Journal

[Kevin]

So I’ve been having a lot of insomnia lately. I won’t usually fall asleep until like 3 in the morning and that is with smoking weed or taking melatonin which I don’t like to do because they make me super tired in the mornings. I think part of this is in some ways I’m feeling very aligned and in other ways I feel kind of stuck so I have a lot of restless energy at night.

 

In terms of alignment I’ve been feeling super passionate and inspired in training jiu jitsu. I train twice a day as well as lifting 3 or 4 times a week. And in my free time I watch instructional videos and absorb more info on jiujitsu and I’m recruiting some friends to watch the instructional s and train the moves with me. At the end of the day I’m usually incredibly fired up.

 

I want a girlfriend but I don’t fully believe it can be. In jiu jitsu I have dreams of being one of the best in the world and I legitimately think that is doable and so that’s like that inspire me. Thoughts about winning tournaments and having the ref raise my hand and having family and friends watch me compete. Those thoughts get me so fired up. When I think about talking to girls it’s often either a neutral or negative emotion that comes up in response to what I’m thinking.

 

thoughts about how I’m not good enough or how I need to be a certain type of guy or thoughts about how girls will just cheat on me or disappoint me. That’s what I think about in relation to girls. I see how the alignment of thought with feeling is making me super happy and successful with jiu jitsu. Literally I’m progressing at a speed that I didn’t even think was possible before. However I feel frustration because I want a girl friend but at the same time I have thoughts about how I don’t trust women and how women will just hurt me.

I feel like I’m shooting myself in the foot there but I don’t know how to stop. Or to be more honest I must not want to stop.

[Phil]

How to stop:

Don’t stop, manifest what you want. 

Apply same method to girlfriend category that worked for Jin Jitsu category. 

[Kevin]

On 7/18/2022 at 3:05 PM, Phil said:

How to stop:

Don’t stop, manifest what you want. 

Apply same method to girlfriend category that worked for Jin Jitsu category. 

I’ve been trying that. There’s a lot more resistance with girls though but I’m sure progress is coming. 🙏 

[Kevin]

It’s been revealed to me that I think it’s wrong to express my love for women to them and to make moves to progress relationships. I noticed this because I hung out with a girl over the weekend who I’ve known for a while and I tried to be authentic and push the relationship forward. Basically I was trying to align my actions with my feelings and desires. And it worked I kept pushing past the little fears that would arise so I’m proud of that. However there seemed to be one last point I couldn’t push past. And part of that was believing that there is a point that I need to push past. That there are rules for how I should behave and who I can express love to and how I express love to them. That idea doesn’t resonate but I’ve stuck with it for so long because I’m afraid of feeling bad. And I’m afraid of losing love.

 

Over the weekend I hung out with a bunch of friends as well and something crazy happened. I started having a stream of negative thoughts around socializing keep coming up for many hours while I was with everyone. They came and went and I felt that they were mostly coming from muscular tension and tension holding patterns in my head. I felt that if this point of tension in my head went away completely then I would no longer have this lifetime issue of social anxiety. I know this because that day where this happened it loosened quite a bit as I processed the stream of anxiety. And I could feel that they were completely connected.

Anyway, I’m seeing more and more how I’m creating my reality. I also see more and more how if I just lead with love and follow my bliss I will literally be living in heaven and everything I could possibly want and dream of would just show up effortlessly. However it’s tough because these fears based on the past arise. Fears about how when certain things like rejection and loneliness happened in the past then I felt terrible and I’m afraid of feeling like that again. I’m afraid of facing all that again. I’m afraid of being fully authentic with how I feel with this girl I like because I’m afraid that if I do that then I’ll lose her then I’ll be lonely because I’m afraid about how it’s hard for me to meet people.

 

I just don’t want to be afraid anymore, I want to be authentic and me. And I want to love. I want to be able to buy a girl flowers without worrying that she’s using me or thinking about how she’s gonna be laughing about how I’m a simp behind my back with some random guy who fucks her better than me. That’s just one example of the toxic things that run through my head. Idk where I even learned that in particular because that’s never happened to me before. I feel like I have to stay a step ahead of people in relationships. This is not communion. This is not love. I’m sick of things being this way. I feel like I’m so close to being past it.

