Celestial

@WhiteOwl Really appreciate the tips. 🤍

Think I sort of faked going through the scale, didn't earnestly feel each emotion and made everything up

Feeling discouraged with all of the spiritual bullshit I've accumulated, not sure exactly how to proceed with the path. Sometimes I'm not even sure what I want to do with my life in general. I sometimes feel full-on enthusiasm for spirituality and it feels great and I can wake up the next day and feel shitty. Why does society have to be so toxic, why can't everyone just stop focusing on money. I feel like I've been caught in the trap of society. Wanting money because everyone else says it's so important. Can't really have a successful life without money, spend years working just so you can live, when most of the day is spent at work. Working for a massive corporation that profits billions every year while earning minimum wage. I worry about my family and about the future. I experience worry about social interactions. I experience doubt about spiritual practice and if freedom from suffering is possible for me. I'm not sure exactly what path is the best. So many teachers and teachings. I completely doubt certain things that I once had full confidence in. I'm not sure how the meditation retreat will go. Im disappointed in myself for constantly being so self centred and selfish. Also why is society so destructive to the earth. Humans raping the earth, the seas. There's so many different paths to take in life how the fuck are you supposed to know. I experience overwhelm with the magnitude of different teachers, teachings. Some teaching that i trusted like actualized that I don't listen to at all anymore. How do people make the decision to become monks and to just leave society, couldn't imagine doing that long term. Why can't I just experience peace for once. True peace that feels like home. Why do I have to work my ass off every week and stay in the same cycles of coming home and distracting myself on my tablet. Why does everything have to be designed to steal our attention for profit. Social media is a fucking joke and makes people miserable. Facebook is literally designed like a funking slot machine to spike dopamine. How the fuck is gambling legal if the government cares so much about the populations well being. Cigarettes and alcohol are legal and fully accepted my society while carrying the dangers that they do, while mind expanding substances like psilocybin and lsd are demonised by almost every average Joe. Completely fucking backwards. Why can't psychedelics be societies "drug of choice". Surely society would be a better place if no one drank alcohol. I want to experience peace why can't I. Why do I have to meditate, express etc to feel peace. Why is unhappiness the default on earth. How broken must society be that its a common occurrence that there are young people shooting up schools. Imagine the state of fucking mind you have to be in to decide to shoot up a school for fucks sake. Im struggling to find thoughts to express pessimism. Im bored with the merry go round of suffering. Feeling good sometimes and feeling shit at other times. Im content where i am now. Theres nothing i can change about anything so the only thing to do is to be where I am and to be with the moment. This moment doesn't have any problems except the problems I create. There is contentness right now. Writing these words is contentness. Content with my sore legs after my first run in a long time yesterday. I'm on the right path and there is hope for humanity. The younger people are the more they are finding that the current way that society is, wont be sustainable in the future. There is massive amounts of hope for the future generations, innovation and increased empathy and care for the other animals of earth. Im hopeful that love will be the main experience on earth. Im eager for the experiences that im in store for. Im eager to experience another retreat even if it is filled with suffering i need to work through. Society will grow and more people will realise that love is the way forward, not separation and greed. Im experiencing hopefulness but it doesn't matter what for. I am so eager to FEEL and to take the journey to peace. I am enthusiastic about the solidifying of my views on life. Whatever will happen i am eager and extremely interested with what will happen after this life on earth. Imagine the different cultures and societies on other planets. Im passionate about life, fitness and health. I experiencing passion for the upcoming retreat. Im passionate about being myself and truly being who I am without compromise. I love this experience and the opportunity to be at this place and at this time. So many exciting things going on. So many different possibilities. Endless possibilities. I love the people in my life. I love the suffering. I really love music. I love being able to write this stuff.

@WhiteOwl Appreciate your input. ❤ I was just writing some thoughts but I'm also wanting to start using the scale alongside journalling. If you were expressing discouragement, how do you know when you're ready to express the next emotion? Or is it not necessary to be fully empty of discouragement before moving up the scale?

I think I'm waiting for some sort of massive event that I think will provide everlasting peace and true satisfaction. This means im overlooking THIS CURRENT present experience constantly. It always feels like ill be more peaceful, enlightened, in the future. I'm not sure if this is how everyone first thinks when they get into spirituality. Sometimes the amount of practices and tools etc overwhelm me and I just end up doing nothing and distracting myself by watching YouTube all day after work. I'm wanting to meet new people and try new things because sometimes I feel like my friendships are stale yet I also would feel bad just leaving my friends because they might view it as me not wanting to be friends anymore. I haven't even given the emotional scale a go properly and I've known about it for a while, yet I constantly seek to eradicate my suffering. Its like I'm waiting for some sort of grace to just nuke my suffering from existence. Im going on another 10 day retreat in august and part of me is thinking that I'll have some sort of breakthrough experience there and it'll change my life. Every time I journal I recognise how it feels to express my thoughts rather than to let them fester all day and to hold onto that yucky feeling in the body. Although sometimes when I journal I doubt myself and am not sure what I'm journalling about it actually what I really want to say. Part of me wants some sort of guidance about this whole thing but I struggle to articulate exactly what's going on with my life and my desires and my struggles.

