Expression

[noomii]

I experience doubt about if I want to write here and what I even want to write. I want to avoid regret, guilt and insecurity after sharing.
Feeling fatigue today and have not been doing much. I don't feel good about being alone again and feels like I'm back in mud pool that feels difficult to get out of.

I've used Holy basil for over a week now but haven't noticed any difference that seem linked with the supplement. It's 750 mg per pill and some days I take 2250 mg.

I don't know what to do now, I think there are a lot of things I should do but I feel very fatigued and I feel like focusing on what feels easy and good.

Edited January 2 by noomii

[noomii]

I woke up by noon and I've only been watching videos of bears and camping all day. Haven't paid much attention to emotions other than meditation when I woke up.

Feel guilt about this day and it feels like I'm not in control.

Might use emotional scale before bed but the thought of it doesn't feel good.

Maybe I should write down how I can change approach. I don't feel very willing to live life.

I notice I feel guilt anytime I happen to write about feeling sorry for myself, victim mentality or just wanting attention. I believe I shouldn't write about it, but that's mostly because I care about what people think of me. I don't really understand why some think wanting attention is bad.

It would probably be loving to just let me be as I am.

Hoping I will go to bed early as I have a seminar early tomorrow.

[noomii]

Everything will work out perfectly for me today.
I want to feel relaxed, content, hopefulness, happiness and empowerment.
I will start working out again today after a few days rest. I want to run and do some strength exercise for my back and legs.

I feel pessimism right now I think, thoughts about not wanting to be alive comes up regularly.

Feeling pretty ungrounded and breath is shallow.

About career path.

I think I want to work with something related to wilderness and spirituality.
I want to see if working in the forest with hiking or bushcraft is what I want. I've read about educations like nature guide where I lead a group but I'm not sure if it's right for me.
I helped my landlord with their forest and firewood two years ago but it's not the kind of work I want.

I don't want to work alone in the forest.

I could apply for a job without education for next summer by the ski resorts where people hike but I don't think I would get to work with what I want. Also I don't have a drivers license so if I'd go there I would be stuck there the whole summer almost. One good thing though is that you get accommodation there.

I could also work in a store with natural supplements/medicine because it feels like it would come natural to me. I think it would be possible without a special education if I just got to learn from the people working there. My job coach have said it's not easy to get full time and that it's not well paid.

I feel pretty much done living here, I'd much rather travel to a new country and work.
It would also be nice to have a job where I get to travel and not stay in one place.

 

Today:

Acknowledge emotions.

Workout.

Write down what spiritual practices I want to focus on.
Write down what I want to focus on with work and finding new home. 

GO TO BED EARLY!!!! 21.30. 

[noomii]

Last night in a dream a woman dragged out a long thing out of my left ear, like a tissue or something?
The woman told me I need to take this out of my ear otherwise I will bleed, then she continued to look if I had more.
She was also tattooing "The Powerpuff Girls" by my shoulderblades. Not writing it, she actually tattooed the girls. 😂
Then I showed the tattoo to a little girl who was curious. I think we were on a concert waiting for some artist.

I assume the ears was about needing to let go of something emotionally so that it will feel easier to listen to my parents.

I'm not sure what the tattoo means. I used to watch the powerpuff girls when I was a kid. Maybe it was some kind of symbol of empowerment and maybe the little girl was me but as a child?

I feel a lot of worry about the tasks I believe I need to get done and it seems like I don't have time for a lot of things. Not even journaling.
I'm trying to be mindful as much as possible now and take deep breaths.

[noomii]

I've been sleeping better this week as I wake up less often at night, it might be because of the Holy Basil.
It would be great if I could wake up earlier. I'm not using an alarm clock in the morning now when I don't have to because it feels too stressful for my body to force myself up when I haven't got enough sleep. So right now I want to focus on going to bed early so that I can wake up by myself early fully rested.

I feel doubt about if I'm even doing things right with all of these healing practices and what I even should focus on. Feels like I'm not doing enough or not the right thing. I just feel so ungrounded and tense.

I wish I didn't need Facebook for events. My intention was to only use it for events that is happening but it is so disturbing to have the app on the phone as it makes me go there out of habit and it feels so off. I think I need to be more intentional and maybe delete or block the app if I'm not using it.
I don't have a computer so I'm only using the phone for everything I do.
I downloaded a minimalist app recently which makes me see only 4 apps, I don't see the icons, only the letters. If I want another app I need to search for it. So far it seem to feel better and less addictive I think.

Today:
Be mindful of emotions and breathe deeply.
Focus on whats most important to prepare for next weeks meeting.
Work out, go for a run.
Go to bed early.

