Dealing with shame. How to release?

[WhiteOwl]

I realized an emotion i feel a lot is shame, and also the emotion that i often try to avoid is also shame. 

 

I just had a nights out with some friends at a party, and i feel a lot of shame about a lot of things looking back at the night. In every situation i feel ashamed by either having been too much, too little, too insecure. Bad at at that, thinking im too good at this. Sounds like it has to do with self-acceptance, but i wonder if anyone have been dealing with something familiar? Shame is not on the emotional scale, so it seems like expressing it in the same way as being disappointed doesn't really release it.

[Loop]

Shame cannot be expressed because it isn’t really an emotion, it is the result of thought-loops entangling into a self-referential knot. Explore what the shame seems ‘wrapped around’ see if you can feel out any emotions ‘trapped’ in it, as well as noticing there isn’t a one there who can express or not express an emotion, it just happens as focus is cleared.  
 

Shame is like a weed wrapping around the beautiful flower of emotion(s), stopping them from transmuting towards Love. 
The weed isn’t really there, is it just thinking, put Feeling first. 
 

Edited December 19, 2022 by Loop

[Mandy]

 

It's in with number 21. 

 

We think as if there are two of us, one that can shame the other. Looking into the theory of the super ego in psychology can shed some light on why we do this. Reframe and consciously act as if there are two of you, one that heals and unconditional loves the other. Reiki is a great method of really practicing this, mirror work (Louise Hay) is another. 

 

Looking at the scale again, the emotion up is jealousy, and allowing this can be powerful to help us move in the direction of what we want and recognize and define what that is. 

[Phil]

11 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

I realized an emotion i feel a lot is shame, and also the emotion that i often try to avoid is also shame. 

 

I just had a nights out with some friends at a party, and i feel a lot of shame about a lot of things looking back at the night. In every situation i feel ashamed by either having been too much, too little, too insecure. Bad at at that, thinking im too good at this. Sounds like it has to do with self-acceptance, but i wonder if anyone have been dealing with something familiar? Shame is not on the emotional scale, so it seems like expressing it in the same way as being disappointed doesn't really release it.

Shame is thought, a concept.  Emotion is felt, experienced about the concept. 

The ‘I which feels ashamed’ doesn’t exist and isn’t you. That is also a thought or concept, and emotion is experienced in regard to the thought or concept. 

Self-acceptance is also a concept, in a secondary way, about accepting the ‘separate self’, the ‘I which feels ashamed’, which doesn’t exist and therein can’t be accepted. 

 

But much more so emotion is guidance to what you want. It sure sounds like you know a lot about what you don’t want from that night, and that it helped to realize more about what you don’t want in general. 

What is it you now know you do want?

[Winter]

12 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

I just had a nights out with some friends at a party, and i feel a lot of shame about a lot of things looking back at the night. In every situation i feel ashamed by either having been too much, too little, too insecure.

Good! When you make a mistake, you brain brings back the memory of it so you can remember it more effectively. This is part of learning, the more cringe moments pop up the more you are growing socially.

 

I myself this semester joined an Improv group. I can tell you every week I had all the cringiest moments poping back up in my head from my last Improv session. It's normal, the brain wants to be a social expert. We all want to be popular and show 0 insecurity. So anytime we do things we consider mistakes our brain learn to not reproduce that behavior.

 

 There is nothing you need to do about it and there is nothing you can do to stop your brain from learning from its mistakes. There is nothing to be released, there is no "shame stuck in you". Those mistakes do not have to be painful, you can just laugh at them.

 

There was that time where I was doing Improv and we had a scene about a fucked up priest (me) and a very loyal religious follower. In the scene I was teaching her how to pray and I said "No the right way to pray is to stick your elbows together." I felt so DUMB and CRINGE for forcing her to squish her boobs in front of everyone. What kind of perverted person would force someone to do that on scene? It was very poor taste and unfunny at the time. Felt bad about it for weeks but over time I just accepted this happened I guess 😂

Edited December 20, 2022 by Winter

[Joseph Maynor]

The way to defeat shame is to reveal whatever it is you're ashamed of to others.  If you have something shameful you want to stop hiding it.  It's hard to do at first, but you'll get better at it!  Whatever it is that you're ashamed of, bring it out into the open and practice being ok with that.  Notice other people seeing it and not reacting the way you presumed.  

