What is this?

[Mandy]

Pick a better feeling thought. Even if it's anger or jealousy.

 

There's a window, a glimpse when we realize we're writing our own character and that the contrast is not without meaning. To see the Author's love and intentions we must first drop the meaning that we have assumed, the meaning of the one who IS the separate character and not also the Author or Observer/Reader. 

 

39 minutes ago, Agape said:

 I'm not a solid serious person. When I was a teenager, if I believed I would be successful and rich. Then I believed I would be a shining example of recovery. Then I believed I would become Enlightened. But I just keep sinking. I don't tell people about gang-stalking out of fear. But it's so shit. 

You're right, this is shit. You're not shit, but this here is a shitty story. Tell a better one. I want humor, magic, plot twists, heartwarming moments, all of it. 

[Mandy]

1 minute ago, Agape said:

@Mandy, thanks. Humour...I don't think this is funny. 

It's not, that's why let go that story line and one that's humorous can occur. 

1 minute ago, Agape said:

 I am scared He doesn't like me. 

Do you like you? If God made you, and loves you, and the love is all you really are, don't you think it's natural that it feels pretty awful to not like you? 

 

 

4 minutes ago, Agape said:

I see how beautiful the blue sky is and trees and how beautiful sorrow is. And I keep going. I just keep going however I can.

How does it feel to write more generally, with more space? 

 

❤️

 

 

[Phil]

3 hours ago, Agape said:

@Phil Is there no self?

There is no separate finite self. 

There is infinite self. 

 

3 hours ago, Agape said:

I look around and I just see space. That I am space. And then thoughts and feelings about the sort of person I am keeping arising. Are those thoughts and feelings not evidence of a self? Or is there two?

The thoughts and feelings are the appearance of, and therein the evidence of, infinite being. The space as you say, is appearing as, is being, thoughts and feelings. 

 

3 hours ago, Agape said:

I mean, do you have preferences about who you want and don't want to be friends with, for example?

One which has (something else) such as preferences, would be the separate finite self of thoughts. Preferences are essentially thoughts like any other thoughts, and appear, but aren’t experienced as mine. 

 

3 hours ago, Agape said:

I see different people everywhere, even though what they are is not a brain or a mind. I'm not awake or anything like that. I've seen this many many times for years and I still feel miserable and separate.

Being’s being is indeed amazingly diverse. Sheer beauty & wonder frankly. 

 

For the separate self of thoughts, which is an illusion, there is “knowing”… and knowing what I feel like or how I feel. Infinite self is in fact infinite, and therefore has no outside-of-itself reference point to know about itself, such as how it feels or what it feels like. 

 

Infinite self is being THIS, and has a true nature. As being is unobscured of attachment or the believing of thoughts & identifying (illusion), the true nature is more uncovered and naturally more pronounced. This is the dispelling of conditioning. Of conditions. Of conditional living, happiness, peace and love. 

 

‘Miserable and separate’ is of heavy activity of discordant thought(s), heavily obscuring the true nature of infinite being, which is neither miserable or separate.  

 

Figuring out doesn’t unfetter. Only bringing thought to rest unfetters. Meditation unfetters.

 

As the separate finite self is nothing more than thoughts or the activity of thinking, there is no separate finite self which is or isn’t awake. Only the true nature is wakefulness, and it’s either unfettered (by thought being brought to rest), or it isn’t. Not in a future, not over time, not incrementally. Right now or not at all. 

 

3 hours ago, Agape said:

I feel responsible for being the sort of person I am in relation to other people. Even though it's all just a play of form. I can see there is no one, but for some weird reason I feel like I need to be a perfect person who doesn't hurt people before I can feel happy. While knowing that I will never be such a person. 

That knowing is what suffering is. That knowing is entirely nonsense, as in it doesn’t and will not resonate with the true nature. 

 

3 hours ago, Agape said:

I find it hard reconciling the fact that what I say and do hurts people with there being no self here. Thanks. 

The separate finite self which is illusory is the one that finds it hard. 

Infinite being isn’t thinking / figuring out, infinite being is loving. 

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Agape said:

@Phil Can awakening occur and one still does not like themselves?

That’d be two selves. 

[Mandy]

13 minutes ago, Agape said:

I know that. People avoid me. I'm not any good with women. I can't hold down a job. I don't have meaning in my life. I want to become Enlightened so I don't need to seek anymore. I'm tired of looking. If I believed so many false things about myself then maybe I haven't a clue who or what I really am, in any sense. I don't know shit. People tell me I am smart. But I do, say and think so many really stupid things. I'm so clumsy. I just do things the incorrect way. I lack common sense. I should have been a University lecturer. I really should have done that. I really should have gone into academia. It's full of socially awkward people. Fuck. I don't even know if that's true. If I go down that route, if I can get enough money, then that could just be another 5 or 10 years that lead to nothing. Fuck. 

Try writing out each statement then pressing enter. Bring space into what you write visually, it makes a world of difference. 

 

"People avoid me."

 

That's a belief. 

 

"I'm not any good with women."

 

That's a belief.

 

"I can't hold down a job."

 

Beliefs about me.

 

What do I want? 

 

Example: To feel loved, to feel appreciated and like I'm making contributions that are valued. To be compensated for these contributions.