[noomii]

Right now I'm focused on breath awareness meditation and Nadi Shodhana in the morning. I feel boredom about the practice but I also feel drawn to more slow focused breathing. I feel tense when doing Nadi Shodhana.

It feels easier to relax with breathing practices when lying down.

Edited January 6 by noomii

[noomii]

I feel a lot of worry about talking to my coach tomorrow again.
I have postponed a lot of what I need to do to find work or new place to live, just because of overwhelm, fear and doubt. It's just now this past month I'm more focused on it.
But even now it just seems like I'm wasting a lot of time. I don't have anything new to tell her tomorrow, I feel so much doubt about what I want to do now and she can't tell me what to do. I feel like I need help but she can't help me.

I've been mindful and breathing deep a lot today but it hasn't helped much. I've thought it might be better to sit with the emotional scale as I spend the same time just sitting with the same emotion anyways. But for some reason I feel resistance about the emotional scale because it has seemed like it haven't done much for me and that it makes me put effort on things that I don't prioritize.
I've also thought about writing down all beliefs I want to question. But if I do the emotional scale it feels like it's too much effort to also sit and question beliefs.

 

I have around two hours more to get things done before tomorrow. 

 

[noomii]

I also haven't recovered from a cough I've had since beginning of November which is strange. I've had a cold and fever often too.

[Mandy]

If it were me, I'd suggest staying really well hydrated 24/7 for a week straight if you can to kick the virus. 

 

Write down what it is that you do want, start small, (yellow flowers, a new jacket) move up from there.

[noomii]

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

If it were me, I'd suggest staying really well hydrated 24/7 for a week straight if you can to kick the virus. 

Not sure how much I should drink. I drink a lot less after 6pm just because I don't want to wake up at night to go to the toilet.

 

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

Write down what it is that you do want, start small, (yellow flowers, a new jacket) move up from there.

Thanks. To me it seems like I have to do things I don't want, like having a job I don't like.

[noomii]

These two hours did not go as I wanted. So exhausted. Oh well

[noomii]

My job coach showed me a wilderness/adventure guide training that is on a higher level, so it's easier to get a job after it and you can make your own business.

I think I'm going to apply for it even though I'm not sure if it's what I want. I'm not interested in the part with winter activites by the mountains, climbing or skiing. Might be good to just do new things so that new creative ideas can flow.

I'm going to apply for a job in the same place now to work until the training starts in autumn and tell them I'm planning on staying there after summer for the training. If I change my mind later I can just do something else.

 

Other than that I really want to prepare for a big adventure and travel a lot. I want my income to support my traveling.

 

 

 

I'm also listening to this daily, not at night though. I felt more drawn to these affirmations a few weeks ago when it felt good, it doesn't feel the same now, it's more like I'm thinking I should listen.

 

I'm not sure how I feel right now, maybe worry. My breath is really shallow.

 

I'm going to give my hair and scalp som oil and massage now 🙂 Then I'm going to focus on the emotional scale.

Edited January 10 by noomii

[noomii]

Apparently my mom have been sleeping on the floor in the living room this night because of drinking. My dad tried to get her up at night but it didn't work.

I don't know why I get judgemental about mom being drunk but not as much with people outside the family. Her personality gets so changed.

I think she's feeling grief about her mom passing away a few weeks ago and she might not get to drink as much this weekend when we're around relatives.

My dad felt a lot of anger & blame because we were supposed to drive one hour earlier than we did this morning and that we have ruined his mood for the whole day.

Now I'm going to sit in the same car as them for more than 12 hours traveling.

I'm going to take a nap, then it's time for morning meditation & breathwork. ❤️

Edited February 7 by noomii

[noomii]

I just want to completely let go of the worry and fear about being alive and thoughts about how I don't want to be alive. I'm not sure how, those thoughts seem to just naturally disappear when I focus on something else but they come back and it never seem like I genuinely want to live life fully. It seems like I'm stuck in endless suffering. I hate the feeling of effort and to constantly work on myself.
I feel like I have so many topics I want to post and ask about in the emptying section but it feels too much to read or engage in.

 

I want to have a routine of questioning thoughts again. I want more clarity on how to question thoughts more easily.

I can't reflect or contemplate easily on things I read like people normally do. Whenever Phil writes any kind of question where you have to reflect on it, it feels difficult to focus, feels difficult emotionally/physically and I just want to avoid it. I think it feels difficult when it's not direct experience.

I met a psychologist in January that I had waited two months for and I need to wait another two months for the next meeting. I will probably need to repeat most of what I already told him. It seems like a waste of money but I also want help and I want to talk to someone a lot more often than that. I feel more relaxed and free to talk about whatever I want with women.

[noomii]

Without the comments and judgements about how there's something wrong with “this forum”, I don't think there's anything wrong with “this forum”.

