catastrophizing

[Kevin]

Hey so I had a girl ghost me today. It really stung because after we exchanged numbers she initiated a conversation over text that made it seem like she was very interested. However today when I texted to confirm she never responded. I don’t like that this one stung but it really stung. 
 

I notice why it stings is because the thoughts that come up are all the worst case scenarios. Things like I’ll never find a good women, I’m unlovable, etc.

 

Actually it’s confusing because it feels like my heart hurts and the thoughts are coming up as a way of explaining but really it feels like my heart chakra hurts. Like all the way from my back to my chest it hurts.

 

I think what’s also painful is that my heart has been feeling this for a while. I keep hoping that if do well enough in life or I can meet the right girl then the hurt and the feeling of isolation and disconnection will go away.

 

Also I guess I’m just very disappointed and I’m feeling some despair. Like I’m never gonna find the right girl.

[Mandy]

I sold my car a month or so ago, and I was really almost desperate to be rid of it. I needed the space in the driveway and I needed the money. I had no interest at all and then I finally got someone interested and accepted their lower offer because they are neighbors that I know and they don't have much money and I was happy to take less and help them out. I felt so good about it. I was all ready for them to arrive, was looking out the windows, watching, and then I got a text that they decided to wait. 

Ended up selling it to a very nice person and got $500 more for it and also got to face my fear of meeting strange people in the internet. 

 

I definitely don't mean to compare the situations or compare women to cars 😂 but trust in Source that something better is on its way.

 

Something MUCH better unfathomably better is on its way. I notice this pattern in my life that what I wanted to do when I was a kid, and what I ended up doing was way more pleasing to me, but I couldn't have even imagined it back then. It's the same way again now, even though I can't really see how it's gonna pan out, I don't need to. I know what's up. It'll be like that.

 

If that feels off, take a look at the emotional scale. It's ok to feel that in your chest, and it's ok to cry about it and its ok to feel like crap and think discordant thoughts about it for a while. Just try to express them, rather than entertain them. Show them the door rather than asking if they want another round. 

 

 

[Kevin]

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

I sold my car a month or so ago, and I was really almost desperate to be rid of it. I needed the space in the driveway and I needed the money. I had no interest at all and then I finally got someone interested and accepted their lower offer because they are neighbors that I know and they don't have much money and I was happy to take less and help them out. I felt so good about it. I was all ready for them to arrive, was looking out the windows, watching, and then I got a text that they decided to wait. 

Ended up selling it to a very nice person and got $500 more for it and also got to face my fear of meeting strange people in the internet. 

 

I definitely don't mean to compare the situations or compare women to cars 😂 but trust in Source that something better is on its way.

 

Something MUCH better unfathomably better is on its way. I notice this pattern in my life that what I wanted to do when I was a kid, and what I ended up doing was way more pleasing to me, but I couldn't have even imagined it back then. It's the same way again now, even though I can't really see how it's gonna pan out, I don't need to. I know what's up. It'll be like that.

 

If that feels off, take a look at the emotional scale. It's ok to feel that in your chest, and it's ok to cry about it and its ok to feel like crap and think discordant thoughts about it for a while. Just try to express them, rather than entertain them. Show them the door rather than asking if they want another round. 

 

 

Yeah at one point the the thought occurred that god is clearing the way for something better. That felt good. Lots of other thoughts swirling around though. Lots of thoughts of insecurity. I should probably meditate I guess. 

[Joseph Maynor]

Call her.  That will show your confidence too.  Leave a voice message if she doesn't pick up.  Actually say you want a call back if you leave a voice memo.  I used to be in sales.  This whole texting thing is kinda weak.  Women like a man who knows what he wants and who operates directly on that basis.  Ask her out on a date.  It takes a certain kind of courage or balls to call someone on the phone and ask for them to perform a kind of action.  Just a piece of advice from me, take it with a grain of salt on that basis.  I hate this whole texting shit we do nowadays -- it's so impersonal and distant.  Women like to be swept off their feet by a confident man who takes her out on a journey together.

Edited March 25, 2023 by Joseph Maynor

[Kevin]

30 minutes ago, Joseph Maynor said:

Call her.  That will show your confidence too.  Leave a voice message if she doesn't pick up.  Actually say you want a call back if you leave a voice memo.  I used to be in sales.  This whole texting thing is kinda weak.  Women like a man who knows what he wants and who operates directly on that basis.  Ask her out on a date.  It takes a certain kind of courage or balls to call someone on the phone and ask for them to perform a kind of action.  Just a piece of advice from me, take it with a grain of salt on that basis.  I hate this whole texting shit we do nowadays -- it's so impersonal and distant.  Women like to be swept off their feet by a confident man who takes her out on a journey together.

