Journal

[Kevin]

Some good some bad. There is a house and techno bar that is doing open deck night tomorrow. That means that if you have some dj experience you can just go in and play a 30 minute or hour long set. It was super serendipitous because my mood improved this week and I was thinking about how I want to get some dj gigs. I thought it would take way longer but I saw the ad for this open deck night so it feels like a manifested that pretty quickly. Hopefully I can get some gig opportunities from this event.

 

On the other hand girls are still confusing. On the one hand, shooting my shot with a women I find attractive seems like a good idea. I think it resonates. But the way I got about it or the way I’m holding some aspect of it is not resonating. I think it’s the idea that I think I need a women in my life. And I’m afraid to let that thought go because I am afraid that if I don’t worry about it it’ll never happen for me. When I write it out it sounds silly but that’s where I’m at. Everything else in my life is falling into place nicely. There isn’t any topic that really stresses me out except the women topic.

[Kevin]

I feel incredibly sad today. I don’t even want to get out of bed. I just want to meet a woman that I really like. A woman that I want to be around and that I care about. I think that it’s hard for me which sucks. I think that it’s impossible and so I don’t even want to try. I don’t want to get out of bed or do anything. I’m also jealous of how easy it seems for others and I’m angry about it.

 

I’m friends with an ex girlfriend still and she told me about how she’s been seeing multiple guys. And I got jealous because I’m only seeing one girl and I don’t even like that one girl that much. I started thinking about how unfair it is that it’s so easy for girls to get dates. Also I understand that’s a little silly. I know that there are girls who think guys have it easier and there are guys that think girls have it easier. Who knows though.

 

Then all that jealousy and anger from the above paragraph creates all this internal conflict and I think that I should get out of bed and fix all these problems. But then I don’t know how and I feel stuck and overwhelmed and I think I’m a failure and I’m worthless because I can’t just go figure it out. And I think I’m worthless because I don’t feel passionate about anything. And if I were worth something I’d go outside and do something.

Also the fucked up thing is that I still like my ex that I mentioned earlier. And I hate that I still like her because she doesn’t feel the same way and I know it’s not even a good fit. Like there’s so many reasons why it would be a bad fit if we dated and I’m sure there’s so many other woman out there that would be a better fit for me. I still like her though. I think partly why I like her is because throughout a lot of my college experience I felt insecure and like I was just not doing well socially. But then in my last 2 years of college I felt like I had some good friends and I was feeling better. Then the last year of college I met this girl and we started dating. And for the first time I felt like a had a good little tribe going. I had friends and a girlfriend and we would go to concerts and stuff. And while there were definitely lots of toxic moments between me and her I look back on it as a really happy time. And I just miss that companionship and friendship.

 

Also I’ve really struggled at times since then because I’ve been thinking I’m a bad person or I’m just fundamentally not ok and so no one will love me.

[Mandy]

@Kevin  Listen really closely about the 7 minute mark. 😳

https://youtu.be/R0WQ6W5TuWY

[Kevin]

19 hours ago, Mandy said:

@Kevin  Listen really closely about the 7 minute mark. 😳

https://youtu.be/R0WQ6W5TuWY

Thanks that was great

[Phil]

23 hours ago, Kevin said:

I feel incredibly sad today. I don’t even want to get out of bed. I just want to meet a woman that I really like. A woman that I want to be around and that I care about. I think that it’s hard for me which sucks. I think that it’s impossible and so I don’t even want to try. I don’t want to get out of bed or do anything. I’m also jealous of how easy it seems for others and I’m angry about it.

 

I’m friends with an ex girlfriend still and she told me about how she’s been seeing multiple guys. And I got jealous because I’m only seeing one girl and I don’t even like that one girl that much. I started thinking about how unfair it is that it’s so easy for girls to get dates. Also I understand that’s a little silly. I know that there are girls who think guys have it easier and there are guys that think girls have it easier. Who knows though.

 

Then all that jealousy and anger from the above paragraph creates all this

If it’s clarifying… right here is the ‘switch’. The above is expression about experience. 

23 hours ago, Kevin said:

internal conflict and I think that I should

Below here is the ol’ separate self’ of thought. That might be the elusive ‘internal conflict’. 

