Agape

There are two modes of thought - discrete and continuous. Continuous thought is what Socrates referred to as the "Daemon" and he lived by it. Discrete thought is perceived as being subject to conscious control. But the truth is there is absolutely no one controlling either modes of thought. Everything, regardless of how pleasant or painful, just is happening. It's an illusion that there is someone controlling anything. It is continuous thought that keeps spewing out about this apparent self. But there is no self. There is no you reading this. There is a subject, awareness, consciousness, being,.but there is no person deciding anything. It's frightening to see this. You are. But you don't exist. And yet, you are is only what could carry on beyond this place. This is what I think anyways.

There are two modes of thought - discrete and continuous. Continuous thought taps into the whole system of the body. It is Source. Discrete thought seems, to me, to be a reflection of continuous thought. I believe that continuous thought is pretty much impossible to perceive in a discrete and identifiable way and that it conjures up discrete thought. Basically, there is no you and no me and it's all a game played by thought. And we suffer so much because we believe that we did 'it'. But you never had any control. There is no 'you'. There is no 'me'. It's a mirage. The experience of a mirage is real. But the mirage is not what it seems to represent. But it will never matter how many times you look at the mirage. If you're walking through deserts, you will see mirages. You'll just get good at seeing what is the truth of those illusions.

The more I sit with emotions the more I see that trying to be good with concepts is really avoiding how I feel.

One thing I think is true is that reality is content and structure. I specifically say "Him" when I speak of God. But it is of no disrespect to the feminity of reality. Content is the feminine. In the monotheistic religions God is considered masculine. In my perspective, this is because most of religion is explicitly focused on structure. It's all about karma and sin - rules for life. But the Feminine transcends all of that. God states who experiences what. But 'Mary' is always there - humble, pure, truthful, asking for no credit or recommendation. The feminine requires no order. She is the content. They are nothing without each other. Together they are the totality of existence. "He" is the lines and "She" is the colour. They are nothing without each other. Unfortunately, She doesn't get the credit most of the time. And I can't currently figure of this is allegorical but it parallels humanity. Women and content have been left behind in our mega-hierarchirs. But Mary and Mary (I don't think that's a coincidence) have to stand by while Christ is crucified. They are crucified as well, having to watch the greatest man (in my estimation) who ever existed, be tortured and murdered. But the feminine asks nothing of structure. She is quietly the passion in the punch. She is the content of experience. The Father can speak all of order, and I fear and respect Him, but she is what is felt. That's the best I've got. Besides all that, my point is that, the Feminine cannot be inferior to the Masculine. Content has no structure. Red is not superior or inferior to blue. Any idea that it is is.structure. Reality, in my pathetic opinion, is a marriage between the masculine and the feminine. The Father punishes me, but the Feminine is the sting of the whip. It doesn't elude that I would be whipped or killed for writing this in many countries. But that's because more and more of human reality is.becoming about structure. About the Masculine. But the Feminine goes nowhere. They are both only and always the totality of existence. I genuinely believe that nothing about all of the story of the cruciciftion of Christ is without perfect relevance. It means so many things.

I realise it's not System 1 and System 2. I thought it was but I got it wrong. There are two modes of thinking - continuous and discrete. Discrete thoughts are the ones you can see easily as words or images. The continuous thoughts are the ones that run everything. I can never see them. Discrete thought can copy them. But only after the continuous thoughts have said it. It's the weirdest thing because continuous thought had already said it. Continuous thought, seems, from what I see, runs everything, including discrete thought. It's very easy to see. I thought I was right before. But I thought about again, because I'm obviously so smart (that's a joke - I'm an idiot), and System.1 and System 2 are born from interactions between continuous and discrete thought.

