Is my friend too controlling?

[Rose]

I have written about this friend before, but I am still having issues with her. She is also a new friend and I’ve only hung out with her maybe 7 times in total and she lives in my building. 

 

A few weeks ago, we were supposed to go for a walk. She had a fitness class that was supposed to end at 7:45, and I wanted to do a workout at home too. I told her over the phone that if I finish my workout earlier I’d walk towards her fitness studio and we can meet on the way there and start our walk. Basically these are the texts after.

 

 

 

I am the blue text. 
 

Basically what happened is that I thought she was still at the studio when I left, so I told her I rather walk towards her than wait in front of another store that she told me to stop at. And I said I need to go to shoppers anyways (which is a store kind of like Walgreens close to her studio) - I honestly didn’t even “need” to go to that store, I just thought if I am in the area I might as well go look at some tweezers. 
 

I feel that she is very bossy and I get anxious anytime I need to schedule something with her. Something similar happened with her today. She asked me a couple of days ago to go for a walk together today, so I asked her if we can walk to grocery store since I haven’t had lunch/dinner and that I probably won’t be able to walk to the place she wants to go to as well since I still have a lot of things to do. These are the texts.

 

 

I don’t understand why she is so weird about where we walk to. I’ve walked with her to the same grocery store, same department store when she needed something and it never bothered me. 
 

Also we are not close friends at all, but I already feel very bad about the friendship, like she’s too controlling. 

Is it ok for me to stop talking to her if I don’t feel good about it?

Edited August 27, 2023 by Rose

[Blessed2]

She doesn't seem controlling. It seems like she wants to simply form a friendship with you but you don't want the same and she's kind of disappointed.

[Devin]

She seems nice to me, I don't know you but it seems you're being insecure or afraid of being controlled, like you suffered from control abuse in the past and are on super alert for it, not by this post but your texts. I think she's trying to be thoughtful, and you seem a bit cold to her, by only these texts that is, I don't know the history between you two or the in person dynamic. Yes please quit trying to have a half ass relationship if you don't want one, she wants a real friendship not a fake one.

Edited August 27, 2023 by Devin

[WhiteOwl]

She seems Nice to me as well. 
Like she is trying to make it work.

I completely get her point in the last text. Do you just want someone to walk next to you while you walk to do groceries so you dont feel lonely or bored, or do you want to hang out with her and have a nice talk. 
Both Can happen but focus should be at seeing and being with her otherwise i understand she doesnt want to.

To me it seems From that text you are being the most controlling🤷‍♂️

Edited August 27, 2023 by WhiteOwl

[Blessed2]

You say in the last pic "Why do you need everything to be 100% your way?" but you start off with "I'd rather walk than stand" and "I like to have a destination when I walk". And "I don't have time" etc. She's trying to hang out with you but you're making it quite impossible by not taking what she suggests in account and just focusing on what you want. Basically, at least in these conversations it's you that needs to have everything be your way.

 

3 hours ago, Rose said:

She had a fitness class that was supposed to end at 7:45, and I wanted to do a workout at home too. I told her over the phone that if I finish my workout earlier I’d walk towards her fitness studio and we can meet on the way there and start our walk. Basically these are the texts after.

 

Why didn't you just go where she was and walk with her? You just basically said "Ima go to this store" even though you had plans to have a walk together lol. She asked you to stop at the canada post so she could catch up and you could walk together and you said "I'd rather just keep walking." 😂 Like you had zero consideration of your plans. That comes across as if you don't really want to hang out with her.

 

Later she asks if you want to get ice cream or sweet potatoes cause previously you said you need a destination when you walk. She's taking in account your wishes, trying to make it work with you.

[Phil]

6 hours ago, Rose said:

I feel that she is very bossy and I get anxious

The thought arises; “she is very bossy”… and discord is felt. 

But the discord felt, of the thought, is projected onto her as if coming from or caused by her, and this is overlooked by labeling the emotion / emotional guidance as “anxiety”. 

 

6 hours ago, Rose said:

I don’t understand why she is so weird about where we walk to. I’ve walked with her to the same grocery store, same department store when she needed something and it never bothered me.

She isn’t what bothers you. 

 

6 hours ago, Rose said:

don’t understand why she is so weird about where we walk to. I’ve walked with her to the same grocery store, same department store when she needed something and it never bothered me. 

She isn’t what’s weird. Projection is what’s weird. Takes a minute to notice. 

 

6 hours ago, Rose said:

Also we are not close friends at all, but I already feel very bad about the friendship, like she’s too controlling. 

When you ‘reach for a more aligned thought’, magically… reality changes. 

 

6 hours ago, Rose said:

Is it ok for me to stop talking to her if I don’t feel good about it?

Of course. It’s also ok to question or inspect that thought, and how it relates to feeling. Maybe what’s found is there is no truth whatsoever to the thought that you don’t feel good (in anyway about anything).☺️

 

Probably sounds weird (hopefully just initially) but… the knower knows how the knower feels… by overlooking the unreality of the knower. 