 

My old coping mechanisms barely work nowadays in the sense that I’m not content and satisfied doing them. I used to be sad and lonely and I’d go eat junk food or ice cream. Or I’d stay in my room all day and get high and jack off. None of these things do it anymore for me. I just got junk food this morning because I was feeling sad. In the past that would satisfy me and make me feel better. Today it didn’t work and I didn’t even finish it. I still feel sad so I’m gonna shut my self in my room but I know already it’s not what I truly want. I want to be vibrant and alive and I want to be truly brave enough to face all of the fear and darkness.

[Kevin]

I’m really struggling with things like jealousy and possessiveness. I’m really struggling with jealousy in the sense that I’m lonely and I see others who aren’t lonely. I’m tired of being lonely. But I’m also feeling hurt by being alone for so much of my life. I think that I need to let it go in order to find relationships. That is hard for me to do because I feel hurt and I feel resentful for feeling hurt. I guess I just think that I’ve been left out of the fun the world is having. I think that I’m invisible. I feel unnoticed and in appreciated. I feel like I could disappear and no one except my close family would notice or care. I hate living like this. Right now there is a girl that I am talking to and I have a lot of conflicting feelings coming up. I feel desperate because to be honest it’s been a long time since I’ve had sex or even just cuddled with a girl. I feel like I need it to work out and so I have a lot of anxiety around it not working out. I feel like everyone around me has girlfriends and relationships and I’m just by myself. Lone wolfing it through life. I hate it. I don’t know how to be different though. Often I’ll get some positive momentum but then I go through these little periods of deep sadness and it feels like nothings actually changed. I’m still alone. I still feel invisible.

[Kevin]

I’ve noticed whenever I take psychedelics now I get very anxious and sad for at least a couple days after and sometimes longer than that. Even a micro dose will cause the sadness and anxiety for days. It actually worries me because during the trips And until I fall asleep that night I’ll feel a lot of clarity but then I wake up the next day if I will be feeling sad and I’ll be worrying about a lot of stuff.

 

I experience loneliness a lot. I feel like I’m outside looking in on others having fun. I feel left out and ignored. I also know that I’m doing this to myself. The bad feeling and the feeling sad and the loneliness are all experiences I am creating. I had a small insight today where I noticed during my day I sort of proactively reject girls that are in my vicinity. I just subconsciously assume they won’t like me so I ignore them. Because of my attitude I’m sure a girl could see me and be infatuated with me and it wouldn’t even register because of my assumption that people won’t like me. 
 

I don’t know why I insist so much on that being true. I want to be happy but I am constantly shooting myself in the foot. I think that I’m making myself sad. I feel like I always post on this forum about the same shoot. I’m lonely but I’m afraid to talk to anyone so it’s pretty much my fault. It’s my fault nothing fundamental actually changes. Likely I’ve been really into jiu jitsu and that’s cool but I still feel lonely. Or rather everything changes every second of every day but I keep bringing this resentment towards women and fear of rejection and fear of being vulnerable and I hold onto it and bring it into every new day and I can’t seem to just let it go. Very frustrating stuff and I’m feeling very burnt out today.

[Kevin]

Also I notice I get very attached and serious about girls who like me. I think I get like that because girls so rarely like me. And I feel guilty about that like I’m weird and I’m a pussy and I’m unattractive otherwise girls would like me. But then I notice that I subconsciously avoid interacting with girls so I could actually be very attractive to many girls that I could potentially meet but Through law of attraction and energy I’m repelling them away from me. That is almost worse than just being a weird ugly guy because then it means I’m incapable of attracting women even though I look fine.

 

everyday the same stuff rolls through my head. I’ll be at jiu jitsu practice or at the gym or at the store and I’ll see a cute girl and I know if I want a girlfriend I should go talk to them but actually part of me doesn’t want to out of fear and that part always wins. I don’t want it to be a battle. Im sick of feeling afraid of talking to people. Im sick of feeling like this anxious body I want to be someone else but I don’t want to be me anymore.

[Phil]

That “me” which you’re saying you don’t want to be anymore isn’t actually you. It’s thoughts about a separate self, which doesn’t exist. It’s not that you don’t want to be you, it’s that you’re tried of how these thoughts feel- to you. These conditional thoughts feel discordant to you because you are unconditional love. 

