Agape

I hate it. I wish it would stop. I wish I could be free of it. Gang-stalkers are slippery creepy liars. I hate them. I try to be alright. I used to try and say the right things in the hopes that they would leave me be. They mock whatever I say or do that stands out. They just play games with me. It's Hell. I don't really care what they think of me. It's just about survival. It's just about not getting sectioned or put in an institution or prison. I wish they would back off. If I go outside, they go outside. I went out to meet my friend to vape. And then four of them walked out 2 minutes later and stood around smoking. And one just gives me the creeps. He always has the same expression on his face. He smiles and looks through me. I don't value their opinions or feelings. I don't like them. They are slippery eels. They're bland and fake and creepy. It's bad acting. And I can't call the police or get enough money to leave and go somewhere else. And I don't know where I could go to get away from them. The emotional toll is awful. I'm in agony all the time because of them. I don't respect them. I don't want anything to do with them. They're the creepiest people and I wish they would leave me alone.

I was listening to a song from a Jamaican artist. I hear it now and I still like it but the lyrics are hateful towards gay people. I thought about what these people who stalk me must believe about me to justify their actions. I can only infer, but based on the topic du jour - tolerance, I guess they think I am racist, homophobic, etc. I've had a stranger back home shout at me calling me a "white cunt". Apologies for the language. It's a horrible feeling. But life goes on. And most people are cool. I was thinking about it and it seems the far left are tolerant. The flaw is that the further left you go you start to tolerate intolerance. And the far right are intolerant. But they're so far right that they are intolerant of tolerance. I think I hover around the center and so I really dislike the far left and the far right. Listening to that song I can listen to it and like it because I just like it. But I can also see it through the lens of Western developed culture, and then it's shocking and horrible. But then I remembered Leviticus. I can buy VAT free Bibles that contain the line, "If a man lies with a man, then kill him". I have a copy of the Bible in my room. The largest religion in the world contains hateful and horrible instruction. But do you centralise and control away hate? Or do you have a conversation about it in a nonviolent way? I used to hear about gay Jamaicans being granted asylum in the UK. I feel like I live in a country, which I am grateful to be in, apart from the stalking, where I have to be overt, explicit and prostrating in the language of tolerance. That I am guilty until proven innocent. I still enjoy the song. But I disagree with it's focal point - hatred towards gay people. The far right would cry freedom, and the far left would cry, inclusion. I think that's why they both hate people between them. They feel comfortable seeing the extreme from afar. They know that enemy. But the center is grey, amorphous, open. The center asks too many questions, and that ruins the punchline. I grew up in the Caribbean and it's a different culture. So I think because I am irreverent and joke about things and forage for ideas in the grey, and I reckon gang-stalkers are far left, they persecute me. I'll criticise religion and listen to people who spout hate. But I don't agree with all they say. And I agree with the things I like in the Bible. I must have the profile of someone they want to fuck with. It's a sad irony that gang-stalkers are the intolerant ones. Because they tolerate intolerance as long as it fits, as long as it makes sense to them, like if it's from certain people. Really the far left and far right are more similar than they are with the center. So they make out that I am some kind of enemy so they can be cool with psychologically torturing someone who never did anything terrible. I've spent years with the diagnosis of Paranoid Schizophrenia and the pain of trying to reconcile that with knowing that it scares and confuses regular people. Psychic numbing works quite well in conjunction with dehumanising someone. So, I presume that's what they have done with me. I don't hate any group, well, apart from gang-stalkers. I hate them. But I'll listen to that song and I'll read from the Bible and I'll criticise both. But pigeonholing everything into oblivion is too centralised. The gang-stalkers could have saved all the money they've spent on me and just had nonviolent conversations instead. But that's not fun. That's not their 'playing'. Psychologically, they probably have all the gear for that, but they are not any further along than I am. So I'll be talking to a white gang-stalker and he dropped the 'N-bomb' and when I looked uncomfortable he accused me of being politically correct. But in their world, they can have a white guy use a racial slur, and that's fine. But how many of them, I infer, really believe I am racist, transphobic, etc? I tried so hard to talk and act to make the gang-stalking stop. But they just mocked that as well. Whoever they are, whatever they believe, I don't like them. I don't like any of them. They hurt me every day. And everyone thinks I am crazy. So I carry on as best I can. I tend not to tell anyone about gang-stalking because it will just confuse and frighten them. My support worker, doctor, A&E and the local CMHT have heard it from me. I guess it's ironic - the gang-stalkers are the crazy ones. And they will never get out of me what they think I have, which is exactly nothing. I have no money, power, status, influence, valuable possessions. And they will mock me for what I am writing here. There is no consolation prize for being gang-stalked. There will never be closure for me, they will never be brought to light in a court room, the media will never talk about it. I just have to live like this. I'm at an age now where 20 year olds look like children now. And it's very odd to be gang-stalked by children.

