Journal

[Kevin]

So I’ve had an emotionally difficult couple of weeks. The common theme seems to be that I’m just tired of being me. I feel lonely and I think negative thoughts like I’m lonely because I’m not worthy of connecting with others. And sometimes  I think it would be better if I wasn’t here which feels terrible. Just to be clear I would never kill myself, but sometimes the thought that it would be better if I was gone comes up.

Lately I’ve been noticing how all my negative moods and my negative ideas about people and the world are literally me arguing with reality. I’m noticing how I have to put in an actual effort towards being negative. It seems that when I’m in a bad mood things aren’t actually bad but I’m insisting on things being shitty. I don’t know how to stop doing this and so I feel guilty for being so negative and sad.

[Kevin]

So I moved to Vegas recently. It’s really hot but every day feels like summer which is great. Being in nice weather puts me in a good mood. Also there are lots of pretty girls and lots of people in general. Basically things are looking up in a lot of ways. I seem to be falling into illusion less and less which is nice. Slowly positive momentum is building. However it always seems like I’m on the cusp of something but I never quite get there. For example I am becoming more expressive which is what I want but I get stuck in a matrix of thought about what others are thinking about me and I start watching my communication because I don’t want to get made fun of or humiliated. Also I often see pretty girls in Vegas. On the street, in grocery stores and just throughout my day. I seem to always get nervous and I always have a reason why I shouldn’t talk to them and I just feel more fear than inspiration in that area which is frustrating. A big part of that is the thoughts about how they are better/cooler than me and they wouldn’t want to talk to me anyway because I’m weird. Also some thoughts about how they would not get anything out of interacting with me. Like I don’t have anything to offer.

[Phil]

I hope the light is soon seen. 🤍 I remember experiencing similar if not the same thoughts and realizing, it wasn’t a separate me I was tired of at all… it was just the thoughts about, and how they felt, that I was tired of. Basically it wasn’t me I wanted gone, but a habit born of misunderstanding. Once it was realized I didn’t like how certain thoughts felt, it was realized this must be the case for everyone. It was then easy to see what Byron Katie means by my business, and their business - that I wasn’t feeling the burn of discordant thoughts someone else might be thinking or believing, that they were, and I’m ok with it - I’m not even feeling it, not really my business. Nothing to do with me really, that’s their business. 🙂 I have my dreamboard, my desires & my letting go of doubt or judgement if & when it arises. My business. In addressing only my business, I swear, it was truly as if a lion awoke within me. The next ah ha took a minute, but it was realized that is what I have to offer. That is what is most desired… and it wasn’t a ‘doing’ at all, but a letting go of a habit, simply by the noticing when it occurs. It’s the effortlessness, the simplicity of living this way, which is so desirable. It’s the freedom from believing discordant thoughts, from believing in positive & negative, from believing in judgement / that there are separate selves which could be judged,  which is so desired, and so curiously attracting. 

 

[Kevin]

2 hours ago, Phil said:

I hope the light is soon seen. 🤍 I remember experiencing similar if not the same thoughts and realizing, it wasn’t a separate me I was tired of at all… it was just the thoughts about, and how they felt, that I was tired of. Basically it wasn’t me I wanted gone, but a habit born of misunderstanding. Once it was realized I didn’t like how certain thoughts felt, it was realized this must be the case for everyone. It was then easy to see what Byron Katie means by my business, and their business - that I wasn’t feeling the burn of discordant thoughts someone else might be thinking or believing, that they were, and I’m ok with it - I’m not even feeling it, not really my business. Nothing to do with me really, that’s their business. 🙂 I have my dreamboard, my desires & my letting go of doubt or judgement if & when it arises. My business. In addressing only my business, I swear, it was truly as if a lion awoke within me. The next ah ha took a minute, but it was realized that is what I have to offer. That is what is most desired… and it wasn’t a ‘doing’ at all, but a letting go of a habit, simply by the noticing when it occurs. It’s the effortlessness, the simplicity of living this way, which is so desirable. It’s the freedom from believing discordant thoughts, from believing in positive & negative, from believing in judgement / that there are separate selves which could be judged,  which is so desired, and so curiously attracting. 

 

Thanks Phil. It’s inspiring reading because even if I’m not quite where I want to be things are slowly changing for the better. So hopefully these things will keep clicking as things unfold.

[Phil]

@Kevin

☺️

 

This is (imo) really great to read from time to time. Some insights might arise, some dots might connect. 