Definitely appreciate the input man. I don’t think that’s the move here though. When I talked to her in person I was pretty direct. The energy was very flirty. She knows what the deal is. If she were interested she would have texted back.

[Joseph Maynor]

3 hours ago, Kevin said:

Definitely appreciate the input man. I don’t think that’s the move here though. When I talked to her in person I was pretty direct. The energy was very flirty. She knows what the deal is. If she were interested she would have texted back.

 

Cool.  I thought I would mention that to you in case it was an issue.  Glad you considered it.  

[Phil]

13 hours ago, Kevin said:

I think what’s also painful is that my heart has been feeling this for a while. I keep hoping that if do well enough in life or I can meet the right girl then the hurt and the feeling of isolation and disconnection will go away.

Isolation and disconnection are beliefs. The activity of thought. Not feeling. 

Feeling is feeling the activity of thought which feeling is appearing as. 

What’s felt is that isolation & disconnection are beliefs. 

 

What’s my vibration?

Isolation & disconnection. 

 

What’s my experience?

Ghosted. Isolation & disconnection (from her). 

 

‘The work’, liberation, is about dispelling beliefs. 

Not accommodating beliefs. 

[almond]

4 hours ago, Phil said:

‘The work’, liberation, is about dispelling beliefs. 

Not accommodating beliefs. 

 

 

I watched Kyle Cease (uoutube) recently, he says fear is an illusion in the body.

aia wonder if since it's the activity of thought where feeling appears as thereof.. to dispel the belief we liberate ourself of thought which will follow of the feeling too ?

..

Edited March 26, 2023 by almond
..

[Phil]

@almond

Like the snake & the rope. 

[Kevin]

7 hours ago, Phil said:

Isolation and disconnection are beliefs. The activity of thought. Not feeling. 

Feeling is feeling the activity of thought which feeling is appearing as. 

What’s felt is that isolation & disconnection are beliefs. 

 

What’s my vibration?

Isolation & disconnection. 

 

What’s my experience?

Ghosted. Isolation & disconnection (from her). 

 

It sounds like what’s being said here is that because my vibration was one of isolation and disconnection that that had something to do with why she flaked. I’m confused on that because I’ve had dates in the past where I was sure the girl was gonna flake and I was feeling really negative about it but they didn’t end up flaking. This girl I was positive wasn’t going to flake because of how she was texting me before and then she did flake. So it doesn’t seem like there is any order here.

 

7 hours ago, Phil said:

‘The work’, liberation, is about dispelling beliefs. 

Not accommodating beliefs. 

I am trying shit gets hard sometimes though.

[Phil]

15 minutes ago, Kevin said:

It sounds like what’s being said here is that because my vibration was one of isolation and disconnection that that had something to do with why she flaked. I’m confused on that because I’ve had dates in the past where I was sure the girl was gonna flake and I was feeling really negative about it but they didn’t end up flaking. This girl I was positive wasn’t going to flake because of how she was texting me before and then she did flake. So it doesn’t seem like there is any order here.

Each girl’s vibration resonates to different extents with your vibration. Also, this is vibration, so a comparison to a past seems like a reference to a past but is actually still this vibration. Generally though, no one wants isolation & disconnection, so it doesn’t have much attraction power. 

 

How you feel in general about togetherness & connection?

 

15 minutes ago, Kevin said:

I am trying shit gets hard sometimes though.

Dispelling beliefs makes it easier. That why there’s quotes on ‘the work’. It’s really letting a single thought go vs some kind of doing. 

[Kevin]

6 minutes ago, Phil said:

Each girl’s vibration resonates to different extents with your vibration. Also, this is vibration, so a comparison to a past seems like a reference to a past but is actually still this vibration. Generally though, no one wants isolation & disconnection, so it doesn’t have much attraction power. 

 

Yeah I don’t mean to get stuck up on these small details because I think what you wrote below about dispelling beliefs is more important. I was just shocked because I was feeling the togetherness and connection when I met her. It was honestly the most effortless conversation I’ve had with a girl in a while. The vibe was there. But idk at the end of the day I just don’t understand.

6 minutes ago, Phil said:

How you feel in general about togetherness & connection?

 

togetherness and connection are great. The last couple weeks I’d been feeling that more and more. Currently though lots of thoughts about that’s great but I’m on the outside looking in wanting to be involved but feeling excluded.

 

Idk I must have some kind of wound around this kind of thing because I’ve noticed I’m very prone to having negative thoughts come up about rejection and feeling alone.

6 minutes ago, Phil said:

Dispelling beliefs makes it easier. That why there’s quotes on ‘the work’. It’s really letting a single thought go vs some kind of doing. 