Going to the supermarket has been a pain ever since I got out of rehab. For weeks, no matter what day or time I went someone would walk in front of me through the little security gates. It wasn't busy this morning. But the weirdness was still happening. For the first time in weeks, there was no one in front of me. But there was weirdness in the aisles, always with people who had no basket or nothing in their trollies. On the way out two different people walked straight in front of me. Weirdness happens all the way there and back. Any one event would irritate anybody. It's cryptic weird things people say, doing my habits, walking like me but in an exaggerated way. But all that is pointing to it being so very many people and they are around. Cars racing around, the loudest motorbikes revving up, people who know where I am all the time. And they're out there waiting for me to do anything. They're on buses and walking down the street. It is ridiculous. And it's fucked, because nobody believes me. So I am alone in this. The weird e-mails, texts and random numbers calling me that I don't answer. And maybe there will never be closure. Maybe no one will ever believe me. And I'll die and maybe that will be it. It's disconnection. I read this article with someone trying to explain why it is wrong to believe that God hates you. It was so stupid, the explanations for why that isn't so. I've listened to crap before where people think they have suffered but I can see how blind they are to it. They were never really burned, or they forgot completely how bad it was.

They're doing their Havana Syndrome shit again. I hate it. I guess that's going to be a thing. I'm so tired. I wish it could have been different. I really wish it could have been different. They persecute me. And then if I react or don't react they persecute me more for either way I respond. There's not a lot I can do.

I feel this stress from believing I am somebody. I think, I could let that belief go. But then I feel like a coward who took the easy way out. It's like I want to punish myself for all the bad things I've said and done. As stupid as this is, I'm scared to not suffer. I want freedom, but I feel all this pain for how I hurt people. This girl I am friends with, I think I'm hurting her because she likes me. She flirts with me and says cues for me to initiate more. She says she's cool with it. I guess it's not what people call friendship. It's a contrived version of it. But if I cut her out then that will hurt her. And if I spend as much time with her as possible that'll be bad too. But, a dry house is a lonely place. Half the rooms have people coming and going. And the rest are, I don't know. They're not all people I can be friends with. I mean, I don't have any more than 1 friend here. I know about pain from being in love and it can't go anywhere. All the girls I have really liked wanted nothing to do with me. So I feel I need to berate myself for the hurt I cause people. But, anyone's existence indirectly causes pain and suffering to other beings. I'm sorry to write this but even if I were to go vegan again, animals will suffer and die for the potatoes, bananas, etc. that I eat. Even Jains recognise that dairy causes pain and suffering to cows. And then I feel arrogant for thinking I can be perfect. I'm scared of not suffering. I can't save anyone. I have come across so many teachers and, again, I apologise for writing this, but they were all very confident and passionate, but most of them were painful to listen to and the little bit of progress I have made, has been very difficult to come by. I imagine it's like that for most people. I hear stories about how some people just get it, even if it only takes them a couple of years or just a moment, that'd be pretty nice. I wish I could be attracted to this girl. I enjoy her company. She's good fun. I want to listen to her and talk to her. But it just isn't there for me, the attraction. I really wish I could wake up. I don't believe I ever had Paranoid Schizophrenia, NPD, OCD nor Autism. It's fair enough if I'm wrong about that. I think it's just trauma. I try to be a good person. And as eloquent as I like to think I can be, I really fudge communication a lot. I say something as a joke and people can get really offended because they thought I meant something completely different. I wish I felt like I am a truly good person. I'd like to if I had contributed more than I hurt this place. I wish I knew for sure if awareness is present in deep sleep, was present before birth and will be present after death. I believe those things. But I don't have any evidence. I like the idea of waking up and never telling anyone, ever. And I could get a quiet job and have my own apartment. No living creature is truly safe. Even if I could build walls around me and be cocooned in a dwelling, safe from the elements and people with bad intentions, I still wouldn't be completely safe. And then there's people in war zones or countries where kidnapping is a problem or who live where tornados form. Everything is impermanent and there is no self and all that. But I am a psychological slave to people who I know nothing about. And who seem to know an awful lot about me. I would like the Universe to make me free from gang-stalking and free from suffering. I wish those things would happen. This whole believing in being somebody adds so much misery onto what was already a precarious existence.