God bless 🙏🏻 

[Kevin]

I’ve had a really emotionally rough day. I live with a roommate who has a yorkie and honestly fuck that dog. I normally think it’s cute but it’s so fucking needy and it follows me everywhere. When I’m pissed that’s the last think I want is a fucking dog following me around. And honestly there’s gotta be something wrong with me. Like why the fuck is it so hard to talk to a girl. Why the fuck is it so hard for me to just go talk to a girl. Apparently it’s Fucking impossible for me. 
 

I feel so hopeless. No matter what I do it seems like I just end up by my self and upset about being by myself. I just want to escape from my life. I hate it. I hate being me. I think I’m pathetic.

 

I feel like I’m always playing a character and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t know how to stop thinking these shitty thoughts.

 

i honestly feel terrible and unloved and I feel guilty and ashamed about that because I think I must be doing something wrong. Like if I wasn’t so weak and shy maybe I’d have friends and maybe there would be girls who like me.

 

I Fucking hate that I’m shy. I’ve always hated it but I just can’t seem to be different.

[Phil]

@Kevin

I wonder if wanting to meet a girl / girlfriend is softer and more aligned feeling than perhaps some thoughts about needing one to be happy. It might resonate… want is an outward expression of desire, need is in a way inherently discordant. What is infinite and whole can create and desire, but can not rightfully need. The discord can be misunderstood when internalized inwardly. One can readily be happy and want, but it’s tough to frame as needed and simultaneously feel whole, and happy.

 

You might be experiencing transference. The feelings experienced and thought to be about the present, and therein about meeting someone special, might not be related to the present or meeting someone special, but to a past relationship. Might be something like someone left basically, and you thought it was because of you, when it wasn’t. 

 

The ‘connector’, or what keeps this going, might be the thoughts about yourself. It might be difficult to see, feel and except that there is great hope for your future readily available, that you are profoundly loved, and that it, whatever it is - is not your fault and is not something to be ashamed about. It might very well be someone else’s decision, actions, and discord & karma. 

 

 

[Kevin]

2 hours ago, Phil said:

@Kevin

I wonder if wanting to meet a girl / girlfriend is softer and more aligned feeling than perhaps some thoughts about needing one to be happy. It might resonate… want is an outward expression of desire, need is in a way inherently discordant. What is infinite and whole can create and desire, but can not rightfully need. The discord can be misunderstood when internalized inwardly. One can readily be happy and want, but it’s tough to frame as needed and simultaneously feel whole, and happy.

 

Totally agree here. Want feels a lot better than need. I was in a very bad mood yesterday and I think metaphorically speaking I put my hand on the stove because I think I deserve it. What i was thinking was painful but I felt super stuck in that and I felt like I deserved to feel that way at the time.

 

2 hours ago, Phil said:

You might be experiencing transference. The feelings experienced and thought to be about the present, and therein about meeting someone special, might not be related to the present or meeting someone special, but to a past relationship. Might be something like someone left basically, and you thought it was because of you, when it wasn’t. 

 

Almost certainly transference going on. My first girlfriend broke up with me after she started hanging out with this new guy and she started dating him the day after she broke up with me. I was very sad about it for a long time. Definitely thought it was my fault. I thought that if I’d been stronger and more assertive and less of a pushover that she wouldn’t have left me. I don’t think I really got over it.
 

In the last couple years I sort of forgave her but it didn’t quite feel complete. I don’t think it felt complete because I was forgiving her for hurting me. I know now it was my perspective on it that was so painful and I blamed her for that.

 

Honestly that whole situation might have been transference of some other situation because I always thought it was a little odd how her braking up with me was so painful.

 

2 hours ago, Phil said:

The ‘connector’, or what keeps this going, might be the thoughts about yourself. It might be difficult to see, feel and except that there is great hope for your future readily available, that you are profoundly loved, and that it, whatever it is - is not your fault and is not something to be ashamed about. It might very well be someone else’s decision, actions, and discord & karma. 

 

 

Thank you for the kind words. Usually I feel somewhat optimistic but lately I’ve been getting some body work done and sometimes the day or 2 after the sessions I’ll be really emotional. I think that’s why I was so down yesterday.

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

Totally agree here. Want feels a lot better than need. I was in a very bad mood yesterday and I think metaphorically speaking I put my hand on the stove because I think I deserve it. What i was thinking was painful but I felt super stuck in that and I felt like I deserved to feel that way at the time.