 

There isn’t ‘that self’ which is afraid. There is the emotional of fear felt, when those thoughts are believed. 

 

There is not love - the source of all things & all attraction - and - a second source - of hate, evil, or bad to the like. There is no “source of repelling”. 

 

[Kevin]

6 hours ago, Phil said:

That “me” which you’re saying you don’t want to be anymore isn’t actually you. It’s thoughts about a separate self, which doesn’t exist. It’s not that you don’t want to be you, it’s that you’re tried of how these thoughts feel- to you. These conditional thoughts feel discordant to you because you are unconditional love. 

 

yes but why are the negative thoughts so sticky? Like why can’t I focus on thoughts about a separate self who loves himself and others and is motivated and inspired. I don’t know why but I feel almost drawn to the discord for some reason. I think it’s that sense of there being something wrong with me. Actually right now I think the reason I feel depressed is because I actually don’t think I can have the things I want. Meanwhile life responsibilities like getting a new drivers license are coming up fast and I don’t want to get out of bed and do that.

 

6 hours ago, Phil said:

There isn’t ‘that self’ which is afraid. There is the emotional of fear felt, when those thoughts are believed. 

 

There is not love - the source of all things & all attraction - and - a second source - of hate, evil, or bad to the like. There is no “source of repelling”. 

 

I don’t know man it really seems like I’ve repelled people in the past. And I think I must be repelling relationships because most days I don’t even talk to girls.

[Phil]

3 minutes ago, Kevin said:

yes but why are the negative thoughts so sticky? Like why can’t I focus on thoughts about a separate self who loves himself and others and is motivated and inspired.

Because they’re ‘held’ / believed to be negative - and ‘the thoughts’ are you, appearing as ‘thoughts’. The Truth is there’s no such thing as negative. There is an experience of judging, and of not noticing the judgement factor… and believing the thoughts instead. So judging thoughts as negative, feels like judging yourself / being judged… because known or not, it’s (thoughts & all experience) yourself. You’re infinite. Cognitively realized or not, the judgement doesn’t resonate with that fact that you are unconditional - it’s felt. If you were experiencing thoughts about you being a gnome it wouldn’t be held to be ‘negative’, it’d be funny, cause you know ain’t a gnome. You ain’t a separate self either. You could be motivated and inspired even if you focused on thoughts of being a gnome, cause those thoughts aren’t believed. In both cases, separate self & gnome, the thoughts aren’t true… but only in the separate self thoughts is there suffering, because the thoughts are believed to some extent to be true. The Good News is ‘they’re’ thoughts. How the thoughts feel, is how you can feel that you are infinite awesome love.   

 

There isn’t anything ‘wrong’ with you or the thoughts. ‘Wrong’ & ‘negative’ are aversion… Awareness of thoughts is the remedy. (Not that anything is wrong and needs to be fixed - the remedy as in - changing the momentum / alignment). In the willingness to be aware of the thoughts, the thoughts can no longer ‘hold their power’ or be experienced as wrong or negative.   

 

Humor, laughter, feels good, and feels like relief, because the punchline changes the perspective. 

 

Why doesn’t Stevie Wonder pick the movie when he goes to the cinema?

Cause he’s married. 

 

See?

Feel free to make some separate self jokes. It’s healing. Just don’t make them at anyone else’s expense.

(See 🙂 , it can be funny, it can be lighthearted, laughed about). 

3 minutes ago, Kevin said:

I don’t know why but I feel almost drawn to the discord for some reason. I think it’s that sense of there being something wrong with me. Actually right now I think the reason I feel depressed is because I actually don’t think I can have the things I want. Meanwhile life responsibilities like getting a new drivers license are coming up fast and I don’t want to get out of bed and do that.

