What is this?

[Agape]

I have no idea what this is. Are any of you real? No offence, I don't mean that in a psychological sense. I'm sure you're authentic and true. But what the hell is this? I question what I assume is true. I like this lady, but, I don't think she likes me. These thoughts occurred to me where I could just leave.  I could just go. I am tired of trying. I am tired of trying to be someone. I have so much love to give. And I can feel so much pain. I do struggle with cravings for using. What is God? I think I am the epitome of a Scorpio.  But that's me. I'm not trying to be that. I'm super intense. But if anyone hurts someone I care about I'll fucking go for them. I'm ridiculously loyal. To me it's not ridiculous though. It's just what you're supposed to do. Or what I'm supposed to do. I just want to be alright for her. I really like this lady. This gal.  But I don't think she likes me. I'm genuinely considering just leaving. I'm tired of feeling controlled. Like, I have all these rules. I couldn't be a banker or work in retail. I have a certain IQ but it's stupid because I'm pretty fucking retarded. I can't do anything. Fuck it, I tried. I told her I liked her. If she doesn't wan't me then I'm out. I've been in this room for months a d I feel like absolute shit with these damn emotions.  I'm tired of the world. I just hope some predatory psychopathic fuck doesn't rape me or fuck me up.  I suppose that's the risk.  Fuck, I hope she likes me. Then I can stay for a while. To be in love again.  I really want to feel that again. 

[Phil]

@Agape

No worries at all! You are loved! 27 years of marriage will make a man virtually bully-proof. 😅 

 

You can introspect, same as the rest of us. There’s narcissism, yet no narcissist, same as the rest of us. You can not help yourself because you are yourself, same as the rest of us. There is victimization, yet there is no victim, same as the rest of us. You are unfettered of innocently created beliefs, same as the rest of us. It’s an extremely emotionally challenging undergoing, same as the rest of us. I’m well, thanks, and helping no one, same as the rest of us. 

[Mandy]

@Agape It's ok. You could turn your issues into an identity or go directly to what you want.

 

What do you want? How do you you want to feel? How do you want to interact with people? 

[Joseph Maynor]

3 hours ago, Agape said:

@Phil, I can only project. I am really sorry for everything I wrote. Maybe no one cares. I hope they don't. Writing for other people, counselling, expressing myself to other people doesn't help me because, I realised from journalling and meditating - I am a covert narcissist. I'm so sorry. I was playing the victim but I was trying to bully you. I'm really sorry. I hope that was apparent to everyone. I'm genuinely sorry and hope you're well and that you help people. 

 

Sorry, @Mandy as well. 

 

I know you're not a narcissist because narcissists don't apologize even if they're under duress.

[Mandy]

11 minutes ago, Agape said:

The movie 'Atonement' is really important to me. That line, "to live without shame". The whole movie. It's one of those movies where I remember where I was when I first watched it. I want to live a life without shame. Thanks for your message. 

❤️

 

What do you want to live with? 

[Phil]

@Agape

🙏🏼 

Put diet & well-being first. 

[Mandy]

@Agape Did you try the stuff I suggested in email? How did it go? 

[Phil]

@Agape

‘I keep failing’ is a pretty rough interpretation. Sounds like ‘beating up on yourself’ 🫤

’Connecting the dots’ is much easier. Like if I was having trouble thinking straight, and was drinking energy drinks, I would connect those dots, making it easier to see I’m neither failing nor succeeding, just want to drink something else. 

 

It’s the alignment of thought with feeling which results in the desired change… and not the actions as it may seem. The alignment of thought with feeling precedes the actions & behaviors. 

 

It’s very tricky in that based on observation, or the outer - it would seem alignment is the result of actions & behaviors. 

 

‘I keep failing’ is a discordant thought. Then the drink is reached for to feel better. The action follows the discord. 

‘I am responsible for what I drink’ for example is not self-disparaging, and is empowering, aligned, and results in the desired action. 