I hear that. I’ve been there man, it’s no picnic. For what it’s worth, I love ya, God loves ya, you are loved, you are worthy, you are deserving.  It’s a very touchy thing, wether to comment anything on the journals. 🤷‍♂️ I wanna offer some help, or insight or encouragement, but I sincerely don’t wanna mistake venting for an ask for any help you know? Weird. Lol. 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

Almost certainly transference going on. My first girlfriend broke up with me after she started hanging out with this new guy and she started dating him the day after she broke up with me. I was very sad about it for a long time. Definitely thought it was my fault. I thought that if I’d been stronger and more assertive and less of a pushover that she wouldn’t have left me. I don’t think I really got over it.
 

In the last couple years I sort of forgave her but it didn’t quite feel complete. I don’t think it felt complete because I was forgiving her for hurting me. I know now it was my perspective on it that was so painful and I blamed her for that.

 

Honestly that whole situation might have been transference of some other situation because I always thought it was a little odd how her braking up with me was so painful.

Also rough, I do feel for ya man. I really, really, really hope you’re sort of zooming out as much as possible and seeing that you’re taking a look at the things - and I hope you’re feeling good about that! 

1 hour ago, Kevin said:

Thank you for the kind words. Usually I feel somewhat optimistic but lately I’ve been getting some body work done and sometimes the day or 2 after the sessions I’ll be really emotional. I think that’s why I was so down yesterday.

For sure. It’s like tasing barf on the way out. Worthwhile, but not necessarily easy or pleasant, at least not all of it. It’s a process. I think you’re doing great. One thing that comes to mind, if there is a more childhood related transference at play which is discovered… I know it can sound so cliche… but the power of applying appreciation, and how it changes a particular subject which has been discordant for a while, is very great. Can really be a game changer. I’ve sat before and just basically held someone from my past in mind, and written down three appreciative thoughts or perspectives about them / or the situation / or memory, and man, it wasn’t easy, and it took a while, but by the time I did come up with that third one there was a significant change. A real change, the difference I was looking for. Got the ‘weight’ off me. As always, hope something here helps. Above all, and imo it can never be said too much, you are loved brother. God is loving us all so so much. 

[Kevin]

2 hours ago, Phil said:

I hear that. I’ve been there man, it’s no picnic. For what it’s worth, I love ya, God loves ya, you are loved, you are worthy, you are deserving.  It’s a very touchy thing, wether to comment anything on the journals. 🤷‍♂️ I wanna offer some help, or insight or encouragement, but I sincerely don’t wanna mistake venting for an ask for any help you know? Weird. Lol. 
 

No worries about commenting man. Helpful comments from a kind place are always welcome. For example, I already logically know I can’t solve discord and I should just let it go. But when I’m in the thick of it hearing it from someone is helpful even if I’ve heard it a bunch. The comments always appreciated.

 

2 hours ago, Phil said:

Also rough, I do feel for ya man. I really, really, really hope you’re sort of zooming out as much as possible and seeing that you’re taking a look at the things - and I hope you’re feeling good about that! 

For sure. It’s like tasing barf on the way out. Worthwhile, but not necessarily easy or pleasant, at least not all of it. It’s a process. I think you’re doing great. One thing that comes to mind, if there is a more childhood related transference at play which is discovered… I know it can sound so cliche… but the power of applying appreciation, and how it changes a particular subject which has been discordant for a while, is very great. Can really be a game changer. I’ve sat before and just basically held someone from my past in mind, and written down three appreciative thoughts or perspectives about them / or the situation / or memory, and man, it wasn’t easy, and it took a while, but by the time I did come up with that third one there was a significant change. A real change, the difference I was looking for. Got the ‘weight’ off me. As always, hope something here helps. Above all, and imo it can never be said too much, you are loved brother. God is loving us all so so much. 

This is honestly fantastic advice I’m gonna do some writing when I get home.

 

Also on the tasting barf metaphor I worry sometimes because I think I should be past some things by now. I think that the process of purification is taking too long. In certain areas I see massive improvements so I keep at it but sometimes I get pretty discouraged because I just want to be done with it.

[Phil]

@Kevin  🙏🏻♥️

If the ‘same old thing’ keeps coming up, it’s coming up because the interpretation is ‘about you’ but is still discordant because it isn’t true. Seeing that it isn’t true about you = it doesn’t come up anymore. I think you’re internalizing discord that belongs to someone else. Someone else’s discord, poor choices, poor behavior, and someone else’s karma. 

