I hate my parents

[Kevin]

I’m in my hometown for Christmas and basically I hate being around my parents. I feel so uncomfortable around them and I shut down. Then I feel guilty because they aren’t doing anything horrible to me. If a stranger was acting like them i don’t  think it would bother me that much. So I don’t know why they bother me so much. Of course it’s because they are my parents and there is a lot of negative history. But why can’t I just let it go. None of that negativity is happening now. I feel so guilty and ashamed that I can’t just drop it and forgive them.

 

I was just with my mom and I was fighting back tears most of the time I was with her. All she was doing was having a normal conversation with me and asking me how my life is but I just wanted to run and get away. I have no idea why I wanted to cry but I didn’t want to cry in front of my mom. I’m so confused by it all and it’s honestly horrible. Also I feel so alone because I don’t think I can talk to my parents about this. I don’t think it will ever resolve. I’ve been like this since I was a kid. 

[arjuna]

"If you think youre enlightened, try spending a weekend with your parents"

Ram dass(i think?)

Edited December 19, 2022 by arjuna

[Loop]

You can feel into the Heart and be with the thoughts you wanna feel, nobody around you will even know you are, 

Crying is good, but I can understand if you feel like they won’t approve of it, that is pretty annoying. Comes from shame cycles. They can be uprooted by feeling into the body and aligning with good feeling thoughts of health & kindness, sending loving thoughts to you family and everyone else, you don’t necessarily have to say them to them just feel it out. 
 

Edited December 19, 2022 by Loop

[Phil]

I wouldn’t sweat it. They’ll be dead before you know it and you won’t miss em at all. 

[Loop]

@Phil

 

Funny, I have a friend who’s grandfather just died & he seems glad on some level. Never helped my friend out in his life, was always very critical of him. 
 

[Kevin]

32 minutes ago, arjuna said:

"If you think youre enlightened, try spending a weekend with your parents"

Ram dass(i think?)

I’ve heard that before. I wish it wasn’t the case

[Kevin]

32 minutes ago, Loop said:

You can feel into the Heart and be with the thoughts you wanna feel, nobody around you will even know you are, 

Crying is good, but I can understand if you feel like they won’t approve of it, that is pretty annoying. Comes from shame cycles. They can be uprooted by feeling into the body and aligning with good feeling thoughts of health & kindness, sending loving thoughts to you family and everyone else, you don’t necessarily have to say them to them just feel it out. 
 

It’s weird for me because my mom wouldn’t disapprove, she’d probably try to find out what’s wrong. I didn’t want to cry because I don’t know what’s wrong and I don’t want to deal with her trying to help.

Feeling into thoughts of health and kindness definitely seems like the way. That stuff is much easier when I am away from home. Seems like when I’m here with my parents the painful emotions are very overwhelming and it is hard to get in contact with the positivity and forgiveness.

 

 

[arjuna]

37 minutes ago, Loop said:

You can feel into the Heart and be with the thoughts you wanna feel, nobody around you will even know you are, 

Crying is good, but I can understand if you feel like they won’t approve of it, that is pretty annoying. Comes from shame cycles. They can be uprooted by feeling into the body and aligning with good feeling thoughts of health & kindness, sending loving thoughts to you family and everyone else, you don’t necessarily have to say them to them just feel it out. 
 

Lol, well good luck with all THAT.

Honestly, sounds like you dont have parents, or are one of the lucky few whos families are well adjusted.  

This shit just isnt gonna work for most.

[Kevin]

23 minutes ago, Phil said:

I wouldn’t sweat it. They’ll be dead before you know it and you won’t miss em at all. 

I don’t think that’s true at all. If I really didn’t care at all and if I wanted them to be dead I’d have stop talking to them a decade ago. I think when they pass away I’ll feel a lot of guilt around holding all the resentment.

Kind of an odd take phil

[arjuna]

@Kevintheres always good old fashion therapy.  You can talk with someone actually qualified....or you can get some spiritual platitudes from folks here.

[Phil]

@Kevin

Maybe talk to them now then, 🤷 

[Loop]

@arjuna

 

I don’t own any parents no 😉

 

 Love needs a lot of patience sometimes, this it isn’t a quick fix.

 

16 minutes ago, Kevin said:

Seems like when I’m here with my parents the painful emotions are very overwhelming and it is hard to get in contact with the positivity and forgiveness.

The Love you are is there as you focus on transmuting the painful emotions into better feeling ones. Make little steps up, smaller steps are easier to climb. Talk with them without any expectations, just be curious, see what happens, when you aren’t talking to them focus on getting into the gravity of thoughts that raise you up. 
 

[Kevin]

17 minutes ago, arjuna said:

@Kevintheres always good old fashion therapy.  You can talk with someone actually qualified....or you can get some spiritual platitudes from folks here.

For real that’s honestly what I need to do. Posting here isn’t gonna help. Mainly was just venting cuz I was overwhelmed.

[Kevin]

15 minutes ago, Phil said:

@Kevin

Maybe talk to them now then, 🤷 

Yeah I probably should. Lots of conflicted thoughts about it though.

[Loop]

Breathe.

 

[Phil]

15 minutes ago, Kevin said:

Yeah I probably should. Lots of conflicted thoughts about it though.

Yep. That’s kinda just how it works though. What we keep to ourselves gains a little momentum and seems like a mountain. After talking (with cool heads I hope) and maybe shedding tears etc, all the weight of it’s gone. 

