Expression

[noomii]

I don't know what to name this journal because I feel so uninspired.

I doubt I even want to journal here and I might delete this, but I'm trying it anyways because I want clarity about how I want to express. 

I just want to be completely honest and not hold back anything, but I think I have to do that here which does not feel freeing. There might be other ways to express myself that would feel better.

 

I have been experiencing rumination now for several hours. Doubt about what practice I want to focus on and I have felt incredibly lonely. 

Not good enough, I'm doing things wrong.

[noomii]

I use the emotional scale daily now again for a shorter time. I meditate as usual too. 

I feel discouraged, bored and uninspired about these practices. I just don't know what's better to do. I think I need something different but I don't know what.

My breathing is very shallow and I feel so much fatigue.

[Phil]

Discouragement & boredom, 

Big difference. 

Discouraged and bored aren’t on the scale. 

Therein lies the inspiration sought & the relief from fatigue and shallow breathing. 

You certainly are not lacking in inspiration and do not feel uninspired. 

🤍

[noomii]

On 6/8/2023 at 3:09 PM, Phil said:

Discouragement & boredom, 

Big difference. 

Discouraged and bored aren’t on the scale. 

Therein lies the inspiration sought & the relief from fatigue and shallow breathing. 

You certainly are not lacking in inspiration and do not feel uninspired. 

🤍

 

Is it really that big of a difference to write "I experience this emotion" compared to how I said it? It feels better to write the way I did and sometimes it feels good to not care about how I write.

[noomii]

I feel so passive and stagnant. I barely get anything done. I feel like I barely make any progress.

I should have some plan in one month about where to work and where to live but it feels overwhelming.

It feels overwhelming to plan anything I want to do. I just want to go far away from where I live because it feels so bad to stay here. It just feels too difficult to make bigger things I want to experience to happen.

I was planning on going to a festival in one month too. Not sure if I'm going to sell the ticket, I would probably regret that. I don't even know what to eat for a whole week, just that feels like a lot to plan.

 

I just did the scale and I did it from discouragement up to boredom. I felt like shit and I feel so fucking frustrated and discouraged about the scale. Disappointed. I put in so much fucking effort and to meditate and it gives me barely anything. 

I have a hard time relaxing when doing the scale and I am still tense when I have ended both meditation & emotional scale.

 

[noomii]

I also feel so discouraged about my diet. I don't tolerate fruits or other things with a lot of natural sugars anymore, so I don't have any comfort food. 

I just eat low sugar berries sometimes. Pancakes with buckwheat/eggs/cacao have been my comfort food but I've been eating too much eggs so I feel nausea, I think I need to stop eating eggs. I also feel nausea from coconut milk and oil, I should take a break from that too.

I already don't eat any sugar, no diary, no gluten and lots of other things I don't eat, so I'm already used to that but I just want some meals that feel comforting and easy😔

 

I also think I need to plan my meals better and take a better look at what I can eat because I might be craving the wrong foods more when I don't have enough foods that I like at home. I'm just postponing it just like with everything else.

 

A good thing is that I've been starting to eat cauliflower, broccoli and avocado again. I really don't remember when I last ate cauliflower, many years ago.

Actually I appreciate experiencing food intolerances because that has made it very easy for me to eat healthy. The unhealthy foods have just felt so bad emotionally/physically that it's easy to just eat what feels better. If I wasn't experiencing this I would probably still be eating white sugar and other junkfood.

[Phil]

1 hour ago, noomii said:

Is it really that big of a difference to write "I experience this emotion" compared to how I said it?

On 6/8/2023 at 7:40 AM, noomii said:

I use the emotional scale daily now again for a shorter time. I meditate as usual too. 

I feel discouraged, bored and uninspired about these practices. I just don't know what's better to do. I think I need something different but I don't know what.

My breathing is very shallow and I feel so much fatigue.

The difference is that you don’t feel discouraged & bored.

You experience discouragement and boredom.

 

Discouraged and bored don’t describe you at all / are not true about you. 

Discouragement & boredom don’t describe you either, but describe what you’re feeling / experiencing. 

 

Discouraged & bored are second person point of view, believed to be true about you. This is ‘shallow’, ‘surface level’, in that it is conceptual, concepts, and fatiguing in that it’s carrying beliefs / concepts. Acknowledgement that you are experiencing the emotions directly is like letting go of a cork (inspiration) which was being held underwater (by conceptualizing / second person view). Uplifting is your nature. 

[noomii]

2 hours ago, Phil said:

The difference is that you don’t feel discouraged & bored.

You experience discouragement and boredom.

 

Discouraged and bored don’t describe you at all / are not true about you. 

Discouragement & boredom don’t describe you either, but describe what you’re feeling / experiencing. 

 

Discouraged & bored are second person point of view, believed to be true about you. This is ‘shallow’, ‘surface level’, in that it is conceptual, concepts, and fatiguing in that it’s carrying beliefs / concepts. Acknowledgement that you are experiencing the emotions directly is like letting go of a cork (inspiration) which was being held underwater (by conceptualizing / second person view). Uplifting is your nature. 