@Phil, I think we live in different worlds. It sounds like you were in the one I am in. And I've never been to where you are at. But from the perspective of where I am, I'm glad how you never reject me. In this dualistic place, it's meaningful for me. I tried to stay away. But I can't hack it. I started writing two suicide notes this afternoon but stopped and put them in the trash. You've written about your past and it sounds very difficult. I feel bad for you because you have a way and I don't get it. I try to understand. But then I just write what I feel is happening to me. Today is another day where I didn't end it. It's not a thrilling statement. But for my parents, that's worth more than their own lives to them. I project that I can't make friends or meet a partner, not get a job again or live in privacy. For many years I convinced myself that it will stop one day but that no longer is a belief I really hold. I isolate to avoid the stress. The hardest realisation is that I am not strong. I am not tough. But my whole life has had this feeling. I did my absolute best to unpick whatever it is that drives the self-hatred. I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. I feel so frightened all the time. I'm really scared. I wasn't raised in Sparta. I couldn't have made it there anyways. But I'm not built for all this. I never was. I've been frightened all my life. Scared of other people. And I'm really angry. I'm so pissed off with getting and being bullied. I've taken so much mocking and derision my whole life. I'm just a little fawning C-PTSD kid in a 35 year old body. But I'm still that little kid watching, analysing, judging, avoiding the eggshells. My sister terrified me. And my brother scared me. They were hostile, quick to anger and giving insults, especially for things they knew really mattered to me. I'm so angry. I didn't know any better. I was a little kid with two bigger siblings. They humiliated me and neglected me. And then they would act so fake and super friendly and bubbly with our cousins or their friends. I sit with the feelings. I've been doing it every day since last November. But I still feel this pain. I couldn't defend myself and no one defended me. In a lot of ways, I raised myself. I tried to figure them out and then tried to use that map as a way to understand other people. But other people aren't like that. There is discursive thought and concise thoughts or there is continuous thought and discrete thought. That continual ticket tape in my mind, that is running the show, fucking hates itself. And I have to feel the burn of it judging what it does. It's crazy. I feel overwhelmed because I can see what it is doing and it doesn't care. Everything that it gets this body to do, it judges. And I feel humiliated by it. My brother used to humiliate me. So did my sister. I know my Mom and Dad were not easy. I love my parents. But they just say shaming stuff. It gets me like a jolt in my stomach of shame. I just sit with the emotions and try to be respectful and understanding and just enjoy their company. I do enjoy being around them. But they have ninja like abilities to get me right there and then I do mindfulness. I really feel for them. Me and my siblings are traumatised. I think all five of us are. I'm looking through the emotional guidance scale. It scares me. I'm scared to feel happy. If I'm happy then I fear I will get attacked. So my mind attacks itself to hurt me. It's a certain fate. The difference between between Barbados and the UK is, obviously, size. The big difference is in Barbados, it's much more difficult to hide. Even being unemployed in the UK. I could save up some money and I could move to Scotland, Wales, the North of England, London, Cornwall, wherever I want and just start over. Well, I can't just do that for certain reasons, but it's doable. Back home, it's a lot more important that you achieve. Not become mega wealthy. But have a respectable job like a lawyer or a doctor and have a family and be a part of the community. I have failed spectacularly at that. I feel humiliation. I feel like I can't go home and show my face. Having mental health problems in Barbados is, I wouldn't say taboo, but it's considered more 'out there' than it is here. The UK is, despite my criticisms, very compassionate and open. Not to say that Barbados is not. It's just different. I haven't achieved anything. I haven't got a profession nor a family of my own. I can't work. And I can't even make friends or meet a partner. So, I feel overwhelmed and frightened. I really considered ending it all today. I have a pretty sharp kitchen knife. And I really figured today would be the day. But then my Mom and Dad, or thinking about them, stopped me. If there is one thing I can do with my life, is just keep going, for them. It's the most meaningful thing I have done with my life. As low of a bar as that is. I'm so hard on myself. I really struggle with seeing myself. I think I am doing alright. I even think I'm being funny. But I think it's more shocking and alarming than funny. I realise that I say and write so many things that I haven't any idea if they are true or not. I just utter them. But I really don't know. I like to wander into a conclusion. But I is not got one.

I realise my presence here invites unsavoury characters. It helped me to write here. But, I don't want to drag the forum down. Thanks @Phil and @Mandy.