23 hours ago, Kevin said:

get out of bed and fix all these problems. But then I don’t know how and I feel stuck and overwhelmed and I think I’m a failure and I’m worthless because I can’t just go figure it out. And I think I’m worthless because I don’t feel passionate about anything. And if I were worth something I’d go outside and do something.

Also the fucked up thing is that I still like my ex that I mentioned earlier. And I hate that I still like her because she doesn’t feel the same way and I know it’s not even a good fit. Like there’s so many reasons why it would be a bad fit if we dated and I’m sure there’s so many other woman out there that would be a better fit for me. I still like her though. I think partly why I like her is because throughout a lot of my college experience I felt insecure and like I was just not doing well socially. But then in my last 2 years of college I felt like I had some good friends and I was feeling better. Then the last year of college I met this girl and we started dating. And for the first time I felt like a had a good little tribe going. I had friends and a girlfriend and we would go to concerts and stuff. And while there were definitely lots of toxic moments between me and her I look back on it as a really happy time. And I just miss that companionship and friendship.

 

Also I’ve really struggled at times since then because I’ve been thinking I’m a bad person or I’m just fundamentally not ok and so no one will love me.

 

The ‘answer’ would seem elusive in that it’s letting (thoughts) go, and not per se another thought (an answer). 

🙏♥️

[Kevin]

37 minutes ago, Phil said:

If it’s clarifying… right here is the ‘switch’. The above is expression about experience. 

Below here is the ol’ separate self’ of thought. That might be the elusive ‘internal conflict’. 

 

The ‘answer’ would seem elusive in that it’s letting (thoughts) go, and not per se another thought (an answer). 

🙏♥️

Yeah it’s weird because it really seems like I need to do something or fix something but the answer always is letting go I guess.

 

I’m kind of throwing a tantrum and resisting in a way that is very reminiscent of being a child. The energy is very much like “I can’t get what I want so I’m not gonna do anything”. It feels very familiar like this thing I do where I blame and then I insist that things should be different and until they are I’m gonna be pissed. It’s very childlike and obstinate. I’m just now noticing this pattern.

[Phil]

@Kevin

If it’s any consolation, everyone does it, maybe 1% inspect it like you are & transcend it (the suffering). 

 

Two cents… 

15 minutes ago, Kevin said:

I’m kind of throwing a tantrum and resisting in a way that is very reminiscent of being a child. The energy is very much like “I can’t get what I want so I’m not gonna do anything”. It feels very familiar like this thing I do where I blame and then I insist that things should be different and until they are I’m gonna be pissed. It’s very childlike and obstinate. I’m just now noticing this pattern.

I wouldn’t even frame it up as “I’m”.  (That’s more of the same. No one is ‘doing anything wrong’ at all. 

 

Best I’ve found or come up with it to simplify. Awareness is aware of: thought, perception and sensation.

What’s transpiring is transpiring in thought.

So switch attention to perception & sensation.

 

Which ‘looks like’ being where you are. Being present. Looking at the stuff around you. Labelling it. That’s a chair, etc.

Sensation wise - relaxation of the body. Sink into the gravity. 

Helps with being present… which is reality, as your presence, and there’s truly only is right now. 

 

This is kinda the rough patch of the path. It’s very, very, veer worthwhile. 

[Kevin]

3 hours ago, Phil said:

@Kevin

If it’s any consolation, everyone does it, maybe 1% inspect it like you are & transcend it (the suffering). 

 

Two cents… 

I wouldn’t even frame it up as “I’m”.  (That’s more of the same. No one is ‘doing anything wrong’ at all. 

 

Best I’ve found or come up with it to simplify. Awareness is aware of: thought, perception and sensation.

What’s transpiring is transpiring in thought.

So switch attention to perception & sensation.

 

Which ‘looks like’ being where you are. Being present. Looking at the stuff around you. Labelling it. That’s a chair, etc.

Sensation wise - relaxation of the body. Sink into the gravity. 

Helps with being present… which is reality, as your presence, and there’s truly only is right now. 

 

This is kinda the rough patch of the path. It’s very, very, veer worthwhile. 