 

 

[Reena]

@Agape

Hey, I don't know who you are. My name is Reena. I'm from India. I read some of your entries and frankly your issues are quite similar to mine. Autism etc. I just wanted to chime in, not trying to be intrusive. My sister is a Scorpio and so I know a bit about them. I'm sorry to hear about your autism. I have autism too and that caused me significant social and learning disability. But there is hope at the end of the tunnel. Don't ever give up on yourself. I'm not sure if you have bpd or not, I have bpd and mental illness can be a hard struggle. Sorry to hear about your struggles. I'm looking into Byron Katies work too. I would suggest Daniel Fox as an important person in this area especially if someone around you is diagnosed bpd. Also I got my autism diagnosis from 3 psychiatrists. So I suggest that don't rely on online testing. Get yourself thoroughly tested at a clinic as well. I wish you well. Recovery is hard but possible. Sorry for being all over the place, I thought it would be so bad if I didn't offer a few words given I relate to so much of what you're going through. I don't know if you are a girl or a guy but I can understand your frustration as a man because men get cruelly judged when they have autism. Apologies if I am being intrusive. 

 

 

Edited April 23 by Reena

[Mandy]

@Agape What do you think about synchronicity and serendipity? Do you have experiences of them? 

 

What if all beliefs are true? 

[Mandy]

12 hours ago, Agape said:

@Mandy, I experience synchronicity and serendipity. I think these things were always happening, I just didn't notice. But I experience the opposite as well. I experience negative synchronicity where painful coincidences happen.

Synchronicity is happening anyway, if it's apparently negative it is still positive as it shows us where our focus is.

 

12 hours ago, Agape said:

I like the idea that there are people in the world who are happy.

People in the world aren't happy. Happiness isn't like a college degree, that once it's yours it's yours. it isn't an attainment for a person. We all have the same guidance, the same feeling guidance, the same synchronicity. Happiness is an in the moment alignment marked by the absence of discordant thoughts. 

 

16 minutes ago, Agape said:

It seems gang-stalkers want me to only feel bad emotions. 

There isn't any assertion. Like the message in Man's Search for Meaning, no matter how extreme the circumstances, whether they are real or whether imagined, no one can force you to feel bad. The emotion is guidance. 

 

Pick better feeling thoughts. Choose what you want. 

 

Imagine the apartment with the pet rats and the Westland terriers. Focus on this stuff until it becomes. 

 

You cannot become an enlightened person. Like you earlier n your response to Reena  selected Phil and myself as the only credible people here, that is not the case. It is only Now that is enlightened, and you are that already. Choose happiness, rather than waiting for it to be bestowed on you, it is simply picking a better feeling thought now or dropping those that are discordant. 

 

You cannot wait for the reflection in the mirror to smile FIRST refusing to be the first to smile without feeling awful. Smile first. Choose a better feeling thought. Let go  of the thoughts that explain the frown in the mirror, and why it's valid. Just smile. That's the unconditional. That's the end of the stand off with yourself. 

 

[Phil]

What do you figure their motive is? Why would they be spending their time stalking you? How do they know you in the first place?

[Phil]

On 4/27/2024 at 2:27 PM, Agape said:

@Phil, I don't know anything about them. But it started a month after I left a job on a trading desk at an oil company. I was a trading operator - basically really intense admin with lots of responsibility. I made a mistake and it lost them I think around $1 million. The head trader on the desk I was on was ex-military. But I don't know. I really know nothing about who started this, why it started, why it won't stop.

 

But thanks for asking. 

🤍

 

What emotion is felt about that?

 

On 4/27/2024 at 2:33 PM, Agape said:

It's awful looking back at the last 10 years of my life 

Are you looking back at ten years, or are these thoughts experienced presently?

 

 

On 4/27/2024 at 2:33 PM, Agape said:

And they have contributed a lot to that over the last decade

On 4/27/2024 at 2:27 PM, Agape said:

I don't know anything about them

Those two statement are conflicting. Which statement resonates with innocence because it’s honest?

 

On 4/27/2024 at 3:10 PM, Agape said:

I was already was traumatised. I grew up with the injustice of being bullied by my siblings

Maybe when the emotion is acknowledged in regard to what transpired at that job, the emotion is no longer projected (at the siblings)?

 

I was beat to death. I acknowledged emotions, experienced tremendous relief, self-realized and moved on. 

 

Were you ever beat to death?

 

[Phil]

@Agape

Acknowledge emotions. 

[Phil]

17 hours ago, Agape said:

Hey @Phil. I want to buy your book when it comes out. Are there any good books on the emotional guidance scale currently out?

♥️ 

Ask & It Is Given by Esther Hicks.

 

17 hours ago, Agape said:

I feel overwhelmed by thought. I fear thought. I feel pessimistic about my ability to handle reality. I believe that I will never get better. 

Using the emotional scale clarifies there isn’t a separate self which feels overwhelmed, but rather the emotion overwhelment is felt. Same for fear & pessimism. 

[Phil]

44 minutes ago, Agape said:

@Phil, did you get overwhelmed at any point? I mean like, so much emotion coming up and there's very little you can do about it?

I experience overwhelment sometimes yes. 

[Phil]

46 minutes ago, Agape said:

Is it just a case of letting it be there? Because I've been sitting with shame for 6 months and it's still coming up. 

Yes. Very much so.  Acknowledging the emotion dispels the concepts about emotion, like shame. It’s also very connective. 

[Mandy]

2 minutes ago, Agape said:

I feel an ember of it. And I want to take care of that ember. I want to tuck it in at night and give it the breath of life and take care of it. It's so quiet.

❤️Listen to more music, do more of things that make you feel that way! ❤️