I tried to be something beautiful. Like the shiny things Magpies look for. I tried to be alright. Not insufferable, intense, attention seeking and a narcissist. I really tried to be alright. But it just made me needy and vulnerable. I drank for that subtle art of not giving a fuck. Except I beat it with a sledgehammer with every shot I drank. What the fuck is the point of living in fear. So, I will tell the truth. I will tell absolutely everyone the truth of gang-stalking and Targeted Individuals. Read about Ernest Hemingway, Jean Seberg, Gary Webb and Iris Chang. And then ponder on what happened to Jimi Hendrix, John Lennon and Kurt Cobain. And then ask, where do the people who commit atrocities go when there's no atrocity. There always around. 1% of the population are psychopath, 4% are sociopaths. There are a few thousand serial killers all over the world right now. The greatest thing the Devil did is make people look for him and not the people who do his work. They smile like other people. They look like anyone else on the sidewalk. And then there are the poor unfortunate souls like me who smile and take candy from the 21st century Mengele. The reason why people don't believe me is not because what has happened to me for 10 years is not believable. It's because people don't want to believe me. They want to believe that they live with a good degree of freedom, security and safety. And nobody like a victim. Not really. They're annoying and inconvenient. There are people who even say that nobody is a victim. So what do you do when you're actually a victim of tyranny? These people were going to physically torture me anyways at some point. So what difference does it make? There is no right way to act for them. If I stay in my room, then they fuck with my Spotify and mess around with the volume on my phone. The problem with explaining all of what has happened is that it's like trying to explain a rainstorm one drop of water at a time. So, what to do? How to live? How to contend with not knowing who the fuck anyone is anymore? It's fucked. They have poked and prodded me for a decade and now I'm ready to scream. I gave them fair warning. If the next few days don't show that they've stopped, then, I start.

Thinking, Fast and Slow: Daniel Kahneman https://amzn.eu/d/gQSoV2C

I'm really sorry. I apologise unreservedly. I don't feel much empathy for people. Just, sorry.

I have no idea what this is. Are any of you real? No offence, I don't mean that in a psychological sense. I'm sure you're authentic and true. But what the hell is this? I question what I assume is true. I like this lady, but, I don't think she likes me. These thoughts occurred to me where I could just leave. I could just go. I am tired of trying. I am tired of trying to be someone. I have so much love to give. And I can feel so much pain. I do struggle with cravings for using. What is God? I think I am the epitome of a Scorpio. But that's me. I'm not trying to be that. I'm super intense. But if anyone hurts someone I care about I'll fucking go for them. I'm ridiculously loyal. To me it's not ridiculous though. It's just what you're supposed to do. Or what I'm supposed to do. I just want to be alright for her. I really like this lady. This gal. But I don't think she likes me. I'm genuinely considering just leaving. I'm tired of feeling controlled. Like, I have all these rules. I couldn't be a banker or work in retail. I have a certain IQ but it's stupid because I'm pretty fucking retarded. I can't do anything. Fuck it, I tried. I told her I liked her. If she doesn't wan't me then I'm out. I've been in this room for months a d I feel like absolute shit with these damn emotions. I'm tired of the world. I just hope some predatory psychopathic fuck doesn't rape me or fuck me up. I suppose that's the risk. Fuck, I hope she likes me. Then I can stay for a while. To be in love again. I really want to feel that again.

@Phil, okay. You present as just an objective adjudicator on reality. A benevolent arbiter on reality. You haven't the faintest clue. I sent you a bunch of e-mails when I was in a place that holds no words. You don't know Hell. You know nothing of demons. Your INTP analysis has, quite factually, done absolutely nothing to alleviate my suffering. You're just another loser teacher who is so arrogant that you think you know 'the truth'. You don't know anything. You created a website like the website you came from and you have no morals. Because you don't have empathy. Act like the slippery fish all you want. But you're so much of a coward.that you had to have Mandy give me a warning instead of you doing it yourself. You're no different from teachers who fuck their own students. You think you aren't duplicitous? You think you're not psychologically in this? Like, to be fair, this is 'your' website and maybe I'm being a prick. But I know I'm a fucking piece of shit. You have a position of privilege. At the very least, which is all.there is, you have a chemical payoff for all this. I don't know. Maybe you think I'm not really real. You've made an enemy out of me. You've crafted and extrapolated a whole ideology from a person who thinks she can speak from some imagined entity. I believed something like that and the doctors told me I have Paranoid Schizophrenia. You don't even have the faintest idea of what that feels like. And I can tell you, from experience, Paranoid Schizophrenia is cake compared to self-hatred. Maybe you'll get Mandy to do it for you, the coward that you are, to give me another warning, so you can funnel out all the non-sychophants, from telling you that nobody can explain how they feel. I will truly sacrifice my own future lives to cast you into the Hell that I feel. You are exactly like every other spiritual teacher and counsellor I have come across. Retarded, has unfortunately been appropriated by the the politically correct brigade. Well then, to expand, I have worked as a support worker for people who have the mental capacity of a 3.year old, and they were, quite truly, much more Enlightening than the rubbish you write. You just want other people to warn people like me away, so that you can insult anyone you want to and not be challenged. I see all you guys. You don't understand. I've seen enough of you guys. You're blind. Yes, you. You all lose yourself to sticking your head in the ground like an ostrich. You learn how to do that. Fuck Nonduality. Fuck Solipsism. Fuck all the conceptual bullshit. You don't see me or anyone. You drop thoughts and think that negates other people's suffering. I knew more understanding from Michael who was 24, couldn't talk and watched the same videos of bananas singing on YouTube all day long. Phil, fuck it, be a complete coward, have somebody else give me a warning again, you truly, taught me nothing. You're just another teacher with confirmation bias. Well, I'm here, right now, to tell you that you looked at someone who is in intense suffering and it felt good for you to smash their head into shit they live in. You know nothing of suffering.