 

An example… I have a friend who struggled with unworthiness for many years, ever since her childhood. He dad moved to another state when she was very young, around 5 - 7. She had internalized his choice & his actions. She assumed it was because she wasn’t worth sticking around for, that she wasn’t lovable. It wasn’t until she was in her thirties that she brought that discordant interpretation into the light of awareness and began to consider the event from his perspective. It clicked for her that he was consumed by alcoholism and gambling addiction and denied, and or couldn’t face his responsibilities. She had a baby, and the instant she saw him she feel in love, and realized the pain her dad must have endured, the hell he must have suffered and continues to suffer for his choices. The way she put it was that she now see’s he had a whole in his heart that could only be filled by God’s love, and he so deeply believed he was unworthy, that he was trying to fill that hole with drugs, alcohol and the thrill of gambling. She realized he wasn’t allowing, allowing the love, and she realized it just wasn’t about her at all, and that she was loved more than she ever noticed, because she had been repeatedly believing that she wasn’t worthy or lovable. 

 

Might be helpful or ‘click’ with allowing, letting source clean it out….https://www.actualityofbeing.com/just-let-source-take-out-the-garbage

And there might be (hopefully) a nugget or two from yesterday’s video… https://youtu.be/dgfBA4do0rw

 

‘Letting source take out the garbage’ is the same as allowing source (love) in. 🙂 

Much love brother! 🙏🏻 

[Kevin]

2 hours ago, Phil said:

@Kevin  🙏🏻♥️

If the ‘same old thing’ keeps coming up, it’s coming up because the interpretation is ‘about you’ but is still discordant because it isn’t true. Seeing that it isn’t true about you = it doesn’t come up anymore. I think you’re internalizing discord that belongs to someone else. Someone else’s discord, poor choices, poor behavior, and someone else’s karma. 

 

An example… I have a friend who struggled with unworthiness for many years, ever since her childhood. He dad moved to another state when she was very young, around 5 - 7. She had internalized his choice & his actions. She assumed it was because she wasn’t worth sticking around for, that she wasn’t lovable. It wasn’t until she was in her thirties that she brought that discordant interpretation into the light of awareness and began to consider the event from his perspective. It clicked for her that he was consumed by alcoholism and gambling addiction and denied, and or couldn’t face his responsibilities. She had a baby, and the instant she saw him she feel in love, and realized the pain her dad must have endured, the hell he must have suffered and continues to suffer for his choices. The way she put it was that she now see’s he had a whole in his heart that could only be filled by God’s love, and he so deeply believed he was unworthy, that he was trying to fill that hole with drugs, alcohol and the thrill of gambling. She realized he wasn’t allowing, allowing the love, and she realized it just wasn’t about her at all, and that she was loved more than she ever noticed, because she had been repeatedly believing that she wasn’t worthy or lovable. 

 

Might be helpful or ‘click’ with allowing, letting source clean it out….https://www.actualityofbeing.com/just-let-source-take-out-the-garbage

And there might be (hopefully) a nugget or two from yesterday’s video… https://youtu.be/dgfBA4do0rw

 

‘Letting source take out the garbage’ is the same as allowing source (love) in. 🙂 

Much love brother! 🙏🏻 

Thanks man that is inspiring she was able to see it wasn’t about her. And it definitely is certain that’s that keep coming up that I keep believing.

 

Another video? Hell yeah you’re dropping them quick.❤️🎁

[Faith]

@Kevin 💙

[Kevin]

Emotionally things have been better for me. One new development is that I feel an odd separation from my body. It’s strange but freeing. It feels like my body is anxious and insecure but not me. And not in a crazy mystical spiritual way. It’s simply a tension felt in my body that’s very uncomfortable and I used to interpret it as I’m guilty or I’m ashamed or I’m scared but now it’s just a muscular tension that my body experiences.

 

it’s very frustrating because I feel like I’m past it. Logically I know I’m a cool guy. Logically I know if I talk to a few girls normally, one will like me. But there’s these uncomfortable feelings that happen in my body that make me uncomfortable. I don’t like feeling these things. Pretty much all day every day I experience a knot in my shoulder and head that is very uncomfortable and it’s related to these feelings of shame, guilt, insecurity, fear, etc. basically I’m the last week it feels like I don’t believe in those things but my body still does. My body still goes through the physical reaction. So I still feel bad even though I’m not on board with the negativity. It’s kinda frustrating.

 

sometimes I’ll think about times where I felt amazing and I just wish I was feeling that way. And then I think there might be something wrong with my body because I feel this very specific constant tension in my body that suppresses my happiness. And there have been moments on psychedelics or in dee meditation where this tension or knot suddenly aligns itself and I joy and peace but I can’t get it to stay that way.