Definitely. The part about more of the same makes sense. I am hoping I will feel better. I am sure I will. It is rough though

[Phil]

What about being at peace with whatever & however you’re feeling right now? 

Maybe the hope is actually… resistance…?

[Kevin]

38 minutes ago, Phil said:

What about being at peace with whatever & however you’re feeling right now? 

Maybe the hope is actually… resistance…?

That’s a good point. The hope is resistance. And then the thought but how do I be at peace with this when I don’t want to be is more of the resistance. I guess doing nothing is the answer.

[Phil]

@Kevin

Don’t try to be at peace - with this. Let go of ‘this’, whatever that is, and there’s just this peace. Being at peace is what’s wanted, not being at peace with this. 

If it’s this, it’ll always be something else, and then something else, and then something else. 

 

The withholding of appreciation, gratitude & love can cause the mind to ruminate on feeling better, in a future. For the solver there has to be a problem. For the discord there has to be hope. 

 

[Kevin]

40 minutes ago, Phil said:

@Kevin

Don’t try to be at peace - with this. Let go of ‘this’, whatever that is, and there’s just this peace. Being at peace is what’s wanted, not being at peace with this. 

If it’s this, it’ll always be something else, and then something else, and then something else. 

 

The withholding of appreciation, gratitude & love can cause the mind to ruminate on feeling better, in a future. For the solver there has to be a problem. For the discord there has to be hope. 

 

That really makes sense. And the answer isn’t to make myself show appreciation and gratitude and love if I don’t feel like it right?

my first instinct is that I should stop withholding it but I don’t know how.

[Phil]

10 hours ago, Kevin said:

That really makes sense. And the answer isn’t to make myself show appreciation and gratitude and love if I don’t feel like it right?

You = yourself. So you can’t make yourself do anything really. 🙂

 

10 hours ago, Kevin said:

my first instinct is that I should stop withholding it but I don’t know how.

Knowing doesn’t really have anything to do with expressing. 

 

It simpler than simple, it’s what we already are. 

 

“I love this coffee mug.”

”I love the sun”.  

 

That simple. 

 

No separate self, no knowing. 

 

[Kevin]

9 hours ago, Phil said:

You = yourself. So you can’t make yourself do anything really. 🙂

 

Knowing doesn’t really have anything to do with expressing. 

 

It simpler than simple, it’s what we already are. 

 

“I love this coffee mug.”

”I love the sun”.  

 

That simple. 

 

No separate self, no knowing. 

 

Thanks Phil. 

[Kevin]

I am experiencing lots of jealousy and guilt. I think part of it is I did Xanax 4 days in a row and now I’m experiencing rebound anxiety. However what I am thinking about and feeling I believe is still relevant. It’s just amplified.

 

I’m sick of feeling bad and I’m sick of things being hard for me. I always thought that If I just started talking to more girls then I would get a girlfriend. It hasn’t been that easy though. I get nervous and there must be something about the way I’m coming across that is turning girls off. I think part of it is I’m nervous and maybe I’m expecting rejection. And I feel resentful and jealous because so many people are experiencing that love and connection.

 

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me. I’ve always been kind of closed off. I’ve had friends throughout my life but only a few at a time. I’ve never been a social butterfly. And I’ve had girlfriends but there is usually long periods of time between them when we break up.

 

And then I feel guilty because I think it’s all my fault. And it is. Who else’s fault could it be? I think I’m doing something wrong. I’m not happy, I’m not enlightened, and life feels like a massive effort. And I come on here to this forum posting the same shit. I think I’ve been posting the same shit since I joined this forum. I feel guilty that I’m not over it.

[Phil]

The reoccurring factor is always actually the same. 

 

On 5/8/2023 at 5:15 PM, Kevin said:

I am experiencing lots of jealousy and guilt.

This is acknowledgement of the emotions experienced. (Alignment). 

 

On 5/8/2023 at 5:15 PM, Kevin said:

I think part of it is I did Xanax 4 days in a row and now I’m experiencing rebound anxiety. However what I am thinking about and feeling I believe is still relevant. It’s just amplified.