Fuck it. I'm an overbearing haughty piece of shit. Fuck it. If you don't like what I say then leave me the Hell alone. I have good qualities. And you can loft over them with your purview of intellectual or spiritual or emotional Enlightenment. I already knew I am a piece of shit. People jump in and say kind things and try to encourage me to be more optimistic. But no lady wants to fuck me. Maybe nobody else exists. I really don't know. I am loyal and faithful and I'll stick with anyone through and through who does the same for me. But if you get personal and pejorative with me I will do absolutely everything to make you remember me, no matter if I get kicked off this forum. Don't play games with me on the pretense of being ostensibly 'spiritual', 'intellectual' or 'Enlightened'. I have nothing to lose anymore. I would do everything I can to see through you and tear you apart because that is how I feel everyone else treats me. Because I see the games, I see the duplicity, I see the contradictions, I see the Shadow. I have zero respect for teachers. Especially teachers who masquerade as not being a teacher. I have very little remorse for people who teach. They have a privileged position, even if it's just for the endogenous chemicals in them that get released from the feeling of being superior as one of the supposed knowers. I'm a dirty ugly rat backed into a corner. I have no friends. I asked a lady out who is 12 years older than me and who used to be a prostitute. I don't judge that. I genuinely couldn't give a shit. Fuck it, I don't want to try and not be overbearing. I still think about how I would like to go down on her. But even she doesn't want me. Fuck it. I will fight anyone who gives me shit. Argue with the points I make. I am completely open to being proved wrong on an idea I believe to be true. If you get personal. If you betray me. I will do absolutely everything I can feasibly do to destroy you. I don't know that I can make anyone feel the shame and self-hatred I do. But I will absolute do my best to find out if I can. Phil, if you find me haughty and overbearing, look at the mechanisms of projection and transference. The problem with all you guys is, no one can remember pain. People only know the pain they feel now. If you find Nonduality, you lose that feeling and it makes you completely devoid of empathy. You haven't the faintest idea of the Hell I live in every day. You crushed me because you felt like it. So, I will crush you. I will do absolutely everything I can to destroy you if you destroy me again. You don't know me. If you did, you wouldn't have written the things you wrote. Your teachings do, and I am not lying, literally nothing to shift the self-hatred I feel. I know why the Rape of Nanking, the Rwandan Genocide, Nazi Germany happened. All people project their bullshit and it gets to a point where a man can only stand so much of that weight and then fuck it. There's nothing left to lose then. So you fight. Maybe it is all an illusion. Maybe it is, but how it feels. Maybe you never went to Hell or maybe you forgot it. Maybe you believe Solipsism. Maybe you do. But, I will do everything I can to rip away your happiness if you rip away the little peace that I get. You ripped me the fuck apart. I have no friends. Women find me ugly. All I have is mindfulness. I walk down the street and hear conversations, like tonight, and six months ago they would have set me off down a spiral of paranoia. But now I hear them and it's meta. Me looking at what would have triggered me and seeing how things can change. Expression is utterly useless to me other than just escapism for a while. No single person knows the truth. They know a 60,000 foot top down version of what is. Enlightened teachers say there is now words for what they experience. But that's the same with everybody. I can write self-hatred, Paranoid Schizophrenia, Hell. But if you haven't been there, then it's just part of the illusion. I do not sit with Kings or the Lord. I sit in the shadows. Do not insult me. Do not go there. I will use every fibre of my being to do whatever I can to remove the joy you feel. And do not hit me with the stupid laconic reply that teachers hit people with. It's all psychological games that everyone plays. Play it better. Play it wiser. You exist. I exist. You still have a psyche. You still have an ego. You're still entrenched in the not knowing. Watch 'Bambi'. If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all. To be clear, I don't like you, yes you. I never did. Because your lofty explanations, you called me haughty, fuck it, did nothing for me. I went away and thought about everything you used to write to me. I went into it. And I came out the other side feeling self-hatred and Hell. Here's expression for you. I hate you. You betrayed me. So I will betray you. Give me all the warnings you want to. The person that you are, I hate it as much as I hate myself. You teachers all think Karma isn't for you. Do your laconic reply or insult to me. I will show you psychological pain. Make more of an enemy out me. I think all you guys laugh at suffering. You don't know what this feels like. The total isolation, regardless of when I interact with people or not. You think you're in control? You think I can't rip away those supposed non-attachments? Maybe I can't. But I don't care. You cast me into Hell. If anyone doesn't like me when I haven't insulted you, then I will cast all my projections onto you and show you what I feel all day every day. I will do absolutely anything to crawl out of the horrendous filth I live in. I have nothing anymore. I'm 35 and I'm not sexually or romantically attractive to women. I can't even get a loan to fly to France and get fucked up in a French