The idea of self. The belief of self. Seeing the unreality of self. The mind still saying, "yeah but, fuck you". I - what is that in reference to? I see that. But feeling it. I feel the weight of years. Feeling sinking, drowning, losing, falling. Where does this go? Words, words, words. Feeling depression. Just depression. What is that? Depression. There's a cacophony of dullness, burning, pressing, pain; but blue it still blue. But blue doesn't feel very good right now. Fuck it, I say. Knowing that there is only so much I can handle. There's only so many times they can fuck with me before I snap. But blue will still be blue if I do. So I pitter patter my fat stomach around, trying to be a decent sort of person who doesn't exist. I've tried to talk a good game months ago about how I get this or that. But the feelings are still shit. But they're real. Everything is driven by feeling - emotions and sensations. I've lived with this stupid alarm bell fucking ringing and a hand reaching out.of it slapping me across my head when I forget about the ringing. So, I can't deal with it forever, but for now, fuck it, fuck all of them. I imagine their Hell will be becoming me, how much they would hate that. But the observer is observing. Maybe they could reach within and decide to see something different of me. And that is exactly what I am doing. Trying to see something better, purer in me so that I can feel love.

The depression is hitting me like a wall. It's like a weighted blanket pressing me down. Jeff Foster said depressed can be seen as a need for deep rest. I feel so low and out of it. I wish I could feel safe and in control of my emotions. Or to believe that they aren't going to carry on like this. I want to be stoic, a hero like in the movies. But I am reactive and sweet and childish. I like playing. I enjoy play. I like to have fun. It's not perfect, but for now, I have a friend. She jokes about it and touches me affectionately at times. For now she seems okay that I don't feel the same way for her. But I would like to have a friend. Gang-stalkers may mess it up. It's their world. But I live in it. I felt fine up until Tuesday afternoon. Well, fine for me. There was a house meeting and the gang-stalkers in the house were going for me. I don't think you can understand an experience if you haven't had it. I used to think I could be like Nicolas Cage or Russel Crowe's big characters in movies. But I'm easily irritated. And gang-stalkers can anchor on thoughts and emotions. People don't notice it usually. And when they do they comment on how an event was weird or unpleasant but then get on with their day. But it's happened to me over and over and over for a decade. It's hard to live under it. There's something deeper in the psyche with stress and fear and shame. It pulls up weeds in the mind and the way those weeds feel is pain. I'm not in control. I don't feel in control. I have my seeking and hoping. And intellectually, it's an interesting topic - Enlightenment. But I'm worried about how much shit I can take before my mind fucking breaks. Not being believed is awful. Not being able to tell anyone and to have them believe me. It's completely isolating and I feel distraught. I would like to win the lottery, buy a fancy apartment on the West Coast, back home, and live a quiet life and to be left alone. I didn't win on Tuesday. It's gone up to £130 million. I know I won't win. But if I did they'd probably kill me or torture me physically. Why are psychopaths so touchy? It doesn't make sense in the popular conception of them not having feelings. When I've watched interviews with serial killers, they're pretty fucking reactive and often talk about small details that triggered their aggression or why they chose a particular target. It doesn't make any sense.