 

So saying/writing "I experience this emotion" makes it easier to let go of the thoughts?

When I use the scale I do say out loud "I experience...", it's just in other situations with writing or talking that it feels off to say it like that everytime I express I experience an emotion.

[Phil]

12 minutes ago, noomii said:

 

So saying/writing "I experience this emotion" makes it easier to let go of the thoughts?

The thoughts that are coming up are beliefs about how you feel that are not true. They keep coming up until they’re seen not to be true.

 

12 minutes ago, noomii said:

When I use the scale I do say out loud "I experience...", it's just in other situations with writing or talking that it feels off to say it like that everytime I express I experience an emotion.

The difference is it’s not about you, but rather experience. 

[noomii]

Today I did Byron Katie's The Work instead of emotional scale. Also mostly focused on letting go of thoughts about doubt.

I just feel so much discouragement about the scale and I don't feel better from using it. A few times I've felt better when I've used it. I'm probably doing something wrong. I don't feel like doing the whole scale everyday.

 

Not even sure if I'm doing questioning of thoughts right. I questioned "I should be productive". What appeared when asking if it's true was "No". Not sure if the thought "No" is coming from inner being or just ego if that makes sense.

Last year it felt difficult to question thoughts because of very heavy brainfog and headache, now it's easier. It's probably good to write down my own improvements because it's easy to forget when I'm mostly focused on what's wrong.

 

[noomii]

@Phil How is it seen that the thoughts arising when questioning thoughts or contemplating are true?
Is it usually necessary to go through the questions (from The Work) with the same belief many times?

[Phil]

22 hours ago, noomii said:

@Phil How is it seen that the thoughts arising when questioning thoughts or contemplating are true?

It isn’t because they aren’t. 

 

22 hours ago, noomii said:

Is it usually necessary to go through the questions (from The Work) with the same belief many times?

No. As it relates to inspecting the belief at hand, it’s only necessary to question if that belief is true now. 

 

On 6/15/2023 at 11:34 AM, noomii said:

Today I did Byron Katie's The Work instead of emotional scale. Also mostly focused on letting go of thoughts about doubt.

It’s not about thoughts about doubt.

It’d about acknowledging the emotion doubt is felt, already… and that what’s felt is the thought(s). Then ‘reach for’(allow) a better feeling thought. An easy way to do this is expressing the next emotion on the scale. It feels better. That’s the point, and that’s the receiving of the guidance.
 

On 6/15/2023 at 11:34 AM, noomii said:

I just feel so much discouragement about the scale and I don't feel better from using it.

It’s not about the scale and or you. It’s about how thoughts feel & alignment. 

 

On 6/15/2023 at 11:34 AM, noomii said:

A few times I've felt better when I've used it. I'm probably doing something wrong. I don't feel like doing the whole scale everyday.

Whenever you check when it is, without exception it’s the present. 🎁 

 

On 6/15/2023 at 11:34 AM, noomii said:

Not even sure if I'm doing questioning of thoughts right.

Question if the original thought (of the exercise) is true. (Rather than questioning if you’re doing it right). 

 

On 6/15/2023 at 11:34 AM, noomii said:

I questioned "I should be productive". What appeared when asking if it's true was "No". Not sure if the thought "No" is coming from inner being or just ego if that makes sense.

What isn’t true is that there are two of you; one which could say the other should or shouldn’t do anything. 

 

On 6/15/2023 at 11:34 AM, noomii said:

Last year it felt difficult to question thoughts because of very heavy brainfog and headache, now it's easier. It's probably good to write down my own improvements because it's easy to forget when I'm mostly focused on what's wrong.

 

One way to no longer need to remember is to acknowledge the emotion & therein guidance, of pessimism. Then ‘reach for the better feeling thought’, and feel boredom. 🙂

 

[noomii]

I experience a lot of worry and insecurity about how I'm perceived by others with what I write.

I usually find it easy to express verbally how I feel and be honest with people I'm with 'in person'. 

I don't know why I judge myself so much with what I write. I just want to express myself however I want. 

I also experience doubt about what I even want to write or express. I have thought that maybe I'm doing things I don't want to just because I want attention and approval.

 

I feel incredibly blocked in my expression and when I do express anything in writing that other people read I usually just want to remove it shortly after. I have thought that maybe I should delete this account or hide all posts.

 

It shouldn't matter what's shared if there's no seperate self but it really seem like there are consequences and other people.

 

[noomii]

I have found a few communities I could visit to see if I want to live there.
I really don't feel like moving to some place alone. If I don't find the people I want to live with now then I will just look for my own place. I experience some worry about how I will get along with people I meet.

