Toxic Positivity

[Loop]

What does this mean to you? I am curious about everyone’s responses. 
 

So, when I talk of toxic positivity I am not suggesting there is anything toxic within you or that there are toxic thoughts. Toxic positivity can be the result of believing the contents of thoughts about emotions, believing that there are negative/ positive emotions, and that there are others who experience emotions. You might think this person should be looking on the bright side, that will make them feel better. But that might be coming from a place of impatience, wanting to just go straight to happiness. It is a transformation, not a teleportation. The lasting happiness is found within the Joy of the Process. 
 

Emotions are the Guidance System, what you are feeling now might not feel great, but that is ok, feel where you are at with thoughts, understand what happening with them, the more you understand what is going on with the thought you are currently thinking the easier it will be to find a next step thought & better-feeling. Perspective purified, Pure I-less Seeing. 
 

[Lotus]

I think toxic positivity is also not meeting people where they're at. Not hearing them, nor giving them space for expression. I'm all in for sharing better feeling perspectives, but when someone's not ready to hear it in a given moment, then I think it's better to just let them freely express. Otherwise, it has a hint of "you should not be feeling like this, but you should think positively, like I do". Most of the time, when there's space for expression and emptying, the goodness naturally fills the room. Better feeling perspectives follow.

[Joseph Maynor]

I think toxic positivity is fake positivity, manipulative positivity.  We use this to appear likeable in relations but it can be a kind of persona.  Think of the person who is fake sweet to your face but stabs you behind your back.  We fake positivity to manipulate people to let their guard down with us.  Be careful with people like this.  No one is that positive.  A centered person is not always positive.  That's a persona.  And you'll see that if you interact with them long enough.  You'll see them employ this and then see how they act when they think no one is watching.  I've seen this so much working in law firms over the years.  It's best not to get lured in by fake positivity, and if someone is that positive a little red flag should go up in your mind to watch out for that person.  Everyone has a dark side and I do mean everyone.  Some people are worse than others regarding dark triad traits, obviously, and some people are sneakier than others about it too.  The crafty, shady salesman or scammer knows how to implement toxic positivity.

Edited December 3, 2022 by Joseph Maynor

[Phil]

 

[Loop]

On 12/2/2022 at 1:59 PM, Lotus said:

Most of the time, when there's space for expression and emptying, the goodness naturally fills the room. Better feeling perspectives follow.

Agreed, the best way to help someone heal is to listen without an agenda. 
 

On 12/2/2022 at 1:59 PM, Lotus said:

I'm all in for sharing better feeling perspectives, but when someone's not ready to hear it in a given moment, then I think it's better to just let them freely express.

How do you get a good feeling sense for when someone is ready to hear something or not?

It seems like being someone who has suffered a lot I like to hit people over the head with better perspectives, seems to be related to a kind of impatiences, frustration with years of chronic pain. Now I seem to be coming out of that, and there are subtle defence mechanisms being deconstructed that aren’t needed anymore. 
 

Hard for me to let go of this identity of being someone who has suffered a lot haha. 
 

[Loop]

On 12/2/2022 at 9:02 PM, Joseph Maynor said:

A centered person is not always positive. 

I used to live with a roommate who would constantly gaslight me for feeling a ‘negative’ emotion or having a misalignment in my body, always having to tell me about how I “Wasn’t enlightened if my spine or attitude was like that”. God dam that pissed me off so much, I never once in our entire friendship told him I was enlightened, I don’t know why he needed to go around at tell me I am not 😂 

 

My mom used to always tell me about how she didn’t like happy looking people, I really starting to understand why now. It was a defence against those snake like people who understand how to sink their ego into things with fluffy sounding nonsense. She experienced a lot of backstabbing in her family, most of them I don’t even know at all because she didn’t want me near any of them. 
 

Law firm environment must foster this kind of stuff a lot, do you still work in one? 
 

[Joseph Maynor]

4 hours ago, Loop said:

I used to live with a roommate who would constantly gaslight me for feeling a ‘negative’ emotion or having a misalignment in my body, always having to tell me about how I “Wasn’t enlightened if my spine or attitude was like that”. God dam that pissed me off so much, I never once in our entire friendship told him I was enlightened, I don’t know why he needed to go around at tell me I am not 😂 

 

My mom used to always tell me about how she didn’t like happy looking people, I really starting to understand why now. It was a defence against those snake like people who understand how to sink their ego into things with fluffy sounding nonsense. She experienced a lot of backstabbing in her family, most of them I don’t even know at all because she didn’t want me near any of them. 
 

Law firm environment must foster this kind of stuff a lot, do you still work in one? 
 

Spiritual gurus often sell happiness and peace because they appeal to people's egos to hook them in just like anyone else in sales appeals to people's egos to hook them in. But the reality is, nothing changes after you become spiritually enlightened. The only thing that changes is your perspective about what happens. So, you do have a deeper acceptance which prevents a lot of unconstructive emotions and thoughts from arising or lingering too long. But everything is still the same too. Your life has always been your life and always will be your life. The cycle, the chaos between positive and negative emotions will always be here for you and me. This idea that a spiritually enlightened person is happy and at peace all the time is a total myth and a kind of marketing ploy. The inner peace I'm talking about is when you're ok at a deep level no matter what emotions you feel or even what's happening. It's a groundedness that goes beyond ego but also makes space for ego too.  (Yes, I still do work in law offices but as an independent contractor now.  I might be going back to work in a law firm as an employee but still moonlight as a contractor.)