Hey @Mandy, I didn't mean that you and Phil are Enlightened and so I only want to hear from just you two. It's because I don't know at all who is or isn't a gang-stalker. I've been abrupt with people who comment on my thread because I have no idea if I can trust them or not. I read what you wrote. I'm not interested in being an Enlightened person for my ego's pleasure. I like the word because it feels better to know that there is hope. I've felt so much shame all my life. Shame is a curse or a virus. It's like a cancer of the mind that starts somewhere and metasticizes throughout my mind. Hope is everything for me. Hope that there is God and Heaven and meaning in this place. I imagine Enlightenment is a noticing. I read that Nobel Prize winners never say things like, "eureka". More often when they discover their great finding it's more a curious, "that's funny". And then it gradually hits them that they've found a breakthrough. I want to be a decent person. I really believed that I have NPD and all kinds of issues. But it's just shame. So much shame. I've felt so isolated my whole life. I just want to feel at ease. It'd be great if everything was just okay. I like being drunk and high. But even that is too much if it were all the time. Just to be okay. I want to feel and be in the world. I hope Enlightenment is just , "oh, that's funny" and things gradually unwind and it's all okay. I watched 'Con Air' just now with a friend. The situation is a little odd because she really fancies me. And the movie is a little odd because there are so many holes in the plot. And I practiced mindfulness here and there with my emotions. It was odd because I feel odd, but it was alright. I get what you mean about words shifting the way that I feel. Wanting, yearning, seeking, wrestling, pressing - it's too much. It's, I think, finding a way to be at ease. It's a great movie though. I love that film.

It seems gang-stalkers want me to only feel bad emotions. I've been in and out of believing it and disbelieving that it's happening. I've been so optimistic that it will stop at times that I really believe it has. I'm the same way with Enlightenment. Each day I believe it is going to happen. I believe that I must have suffered enough. If God exists then I am where He wants me to be. I really thought about suicide this morning. I was so low that, even despite all the pain it would leave behind, I still thought about it. I find it impossible to understand what this is all for. Why is it so hard to reduce suffering? Why is this the way that it is? I feel so ashamed. I have written so much. And things change but the weight of being gang-stalked is so heavy. It creates all these thoughts that torture me. They get inside my mind and crush me. They rape my emotions. I wish I could have been better. I wish I could meditate. I wish I could have been better. I wish I could have been better. I wish I were better. I wish they would leave me alone. I wish they would go away. I wish this sort of thing didn't happen to people. I wish I didn't internalise their hatred of me. They deliberately traumatise me. This pain sits in my stomach and it is a dull heavy fire.

I had what I think was a spiritual experience once, years ago. Long story short, it culminated in an all consuming rush of energy and then a flash of white light. The moment afterwards I wondered if that was it - awakening. I wish so much that it was. I hate my arrogance and pride. I'm so fucking up myself. I hate pride. I wish I was wiser. I wish I knew. Gang-stalking messed with my perception. Now I don't know who people are. Why would God create people to do this? I'd like it if this made sense. Why is that if I can't control my thoughts and emotions I should be punished for my actions? I'm angry with God. I fear expressing that. But I know I am stupid about figuring out how to act around people. I was already crap at it. And now, all this. I know I am arrogant and hypocritical. I know I am a sinner. I feel all the world hates me. I was never going to have a family of my own. And I am not stoic. I am not impressive. I am not worthwhile. So I can't even have the comfort of knowing that I was a good person. If I have to be in separation then at least I could have been less neurotic. Last night I thought I was going to die or wake up. I relaxed into it. But nothing happened. I watched a video of Jordan Peterson talking to Douglas Murray about suicide and how it is selfish. These are two successful, conscientious and intelligent people shitting on people who don't have. On people who don't have life. I feel so worthless. I tried meditating again on the breath. It was helping and then the gang-stalkers amped everything up. And now, again, I feel like I am in the fire. I just hurt people. I just push people away. I'm just a worthless human being. I get that there is no self, no experience of separation, that consciousness is everything and I am that, that consciousness is not an object and yet it is everything. I know that I am not separate from experience and that I what I experience is everything. I get these things and then there is the pain of thought coming back in and grabbing me, putting it's hands all over me and shoving me to the ground and putting a gun to my head. It says, "fuck you! You will live this way!" And I do. I live in a fog of fear and confusion. These people can rape me with my thoughts. And they do. "But deliver us from evil."