[Phil]

@Agape

One of the most powerful phases is ‘whereas before __________; now, ____________’

So say you and so shall it be. 

🙂

 

[Phil]

@Agape

The first step of liberation is the acknowledgment of suffering. 

If you do, you are free.

If you don’t, you are free.

[Phil]

2 minutes ago, Agape said:

@Phil I'll get there. I will. I believe I will get to where I want to be. Things will get better. 

This not enough?

[Joseph Maynor]

2 hours ago, Agape said:

Father          -      System 1 (Fast) Thoughts

Son                 -      System 2 (Slow) Thoughts

Holy Spirit  -     Consciousness 

Mother, Wife- Energy (Emotions, Sensations and Senses) 

 

Masculine is structure. Feminine is content. 

 

Nice.  Keep following your own guidance as well as integrating others' guidance.

[Robed Mystic]

On 2/18/2024 at 2:10 AM, Agape said:

I have no idea what this is. Are any of you real? No offence, I don't mean that in a psychological sense. I'm sure you're authentic and true. But what the hell is this? I question what I assume is true. I like this lady, but, I don't think she likes me. These thoughts occurred to me where I could just leave.  I could just go. I am tired of trying. I am tired of trying to be someone. I have so much love to give. And I can feel so much pain. I do struggle with cravings for using. What is God? I think I am the epitome of a Scorpio.  But that's me. I'm not trying to be that. I'm super intense. But if anyone hurts someone I care about I'll fucking go for them. I'm ridiculously loyal. To me it's not ridiculous though. It's just what you're supposed to do. Or what I'm supposed to do. I just want to be alright for her. I really like this lady. This gal.  But I don't think she likes me. I'm genuinely considering just leaving. I'm tired of feeling controlled. Like, I have all these rules. I couldn't be a banker or work in retail. I have a certain IQ but it's stupid because I'm pretty fucking retarded. I can't do anything. Fuck it, I tried. I told her I liked her. If she doesn't wan't me then I'm out. I've been in this room for months a d I feel like absolute shit with these damn emotions.  I'm tired of the world. I just hope some predatory psychopathic fuck doesn't rape me or fuck me up.  I suppose that's the risk.  Fuck, I hope she likes me. Then I can stay for a while. To be in love again.  I really want to feel that again. 

That's a lot of emotions all wrapped up in one.  You wear your soul on your sleeve.  That's you in a nutshell.

 

And you know what?  Your awesome dude.  You are absolutely awesome.  All of you.  All of the pain, and all of the love.  Just channel it.

Channel it into someting positive.  

 

You can do anything in life you want, you have all of the ability and all of the intelligence  But its totally up to you.  You can waste it all too if thats what you want to do.  But i dont think that's what you want to do.   Get up off your ass and do something with your life - because you are worth it and you are capable.   So now all there is left is to do it.  And if you don't want to, that's OK too.  But that was your choice.

Edited February 28 by Robed Mystic

[Robed Mystic]

On 2/18/2024 at 2:10 AM, Agape said:

I have no idea what this is. Are any of you real? No offence, I don't mean that in a psychological sense. I'm sure you're authentic and true. But what the hell is this? I question what I assume is true. I like this lady, but, I don't think she likes me. These thoughts occurred to me where I could just leave.  I could just go. I am tired of trying. I am tired of trying to be someone. I have so much love to give. And I can feel so much pain. I do struggle with cravings for using. What is God? I think I am the epitome of a Scorpio.  But that's me. I'm not trying to be that. I'm super intense. But if anyone hurts someone I care about I'll fucking go for them. I'm ridiculously loyal. To me it's not ridiculous though. It's just what you're supposed to do. Or what I'm supposed to do. I just want to be alright for her. I really like this lady. This gal.  But I don't think she likes me. I'm genuinely considering just leaving. I'm tired of feeling controlled. Like, I have all these rules. I couldn't be a banker or work in retail. I have a certain IQ but it's stupid because I'm pretty fucking retarded. I can't do anything. Fuck it, I tried. I told her I liked her. If she doesn't wan't me then I'm out. I've been in this room for months a d I feel like absolute shit with these damn emotions.  I'm tired of the world. I just hope some predatory psychopathic fuck doesn't rape me or fuck me up.  I suppose that's the risk.  Fuck, I hope she likes me. Then I can stay for a while. To be in love again.  I really want to feel that again. 