 

I also think there’s some truth to what @Devin mentioned as the theme is control / it’s not my fault. The Good news & Truth is in fact that it is not your fault. There is transmutation. Pain into beauty. 

[Devin]

35 minutes ago, Phil said:

The thought arises; “she is very bossy”… and discord is felt. 

But the discord felt, of the thought, is projected onto her as if coming from or caused by her, and this is overlooked by labeling the emotion / emotional guidance as “anxiety”. 

 

She isn’t what bothers you. 

 

She isn’t what’s weird. Projection is what’s weird. Takes a minute to notice. 

 

When you ‘reach for a more aligned thought’, magically… reality changes. 

 

Of course. It’s also ok to question or inspect that thought, and how it relates to feeling. Maybe what’s found is there is no truth whatsoever to the thought that you don’t feel good (in anyway about anything).☺️

 

Probably sounds weird (hopefully just initially) but… the knower knows how the knower feels… by overlooking the unreality of the knower. 

"unreality" nice one Phil, I'm stealing that.

[Rose]

6 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

She asked you to stop at the canada post so she could catch up and you could walk together and you said "I'd rather just keep walking." 😂 Like you had zero consideration of your plans. That comes across as if you don't really want to hang out with her.

She didn’t specify to stop at the Canada post so she can catch up. She just told me to stop there. Like an order. She specified 10 minutes after when I already walked past it there, I thought she was still at her class (which is right next to there store I was walking to) and far away (so I didn’t want to just stand there waiting) since I left right after her surprised text that I was still home (which I was supposed to be at)

 

Edited August 27, 2023 by Rose

[Rose]

5 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Why didn't you just go where she was and walk with her? You just basically said "Ima go to this store" even though you had plans to have a walk together lol.

Because her fitness class was right next to the store I told her I was walking to, so I was walking where she was.

Like I said, I picked the store/her fitness class because I usually walk to a destination, not because I need to go to the store. I thought she was still there. 

Edited August 27, 2023 by Rose

[Rose]

6 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

you just want someone to walk next to you while you walk to do groceries so you dont feel lonely or bored, or do you want to hang out with her and have a nice talk. 

I have a job, exams, and I barely have time to do anything. I’ve explained it to her multiple, but she doesn’t get it, probably like you don’t, because she only works and even that is hard for her - which is fine most people don’t know what it’s like to work full time and study.
 

Plus I’ve only hung out with her 7 times - 3/7 those times we went to the store or did her “chores” and it didn’t bother me. I don’t consider her a close friend and I don’t enjoy hanging out with her.

Also, I want planning to “do groceries”, just pick up salmon from there. Although when I went there with her, she actually did do her groceries, and I had to wait 20 minutes although it was my lunch hour.

Edited August 27, 2023 by Rose

[Rose]

5 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Later she asks if you want to get ice cream or sweet potatoes cause previously you said you need a destination when you walk. She's taking in account your wishes, trying to make it work with you.

She said she wanted to get ice cream because she is hungry. I don’t even eat dairy. I had to wait in line with her for 15-20 minutes.

 

Having a destination to walk to is a common tip for anyone who wants to do more walking during the day.

Edited August 27, 2023 by Rose

[Rose]

6 hours ago, Devin said:

She seems nice to me, I don't know you but it seems you're being insecure or afraid of being controlled, like you suffered from control abuse in the past and are on super alert for it, not by this post but your texts. I think she's trying to be thoughtful, and you seem a bit cold to her, by only these texts that is, I don't know the history between you two or the in person dynamic. Yes please quit trying to have a half ass relationship if you don't want one, she wants a real friendship not a fake one.

 

I don’t like texting, and prefer phone calls, so I always just reply to the point. She likes to send lots of texts.

 

I don’t know if I am ready to have a “real friendship” with her after hanging out just a few times. And I do have a very busy schedule with work and exams.

 

I don’t think she is my type of person, because she is very conservative and gives unsolicited advice. It’s very taxing for me to hang out with her, because she does a lot of moralizing like “my coworker didn’t say hi back to me, and she is such an impolite person, she didn’t say thank you to me the other day too, can you believe it? She is probably jealous of me because she is old”

[Rose]

6 hours ago, Devin said:

Yes please quit trying to have a half ass relationship if you don't want one, she wants a real friendship not a fake one.

What is a “real friendship”? And why do I need to want a “real friendship” with someone I barely know? Friendships happen naturally over a course of time, not because you force it to happen. 

[Devin]

5 minutes ago, Rose said:

What is a “real friendship”? And why do I need to want a “real friendship” with someone I barely know? Friendships happen naturally over a course of time, not because you force it to happen. 

Being nice, caring, and considerate to someone you do things with.

[Rose]

41 minutes ago, Devin said:

Being nice, caring, and considerate to someone you do things with.