@Mandy, I experience synchronicity and serendipity. I think these things were always happening, I just didn't notice. But I experience the opposite as well. I experience negative synchronicity where painful coincidences happen. I like the idea that there are people in the world who are happy. They've just fallen in love. They've just had a child born to them. Some people will win the lottery tonight. Some people achieve what they set out to achieve. Out there, there are people who are at a party and it's new and exciting and they're a little drunk and they're in flow. There is somebody out there who's Enlightened and nobody knows them. There are people out there saving somebody's life. There are people out there who are free. But I have blinders on. And that's ashamed and not being good enough. In 'The Office' Stanley says that he wants to buy a lighthouse, live at the top of it, have nobody knows he's there and for that lighthouse to be launched into space. Metaphorically, that's what I want. Except, I'd like to have a couple of Westland terriers, a couple of pet rats and occasionally be able to visit my family. I would have liked to have been devoid of sin. I'd like to have known if there is anything outside of this. I'd like to know if there really is God. I pray. I ask for help. I get help. I get lucky. But every time I go into the supermarket people walk in front of me. I have people stare me down. I have people mess with me and I can't predict or control it. And I am ensnared in this. I guess that one day they'll physically torture me in ways that no meditation or medication could help. I don't know, but if that happens, then I'll just wish I had got drunk and high more often. That I'd just had more happiness. Or I'll be in shock and reality will slip away and it will just be pain and nothing else. I don't choose my thoughts and emotions. So why would I have to suffer my ignorance and poor decisions? Why would God create people just so they can persecute and torture people? I don't understand it. I can't make sense of it. I wish all of the stalking would stop. I wish they would leave me alone. I tried to figure out how to behave so that they would stop. But it doesn't matter what I do. It's gut wrenching that people younger than me do this to me. They're young. Why are they doing this to themselves? They have life. They're really alive. They don't have the weight of all the mistakes they are going to make, to bear. When I was their age at least I had some freedom in drink and drugs. I don't buy into this idea that some people don't feel emotions. Why have there been sadistic psychopaths who raped children? If they don't feel, then why would they be motivated to do that? I think of the rape gangs in the UK and how if I talk about it people call me racist. I just don't understand. I walk on eggshells because I don't understand people. I hate it when I am speaking to a gang-stalker and they're just mirroring me, and I just talk to them like they're being genuine and I see that stupid duper's delight smile emerge on their face. It's like, "yes, I know you're fucking with me. But I really don't have anyone to talk to." I despise NLP. I don't even want to read 'How to Win Friends and Influence People'. I believe in what I feel. I think everyone is like that. The happy see happiness. The miserable see a miserable world. That's maybe what is so intriguing about Christ and Buddha. They were Enlightened in this place, but they saw terrible suffering. If my beliefs are true then I'm in serious trouble. I tried to not believe in gang-stalking. Maybe that's what elicited this reaction from 'them'. I think they think I am insincere and playing. I think they think that I feel pride in how I relate to them. Pride for what? Being fucked with. Christ, to me, was the guy. He taught for three years and pissed off everyone so much they had Him tortured and killed. I figure He knew what was going to happen to Him. But He did it anyway. He didn't know of me. But what He did echoes out to me. I don't want to come back to this place. I really wanted to help other people. But I am coming out of this ugliness that I am bathed in. I just mess everything up. I wish I wasn't misunderstood. I really wish I could meet another TI and know that they are not a gang-stalker.

Also, I only believe enough that Mandy and Phil are legit so I'd really only like them to write on my thread. Everybody else, I don't know at all who you are so please don't write on here.