Really peaceful https://open.spotify.com/album/4yfV7rBQ4zDMOV5cOh9PBd?si=k5ODsMvrTwWj7CNzQ3CaIg&utm_source=copy-link

Just did some tre, feels good after, body feels better holding onto less in a way. Also decided to play this while letting the body tremor, it felt like it harmonised nicely but I'm still not getting that real peace im looking for. Been struggling to meditate recently and distracting myself, didn't go out with my friends yesterday because it was easier to just stay at home but I also feel like I enjoy time with just me. Think I'll start journalling more as it's just another thing I've been putting off and I'm tired of not experiencing true peace

Got home from work, went onto the xbox. Didn't even really enjoy it much tbh, avoiding feeling if anything.

I'm not too sure what you're getting at.

@Phil 🙏 @Blessed2 Great post, will give it a shot. Thanks.

That's a lot simpler than trying to nail down a specific thought, thank you.

I'm beginning to see this more clearly. Yeah it's no good, I think I'm just judging myself in those situations and feeling the offness. For example: If someone were to badly cut me off in traffic, judgement and assumptions about that driver arise. It feels automatic. How would I not feed that wolf if it feels out of my control. I could be being stubborn here but I'm curious. I hear ya.

Like what if I'm feeling off but I'm not sure what the discordant thought is that is related to the off feeling. If that makes sense.

Expectation feels like shit while curiosity and willingness to experience feels aligned.

I haven't seen through the illusion of time yet. But I agree that the recognition can only be accomplished now. It is silly but that's where I'm at. Honestly, sometimes I'm not sure what the discordant thought even is.

I do think that if I completely accepted myself that there wouldn't be any problems. I guess but there'd be less beating myself up over it.

It's almost like I also don't really know how I would be if I were truly being myself. Because it seems like all of my actions are in part to 'fit into society', 'be liked', 'avoid uncomfortable situations', 'maintain relationships and friendships', 'not look like a fool', 'find peace' etc. It feels a lot easier to accept and love peacefulness compared to intense embarrassment. I could be doing a lot more 'work on myself' I admit. I distract and avoid feeling a lot. I find that I get the most socially anxious and feel the most angst when I talk about myself or when people ask me questions about me. Something like a job interview for example.

Yeah I do find myself constantly trying to "figure it out" and it feels horrible. Trying to figure out my self created problems. Yeah I think I need to allow my inner child. I used to really enjoy just watching ants while I was on LSD a few years ago. So simple yet interesting.

I feel you. Sometimes I just wish I could go back and be a kid again, so free.

I feel like I get what you're saying but for me, all of this flies out the window once I start feeling insecure socially. Literally walking past people on a forest walk causes feeling of insecurity and embarrassment. I know it's because of my interpretations but it doesn't help in that moment. Idk if that's makes sense. But it seems like judgement spontaneously arises, how would I stop employing it. How do I stop feeding the wolf? I'm honestly not sure. There would be no reason at all. But it doesn't feel apparent. I really don't know. I'm not sure how to answer but I would guess that I'm not allowing a whole lot. Never.

I find that I'm able to be in silence with people who I'm comfortable with, or when I don't worry about how I think people view me. When I'm around people who I'm not as comfortable with, the silence can be 'triggering'. I feel like I'm a fair way away from being able to do this. Probably because I'm scared to show how I'm actually feeling. I've told two of my friends before a few years ago that I thought I had social anxiety and they kinda laughed it off and didn't take it seriously at all. This was over PS4 while we were playing video games. I lost the ability to speak and reason after the way they reacted. (I think it was some sort of panic attack not too sure). I'm not blaming them but I just felt like sharing that. This is something that I would be extremely averse to. But I can also imagine that being a beautiful experience. Hmmm interesting. Thank you for sharing it makes me think I need to get out there and do something similar.

I don't actually know if I care about truth but I just want to feel at peace with EVERYTHING. I want to feel at peace with myself mostly, I think if I Self-Love completely then everything will take care. I want to experience DEEP compassion for everything. I want to experience grounded peace. I want to experience home. True home, where my heart yearns. I want to love everyone. I want to cry my heart out. I want to stop assuming. I want to stop judging. I want compassion to replace judgement. I want sadness to replace anger. I want to cry more, and love more. I want to express more. I want to experience a taste of the source of love. I want to feel everything.

Wish I could have someone to express to because when I express to myself it kind of feels like an echo chamber. Like I'm wanting new perspectives to arise but its like I'm fu**ing stuck.

Feels like the more I become aware of my own suffering the worse it gets. I'm getting distracted too easily and I notice this yet I still distract myself. Obviously I'm at where I'm at so I've just got to enjoy the suffering. I'm feeling extremely inauthentic with life. Not sure how I feel about friendship. Sometimes it's easier to just stick to myself when I'm feeling off. Not sure what I want out of life besides true peace. I want to feel completely "home".