Edited December 4, 2022 by Joseph Maynor

[Loop]

23 minutes ago, Joseph Maynor said:

The inner peace I'm talking about is when you're ok at a deep level no matter what emotions you feel or even what's happening. It's a groundedness that goes beyond ego but also makes space for ego too.

I see what you are saying, completely agree with feeling peace no matter what emotion. I would say it is important to allow ego to be there if it is there, but if you inspect it, it falls apart completely as it is just an illusion, it doesn’t really need to be there. 
 

What does making space for ego mean to you? 
 

32 minutes ago, Joseph Maynor said:

Yes, I still do work in law offices

 

I’ve had to deal with a lot of injury lawyers, it really doesn’t feel good to get your pain and suffering questioned. Made me realize how bluntly I hit people over the head with better feeling perspectives, rather than just feeling the Moment. 
 

It is some dualistic thinking still there, looking at someone thinking if they feeling good or bad. It is all Good trusting emotional guidance, the whole spectrum of emotions. Fear is seen as good, anger is seen as good, not attached to, not seen as a problem. 

 

[Loop]

@Phil

 

No people, just Change. 
 

It seems the more I just express, trusting Feeling, ‘others’ go into their own alignment. 
 

[Phil]

@Loop

Funny, cool and amazing how that works isn’t it? 

[Loop]

@Phil

 

Terrifying 😂😂😂🤣🤣

 

[Loop]

We are all in this Wave together,

Alone it seems we must atone, 

Together we are,

Each Star,

Same Light,

Dims out all fright,

Shines with might, 

Even in endless midnight.

 

Never stuck or out of luck, 

Always a shimmer in the muck,

Darkness only appears, 

If there is one between those two ears,

Without a seer,

What is there to see?

Freedom to Be. 
 

[Lotus]

6 hours ago, Loop said:

How do you get a good feeling sense for when someone is ready to hear something or not?

 

By hearing them and letting them speak. Not interrupting before they're finished and listening. Being present.

 

6 hours ago, Loop said:

It seems like being someone who has suffered a lot I like to hit people over the head with better perspectives, seems to be related to a kind of impatiences, frustration with years of chronic pain. Now I seem to be coming out of that, and there are subtle defence mechanisms being deconstructed that aren’t needed anymore. 

Yes, I used to do that too. It was really immaturity on my part - that was when I began discovering spirituality, meditation and personal development. I couldn't stop talking about that stuff, so whenever someone I knew opened themselves, I flooded them with all the theory and "practical help steps". It came from good intention, but was still misguided. Instead of giving them the opportunity to empty, I filled 'em with even more stuff. 😂

[Loop]

1 hour ago, Lotus said:

Instead of giving them the opportunity to empty, I filled 'em with even more stuff. 😂

🍺 Here get more drunk on concepts 😂

 

1 hour ago, Lotus said:

Yes, I used to do that too. It was really immaturity on my part - that was when I began discovering spirituality, meditation and personal development. I couldn't stop talking about that stuff, so whenever someone I knew opened themselves, I flooded them with all the theory and "practical help steps". It came from good intention, but was still misguided.

Feel like it came from years of feeling lost, with good intentions of being found ☺️

Years of pain, with good intentions of finding alinement,
Years of racing to peace, with good intentions of actually finding it! 

Could I be at peace? If I never found anything I looked for? 
Did the search even ever start? 
Did a searcher ever come apart? 
Did Self ever come back together again? 
Or was it always there as the World’s best friend? 

I appreciate your post 🙏🏼

 

[Lotus]

@Loop

 

😊🙏🏼

[Finitude]

Question: 

 

How do we set boundaries in relationship?

[Loop]

31 minutes ago, Finitude said:

How do we set boundaries in relationship?

 

Directly, just letting someone know what you like and don’t like in a kind way, asking them what they like & don’t like. Stopping someone if they ‘cross the line’. Letting them know when you appreciate something they did. Listening for when someone is showing you what their boundaries are, respecting them, even if they cross yours, but not standing for it.

 

I feel like everyone has a different way of going about it really. It can be a really intuitive thing too, where a lot of it just body language.

How do you feel about it? 
 

[Finitude]

@Loop

 

I think you summed it up nicely. Thank you. 

 

 

[Joseph Maynor]

On 12/6/2022 at 3:54 PM, Finitude said:

Question: 

 

How do we set boundaries in relationship?

Draw a line in the sand and enforce it.  Keep reminding them of that boundary.  Realize it's going to take a while to re-train them with a new habit.  If you don't like something let them know it.  If they make you feel bad or drain your energy by talking about something, let them know it bothers you and that you don't want to hear about it.  You need a balance of confidence and love to make sure they don't take it personally.  You have a right to protect your peace of mind.

[arjuna]

I think toxic positivity is just the compulsive need to "put a positive" spin on everything, not being able to accept or acknowledge that any type of emotional response other than "positivity" is ever appropriate.  I think its more toxic to the person who has it than to those around them, they are poisoning themselves, basically just annoying to everyone else.