 

I’m sick of feeling bad and I’m sick of things being hard for me. I always thought that If I just started talking to more girls then I would get a girlfriend. It hasn’t been that easy though. I get nervous and there must be something about the way I’m coming across that is turning girls off. I think part of it is I’m nervous and maybe I’m expecting rejection. And I feel resentful and jealous because so many people are experiencing that love and connection.

 

I don’t know why it’s so hard for me. I’ve always been kind of closed off. I’ve had friends throughout my life but only a few at a time. I’ve never been a social butterfly. And I’ve had girlfriends but there is usually long periods of time between them when we break up.

 

And then I feel guilty because I think it’s all my fault. And it is. Who else’s fault could it be? I think I’m doing something wrong. I’m not happy, I’m not enlightened, and life feels like a massive effort. And I come on here to this forum posting the same shit. I think I’ve been posting the same shit since I joined this forum. I feel guilty that I’m not over it.

This is a thought story about a second self which is never experienced. (Discordant). 

 

It doesn’t feel good to you. Why would you believe it would feel good to someone else, that someone else would be attracted to it? (Talking about the discordant story here, not you. You’re awesome). 

 

Offer X vibration, receive Y experience.

Offer Y vibration, receive Y experience. 

[Kevin]

5 hours ago, Phil said:

The reoccurring factor is always actually the same. 

 

This is acknowledgement of the emotions experienced. (Alignment). 

 

This is a thought story about a second self which is never experienced. (Discordant). 

 

It doesn’t feel good to you. Why would you believe it would feel good to someone else, that someone else would be attracted to it? (Talking about the discordant story here, not you. You’re awesome). 

 

Offer X vibration, receive Y experience.

Offer Y vibration, receive Y experience. 

Gotcha yeah I’m feeling better today. More normal. I think part of the angst recently was the Xanax comedown. I feel more hopeful today

[Kevin]

So I went out with a bunch of friends last night. I’m glad I did. I felt friendly and I talked to some strangers and some cute girls. My ex that I mentioned before was part of the group. At the end of the night we all came back to my exgf’s apartment. When we were there a mutual friend was trying to invite another friend over to hook up with my ex. I didn’t like that at all. She ended up telling him to not come over cuz she wanted to hang out with myself and someone else cuz we were gonna spend the night.

when I woke up she was gone. Apparently me and the other person fell asleep and she was still up. So she told me she stayed at a friends house. Realistically a dudes house so I didn’t like that.

 

A lot of insecurity and jealous came up. And it clarified a lot. I used to just want to be with my ex and that’s why I would be mad about that. Now it’s more of an insecurity because she’s got a guy she can hook up with and I don’t. Is there something wrong with me? Why is it so easy for girls to get some dick. But for me it seems very hard to meet a girl who wants to sleep with me. Like this guy they were gonna invite over, my ex had never met him before. And then I get jealous because why aren’t people ever trying to set me up with their friends.

 

And I know it’s all about the stuff I mentioned above because if I had brought a girl home last night I wouldn’t care about my ex. She could be getting fucked by 3 guys and I wouldn’t care. It just really bothers me when I’m going home alone and she’s effortlessly getting guys who want to sleep with her.

[Kevin]

I’m feeling super overwhelmed. I don’t know how to accept and be with things and so I take Xanax. This makes sober moments even harder to deal with which makes me want to take more Xanax. I keep thinking hanging out with my ex and painful interpretations keep arising. I’m not sure how to be by myself. I feel like I need company and comfort so much sometimes that I’ll even accept bad company. I experience much shame and it makes me want to shut down.

 

On the flip side of that, I think the solution to the shame is to open up and talk to people. But when I’m feeling the shame I feel shut down and I want to just hide. But also my heart yearns for connection and companionship. And I’m not sure how to get this from others especially girls.

 

I feel this intense inner split or inner conflict from this. I want to reach out but I’m so afraid to reach out sometimes. Even when girls are giving me clear signals that they are attracted to me, at times I will freeze and then I feel shame for that. I see no way out. What I’m doing isn’t working out but I don’t know how to do anything else. I feel like I need to cry a little bit but I can’t.

[Phil]

If you’re tired of creating suffering and are looking for clarity on how it’s created, and that there is guidance for this, and how alignment resolves the suffering… 

 

On 7/29/2023 at 4:03 PM, Kevin said:

I’m feeling super overwhelmed.