But I don’t think she is being considerate to my time.

 

Originally we were supposed to go for a walk on Friday at some point after work, she texted me to meet earlier at 4 because she wanted to do the walk and then have an evening free. I said I can’t do 4 because I have a gym class at 5 and I usually work till then. Then I msg-ed her that I decided not to go to my class, but she said she already shuffled her plans, let’s do Saturday instead (which I wasn’t super comfortable with to begin with)
 

So it feels kind of like she wants me to be convenient for her, but when I ask for the same, she gets annoyed.

 

And I don’t mind being convenient for someone, it even makes me happy when people are efficient/they can do some of their chores with me. That is why I am genuinely surprised she takes offence to this/takes it so personal.

 

My therapist holds therapy sessions with me while she is on a train/bus/colouring her hair. It never bothered me one second, because I know she still gives me quality advice and is attentive to me. On the contrary, I am happy that she can also get other things done while talking to me. Plus she has a busy schedule, but because of this, she can fit me in on a short notice.

Edited August 27, 2023 by Rose

[Rose]

4 hours ago, Phil said:

I also think there’s some truth to what @Devin mentioned as the theme is control / it’s not my fault. The Good news & Truth is in fact that it is not your fault. There is transmutation. Pain into beauty. 

This is what I am very confused about. 

 

I do know that whenever we blame other people for how we feel around them, there is projection and not taking “responsibility” for our emotions. 
 

But! Since 95-99% of people are full of ego, wouldn’t there be a degree of truth that some people can trigger those emotions in us? 
 

Like for example, if you know that you feel uneasy next to a rapist, is it truly just about managing your own projections? Isn’t it reasonable for you not to want to hang out with a rapist? 
 

How do you decide whom to be friends with and whom to have in your life and whom not to have if you are accepting and loving of everyone?

[Devin]

1 hour ago, Rose said:

But I don’t think she is being considerate to my time.

 

Originally we were supposed to go for a walk on Friday at some point after work, she texted me to meet earlier at 4 because she wanted to do the walk and then have an evening free. I said I can’t do 4 because I have a gym class at 5 and I usually work till then. Then I msg-ed her that I decided not to go to my class, but she said she already shuffled her plans, let’s do Saturday instead (which I wasn’t super comfortable with to begin with)
 

So it feels kind of like she wants me to be convenient for her, but when I ask for the same, she gets annoyed.

 

And I don’t mind being convenient for someone, it even makes me happy when people are efficient/they can do some of their chores with me. That is why I am genuinely surprised she takes offence to this/takes it so personal.

 

My therapist holds therapy sessions with me while she is on a train/bus/colouring her hair. It never bothered me one second, because I know she still gives me quality advice and is attentive to me. On the contrary, I am happy that she can also get other things done while talking to me. Plus she has a busy schedule, but because of this, she can fit me in on a short notice.

      She may be, but in relationships we must be forgiving, understanding, and give grace and benefit of the doubt. Us here don't have the full picture like you do, just what I see on here is you may be expecting too much bending over backwards for you with none in return from you. It's okay to change plans and have to reschedule walks, now if she was supposed to drive you home from surgery and did that to catch a movie you drop her ass like a hot coal.

Edited August 27, 2023 by Devin

[Rose]

15 minutes ago, Devin said:

      She may be, but in relationships we must be forgiving, understanding, and give grace and benefit of the doubt. Us here don't have the full picture like you do, just what I see on here is you may be expecting too much bending over backwards for you with none in return from you. It's okay to change plans and have to reschedule walks, now if she was supposed to drive you home from surgery and did that to catch a movie you drop her ass like a hot coal.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable to ask her to drive me home from surgery. I like friendships that are more independent.

 

How do I know whether I want to be friends with her? I am very confused, I feel like she does remind me of my mom and grandma a lot. With should’s and shouldn’ts, “proper” ways to do things, like she even sees a “proper” way to do friendships. 
 

Like she told me once she is mad at her coworker because she keeps working from home when they are supposed to be in the office twice a week. I asked her if she really needs her coworker to be in the office. She said she doesn’t even work with her really. To me it’s insane that she cares about such things and with such emotion, especially if it doesn’t affect her in any way. 
 

I think I’m a bit more liberal in my thinking, and she is on the conservative side. And I do have a bone to pick with conservatives, that’s true. In fact, it seems to be my biggest struggle right now that I don’t know how to get over. I do want to run away from those kind of people. 
 

So the question is, can I really be friends with her?  Because it’s true, I do think subconsciously I have been avoiding her.

Edited August 27, 2023 by Rose

[Devin]

8 minutes ago, Rose said:

 

 

How do I know whether I want to be friends with her? 
 

 

If you want to spend time with her or not.

[Rose]

14 minutes ago, Devin said:

If you want to spend time with her or not.

I think I do only if it’s small amounts of time, like up to 1 hour.

Edited August 27, 2023 by Rose