So the gang-stalking has amped up. It was completely surreal because I was with some of my family from back home and I had one foot in the world I grew up in and another in this fucking place. We were in a quiet charming town that they drove us to but cars were racing around. I looked inside them and it was single male 20 something's driving around. It's shit. When they get all of a bee in their bonnet about whatever the fuck I said or did, they decide to amp it all up. I have no idea why. I have had a shit life. I wish I had had a different life. I keep going back to Unit 731. That's these people. They're just the same sort of people. They'd be in a fucking lab injecting people with the plague. I listened to some interviews with people who worked there. One guy kept repeating how their test subject were traitors. I don't know what contrived lies they tell about me. I have no idea who these people are and what justifications they tell themselves to fuck with me. It's shit. But I was with family and I remember a time when none of this was happening. I had no warning. I never knew this could happen to someone. If I had known I had trauma and that I should have had a diagnosis of whatever the fuck it is I have, I would have gone down that route. How is it worth it when I'm in it? Maybe there is life after this place. Maybe there is meaning to all this. I'm in the dark. I'd love to sing off the hymn sheet and feel like I fit in. I feel awful all the time. I'm like a Labrador. I'm so depressed but I can't give up on the idea that this will stop some day. That one day out there somewhere I will have my house out in the countryside and a couple of dogs and I can go for walks in the fields and live quietly and alone. Am I idiosyncratic? Or am I just a human being? Who the fuck is doing this? Why? As far as I am concerned they just hate me because I am a white guy from Barbados. They don't know my culture. They make no allowances for how shit this is. I wish every last one of them would find a tall building, go to the top of it and jump the fuck off it. They just make the world a worse place for everyone. I don't know what this is, why they are doing it, who in the hell funds it and what these people could possibly believe that they are so bothered by me. I feel completely alone. Everyone thinks I am crazy. And in the end will it even matter? In Unit 731 they called their test subjects logs. That's what I feel like. I'm just a log. They would have to completely dehumanise me, so fuck them. I've even apologised to them, which is fucking ridiculous. I'm stressed up to my eyeballs. I have this stupid pain and reactivity. My mind fucking jumps all over the fucking place. It's pain all the time. Whenever I go to stay with my parents in London, there are constantly cars driving around their quiet neighbourhood around me. Loads of cars were parked by my cousin's house that aren't ever there. I asked my Uncle. Cars were racing around the town we visited. The fucking ridiculously loud motorbikes are always racing around me. Every time I go into the supermarket people walk in front of me. All they do is stress me out. It's fucking stress stress stress. I'm not Enlightened. I'm not Jesus. I'm not superhuman. I'm just some guy trying to survive the fucking stress. Psychologically, the toll is immense. I'd really like to die. I don't want to be tortured. I hate this place. I've had a terrible time of it. I feel absolute rage. I am sinking in shame. Will I get an Eckhart Tolle moment? Will I at least get that? Probably not. How many people were crucified by the Romans? One of them was Enlightened. How about the rest? I'm not strong. I'm not integrated. I was already broken. I fucking hate this shit. Those stupid e-mails about being "outplayed". They can take their fucking play and shove it up their asses. Are they just sadistic? Is that it? I feel self-hatred, ashamed, frightened, stressed out and completely alone. And all I have to keep me company are these stupid fucking thoughts which torture me.

