I can't keep living like this anymore

[fopylo]

I can't keep suppressing myself and my emotions when I'm with others.

I can't keep hiding all my life.

Sometimes I wish I was a different person, with a better functioning brain.

Sometimes I wish I was born to a better family, a more loving one.

I always feel relieved from the troubles and stress from the outside world when I'm alone in my room,

getting to feel a bit my inside world.

It happens so rare, I just strive for those moments of piece.

Can't stop feeling like I'm being tested,

without revealing the correct answers eventually,

never truly resting at the top.

Speaking from the heart clears the mind.

Much harder when you think you need something, or try to avoid.

OCD, I'm becoming very mental.

Feeling protected, got used to that fear, but not really.

I can't relate to all those great people, who innocently live and know nothing more outside of themselves.

I'm jealous of them.

Can't keep ruminating and hating.

Falling into darkness, creating a fire,

just to realize it is my shadow.

I don't know how tomorrow will be, but everyday I've been on YouTube 24/7, or just doing nothing.

I say I have ambitions and goals I want to achieve.

I also like to think I'm on my way,

but God is laughing.

I'm waiting for the perfect moment to start.

I'm waiting for never.

My life in essence hasn't changed much for the last few years.

I need a big change in my emotional stability.

I need help.

It is hard to love, very hard. And I don't mean to really love. I'm talking about the love you all simple normies  know how to do, that I find it more difficult.

When people are starting to talk nice, I quickly shut down and bring up the highest technology of protection possible.

I want to know what it is to be free.

I want to know how it is to be me.

No one even knows I'm struggling. I'm just too good at that.

My struggles are private.

But really, I just can't keep living like this.

I must start doing more exercise and eat healthy.

I must probably meditate or some shit like that.

I'm just too stressed.

Fucking hell man, honestly I'm way too anxious about people more than the average person,

more than the average person who claims he is socially anxious.

I can claim that I never truly felt relieved around friends and family after like age 10.

I know there is a world way beyond my understanding, and I might get to remember it sometime.

Just save me from this current life.

I want to be a normal functioning human being, that is living his dreams. They are starting to slip away, and I'm starting to feel it.

I can't keep living like this,

I should be the hero.

Spiritually I'm the hero, but mentally I'm the villain.

Edited December 30, 2022 by fopylo

[Serenity]

42 minutes ago, fopylo said:

I can't keep suppressing myself and my emotions when I'm with others.

I can't keep hiding all my life.

Sometimes I wish I was a different person, with a better functioning brain.

Sometimes I wish I was born to a better family, a more loving one.

I always feel relieved from the troubles and stress from the outside world when I'm alone in my room,

getting to feel a bit my inside world.

It happens so rare, I just strive for those moments of piece.

Can't stop feeling like I'm being tested,

without revealing the correct answers eventually,

never truly resting at the top.

Speaking from the heart clears the mind.

Much harder when you think you need something, or try to avoid.

OCD, I'm becoming very mental.

Feeling protected, got used to that fear, but not really.

I can't relate to all those great people, who innocently live and know nothing more outside of themselves.

I'm jealous of them.

Can't keep ruminating and hating.

Falling into darkness, creating a fire,

just to realize it is my shadow.

I don't know how tomorrow will be, but everyday I've been on YouTube 24/7, or just doing nothing.

I say I have ambitions and goals I want to achieve.

I also like to think I'm on my way,

but God is laughing.

I'm waiting for the perfect moment to start.

I'm waiting for never.

My life in essence hasn't changed much for the last few years.

I need a big change in my emotional stability.

I need help.

It is hard to love, very hard. And I don't mean to really love. I'm talking about the love you all simple normies  know how to do, that I find it more difficult.

When people are starting to talk nice, I quickly shut down and bring up the highest technology of protection possible.

I want to know what it is to be free.

I want to know how it is to be me.

No one even knows I'm struggling. I'm just too good at that.

My struggles are private.

But really, I just can't keep living like this.

I must start doing more exercise and eat healthy.

I must probably meditate or some shit like that.

I'm just too stressed.

Fucking hell man, honestly I'm way too anxious about people more than the average person,

more than the average person who claims he is socially anxious.

I can claim that I never truly felt relieved around friends and family after like age 10.

I know there is a world way beyond my understanding, and I might get to remember it sometime.

Just save me from this current life.

I want to be a normal functioning human being, that is living his dreams. They are starting to slip away, and I'm starting to feel it.

I can't keep living like this,

I should be the hero.

Spiritually I'm the hero, but mentally I'm the villain.

 

Someone is releasing, expressing and moving toward something new. 😀

I feel good vicariously through you, and you inspire me to do the same.

 

🤍

 

[fopylo]

@Serenity I'm glad I somehow made you feel better

[Loop]

Fucking God always laughing, why can he just let me cry sometimes 😭

But He is just laughing at the thoughts, trying to dispel them.

Who ever told you to start thinking about Spirituality?

No one needs to learn,

Just A Child’s Heart. 
 

Just the psychic world,

Neither really spiritual, 

Or mental.

Two polarities both go to Love.

Each shoulder,

Lowered into the Above.

Allow the pain,

Allow the joy,

But most of all love the Unborn Boy.

 

[fopylo]

@Loop

Yeah man it's just that I had a hard week. I believe I have this seasonal depression or whatever. Socially it has become more stressful with the winter entering.

I don't know what to expect now. I want good friendships and connections

[Blessed2]

🤍

 

Awesome. Keep expressing. Keep opening up. That's GREAT! Everything is falling into place.

 

@Serenity @Loop 🤍❤️❤️😂😂❤️❤️

 

Everything is so fucking FINE.

 

New Years and everything. 🎉🎉🎉

[Serenity]

13 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

🤍

 

Awesome. Keep expressing. Keep opening up. That's GREAT! Everything is falling into place.

 

@Serenity @Loop 🤍❤️❤️😂😂❤️❤️

 

Everything is so fucking FINE.

 

New Years and everything. 🎉🎉🎉

Awww.

 

Happy new year to you too, buddy! And to everyone. ❤️🤍 🎉🎉 🎉🤍❤️

 

Edited January 1, 2023 by Serenity

[Phil]

You can keep on this way. 

[Phil]

@fopylo

The power is in recognizing you don’t have to.