Why am I so obsessed with this random girl?

[spiritual dreams]

I thought I would have grown out of this stupid shit by now but lately I've been completely obsessed with this random girl I met at this meditation group.

I've literally only had a thirty second conversation with her, but I'm thinking about her all the fucking time. Fantasizing about being in a relationship, falling in love etc. I have like zero idea of what her personality is like but I'm projecting my ideal partner onto her.

This isn't the first time this has happened and every time it has ended horribly for me. I plan on asking her out but I still haven't fully healed myself and a lot of insecurity and desperation will seep through.

Why is the happening and what do I do?

[Orb]

@spiritual dreams that's common among men 😂. You're not alone. 

 

Men are visually stimulated, meaning when you see a cute girl all of a sudden it's like woah I like her I wanna be with her she seems amazing she's so down to earth and cool looking, I wonder what our kids would look like, etc. 

 

Women are stimulated more by personality / getting to know you, which is why it takes longer for them to become attracted to you with the same intensity that you feel for them. 

[Mandy]

Look up limerence on youtube or google. It makes it so that you don't actually WANT to speak to people you're interested in or to spend time with them, or to actually love or appreciate them because it's the idea of them you seek. 

 

Likely because of beliefs and fears like this ...

9 minutes ago, spiritual dreams said:

a lot of insecurity and desperation will seep through.

the idea seems safer. And the stickiness makes actually interacting harder and the harder the interaction the more enticing the idea of the person seems to be even though, it actually feels awful. 

 

After reading about limerence, recognize that limerence is not a "thing" or a problem you have, it's just one thought at a time. Focus the thoughts on what you DO want, and know that those thoughts are focused based on how they feel. 

[spiritual dreams]

@Mandy Bruh you literally read my mind.

I have an idea of her in my head that actually makes it more difficult to talk to her. How do I break out?

[spiritual dreams]

14 minutes ago, Orb said:

@spiritual dreams Men are visually stimulated, meaning when you see a cute girl all of a sudden it's like woah I like her I wanna be with her she seems amazing she's so down to earth and cool looking, I wonder what our kids would look like, etc. 

Why is this so true 😭😭

[Mandy]

@spiritual dreams Actually love and appreciate her. Be open and curious to learning more, whatever she's like. Maybe you're not actually interested in her but you are interested in finding out whether or not you are. Stay with the curiosity. There's nothing at stake. 

 

Here's the most ridiculously sounding, deepest thing you'll ever learn. Love feels like love. You don't like, or love something conceptually, only directly. There's nothing at stake because the idea you have of her is not her, and the only thing you've got is curiosity. 

 

It's a good thing. You feel something, your interested in someone. Awesome. Every time you think of her should feel great. If it doesn't, there's something ELSE to get curious about, your beliefs. 

 

Either way, you win. 

[spiritual dreams]

@Mandy hmmm. what if she rejects me?

[Mandy]

1 minute ago, spiritual dreams said:

@Mandy hmmm. what if she rejects me?

Lack of curiosity killed Schrodinger's cat. 

 

Why have we gotten that far ahead of ourselves though? You don't know if the cat is alive or dead, if it's dead, then you can get in cremated and buy some pretty glass art with cat ashes, and something pretty will be made of it anyway. Such is alchemy of the universe. If it's alive then you have to clean a litter box every week. Not as great as it sounds anyway. 

 

 

[Orb]

15 minutes ago, spiritual dreams said:

Why is this so true 😭😭

Such a funny paradox.

 

Men are physically stronger yet catch feelings for girls immediately and experience heartbreak more often.

 

Women are physically weaker but emotionally stronger and take longer to catch feelings for a guy.

[spiritual dreams]

@Mandy I know logically that this is true and yet my feelings and my parts make rejection seem like the end of the world. There is even a part of me that is scared if she says yes. Then my life would change a lot and I would be in the unknown which terrifies me.

[spiritual dreams]

@Orb societal conditioning I guess

[Phil]

As is always the case suffering is how a thought / belief feels. It’s not ‘some thing’, it’s direct. 
 

You believe she is other or not you and therein are rejecting yourself and that is the suffering evidenced by there is suffering felt yet she has not rejected you. 
 

Then you believe she is what you want and if she rejects you there might be suffering. This is overlooking that suffering is how the belief feels. 
 

Without rejecting yourself seeming need is readily experienced as preferences appearing, wants or desires if you will, and you are already, eternally whole and complete. 
 

The key is the admittance that in rejecting yourself suffering is already the case. Not some thing which may or may not happen in a future.
 

You are un-rejectable and unacceptable. But thought can make it seem so. 
 

Some will, some won’t, so what. Dream and live big, as it were. 

[Blessed2]

The real relationship is limitless.

[spiritual dreams]

@Phil idk maybe i just really want a gf 😂

On 9/13/2023 at 6:00 PM, Phil said:

You are un-rejectable and unacceptable. But thought can make it seem so. 

Idk rejection is definitely  thing that can happen... Otherwise the world would be so much easier🤣

[Phil]

@spiritual dreams

The world’s as easy as you allow.

 

Here’s a different take on the situation… she is, right? She already is. 

Did you have to do anything for her to be? Did you accept some thing for her to be?

What about you? Are you having to do anything for you to be? 

You wake up every morning and that you are is allowed without a second thought. 

 

Accept yourself right now. 

What changed?

Nothing.

 

Reject yourself right now.

What changed?

Nothing. 

 

Rejection is not a thing, it’s a concept, overlayed upon the world. 