bar. Today I looked up backpacks and maps so that I could leave my phone and just walk through the UK and live as a homeless person. That's where I am at. I have no home. I am from Barbados. I don't relate to people. People don't get my jokes. People find me ugly. I just want to wander and live in fields and be as free as it is possible to be. I want to walk to Cornwall and sleep under trees. I am tired of shame and fear. I want to go to gay bars. I'm not gay. But just to feel attractive to anyone feels amazing. I'd probably even let a guy fuck me if I was drunk enough. I don't give a shit anymore. People wonder why a person could drink or use the way I used to. When I drink and use drugs, the shame, the fear, disappears. If you push me down further I will do whatever I can to drag you down, even if it destroys me. Fuck it. Don't insult me. Don't put me down. I am at the bottom of reality. Do you have any idea how ugly and terrifying people find Paranoid Schizophrenia? I know I am a freak. I know I am filth. If you see me fucked up and passed out with my face in a mush of shit and you step on it I will do everything I can to make you feel what it feels like. If you find me overbearing, haughty, narcissistic, whatever crap you want to project onto me, and you write that, I will show you the truth of where those projections come from. You. Come on. You haven't the faintest idea of how hard I have fought to not be sectioned, imprisoned, put into a psychiatric institution for life, or in Broadmoor. You don't know the absolute level of self-hatred I bear and live through to the point where people have no idea that I feel it. I have never met anyone who has any idea of how bad it is. To prove it to you. Self-hatred is far worse than Paranoid Schizophrenia. I'm not lying. I know it. Paranoid Schizophrenia is a walk in the fucking park compared to self-hatred. If you don't have anything decent to say to me, do not presume to know who and what I am. I have read Scott Kiloby's books. I have done Shadow work. I've tried Loving-kindness meditation. I've talked to so many counsellors. I had a counsellor whose whole thing was self-understanding. He, and I am not lying, after 4 sessions complained about how he had had to listen to me and proceeded to tell me exactly what he thought of me. I know I am a horrid piece of shit. Even people who I've paid to listen to me can't stand me. If it were so fucking accessible for me to stop these horrendous thoughts it would have been done. I have tried. I have spent years, years going into teachings - Self-understanding, Nonduality, Solipsism, Compassion and these thoughts and feelings keep happening. I know why absolute power corrupts. IQ is absolute garbage. Without it, there would be no human-made global warming, Communism, Fascism, AI, all that bullshit. All of us, a million years ago, should have stayed eating seedy fruit and bitter vegetables. Then we wouldn't have developed bigger brains and got to a point where we torture and murder tens of billions of animals for food or keep wiping out entire species. For what, so we could lose truth, only to look for it again as a species? I know truth in MDMA more than I have ever even got close to in Nondual teachings. If you betray me. I will betray you. If you don't like me, leave me the Hell alone. I have never liked myself. I don't need an audience of people who want to step on my head and sink it further into the filth. I write on here because I cannot tell anyone how I feel. Therapists and counsellors try to compete with me and try to outdo me. When I share in 12 Step meetings people do the same. Some people are beautiful. Some people are ugly. I know I am ugly. I couldn't be a banker. I couldn't be a charity shop volunteer. I couldn't do data entry. I couldn't do sales. I couldn't do anything I tried. I am exceptionally low in conscientiousness. I can't fix anything. I have terrible attention to detail. And yet I have a 140 IQ on average. So no one I know can joke with me or tell me anything that I find interesting. And when I get tired and start acting like myself they all look blank and confused or turn on me. Fuck it. I grew up in Barbados. Who gives a shit? It was Hell. My siblings despised me because I was smarter than them when they are older than me. They tortured me for it. My brother called me stupid every chance he got. I could spell better than him when he was 10 and I was 6. My sister had Borderline Personality Disorder, coupled with her absolutely fucking despising me. My brain was literally formed around hatred. My parents, as much as I love them, never saw it. And they never stopped it. I grew up and live in a fog of hatred. Every time I acted authentically my siblings fucking jumped all over it and crushed it. The past exists now, until I work through the emotions. I don't just have an ideology of pain. Feeling it is completely the only thing that has shifted any of this shit I deal with. I am not coming at this from a little bit of suffering. People fucking despise Paranoid Schizophrenia. It is the filth. I'm not asking anyone to come into this with me. I don't wish that on people in general. But if you kick my head into the shit that I smell I will fucking do what I can do to put you in my position. I have no sympathy, zero, for anyone who does that. And, do not give me, that laconic bullshit reply. I will cast my demon into your heart and will it there with all my being. My good qualities are that if anyone fucks with people I care about I will protect them to the ends of the Earth and beyond this place. I'm not even that unlevelled. I'm really open. I'm really open to compromise and feeling through emotions and growing from that. That's what feeling the pain does for me. It's