Edited December 20, 2022 by Joseph Maynor

[Winter]

18 minutes ago, Joseph Maynor said:

The way to defeat shame is to reveal whatever it is you're ashamed of to others.  If you have something shameful you want to stop hiding it.  It's hard to do at first, but you'll get better at it!  Whatever it is that you're ashamed of, bring it out into the open and practice being ok with that.  Notice other people seeing it and not reacting the way you presumed.  

What if other people don't want to see my dick???

[Joseph Maynor]

15 minutes ago, Winter said:

What if other people don't want to see my dick???

I'm missing fingers on both of my hands.  I went a lot of my life hiding my hands.  About 10 years ago, I deliberately started showing my hands to others as a way to work on the shame.  And it worked.  It's the same concept of someone coming out of the closet if their sexuality goes against the norm.  It's living by hiding that caused suffering from shame.  Instead of hiding, you want to reveal.  If you have a small penis, reveal that.  If that's an issue that's going to continue to haunt you!  It's not how big your pencil is, it's how you write your name.  There's other things you can do to compensate for having some deficit that's socially defined.  There are paralyzed men in wheelchairs that have wives.  You don't even need to have sex to have a fulfilling relationship.  Hiding yourself is hiding from what?  You're the one who is going to have to go through this experience.  There's nothing wrong with you on some level (on a level).  That's an insight to be found and cherished in your life at some point.  We tend to think our life is about privileging others over me.  No way man!  So, shame has something to do with a misplaced set of priorities.  There's nothing shameful about your experience.  But most people have to work on this because we're concerned about how we are perceived by others when we live our life.  And the way we think we're perceived by others is often wrong with regard to something we feel ashamed of.

Edited December 20, 2022 by Joseph Maynor

[WhiteOwl]

@Mandy I did look into mirror work at some point. I will give a try again, the "difficulty" lies in the consistency even though its such a small thing. I will commit to it 🙂 

 

@Phil I want to feel completely at ease around "people" in social situations, and be comfortable with being close  to "people" and showing something of myself. Sometimes it feels like every social situation is an exam i can either fail or pass. Even if i am doing good i want to leave it since i'm afraid ill fuck it up. 

I want to look forward being social with new people and getting to know them. 

So the shame is just pointing in the direction of what i want to create? That sounds better. 

 

@LoopHmm i think the shame is wrapped around trying to be perfect. Thats too big of a task for me, i need to drop that. Also i have some ideal about "myself" so i feel more uneasy around "cool" people than less "cool" people. 

 

@WinterSure you learn by your mistakes, but i am not talking about things i would consider mistakes. Its more the "act" of judging/valueing every moment, which makes social situations not enjoyable. I also did improv classes a while ago actually, to try to "solve" what i mention here.

 

@Joseph MaynorShowing what i am afraid of would be being "myself" exactly as i am and feeling good about it, which is what i struggle with. I am not consciously hiding aspects of myself, but something feels off.

 

Thanks for the replies people ❤️

[Mandy]

Show yourself that you can be ok with yourself when you make a mistake. The bottom drops out when we feel over thinking. 

3 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

I also did improv classes a while ago actually, to try to "solve" what i mention here.

That's AWESOME. How did it go? 

[WhiteOwl]

@MandyIt feels like i'm using a lot more energy feeling instead of thinking, as feeling is something i have to "do" while thoughts just are there automaticly. It "feels" alot better, but i never manage to stay in feeling as thoughts take over at some point. Does it get better with practice?

 

Improv was fun at times, it didn't solve "me" though.

[Mandy]

@WhiteOwl I'd say if you're using more energy you're definitely trying to make it a task. Next time you really feel the intense weight of embarrassment or shame, the "OK, I can just drop this" realization will hit, the thoughts will stop, the feeling opened to, and the bottom will fall out. When you stop traumatizing yourself by ignoring the guidance of feeling you can be utterly vulnerable. The sense that we have to work towards that can be avoiding the vulnerability in an attempt to secure invulnerability for ourselves. 

[Phil]

7 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

I want to feel completely at ease around "people" in social situations, and be comfortable with being close  to "people" and showing something of myself.

Blasphemy is never at ease. 

7 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

Sometimes it feels like every social situation is an exam i can either fail or pass.

That thought or perspective is what’s felt. It fundamentally feels off because it’s the separate self of thought. You are yourself. You are not the self thought of. 