I think / suspect the being drawn to the discord is a subtle wanting the discord to be someone else’s fault, wanting someone to take responsibility for their actions. I can relate. There’s a lot os sob’s out there. But breaking the cycle is liberation. There are no separate selves. Allow that to be seen on behalf of what seemed like “others” who essentially did not live up to their responsibilities. ‘They’, ‘we’ all suffered or suffer, of the can-not-be-any-other-way fact that there is only the infinite self. Infinite can not know finite. For there to be experience, infinite must overlook itself. This means overlooking it’s essential nature, to which the words happiness, peace, intelligence, and unconditional love point. Draw upon the feeling those words invoke. Allow that alignment to get you up out of that bed, and share the TRUTH wether in your words, actions, or silence, will your world, your creation, which you are being. There is no other way. Earth surpassed it’s sleeping sob’s quota hundreds of years ago. We’re way above critical mass. We need you on the team… that doesn’t really exist. But, we do need ya. 

 

Responsibilities.

🤍Response-ability. 🤍

 

Show these people what they believe they are afraid of so they aren’t anymore. Just show them love. 

Appreciate. You are fortunate to be able to get a license, to drive a vehicle, to go where you want, when you want. To roll all the windows done and turn something bone crushing & ass kicking all the way up. 

What is the point of life if you aren’t living it!?

[Kevin]

6 hours ago, Phil said:

Because they’re ‘held’ / believed to be negative - and ‘the thoughts’ are you, appearing as ‘thoughts’. The Truth is there’s no such thing as negative. There is an experience of judging, and of not noticing the judgement factor… and believing the thoughts instead. So judging thoughts as negative, feels like judging yourself / being judged… because known or not, it’s (thoughts & all experience) yourself. You’re infinite. Cognitively realized or not, the judgement doesn’t resonate with that fact that you are unconditional - it’s felt. If you were experiencing thoughts about you being a gnome it wouldn’t be held to be ‘negative’, it’d be funny, cause you know ain’t a gnome. You ain’t a separate self either. You could be motivated and inspired even if you focused on thoughts of being a gnome, cause those thoughts aren’t believed. In both cases, separate self & gnome, the thoughts aren’t true… but only in the separate self thoughts is there suffering, because the thoughts are believed to some extent to be true. The Good News is ‘they’re’ thoughts. How the thoughts feel, is how you can feel that you are infinite awesome love.   

 

There isn’t anything ‘wrong’ with you or the thoughts. ‘Wrong’ & ‘negative’ are aversion… Awareness of thoughts is the remedy. (Not that anything is wrong and needs to be fixed - the remedy as in - changing the momentum / alignment). In the willingness to be aware of the thoughts, the thoughts can no longer ‘hold their power’ or be experienced as wrong or negative.   

 

Humor, laughter, feels good, and feels like relief, because the punchline changes the perspective. 

 

Why doesn’t Stevie Wonder pick the movie when he goes to the cinema?

Cause he’s married. 

 

See?

Feel free to make some separate self jokes. It’s healing. Just don’t make them at anyone else’s expense.

(See 🙂 , it can be funny, it can be lighthearted, laughed about). 

I think / suspect the being drawn to the discord is a subtle wanting the discord to be someone else’s fault, wanting someone to take responsibility for their actions. I can relate. There’s a lot os sob’s out there. But breaking the cycle is liberation. There are no separate selves. Allow that to be seen on behalf of what seemed like “others” who essentially did not live up to their responsibilities. ‘They’, ‘we’ all suffered or suffer, of the can-not-be-any-other-way fact that there is only the infinite self. Infinite can not know finite. For there to be experience, infinite must overlook itself. This means overlooking it’s essential nature, to which the words happiness, peace, intelligence, and unconditional love point. Draw upon the feeling those words invoke. Allow that alignment to get you up out of that bed, and share the TRUTH wether in your words, actions, or silence, will your world, your creation, which you are being. There is no other way. Earth surpassed it’s sleeping sob’s quota hundreds of years ago. We’re way above critical mass. We need you on the team… that doesn’t really exist. But, we do need ya. 

 

Responsibilities.

🤍Response-ability. 🤍

 

Show these people what they believe they are afraid of so they aren’t anymore. Just show them love. 

Appreciate. You are fortunate to be able to get a license, to drive a vehicle, to go where you want, when you want. To roll all the windows done and turn something bone crushing & ass kicking all the way up. 

What is the point of life if you aren’t living it!?