And yes I’ve gotten out of the habit of meditating and slowing down. I’ve been so focused on getting somewhere that I haven’t slowed down. I think slowing down is what I need. Lately I’ve felt like a donkey that’s chasing a carrot that’s forever out of reach.

[Phil]

@Kevin

I don’t mean to put you on the spot or anything, but what comes up as far as the old wound around rejection & feeling alone? 

If I say feeling alone & rejection are incompatible opposites… and it’s love anyway you slice it… does anything come up? 

Maybe a past event, a relationship, forgiveness for yourself or someone else withheld, something along those lines? 

Sometimes a thought about not being good enough is covert, like a cover up for a belief held that someone else isn’t or wasn’t good enough, wasn’t doing their best, wasn’t mindful, or maybe responsible. That could be underlying confusion. Like a pickle between your wholeness and some discord about someone else. 

[Kevin]

1 hour ago, Phil said:

@Kevin

I don’t mean to put you on the spot or anything, but what comes up as far as the old wound around rejection & feeling alone? 

If I say feeling alone & rejection are incompatible opposites… and it’s love anyway you slice it… does anything come up? 

Maybe a past event, a relationship, forgiveness for yourself or someone else withheld, something along those lines? 

Sometimes a thought about not being good enough is covert, like a cover up for a belief held that someone else isn’t or wasn’t good enough, wasn’t doing their best, wasn’t mindful, or maybe responsible. That could be underlying confusion. Like a pickle between your wholeness and some discord about someone else. 

I gotta think about this for a bit then I’ll get back to you. A lot for me to ponder here

[Kevin]

23 hours ago, Phil said:

@Kevin

I don’t mean to put you on the spot or anything, but what comes up as far as the old wound around rejection & feeling alone? 
 

definitely a similar feeling as when my first girlfriend broke up with me. The interpretation was that I did it all wrong and if I’d been cooler and a better guy she would have liked me more. But then I must have felt super unlovable to start with and that’s why it meant so much that she dated me. Because that meant I was lovable and then when she broke up with me then I wasn’t any more.

 

Also when I was super young I went over to a friends house that we were invited over to. He was at the neighbors house. I remember feeling left out and hurt. It was the house next door so I guess I could have just gone over. But I remember feeling hurt and left out. I remember times as a kid I was shy so unless someone specifically invited me over to play I felt left out and unwanted and excluded.

23 hours ago, Phil said:

If I say feeling alone & rejection are incompatible opposites… and it’s love anyway you slice it… does anything come up? 

 

no to be honest I don’t understand that part about feeling alone and rejection being incompatible opposites

 

 

23 hours ago, Phil said:

 

 

Maybe a past event, a relationship, forgiveness for yourself or someone else withheld, something along those lines? 
 

maybe complete forgiveness for my parents. I feel like there is some sort of link between forgiving my mom and my relationships with woman in a romantic sense improving. 
Also forgiveness for myself. I think that everything is my fault. The reason I don’t feel a sense of community and that I don’t have a girlfriend is my fault and at times I hate that so much it feels like I don’t want to be alive. Just to specify I wouldn’t kill myself though. It’s more just I want to escape.

 

23 hours ago, Phil said:

Sometimes a thought about not being good enough is covert, like a cover up for a belief held that someone else isn’t or wasn’t good enough, wasn’t doing their best, wasn’t mindful, or maybe responsible. That could be underlying confusion. Like a pickle between your wholeness and some discord about someone else. 

I’m not positive I follow this last part but maybe the real belief is that parents didn’t do good enough and then I believe that’s why I’m fucked up.

 

Also I’ve been taking Xanax lately (not prescribed). I found that if I took it at night I’d wake up the next morning and I’d feel normal. However, my anxiety would be gone so I found it was easy to go up to girls I found attractive and talk to them. I knew this wasn’t sustainable so I never took it 2 consecutive days in around until few days ago. 
 

I’m stopping though because I feel absolutely awful today. It’s like the normal negative thought patterns but magnified to be like 2 times worse.

 

Also I’m worried I won’t be able to talk to girls without that aid. Part of me doesn’t think that’s true though because once the Xanax built that momentum there were days where I was completely off Xanax entirely and I was still able to talk to girls.

[Mandy]

@Kevin Have you ever been can't eat, can't sleep in love before?

[Kevin]

39 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@Kevin Have you ever been can't eat, can't sleep in love before?

I think so. There was some doubt in that situation if it was felt both ways though.

[Mandy]

@Kevin Can it be felt both ways, can you love and doubt another's love at the same time?

[Kevin]

12 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@Kevin Can it be felt both ways, can you love and doubt another's love at the same time?

I guess not. Maybe I didn’t really love her then. Maybe I haven’t felt that love before.

[Mandy]

@KevinAre you holding back your love to make sure she's loving you first? Is love a standoff? Is it really coming from two different directions?