not some bullshit dead end ideology. It's not a belief I've adopted for the Hell of it. It is the only thing that has helped me. I have good qualities. I find sex disgusting. I don't even like porn. But, show me a lady who is straight, decent, honest and I'll show her the fucking world. I'm not overbearing. I just give a shit. It freaks people out. But that's because they don't believe that it's genuine. A guy back home once insulted my Dad. I ripped him the fuck apart. He got so scared he gossipped to everyone to cover for himself. I stick by people who are fair. And if I've behaved like an asshole I don't go for people who point it out. I tell them I am sorry and I listen to them. Phil, what you said, man, I will sacrifice future lives for myself if you do that again. I really don't give a shit anymore. I'm really considering buying a large backpack and walking out of society. I'm sick of this shit. I know people generally don't like me once they get to know me. There have to be people who are like me. There has to be a lady out there who talks straight like me. I hide all the time. And it must seem narcissistic and all that pop-psychology bullshit that people throw about the place nowadays. But she's got to be out there. Sometimes I think I'm not supposed to meet anyone because she's waiting for me on the other side. Like, maybe I am a total freak. Maybe I am. And maybe there is nothing after all this. But fuck me. I will find those feelings. That Heaven. I'm probably going to do drugs again. But that's what I want from walking away from this shit. I just want to leave. If I had money I would fly to Norway and go the North of the country and see the Northern Lights. I want to go to Russia. I want to go to Ukraine and fight in a war. I want to go skydiving. I want to live and be free. Anyways, fuck it. You're just images and words in my mind. But that's all I could ever be to you too. And yet, stick me in solitary confinement and I'll go fucking crazy in new ways. I think, once they've given me labels and the fear of controlling my life completely, you just want to get the fuck out. People aren't going to shit on workaholism, or sex addiction for porn stars. It's a question of what is palatable to other people. I'm not palatable to other people. So why should other people suffer for trying to understand it? I'm a freak. I already knew that. Find me overbearing or whatever bullshit projection you want to put on me. I told you what I thought of you and I got a warning. There's obviously an asymmetry there. And you didn't even have the guts to give me the warning. You had to have somebody else do it. I don't believe you're as strong as me. You said what you wanted to say and you had to get somebody else to fight for you. Well, I'm here. You want to be a man? I have spent many years thinking about all this stuff. I won't get somebody else to speak for me. And if you think I can't tear you apart like you tore me apart, don't worry. You obviously have no idea how I feel. I would feel completely comfortable to make you feel what I feel. I'll show everyone all the attachment and preferences you have. Or maybe you'll just respond with silence - strong! So strong, right? Don't you see? You can't talk either without playing games, even by negation. I don't think you're smarter than me. So I don't think you can rely on that. Honestly, come at me. You can get other people to fight for you and push people into the delusion that you don't have attachment or preferences or whatever nonsense you want to convince people about you. Teachers are liars. They try to wash it away by saying that language can't be dualistic or some other manipulation. No, you lie. Either you're not actually Enlightened, which you're most likely not, even if it actually exists. Or we can simply go to extremes. If you had the option to be tortured by being cut all over your body and have salt and lime juice poured into your wounds before being compressed by metal plates under intense slow pressure or, alternatively, you could spend an afternoon with your favourite friend at the beach in the Mediterranean eating a nice lunch and having an ice-cream by the blue ocean. You're not a real teacher. You're a liar. You're just as delusional as me. But, don't worry. It's fine. You can have somebody else give me a warning. Because you have no courage. I may not be Enlightened or whatever. But I have more heart and more courage than you ever will. I can live through Samsara. And I know that I can kill myself. I'm not scared anymore. And people like you will have just to try and banish the inconvenient people like me who ask too many questions. So, exactly, between you and I, who is closer to Christ? Also, you robbed your ideas from the person who made you. Good for you. But to be fair. I don't like you. Just to be straight. You're a thief and I am trying to be myself. You don't have any ideas of your own. You just steal from other people like Leo or some lady who thinks she can speak from some imagined entity. And then shit on someone like me who wanders in and thinks it's alright to express themself, like you basically said to do. So, again, overbearing, not a projection? You think shame is just a concept. Fair enough, but I have no other way to express the Hell I feel. Maybe you haven't the faintest idea who I am, what I am and what I feel. But, get somebody else to do your dirty work for you and give me another warning. I may be overbearing. But, I'm not a complete coward. Intellectually, spiritually, psychologically, you are a coward. Ban me. Go ahead. You never knew me beyond your projections. The same as how I know you. But maybe you've had some understanding of the Hell I inhabit every waking second of every day.