Love this response. I don’t know what happened but this morning when I woke up I felt deeply depressed and didn’t want to get out of bed. I cried a little then kept laying there and eventually I started to feel really good and I experienced much clarity. Then I read what you wrote above and it got me fired up. Idk what changed but things are looking up right now. And it is true there is much to appreciate. Living here in America and having a car and my big complaint is needing to go to the dmv. Kinda amazing that that is my biggest complaint.

[Kevin]

I tried hypnosis recently. Got very emotional during the session. Felt very cathartic. Made lots of connections during the session and in the days after about loving and accepting one’s self and how that leads naturally to focusing on more positive things. I think one reason why I had trouble with this before was sometimes I hated myself. Another insight is that action is always now. So feeling my feelings when there is discord and not trying to work out the thought story is most effective.

 

I was out of commission for 2 weeks because I had ringworm. So I missed going to jiu jitsu. When I went today I felt very tired and out of practice and initially I was discouraged because I started thinking about how I suck and I’ll never be a pro. But I think the key is to see the positive. I went. And I’m taking action on going more. And I’m sure that momentum will pick.

[Kevin]

I don’t know what’s wrong honestly. I’ve been feeling somewhat average for a while now some good days some bad days. Nothing crazy. But today I feel terrible. I feel like something is very wrong. Constant thoughts about how I’ll always be a failure and I’ll never amount to anything continuously arise. I just want to disappear. I think I’ll feel terrible forever which feels awful. I just don’t see a solution. I want someone else to help. I want someone else to solve it but of course no one can. Just feeling majorly stuck

[Phil]

The assumption is that something is wrong. 

The truth is nothing is wrong, and this is just how these thoughts feel. “Wrong” is a thought.

Judgement doesn’t resonate with or feel good to unconditional love. There are no separate selves to judge, there are only judgmental thoughts. 

The most discordant thought is ‘something is wrong with me’. 

Me = unconditional love, and ‘wrong’ is a very discordant thought about you, and this is felt by you, which is unconditional, infinite & whole. 

It is as if you are attempting to force yourself to bend to the believing of thoughts to accommodate the beliefs that something is wrong with you…

… and you are feeling the truth without exception that you are perfect love. Every single time the thought arises, without exception. 

When allowed to be this simple & straightforward, it is seen that it is this simple and straight forward, and letting the belief that something is wrong go, begins. 

That looks like focusing instead on feeling breathing in the stomach (not focusing on, believing, entertaining the thought / belief, and then trying to feel better from someone, something or some experience). 

 

Letting it go… vs… believing there is something that needs to be solved. 

Focusing on what you do want, what feels good to you… vs… believing there is a separate self, which is ‘stuck’. 

The emotional scale is the un-sticker. 

[Kevin]

2 hours ago, Phil said:

The assumption is that something is wrong. 

The truth is nothing is wrong, and this is just how these thoughts feel. “Wrong” is a thought.

Judgement doesn’t resonate with or feel good to unconditional love. There are no separate selves to judge, there are only judgmental thoughts. 

The most discordant thought is ‘something is wrong with me’. 

Me = unconditional love, and ‘wrong’ is a very discordant thought about you, and this is felt by you, which is unconditional, infinite & whole. 

It is as if you are attempting to force yourself to bend to the believing of thoughts to accommodate the beliefs that something is wrong with you…

… and you are feeling the truth without exception that you are perfect love. Every single time the thought arises, without exception. 

When allowed to be this simple & straightforward, it is seen that it is this simple and straight forward, and letting the belief that something is wrong go, begins. 

That looks like focusing instead on feeling breathing in the stomach (not focusing on, believing, entertaining the thought / belief, and then trying to feel better from someone, something or some experience). 

 

Letting it go… vs… believing there is something that needs to be solved. 

Focusing on what you do want, what feels good to you… vs… believing there is a separate self, which is ‘stuck’. 

The emotional scale is the un-sticker. 

Thanks Phil. This is making more sense today. Really resonating and I’m feeling better today.

I just started reading breath by James Nestor where he talks about many physical and even mental health issues like depression are caused by mouth breathing. I realized that when I get into those really dark places I’m pretty sure I’m mouth breathing. Since last night I’ve been breathing through my nose and I think it’s made a huge difference. I gotta have more time to test it but it seems shocking that such a simple shift could solve so much.

