Emotion Identification Journal

[Reena]

I'm home alone. And that adds to my nervousness. I feel vulnerable if I have to sleep alone. I bought a teddy last month to feel better. And those animal sounds terrified me.

Edited March 20 by Reena

[Reena]

If you are a parent, make sure you hug your children everyday without fail.

My dad used to be busy with work growing up so I can't blame him. My mom used to neglect me for hours. She would never hug me. She had a habit of abandoning me.

 

My dad got me a small white teddy soft toy and that teddy was my only friend growing up. I used to talk to that teddy for 7 years until I was 14 years old.

 

At the time I finally began to understand that the teddy is a teddy and not a human being and I abandoned it.

 

At the same time my dad got me a cat as a birthday gift.

 

I finally began to talk to people when I was 14 years old.

My cat was murdered by a teen boy in my neighborhood within just two months of having her and then I collapsed into a deep depression for 3 years until I was 18.

 

After that I never got a pet. I blamed myself for the death of my cat.

 

My upbringing was removed from any source of human affection or bonding and I developed very abnormally. I began to suffer intense emotions, throwing things, banging doors, listening to raging music, eating anything or not eating at all, followed by self harm and feeling worthless. Not able to make friends, feeling extremely shy and nervous and angry when provoked. And then a long list of boyfriends to feel adequate.

 

I ran away from home a couple of times because my mom would get violent and take out her marital frustration on me.

One day my sister rescued me because I was gone missing from home for a very long time.

 

It was all a huge disaster coping with.

 

I would do anything for human affection in those days, even degrade myself.

 

 

 

[Reena]

Learn to disconnect. Learn to not let it impact me every day.

 

I feel like I should be surrounded by angel like people who care about me. Who tell me gentle things. Who empower me. Who have my back.

 

 

 

 

Learn how trauma works.

 

 

 

Edited March 20 by Reena

[Reena]

 

The psychiatric appointment was canceled.

 

[Reena]

And I want to fall in love with a man who is lost, drinks everyday, is fun and never gets angry.

[Reena]

When I say I like dominating men, these are the kind of men I talk about.

I have learned that I have a type. Skinny, tall, blonde haired, olive skin,emerald eyed, long face, critical, logical and dominant and a bit tyrant. I'm developing a huge crush on this guy called Goatis, he has a YouTube channel and his has lot of similarity to Benton. I like this guy. That's the kind of a boyfriend I want.

 

His name is Gatis Lagzdiņš.

[Reena]

I want to imagine having a boyfriend like that. I don't know why that's so satisfying.

[Reena]

There's nothing like a draw. It is what it is. What attracted me to him was communication. He was a bit controlling and I liked that. He had a way like - "you're my gf, you shouldn't do this." i think when a guy tells you what not to do, he is trying to assert dominance. He wants to see how far he can go with it. Basically he wants leverage. I didn't mind and I gave him ample of leverage. Sometimes I interrupted him too. He did not appreciate me resenting his drug use. So I gave the green signal. Early on it was  decided that things would be his way. He wasn't a bad boy. But he was still dominating. He did give me a sense of security. Basic security. Like he wouldn't call me words. I had my space.

 

[A Tim]

2 hours ago, Reena said:

I want to imagine having a boyfriend like that. I don't know why that's so satisfying.

I want to imagine having a problem. 

 

Nay, not just one problem; like, loads of problems. Problems too numerous to count and apparently insurmountable. 

 

I think I'll sprinkle in other people who also create problems for me. That should do the trick. 

 

Now - let's play!

[Reena]

35 minutes ago, A Tim said:

I want to imagine having a problem. 

 

Nay, not just one problem; like, loads of problems. Problems too numerous to count and apparently insurmountable. 

 

I think I'll sprinkle in other people who also create problems for me. That should do the trick. 

 

Now - let's play!

I'm not interested in you. Apologies.

 

[Reena]

This guy  slays.

 

 

[A Tim]

4 minutes ago, Reena said:

I'm not interested in you. Apologies.

 

No worries. I just see you spewing all over yourself and I was offering a bucket or to hold your hair back. Shake it up a little. 

 

Be at peace. It's accessible. 

[Reena]

Fire in my eyes.

 

[Reena]

So I did 10 min walking today and I felt better

 

[Reena]

I imagine having a boyfriend. I'll call him Daniel.

 

[Reena]

I imagine Daniel doing everything for me..

[Reena]

I have moved on from unhealthy rape attachments to healthy sex attachments.

 

 

I finally understand those rape dreams

 

 

 

I'm no longer attached to unhealthy things to feel worthy

 

 

I can feel worthy and wanted even through healthy things

 

 

The rape dreams were a way to feel wanted through rape and captivity.

 

 

 

 

 

[Reena]

 

Daniel will put me to sleep. The way a parent does. Unfortunately because of my fucked up relationship with parents and this deep hope,I act fucked up and I can't help looking for a parent in a boyfriend.

 

It has to be this way. For me to feel better about my crappy past.

 

[Reena]

 

 

[Reena]

We create a loving environment....... And then you hate me