@Phil, you can drill down into the epistemological, psychological and semantic analysis of this all you want. But you'll miss the point. You are an emotionally retarded cunt. I will never come back here. Good luck with being a cunt.

Eckhart Tolle calls it the 'Pain Body'. For me, 'The Pain' is a term that makes sense of everything. I've been advised not to overthink, not overanalyze, not do analytical jobs, to accept things, to be more compassionate and kind towards myself, to rationalize, to recontextualize, to relive memories, to understand my'self' and express my feelings. All of that kicked the can down the road. It's good for moderation. To not go too far and fast too quickly. The only thing that has helped me is to sit with emotions and not tense up. I look at what is going on in Western Europe and it scares the shit out of me. But there's fuck all I can do about it. I see beautiful women and...anyways everything, just everything. I have no first hand knowledge of why there is consciousness, why we are here, if there were past lives, if there will be life after death, if there is a God...and so on. But there is the pain. It's here. Everybody's got it. Rich people don't care about poor people. Poor people don't care about rich people and every other in-group out-group division is in that dynamic. But everybody's got the pain. So what to do about it? Other people find their way it seems. And I believed so many paths would work so many times. Over a number of years I would periodically go back to mindfulness of emotions for a week, a month or a bit longer and then bail for some other shiny path. People look at addicts acting out on an addiction and they, I think, find it vulgar and irrational. But everything in that equation from both sides is driven by the exact same thing - the pain. Rich people, poor people, everybody has the pain. All these polished theories or realisations about reality from every corner of the world are pointless, for me. I can get on my knees and pray to God and the pain is still there. All this business of Nonduality and it's associated concepts, were a security blanket for me. I figure we're going to be forced to be vegans within a decade and the whole panoply of neurological disorders, psychiatric disorders, physical disorders and auto-immune diseases will be set upon us. That along with a tipping point in toxic algae blooms, more extreme weather, terrorism, economic and political centralisation, nuclear war or soil depletion probably hitting in my lifetime just makes me see the pain everywhere. So I'm going to die anyway. And if there is life after this and if it matters in a following life, I'd like to mop up as much of the pain in me as possible. I believe in this because I'm much less paranoid, much less reactive with people and I'm happier. I'm less fucked up. My goal is emotional sobriety. I have to have meaning in this mess. It will suck to live in the society that is coming. But if I could get to the point where I don't have the pain, that would be wonderful. Love must be there to replace it.

Stuffy stuff

Thanks @Alexander. This is only the second one since I've come back to the forum. I haven't been writing anywhere else besides in'Some Parts May be Missing'.. I wanted to have a positive name to write under. Thanks.

Some stuff.