Overwhelment is felt, but isn’t acknowledged. 

 

I’m feeling overwhelmed is about a second self. It’s like Jim’s feeling overwhelmed, or Jane’s feeling overwhelmed. The thought’s about someone else. 

Overwhelment is acknowledgment of an emotion which is directly felt. It’s how the thoughts feel. 

 

When there is acknowledgment of the emotions felt, there is clarity not only for the prior thoughts which led to overwhelment, but also about the forthcoming thoughts and why they feel ‘off’ too…

 

On 7/29/2023 at 4:03 PM, Kevin said:

I don’t know how to accept and be with things and so I take Xanax.

Frustration, irritation and impatience are felt, but aren’t acknowledged. 

Instead it’s believed there is another self, a knower, which knows there are things and that it is a thing, but a thing which doesn’t know some thing - how to accept and be with - things… and therefore must take Xanax. That is indeed confusing. The exhausting mental gymnastics of denial of emotions & aversion from emotions. 🫤

 

On 7/29/2023 at 4:03 PM, Kevin said:

This makes sober moments even harder to deal with which makes me want to take more Xanax.

Pessimism is felt, but isn’t acknowledged. 

The separate self of thoughts is always believed to be in a past or future because it’s never present, because it’s thoughts not a second self. 

For the ‘separate self’ there are moments. 

Emotions can always be acknowledged, the clarity / guidance is always available, so there truly is no problem.

 

On 7/29/2023 at 4:03 PM, Kevin said:

I keep thinking hanging out with my ex and painful interpretations keep arising.

“Painful” is employed as not to acknowledge the emotions / guidance already felt. 

If the pessimism was acknowledged, it’d be revealed pessimism is how the thoughts feel. 

Pain is localized in the body. Suffering is not. 

The suffering is the discordant interpretations. 

 

On 7/29/2023 at 4:03 PM, Kevin said:

I’m not sure how to be by myself.

That’s trying to bend the spoon. There aren’t two of you. 

What you are sure of, unequivocally, without any knowledge needed, is these emotions are felt…  and the guidance which dispels the suffering is ever-present, always available, what’s already felt. 

 

On 7/29/2023 at 4:03 PM, Kevin said:

I feel like I need company and comfort so much sometimes that I’ll even accept bad company. I experience much shame and it makes me want to shut down.

I feel like I. 

Not, two. 

 

Would you want to be with someone suppressing overwhelment, frustration, irritation, impatience and pessimism and blaming it on a second self?

In a relationship that translates to manipulation. That ‘second self’ would be you bruh!

Blaming how they feel on you, while overlooking what’s felt is emotions, how what they’re thinkin (so to speak) feels. 

But they would blame you for how they feel while claiming they’re “needy”. 

Neediness is emotional suppression.

People want to be wanted, not blamed for how you feel & needed to make you feel better. 

 

On 7/29/2023 at 4:03 PM, Kevin said:

 

On the flip side of that, I think the solution to the shame is to open up and talk to people. But when I’m feeling the shame I feel shut down and I want to just hide. But also my heart yearns for connection and companionship. And I’m not sure how to get this from others especially girls.

You’re expecting to get what you aren’t allowing yourself… and therein aren’t presently able to offer. 

 

On 7/29/2023 at 4:03 PM, Kevin said:

I feel this intense inner split or inner conflict from this.

Pinching yourself off so to speak, from ever-present guidance & emotion does feel like a splitting & conflict. It isn’t, but it feels like that. What it actually feels like is emotional guidance and reluctance to acknowledge it. 

 

On 7/29/2023 at 4:03 PM, Kevin said:

I want to reach out but I’m so afraid to reach out sometimes. Even when girls are giving me clear signals that they are attracted to me, at times I will freeze and then I feel shame for that. I see no way out. What I’m doing isn’t working out but I don’t know how to do anything else. I feel like I need to cry a little bit but I can’t.

The freeze is “I”m so afraid”, “I feel shame”…  these concepts are very discordant. 

 

Stop trying to get out; notice you’re already not in. 🤍