[noomii]

I feel so much fucking frustration about not BEING ABLE TO SLEEP!!!! I'm putting in so much effort to go to bed early but NO here I am 1 am. Just because stupid ITCHY THROAT. I think the coughing, swallowing and itchiness is an emotional issue or that the body is not healing properly from some virus because of stress. I've been coughing on and off for some years too, not "asthma".

Louise Hay - "cough: A desire to bark at the world. “Listen to me!” 😂 so accurate.

"Throat: Avenue of expression. Channel of creativity. – Throat Problems: The inability to speak up for one’s self. Swallowed anger. Stifled creativity. Refusal to change."

 

I felt incredibly tired during the day and tried to nap for one hour but didn't fall asleep.

 

I've experienced pain by the heart the past days too. I think I'm going to call Dr on monday. Last week my uncle shared that he has felt pain by the heart but there was nothing physically wrong with him, and I just mentioned I've experienced the same and I thought it was because of stress. His wife happens to work as a nurse for people with heart problems and she said firmly that I should call next time it happens. Maybe it just happened again because I focused on it.

 

Louise Hay - "Heart: Represents the center of love and security. – Heart Attack: Squeezing all the joy out of the heart in favor of money or position. Feeling alone and scared. “I’m not good enough. I don’t do enough. I’ll never make it.” – Heart Problems: Longstanding emotional problems. Lack of joy. Hardening of the heart. Belief in strain and stress."

Edited February 18 by noomii

[noomii]

I feel so FUCKING MISUNDERSTOOD! I feel grief and anger!!!!! I think most people who know me misunderstands and judges my life situation very negatively. That I'm just LAZY.

One of my sisters probably understands more than others but I think she misunderstands some things too.

My dad said that my mental health is all my fault lol. Our communication doesn't work right now. In a while he will realize he's old and dies soon and we will probably behave differently

 

These are just beliefs!!!!!

[noomii]

I'm crying way more often than I used to!

I just had a crying meditation session. Usually it feels good to cry but not so good right now, I think there's a lot more wanting to be released. 

I feel like I have so much I want to express but I'm going to sleep now.

[noomii]

I have tried again to use the emotional scale for a few days and IT FEELS AWFUL, I DON'T SEE HOW I CAN USE IT EVERYDAY.

Today I started from insecurity to contentment but I am too fucking tired to continue after that. I feel so much frustration and anger now I think. I JUST WANT TO SHOUT AND WRITE ANGRILY.

I THINK I'M ADDING SOME RESISTANCE TO EMOTIONAL SCALE AND MEDITATION BECAUSE I CAN'T RELAX!!!!! 

😂

Edited February 25 by noomii

[noomii]

I don't feel good today. I fell asleep after 4am some time and I interrupted the sleep I got a lot and woke up by noon.
I just feel so bad, pessimism, worry, powerlessness? I don't know. I feel very isolated right now.
There's so much I want to write but I feel doubt about if I should write at all because I feel a lot of insecurity after just being honest, I'm assuming people are judging me negatively.

A dream from the other night:
I was going for a walk in the woods and I stopped by a man and a little boy. The boy was sitting on a rock and the man was by a tiny building fixing the firewood.
I saw a bear so I stopped and told the man. I walked inside the small building. The man wasn't worried and the bear just walked away. I asked the man where the road goes the direction I walked towards and I don't remember what he said.
Then the bear soon walked past us on the road. Then it walked away again. Then it came back but this time it had maybe four other bears with it. One of them were really big and bulky. They looked like grizzlies.
I hid with the man inside the small building and closed the doors and the man said that these thin walls won't protect us. He looked to see if the boy was ok, he was like 10 m away outside sitting on that rock but the bears didn't do anything to him.
I asked him, if the bears attack us then we just lay down and play dead right?
We looked at how much time had passed.

I was looking away but the man tried to get me to look at the bears. The bears surrounded us and the biggest bear came first by my side.
The bears said something to us.
I felt so much fear.
I thought to myself that now it's definitely not possible to get help.

Then I woke up 😰 that really seemed real.


In another dream later that night I was with my parents in a house somewhere and I felt verrry tired and heavy in a very uncomfortable way that made it very difficult to move. Apparently I had completely forgot that I had driven them to this place, confused. My mom seemed worried about me.
Then later on a woman (I don't know if it was mom) admitted that she had put something in my drink earlier and she showed a mushroom that looked like cubensis.
I think she said that I'm processing a lot.

 

 

 

I have reoccuring dreams about being chased or attacked by bears.

One of my biggest fears is to be attacked by a bear but I guess it can be a symbol of other fears too. I'm not really sure what the first dream really meant about the man and the boy.