 

Preferences arise, you experience preferences, right?

So does she. 

 

If a girl you don’t feel attraction or chemistry for asks you out and you decline - did you reject her?

Do you want her to believe / feel she was rejected?

 

You (perhaps) eat a burger instead of a hot dog. Was the hot dog rejected, or was a preference exercised? 

 

Let’s say you approach her.. and she “rejects you”. So what. What are you protecting? What’s the actual concern? There are billions of females. 

Apparently. 😉 

 

Point to the one being rejected or potentially rejected. 

Likely pointing to a body. 

If that’s you, what’s being the body?

What’s aware of a body?

[Blessed2]

3 hours ago, spiritual dreams said:

the world would be so much easier

 

3 hours ago, Phil said:

The world’s as easy as you allow.

 

@spiritual dreams The why ease is not "allowed" is due to unconscious guilt.

 

There's a belief in separation and it directly manifests as guilt. (And unworthiness. What does the guilty deserve, but punishment?) It's the un-allowing ease, happiness and well-being. You're sentencing yourself.

 

Though the burden of the belief in guilt is so enormous it's denied, and what's denied cannot but be projected.

 

That's what grievances, judgement and blame is. It's projection of guilt.

 

Your unconscious mind knows there's really only one here. So all thoughts you have about "other people" are really messages from yourself, to yourself.

 

If you judge, you are really being judged yourself.

 

If you deem another to be unworthy, you deem yourself to be unworthy.

 

And hence there seems to be an experience of lack etc.

 

This sickness can be healed by reversing the process of the projection. AKA forgiveness.

 

Forgive everyone unconditionally. It does not matter who they are or what form the "sin" you project takes. Forgive unconditionally, without evaluating the seriousness of whatever it is or whoever it is you forgive. Deem everyone eternally and perfectly innocent. "You are always innocent, pure, holy and deserving, and you can't change my mind, even if you tried." In fact, go as far as to not see "others" as a body with an individual mind, but as literally boundless everything. "The Face of Christ".

 

When that is the message you send to yourself, what can there be other than the experience of being perfectly worthy? Can life be anything less than easy and abundant for the perfectly innocent and deserving and unlimited?

 

[spiritual dreams]

@Phil I've done some introspecting on your words and I've noticed some interesting things about my fear of rejection. There are seemingly 2 parts to my obsession.

 

The first is that I have a deep seated feelings of unworthiness. That I am somehow inferior to others because of some certain traits like looks, race, confidence, body count or lack thereof, etc. If a girl rejects be it will because of those factors and it will just prove these feelings of not being good enough.

 

The seconds is that a part of me sees her (and other girls) as something that I need and I am missing. Like if I have her, all of my problems will be solved. Therefore my happiness depends on whether she likes me. Hence why rejection feels like the end of the world

[Phil]

@spiritual dreams

That’s really excellent. You could also question the true nature / direct experience of the unworthiness & happiness. They might not be as deep rooted or conditional as it seems. 

[spiritual dreams]

@Phil I've been going super deep into all my negative thoughts around girls. I desperately want relationships and sex with women, because there is a feeling of incompleteness and unworthiness having not had sex with women, another part of me then has anxiety around women, believing that my self worth relies on their approval and also feeling shame for being attracted to them and being terrified of expressing my attraction to them. And yet another part of me wants to avoid women and stay in my comfort zone because they cause me so much suffering due to the previously mentioned parts.

 

It's a pretty nasty cycle, but there is somehow my true self which know that is all bullshit and sometimes shines through. When I am grounded in my true self, interacting with women is effortless and fun. But now my parts are trying to force me into that effortless state which doesn't work.

On 9/17/2023 at 3:41 AM, Phil said:

@spiritual dreams

That’s really excellent. You could also question the true nature / direct experience of the unworthiness & happiness. They might not be as deep rooted or conditional as it seems. 

can you elaborate on this?

[Phil]

On 9/19/2023 at 5:58 PM, spiritual dreams said:

can you elaborate on this?

 

On 9/16/2023 at 9:19 PM, spiritual dreams said:

The first is that I have a deep seated feelings of unworthiness.

Unworthiness is an emotion. It’s applicable to thoughts, not entities. It’s how the belief feels. (There’s no “believer” at fault or anything.) 

That there are feelings (plural) is a concept about feeling. The more feeling is directly inspected, the more feeling is found to be without borders, edges or separation (no plurality found). 

 

On 9/16/2023 at 9:19 PM, spiritual dreams said:

That I am somehow inferior to others because of some certain traits like looks, race, confidence, body count or lack thereof, etc. If a girl rejects be it will because of those factors and it will just prove these feelings of not being good enough.

It can’t be proven there are feelings of (not being good enough). 

 

Imagine walking into a long trial halfway through and saying ‘hey everybody… there’s no judge’. People would likely point to the judge and tell you you’re nuts. And you tell em, ‘right, for sure, it totally seems like there’s a judge. I get it. Totally. But there actually isn’t.’ Then the judge starts laughing and let’s you know she in fact is the judge. And you tell her, ‘yes for sure, it totally seems like there’s a judge… a knower of good & bad, right & wrong, worth & unworthy…but there just isn’t actually’.

 

Who is the knower which knows there is worthiness & unworthiness, inferiority & superiority? 

Who is the judge which judges who is and isn’t worthy, who is and isn’t inferior?

Who knows there aren’t preferences arising, but rather that there is a separate self which is rejected by another self?