I feel rotten. I feel shame. Shame feels worse than anger. But anger is harder to control. A gang-stalker touched me on the elbow yesterday. He was already screwing with me. I hate that shit so much. Don't fucking touch me. I feel like I am in Maya and it just wants to fuck with me. I try to be a decent person. I hate everything. I hate reality so much. I hear the spiritual teachings. I don't feel what they are saying. I still feel like absolute shit. I do my best to be honest and sincere and they just fuck with me for it. I feel emotionally raped by these people. I hate them. I want to be spiritual and have unconditional love but I am nowhere near that. It's not easy, it's not simple. It's a fucking grind. I still feel like that 15 year old boy at the beach feeling ashamed for being different and weird and fat. I mean well. I try to be kind. But I'm so fucking angry with reality. The thing I hate is that if things ever get better I'll quickly forget how hard it always was. I have this stupid pain body in me and it keeps persecuting me and fucking with me. It tells me all kinds of stories that I don't want to hear. I wish I didn't have this shame. I'm considering getting rid of all my books. I've stopped using YouTube. I'm tired of knowledge and concepts. This feeling isn't a concept. It's a leech, sucking energy out of me. I hate the media and I hate being around most people. Gang-stalkers are like slithering eels, jolting me whenever they feel like. I fucking despise them. They are complete covert cowards. They mock and mock and mock. They love it. They congratulate themselves because they have each other's combined knowledge, access and insight into me. I don't know that 100%. But I'm not a moron. I have eyes. The faces change, but it's the same slimy shit that they do. They must fucking love themselves and be so proud that they are bullying someone. They love to point out hypocrisy or when I hide. I hate them so much. I'm here, like a fucking idiot, desperately trying to not fucking punch someone and they get closer and closer and closer. And yesterday that fucking asshole touched me on the elbow. I feel raped by that. I feel fucking so used and raped. I want to feel all this bon ami bullshit. All the flowers are so wise. Reality is perfect or just is. All that shit. My shame fucking just is. The fucking thing won't move. I am not anybody else. I don't understand. I don't know why it had to be this way. I don't know if God exists. I don't know about before I was 3 or after I will die. All I know is I am here, in fucking pain, and one of these assholes touched me. What the absolute fuck is wrong with these people. They are dog shit. They are absolute wretchedness. I'm so fucking angry that I have to live like this. Always watching people. Always watching myself. Always walking on eggshells. Always fucking looking around. I can't be authentic. I can't be myself. And I'll never get to figure out who I really am because I have all this suppressed emotion that clouds my thinking. I have cried. I have done shadow work. I look at my thoughts and my reactions. I have tried. And tomorrow will be shit. Today is shit. Yesterday was shit. The whole fucking thing is shame shame shame. The cause of the problem isn't obvious. The solution isn't obvious. If it were easy then everybody would do it. If God wanted me to wake up I'd be awake. But I'm not. I bought a fucking lottery ticket today. I won't win because the odds are ridiculous. But even if I won, these people would fucking ruin me for it. I will never meet a partner or have a group of friends if the gang-stalkers never stop. I'll always have to look over my shoulder. And one day they'll probably do the Havana Syndrome shit for longer than 30 minutes. These are the worst people in society. These are the fuckers who shoot naked pregnant women in the back of the head, lynch people from trees, massacre people, rape people, murder people. And they congratulate themselves with their mocking. Fuck them. The only reason why I wouldn't torture and murder all of them, if I could, is that I want to get out of this place and I hope that something better awaits me. I'm struggling with my faith in God. What is the fucking point of this? The thousands of times that I haven't shouted at anyone or punched anyone. I move country or town or job or whatever, and more of these fucking assholes pop up. They're like fucking mushrooms. I want to feel love and roses and delve into subtle nuances of abstraction. But life isn't perfect. My true nature isn't love. I am here experiencing this and it fucking hurts so fucking much. Fuck these people. I feel hatred. I hate them, I hate myself, I hate the Universe. I wish a fucking asteroid the size of London would just land on my fucking building and wipe the whole fucking thing out. What if this is it? What if this life is the only life that I get? If it were all about being a good person, then why do I feel Hell in my body? I never raped anyone. I've never murdered anyone. I rarely lie. I avoid gossip. I try to be kind and courteous and considerate. I try to be fair. I try to be decent. But no, all I get is fucking shame. Fuck everything.

@Mandy I think I understand. I was using Byron Katie's 4 questions and now I see more of the unreality of some of my beliefs. I want to not be gang-stalked. It's confusing, alarming, frightening and it makes me think bad thoughts about myself and life in general. I believe in God but I don't know if He exists. I feel ashamed. I really want to be myself. I'd really like to be myself.