 

looking at what you wrote today there is much more desire to move forward rather than blaming and insisting on keeping the bullshit going.

[Phil]

Awesome!

 

Notice the simplicity … focusing on breathing through the nose, or the stomach… is not focusing on an arising discordant thought.

It is letting go.  

When discord, conditioning, is emptying - be fully present & aware that it is. 

Whenever discordant thoughts arise, even “that bad thought”, even when “that worst thought” seems to have center stage - that is great! That is the ‘barfing up’, the emptying. Simply return attention to breathing through the nose or stomach, knowing it’s emptying out, and that’s what you want. 🤍

Even… rather than ‘buying into the story’ and creating discord or resistance within yourself - welcome it! Love it! 

[Kevin]

3 hours ago, Phil said:

Awesome!

 

Notice the simplicity … focusing on breathing through the nose, or the stomach… is not focusing on an arising discordant thought.

It is letting go.  

When discord, conditioning, is emptying - be fully present & aware that it is. 

Whenever discordant thoughts arise, even “that bad thought”, even when “that worst thought” seems to have center stage - that is great! That is the ‘barfing up’, the emptying. Simply return attention to breathing through the nose or stomach, knowing it’s emptying out, and that’s what you want. 🤍

Even… rather than ‘buying into the story’ and creating discord or resistance within yourself - welcome it! Love it! 

Will do man, thanks. I think there is even more to this nose breathing thing. Might just be what was missing. After a week or two of doing it and finishing the book I’ll make a thread about it.

[Kevin]

So I was just at Safeway for some groceries and I noticed lots of people there shopping for Valentine’s Day. It got me thinking a lot about things. It got me thinking and I felt some regret. And I was thinking about how I want a girlfriend. And also feeling a little worried about when it will happen for me. When I was around high school age I picked up all these beliefs around dating and what women want. I think all of it was pretty toxic and honestly incorrect. I think I picked up a lot of these beliefs because I was trying to figure out what girls want.

 

Now I’m seeing how a lot of these ideas are toxic but it’s tough to see things any other way. I thought I knew what girls wanted but I was totally off. I guess I was looking for certainty and security in beliefs but it was all very toxic.

And I feel some regret because I think I’ve always been good enough to date whoever I wanted. But I just never thought I was good enough.

 

I notice how a lot of the time people who are sad will justify and even debate you about how they are right to be said and how they are right to stay sad.

I think the negativity is addictive. I notice that in myself I am sort of attached in a weird way to being pessimistic.

[Kevin]

So I met 2 different girls on different days. Both at the gym. Got their instagrams. Proud of my self for doing that. I usually find it really scary approaching girls I’m attracted to so I was stoked about that. I messaged them and one responded and seems pretty interested. Gonna go on a date with her Wednesday. The other girl never responded. 
 

It’s weird but right now I’m honestly more bummed that the 1 girl didn’t respond then I am stoked that I’m going on a date with this other girl.   I am frustrated by that. It’s kind of dumb. If a girl isn’t interested in me why worry? But for some reason I’m kind of hurt rather than being stoked about going on that date.

 

good learning experience though because I used to be super ashamed whenever I thought I was being awkward. But the girl who I’m going on the date with, when I talked to her I was super awkward because I was nervous. But the second girl I was only slightly nervous and I felt like I was way smoother. Just goes to show I have no idea what girls want. I think that’s a good thing though.

 

I think the reason I was focusing on so much on the thoughts about getting rejected is because I was thinking that it meant something about me. Also I was thinking it was reflective of my worth as a person. Also I was thinking it was indicative of what will happen in the future when I talk to girls. Which I guess is the emotional guidance telling me not to trip about all that negative shit.

[Kevin]

Feeling really low today. Finally going on a date tomorrow after what feels like such a long time. I was excited before but right now I’m just feeling super insecure. I think I thought that if I got a girl to like me I’d feel better. But it’s a fucking hamster wheel because now I’m feeling hella insecure and now the thought process is that it isn't the right girl liking me. I feel hella stuck focusing on negative thoughts about what’s wrong with me. I just wish things were different. I’m at a loss honestly. I don’t know what to do. It feels like there’s no way out. In a way there’s not. I’m not gonna logic my way out of this.