[Winter]

 

22 hours ago, Kevin said:

 But why can’t I just let it go. None of that negativity is happening now. I feel so guilty and ashamed that I can’t just drop it and forgive them.

 

Imagine someone else had this problem and you wanted to force them to forgive their parents. You start telling them "You really suck for not forgiving your parents. Only mediocre people hold grudges, you should really be ashamed of yourself." Is there any good outcome that can come out of this shaming and bullying? If you "forgive" because someone shamed you for "not forgiving" is this really forgiveness or coercion?

 

But this is essentially what you are doing to yourself. Shaming yourself for having emotions, for not being this expected version of yourself. If you want true forgiveness then you want to give yourself the actual freedom to forgive or not and this means being open to the possibility that you don't want to forgive. You have the right to not forgive them, this is your life and you can live it in whichever way you want.

[Phil]

@Kevin

Direct experience wise… this works for all relationships.

 

On 12/18/2022 at 7:49 PM, Kevin said:

I’m in my hometown for Christmas and basically I hate being around my parents.

“I hate” is arguably the most discordant with the truth statement one could make. 

A different perspective…

Hate is an emotion you feel, not something you do, and not something that’s true about you. If it were it’d resonate perfectly. 

 

On 12/18/2022 at 7:49 PM, Kevin said:

I feel so uncomfortable around them and I shut down. Then I feel guilty because they aren’t doing anything horrible to me. If a stranger was acting like them i don’t  think it would bother me that much. So I don’t know why they bother me so much.

The emotion of hate is guidance with respect to perspective, suffering, and what you want. Maybe the answer to why they bother you so much is that they don’t. Maybe the emotion of hate isn’t resonating. 

 

On 12/18/2022 at 7:49 PM, Kevin said:

Of course it’s because they are my parents and there is a lot of negative history. But why can’t I just let it go. None of that negativity is happening now. I feel so guilty and ashamed that I can’t just drop it and forgive them.

As none of that negativity is happening now, perspectives are happening. Emotion is felt accordingly. Different perspectives feel different as they’re met with different emotions, most feeling better than hate. 

 

Guilt would also be felt with respect to thoughts, suffering and what you want.

You don’t feel guilty or ashamed. You feel, or experience… the emotion of guilt… and then concept of shame.

The concept is “I feel so ashamed”. 

You don’t feel ashamed. You feel or experience emotion, with respect to that concept, of shame. 

 

The I that feels guilty is a concept, ‘the separate self’ of thought. The separate self is never present, and is always ‘in’ a past or future. 

The actual self is always present, or ever-present, and does not feel guilty, but does experience the emotion guilt, in so far as thoughts are experienced.

The ‘separate self’ of thought can’t forgive anyone, but not because anything is ‘it’s’ fault, but because it isn’t a self. It doesn’t exist. It’s thoughts about a (separate) self. 

 

On 12/18/2022 at 7:49 PM, Kevin said:

 

I was just with my mom and I was fighting back tears most of the time I was with her. All she was doing was having a normal conversation with me and asking me how my life is but I just wanted to run and get away. I have no idea why I wanted to cry but I didn’t want to cry in front of my mom. I’m so confused by it all and it’s honestly horrible. Also I feel so alone because I don’t think I can talk to my parents about this. I don’t think it will ever resolve. I’ve been like this since I was a kid. 

Love never fails. 

[Kevin]

5 hours ago, Phil said:

@Kevin

Direct experience wise… this works for all relationships.

 

yeah I was watching that last night. I didn’t do that but I did hang out with my mom today and it was much more comfortable than it was the time before. I wouldn’t say I was having an awesome time with my mom but it wasn’t bad or painful either.

 

5 hours ago, Phil said:

“I hate” is arguably the most discordant with the truth statement one could make. 

A different perspective…

Hate is an emotion you feel, not something you do, and not something that’s true about you. If it were it’d resonate perfectly. 

 

Yeah I think what was happening was holding onto that perspective and then blaming the discord on my mom.

5 hours ago, Phil said:

The emotion of hate is guidance with respect to perspective, suffering, and what you want. Maybe the answer to why they bother you so much is that they don’t. Maybe the emotion of hate isn’t resonating. 

 

Yeah I see that now a little bit.

 

5 hours ago, Phil said:

As none of that negativity is happening now, perspectives are happening. Emotion is felt accordingly. Different perspectives feel different as they’re met with different emotions, most feeling better than hate. 

 

Guilt would also be felt with respect to thoughts, suffering and what you want.

You don’t feel guilty or ashamed. You feel, or experience… the emotion of guilt… and then concept of shame.

The concept is “I feel so ashamed”. 

You don’t feel ashamed. You feel or experience emotion, with respect to that concept, of shame. 

 

The I that feels guilty is a concept, ‘the separate self’ of thought. The separate self is never present, and is always ‘in’ a past or future. 

The actual self is always present, or ever-present, and does not feel guilty, but does experience the emotion guilt, in so far as thoughts are experienced.

The ‘separate self’ of thought can’t forgive anyone, but not because anything is ‘it’s’ fault, but because it isn’t a self. It doesn’t exist. It’s thoughts about a (separate) self. 

 

Love never fails. 

Thanks man this all makes much more sense. Feels like a lot of unwinding of identity is happening. Overall lots of good stuff.

[Phil]

@Kevin

I hate you.