyanite 

 

 

 

 

L

Lepidolite 

 

Lapis Lazuli 

 

Labradorite 

 

Larimar

 

Lodestone 

 

 

M

Malachite

 

 

Mystic Topaz 

 

 

 

Moonstone 

Rainbow moonstone 

Black moonstone 

 

 

N

 

 

Nuummite

 

 

O

 

 

 

Black Obsidian 

Snowflake obsidian 

Mahogany obsidian 

Apache obsidian 

 

 

Opalite

Opal

Green opal 

Pink opal 

 

 

 

Black Onyx 

 

 

P

 

 

Peridot

 

Pearl

 

 

Q

 

Rose quartz 

Smoky quartz (morion) 

Clear quartz 

 

 

R

 

 

Ruby

Rhodonite

 

 

 

S

 

 

 

 

Sapphire

Serpentine

 

 

 

 

T

 

 

Tiger eye 

 

Tourmaline 

Black tourmaline 

Topaz

 

Turquoise 

 

 

 

U

Unakite 

 

V

 

 

W

 

 

X

 

 

Y

 

 

 

 

Z

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 6 by Reena

[Reena]

Covert bullies. Best example.

[Reena]

Just finished a zoom meeting with my mental health group that comprised of patients and doctors. 

[Reena]

Common gemstones

 

Amethyst

Topaz

Citrine 

Emerald 

Ruby

Peridot 

Opal 

Quartz 

Onyx

Sapphire 

Garnet 

Aquamarine

Diamond

Pearl 

Turquoise

Tourmaline 

Agate 

Moonstone 

Hessonite

Cat's eye 

 

[Reena]

Gift center. 

Today I gift myself 3 Amethyst stones and 2 pink spinel stones because I completed some tasks. 

 

[Reena]

 

 

Grateful if you read the whole story.

 

So this is about my mom and the final closure I'm looking for on the chapter of my life. It's not going to be easy reading this so I'm already sounding a trigger warning. My mom was terrible with me when I was a kid. She would verbally, emotionally and physically abuse me as a child. On one occasion she sexually abused me as well. Her behavior caused me tremendous childhood trauma that turned into CPTSD when I turned into an adult. She abused my dad in the most terrible ways, treating him like a slave most of her life and he died early (I still maintain that his death was brought on early because of her behavior being a precursor to worsening his health leading to premature death). Me and my sister went through parentification (you can look that up). Patrick Teahan talks extensively on the subject matter of abusive parenting. I developed intense disdain for her growing up. Over the years of living with her my emotions fluctuated massively between extreme hate and disgust to understanding and forgiveness but I still don't feel I can be very forgiving to her. I'm usually a very forgiving person but forgiving her seems like a lot harder than I thought it would. Because the subject matter of my dad is such a sensitive topic. She was and is toxic, abusive, controlling and shows signs of narcissistic behavior. Only very recently I received some closure on why I suffered so much under her influence. Since she is old now and I'm approaching my 30s and I'll be getting older with time, and coupled with her self destructive tendencies and medical issues she will not be surviving much longer, even her doctors say that. If I have to care for her in these dying years, it would be a terrible thing for me because everyday is a huge struggle, she can act maniacal and get violent. She is very unpredictable and senile. She is diagnosed with bipolar type 2, hypermanic condition and OCD. I live with her out of compassion. I can leave her in a heartbeat and go live with my sister but I don't want to leave her alone in her dying years. I will be her only caretaker during her last years and I have been the only person who accompanied her medical visits each time. My sister promises me that she will be caring for my mother but if that is the case then I'll feel like a huge burden was lifted off my shoulders. Yet I can't trust my sister entirely because she terminated my father's medical treatment and that single event is the major cause of my emotional trauma symptoms. So I really don't know how much truth lies in her words. Anyway.

My primary concern at this point is regarding guilt and morality. I'm being selfish here and I'm aware of that. Rather unashamedly. I don't want to care too much about my mom. I'm just being real and honest. Although deep down as a daughter I do have compassion for her, that compassion is only because she is my mom and nothing else. I will care for her in the best manner possible, to the best of my ability. That's a 100%. But my concern is what happens when she dies. Let's say she dies suddenly (given her medical history that's a possibility). Will I go through intense emotional turmoil upon her passing? My problem is that I don't want to suffer any guilt over her death if an event as such arises. I don't want to feel love for her. I'll be cold as ice. I don't find this selfish, it's just the most natural response, even a fitting one given how I felt about the way my dad was treated. I don't want to grieve her death. I don't want to force myself to feel sorry for her. I just want to do my duty as a family member, take care of her when she needs my help and support, give her meds on time, take care of her needs like a nurse for the elderly at the hospital and when the time comes, cremate her and just be done with it and never look back. I don't want to carry the guilt of not being able to love her or sympathize with her. It's a moral-emotional conflict for me. I can forgive her but I don't feel like loving her or showing any affection.

 

My question is - how should I avoid feeling guilty? I don't want this feeling of shame of being someone who is cold and unloving. Because I want to be authentic.. I have never been fake. I have never faked my emotions. I have done whatever my heart tells me to do. The society and people in my neighborhood will call me a cold daughter. I myself might suffer some guilt for harboring hate towards her. I can't love her. It's just an impossible task for me. At the same time loving her feels toxic and unhealthy. As though I'm bending backwards over my moral principles and well being. Again I might be very selfish here, yet I don't feel bad about being selfish since everyone is entitled to how they feel and what they want. Loving her means constantly obeying her toxic control which I don't like. I don't want to extend my love to someone/something that doesn't feel right to me (basic boundary violation). Yes I know she wasn't a perfect mother. And I can forgive her on those grounds. Still it's tough for me to feel kindly towards her after all the history of childhood I have with her.

I don't want to feel kindly and I also don't want the guilt of being cold to her during her last years. It's an emotional turmoil I think about everyday.

Any idea on how to deal with this emotional moral conflict, discord, whatever name you call it?

I'm having a hard time with these thoughts /scenarios and I want a closure. Or maybe I shouldn't look for a closure???

[Reena]

I'm looking for a solution that's multi pronged.

 

- I don't want to feel guilty

 

- I want to reserve my authenticity. I don't want to be diplomatic or tactful. I don't want to compromise my authentic emotion. I don't want to be pretentious. The solution should not make me feel like I have to pretend for a favorable outcome.

 

 

- I want a solution that is meaningful, resonating, emotionally substantial and has substance to it.. Like a powerful idea.

 

- it should kill two birds with one stone. That is, it should deal with two contrasting situations at the same time and serve as a dual solution

 

- it should be an  unobvious solution.

 

- it is sensitive to my honesty rather than judgemental.

 

- it should take into consideration that I'm neurodivergent.

 

 

Edited April 6 by Reena