[Kevin]

So there is this girl who goes to my jiu jitsu gym. I think she’s attractive and I know she thinks I’m attractive. I just moved back to Reno and I knew her before I moved to Vegas. I meant to ask her out before I moved to Vegas but I kept getting nervous and putting it off. Now I’m back in Reno I want to get to know her better and hang out with her outside jiu jitsu. Throughout today so many discordant perspectives were coming up. These are perspectives I remember holding onto in high school and college and I’m hoping that I can finally transmute and move past these perspectives.

 

I think I need to ask her out because I fear that us talking and hanging out won’t develop organically. Perhaps holding this perspective is making it harder for us to connect more.

 

I feel a lot of pressure because there have been times in the past where I didn’t ask a girl out quick enough and she started dating someone else.

basically all this is transference from previous situations that I guess I never resolved.

 

I know all these perspectives feel shitty but I also think I need to have the pressure because if I don’t then I’ll never ask her out. So I start to believe in perspectives like I need to ask her out because I think otherwise it’ll never happen. I experience a lot of thoughts of doubt and worry whenever I like a specific girl. It’s honestly so stressful I’m pretty sick of it.

 

I do feel some hope because for the first time I’m actually questioning these perspectives and I’m starting to see them as unhelpful and false. Maybe in the situation with this girl if I felt more happy and aligned something would very naturally develop. Maybe I’m making it super hard on myself with these perspectives. But no I’m not making it hard. These perspectives are just sorting arising. I don’t think I’m choosing these thoughts. I’m giving them way less attention than I used to but perhaps I’m still fueling them. And I’m subtle ways keeping the discordant momentum alive by thinking I need the girl or I need to solve this or I need to ask her out or I need her to like me.

[Kevin]

Not feeling too hot as of late. Went home to visit my family and I experienced a lot of guilt because I don’t like hanging out with them. I feel uncomfortable around the and then I feel guilty for feeling uncomfortable around them. I think why can’t I just be more understanding toward them. Why can’t I just let go of the negative thinking around them.
 

I feel guilty because I think the reason I have trouble enjoying their presence is because I have a lot of resentment from growing up. I think that if I give it up then I’m weak. I guess I made some sort of pact with myself when I was younger. Part of me doesn’t want to move past it which is super strange because I see it’s making me very unhappy.

 

Also I’ve been having some thoughts around solipsism come up. Like if my parents aren’t those bad people that hurt me and I’m not the victim then who is anyone. Feels kind of disorienting to let that go. Like if I let that go than they as the identity I thought they were is gone. But then what. Are they just who I imagine them to be. That scares me and confuses me.

 

Also not sure if this is normal but I think about my 5meodmt trips pretty much every day. And I haven’t done 5meo since like February. And before February I hadn’t done it for almost a year. Occasionally I’ll even get a flash of what the trip was like accompanied by an emotion. Usually fear or terror. I think I have some unprocessed emotions in general a long with unprocessed emotions from the 5meo trips. 

[Kevin]

I have a pact with myself that I have to be right so if someone does something I don’t like and I think it’s unfair then I will basically go on an internal rant about how much they suck how they are awful. This feels bad. I did it because I care about myself. I was trying to protect myself but I was basically hurting myself. Then I would hate myself because I deserve to feel that way. How could I have been so backwards? And even after seeing like this I’m sure I’ll still occasionally fall into hating on others even though it hurts.

[Kevin]

Recently I got put on antibiotics for a staph infection. I’ve never taken antibiotics before but they have been wreaking havoc on my mood. The whole time I was on them I felt bad emotionally. It’s poor timing because I just moved into a house with roommates and I’m worried I’m not making the best first impression. Mostly worried because I just want to be alone because I don’t feel good but I feel like I should be getting to know them and socializing.

 

I am hoping once I’ve been off the antibiotics for a bit I’ll feel better. But then there is a fear that this is just how I am now. Antisocial, loner, lone wolf type with no friends and no one to talk to. Shit sucks honestly. Right now I’m not doing to hot. I feel like that’s always how I’m doing though. I feel like I’m always struggling and I always will struggle.

[Phil]

@Kevin

So sorry to hear that and hoping for a full recovery asap! 

[Kevin]

4 hours ago, Phil said:

@Kevin

So sorry to hear that and hoping for a full recovery asap! 

Thanks bro 🙏