A few weeks ago I was at a big gathering camping/living together in the forest for two weeks. No technology, just cooking/working/helping each other, sitting by the fire, singing, playing instruments, swimming everyday, sauna and workshops.
I went back home a few days inbetween those weeks and then I came back for the full moon late in the evening. On my way I met a man in the dark in the forest who had a big chunk of raw cacao that he was given from someone, he asked me if I wanted to drink it with him because he missed the ceremony earlier that day and he was leaving the next day. I said no because I was very tired and wanted to sleep. Then he gave me half of the cacao. 

Recently I think it's him I got in contact with again, through the community chat. He owns land and wants to build a community and he said I'm welcome to visit and live there if I want to. So I'm going there next week to hang out with him.
It's also just next to a Vipassana center and a beautiful nature reserve.
I'm so excited!!!! 🤍

[noomii]

I have experienced ear pain every night the past few years. Every other hour or so I wake up and feel it on the side I lie on and need to switch side, then I feel it on the other side after some time. 

 

Now that I don't live at my parents place I don't seem to feel anymore pain at night.

 

I read from Louise Hay about illness:

"Ear: Represents the capacity to hear. – Ache: Anger. Not wanting to hear. Too much turmoil. Household arguing."

 

I wore earplugs at my parents place when I didn't talk to them because I felt anxious when I heard any sounds especially if I hear my parents talk. I don't feel that with other people. 

A few years ago I was so sound sensitive that I got a headache hearing anyone talk or listening to very calm music.

 

I experience a lot of issues with my bladder. I usually feel the need to pee every 15-30 min. I don't even feel like the bladder gets emptied when I pee and it's incredibly frustrating, especially when I want to sleep. I can sit on the toilet around 30 min, just because it feels like the bladder never empties. This disturbes my sleep so much, I wake up to go and pee atleast once per night, usually twice and sometimes three times if I happen to drink water before going to bed.

 

I've had this for a few years now and I guess it's just anxiety. I checked my bladder and ears two years ago or something and they just said there's nothing wrong.

This have made me drink less water but it doesn't help, and I still need that water.

 

"Bladder Problems: Anxiety. Holding on to old ideas. Fear of letting go. Being “pissed off”." 

[noomii]

I feel so much discouragement about how I never get my sleep right. I try to wake up earlier and go to sleep early but there's always something disturbing my sleep.
This month I think I've had some kind of virus and not been able to sleep because of cough. I've taken oregano oil now for a few days and it has helped but I still cough a bit at night.

I also get obsessively focused on swallowing because it seems like I have too much saliva, but I only get disturbed and focused on it during night and when meditating, right when I don't want to be focused on it. This didn't appear with the cough, I've felt disturbed by it for some time and it seems to come from anxiety.
I've been waking up by noon many days. I have an alarm in the morning and I'm trying to get up earlier and get up even if I don't get much sleep, but I feel more anxious when I do that everyday. I think I'm sensitive to sleep disturbances due to imbalance in adrenal glands.

I really crave sleeping as long as I want, but I also want to fall asleep latest at 10pm and wake up early, that's when I feel the best.

I feel some worry about talking to my jobcoach tomorrow to follow up. I haven't been applying for jobs this month yet. I've only looked a bit on new places to live but haven't even decided where to go. So I don't know where to send applications. I just want to be honest with her but I feel so much guilt about letting her know I haven't moved forward or done anything productive since last time. It's kind of important to do what they say to get the money too.

I really want to talk to someone about how I feel that I can be honest with, I've been so isolated.

[noomii]

I didn't sleep much last night. Woke up late and the cough is worse again and I feel like I have a cold. 

I feel so frustrated about how tense I am during and after meditation. I do concentration for 15 min and then 35 min body scan. I feel most tense by the eyes, jaw, shoulders (the left one is most tense), belly and pelvic muscle. 🤷‍♀️ it only relaxes for a short time and then they are tense again. 

[Phil]

In all honesty, have you ever actually experienced sleep?

If not, maybe it’s something else. 

 

Jaw tension is ‘keeping the mouth closed’ when there is resentment held, and anger & revenge unexpressed. 

 

Anxiety is the other-than acknowledging emotions (like anger & resentment) & expressing (and releasing tension & conditioning therein). 

 

The stomach digests. Its main shtick is out with the old, in with the new - processing, and nourishing or extracting nourishment as it does. 

 

The jaw, emotions, anxiety and stomach are all related to interpretations. 

 

When the discord is acknowledged as of the interpretations, and the guidance is allowed, the interpretations change accordingly, and there is alignment of not only thought with feeling, but inherently with the body and ‘sleep’. 

 

 

“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel
in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.” 

- Mark Twain

[noomii]

On 12/1/2023 at 11:28 PM, Phil said:

In all honesty, have you ever actually experienced sleep?

If not, maybe it’s something else. 

No. What comes to mind is that falling asleep maybe is like a surrender to your true nature? 

[Phil]

3 minutes ago, noomii said:

No. What comes to mind is that falling asleep maybe is like a surrender to your true nature? 

As sleep has never actually been experienced… can there still actually be ‘falling asleep’?