By the way my last response was not metaphysical, so lets talk metaphysics or spirituality.  What is this?  This is a dream.  Your mind is creating all of it.

You are God fabricating everything, and you have made it so real because you incarnated into a phyiscal body - or i should say, you made it seem with Conscisouness that reality is physical - that you could incarnate into a body.  But in reality its just all Mind. You are fooled into thinking its physical because Consicousness is so powerful, powerful enough to literally imagine it is being a physical body - and then being infite enough to where you could feel it.

Edited February 28 by Robed Mystic

[Robed Mystic]

16 minutes ago, Agape said:

The idea that things should not have been and should not be so is torture. Trying to hurt other people is torture. Trying to be someone is torture. How to be at the center and stay still while the winds lash and whip? How to be without pressing, pushing, tugging? When I intend to hurt other people God lashes me. He beats me until I stop doing that. The idea things ought not to be how they are is presuming to know something more than I am capable of knowing. What do I know? She is here. She can only be pointed at. She was always here. She is light in light and darkness in darkness. She is the sting of the whip. He is the one whipping. And I am here. But to understand that He will beat me into a corner or extract me from this world, although frightening, helps by seeing what is. To be kind to Her is to be kind to this body, other bodies. I guess these words don't matter. They're my ideas. But seeing that I am beneath the Father and that He is in control is reality is a point of entry into treating people better. I don't need to torture myself. He will do that as He sees fit, for Her. I love Her. Speaking of Her feels ugly, contrived, egoic and blasphemous. 

The wind and the storm will come in phases.  Because God just gets pissed the heck off.   He can't just have calmness.  He needs chaos.  Don't you know that by now?  All of your posts are very chaotic, so you should know.

If it weren't for chaos, you would not even exist..  Its chaos that stuff works when it works, and it's chaos when stuff doesn't work.

 

Its all chaos.  So now that you know God's biggest secret, how will you behave?  Chaotic ? 🙂

 

[Mandy]

12 minutes ago, Agape said:

And the carpet in my room stinks no matter what the fuck I spray on it to clean it. I've put enough chemicals on it to make it clean to eat off. But it's not clean.

This is symbolic, take a different approach with your journaling then. Rather than explaining and layering onto the crappy situation, question it. Question every sentence and every thought. If it feels bad, it stinks, that's your first clue. Don't just layer on other stinky chemicals. 

[Phil]

@Agape

This kinda sorta has a ring to it like you’re about to do something really dumb and ruin your life, and maybe others as well. If so, definitely don’t do that. 

 

14 minutes ago, Agape said:

poison me, hit me, rape me

If any of this stuff is actually happening, gather whatever evidence you can / have, and report it to the police. 

 

Express fear and rage and any other emotions felt but - don’t act on it. 

 

I love you, you are loved, you’re ok - breathe, relax & ground, this too shall pass. 

[Phil]

@Agape

Glad to hear that, thanks and much love. 

The feeling of being overwhelment could be expressed as an emotion… overwhelment. 

The distinction between pain & suffering is liberating, but I digress. 

[A Tim]

On 3/8/2024 at 3:33 PM, Agape said:

It's simpler than I think.

This is amazing. 

[A Tim]

On 3/25/2024 at 11:16 AM, Agape said:

Most people don't want what the word God points to... There's no juice in the truth. There's no hierarchy, no us and them.

Also amazing! I love this. How exciting! How terribly freeing!

 

Can it even be wanted? Who would want it? The truth is so disappointing in a way, so we just keep looking. 'Round and 'round we go. 

 

"Why so serious?" -- The Joker