Were I in your shoes, I’d stop calling it shame and start considering it’s delusion. Innocent, but delusional. 

7 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

Even if i am doing good i want to leave it since i'm afraid ill fuck it up. 

The emotion of fear is experienced, the concept of a self that is afraid is a concept experienced. Emotion is guidance with respect to that concept. 

7 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

I want to look forward being social with new people and getting to know them. 

So the shame is just pointing in the direction of what i want to create? That sounds better

That you are, and therein are The Creator. This, is what you’re creating. This can be anything. 

[WhiteOwl]

@Mandy When you say feeling, is it what incapsulates the "sensation" of my whole body resting on the couch or chair (or anywhere). Or the sensation in my hands. Or the "feeling" in my chest or stomach. When i "feel" there is no end or beginning, its just a mass of feeling. I sometimes wonder if that is what is meant, but i think it must be, since thoughts subside when attention is on "there". 

 

@PhilI see it, thank you. I do see quite clearly i've never experienced a self or another, which throws all my garbage out. I guess there is nothing else to do than realizing in moments where i am about to be taken over by thoughts. It seems "easy" from here.

 

And i'm not trying to be stubborn with Me, You, I etc, its just for communication.

 

 

[Mandy]

1 hour ago, WhiteOwl said:

@Mandy When you say feeling, is it what incapsulates the "sensation" of my whole body resting on the couch or chair (or anywhere). Or the sensation in my hands. Or the "feeling" in my chest or stomach. When i "feel" there is no end or beginning, its just a mass of feeling. I sometimes wonder if that is what is meant, but i think it must be, since thoughts subside when attention is on "there". 

Yeah feeling itself doesn't have borders, and that's kinda the magic of how tensions and pain dissipates. What I referred to was more generally like what you might describe as a horrible pit or churning in your stomach when you've done something stupid, pulled out in front of someone in traffic, etc. Might feel horrible in your whole body, I dunno. Give attention to the feeling itself rather than thinking, "I'm an idiot, I can't drive, something is wrong with me, he was driving too fast, etc" Of course in any instance this might feel like fear, your legs giving out or going numb, or restriction on the chest, or whatever, if it hurts, it's calling for loving attention. 

[Phil]

13 hours ago, WhiteOwl said:

I guess there is nothing else to do than realizing in moments where i am about to be taken over by thoughts. It seems "easy" from here.

If there’s anything to come up & out or empty, or for release, try the emotions on the scale (rather than shame as an emotion). 

 

Thoughts are felt when the thoughts are experienced, and you’re feeling the thoughts only ever in (as) the present. 

Thoughts might be about last night, or ‘every situation’, or where / when ‘I’m about to be taken over’, etc. 

But… you’re never feeling the thoughts in the ‘other times’ as the content of the thoughts implies.

 

So there’s nothing to ‘solve’ per se about what happened or what might happen, there’s feeling thoughts now and only ever now. 

As it’s always ‘now’, there can always be focus on what you now know you do want.

 

Thoughts can also arise about you being in feeling and or about you being taken over by thoughts. 

Those thoughts about being in or out of feeling are always felt - by feeling. 

Because thoughts arise of, are made of - feeling. 

Same as awareness is aware of thoughts… feeling is feeling thoughts. 

 

Meditation clarifies, but I would just try to notice the present is the ‘only time’ thoughts are experienced. 

So there is literally no chance that you are about to be taken over by thoughts.

That thought about you being in a future… is experienced, and felt, only now as the thought arises. 

Every occurrence of a shameful thought is met with the truth of your shamelessness, and the discord ‘between’ (suffering) is felt. 

Always side with feeling being right so to speak, never the thoughts. 

[Joseph Maynor]

@WhiteOwl It gets easier as you get older to accept yourself.  It's something that can take time.  At 45 years old I accept myself.  At 35 I wouldn't be able to say that.  👍❤️

Edited December 23, 2022 by Joseph Maynor

[Eternal]

Everything is just so perffect when you allow yourself to be as you are. As the unconditional love that is experienced in every waking moment without any kind of self concept whatsoever. No thoughts. Just presence. 

[WhiteOwl]

@Phil It makes sense. I am realizing the Now more and more and that my problems are not there. Thanks for your help and patience once again. Merry Christmas and all that

 

@Joseph MaynorThx, i hope so 😉 Merry Christmas to you

[Phil]

@WhiteOwl

🙏🏻 Merry Christmas! 🍻