ivankiss

@Phil Right now nowhere 😄 because there is no partner around. But I'm pretty sure the fear would arise again in a new relationship.

@Mandy Hm... I don't know... What I do know, is that my intentions were pure and honest, my heart was open and loving, and I don't think I deserved what happened. I could not see it coming. It was unimaginable. Felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I literally couldn't believe it. And I guess I'm just trying to protect myself from ever experiencing such pain again.

@Mandy Kinda... Once or twice in my teens. But that cannot even begin to be compared to the betrayal that I experienced in my mid twenties. If it's karma, it's going a bit too hard on me haha!

Ok. Let's clarify once again what it is that I desire. Where all of this is heading and why I'm doing what I'm doing. I want to travel full time. Anywhere and any time. I want to work for myself and have a steady income online, but I am also willing to have a day job until that happens. I want to meet and bond with lots of cool and interesting people and create beautiful, memorable memories. I want to 'conquer the world' with my music. I want to use all those travelling experiences as fuel for my creativity. As the very substance out of which art is created. I want to collaborate with all kinds of musicians that I meet on my journey. I want to be in love. Romantically and in every other way. I just want to love. Meeting a partner who would have similar interests and could join me on my journey would be the cherry on the top of the cake. I might add a thing or two, but that's pretty much it. That's the vision for my life. It is what I desire the most. I have a plan how to get there/attract it here. Several plans, actually. But I still don't know exactly how it's going to play out. But happen it will. One way or the other.

In my most recent relationship this became very obvious to me. I have a deep fear of being betrayed and/or cheated on by my partner. I had some experience with that in my past, and it could be said that's the reason why I feel that way... but I think it goes deeper than that. I don't want this to be in my way in future relationships. Besides it feeling awful, I also tend to show some possessive and obsessive traits towards my partner. And that's not good either. It's all coming from this deeply rooted fear. A belief, perhaps. It's not quite clear to me why this is, but I think it has to do something with being abandoned and neglected in my childhood. Anyone sees/knows something I don't? How do I go about healing/overcoming this?

@Devin That actually makes a lot of sense. Thanks. It is, yes. But it also kinda hurts due to the 'sacrifice' it requires. By focusing on one specific vision, I'm blocking out all these other things that I like and enjoy too. 'From potentially anything to a defined something'. - that's how I see it. My journal was kinda my dreamboard so far. I put all my ideas there and then change and add to them along the way. But I think getting an actual board could not hurt. I might just do that. Seems a bit cleaner and more in my face haha. Being fully present in the moment and actually doing it/creating is one thing. Thinking about how it's all going to play out and what I'm supposed to do is what seems like I'm trying to control too much. It's happening in thinking. That's a nice little twist. Thanks. It is, yes. And I do enjoy even that part. I guess I'm just afraid of taking the wrong steps and I also fear missing out on things. I'm doubting the ways I choose. I'm doing it all alone and even in spite of some things. I wonder if I'm being foolish, arrogant and too stubborn... blind? I struggle to fully trust myself.

I have a plan for the next six months of my life. Simple and straightforward. Kinda strict and limited too. I also have a more loose plan from then on. I wonder, am I missing out on even better opportunities by trying to plan my way to what I desire to attain? Is there perhaps a faster, smoother and more exciting way in completely letting go and letting life take you where it wants to take you? Am I trying to control things too much? I am aware of the sacrifice I'm making by sticking to this plan. And I'm aware that it's probably going to be quite a bit uncomfortable. But I am willing to go for it for the sake of accelerating my progress and growth, and seeing the results I want to see. On the other hand though, some of the most memorable experiences I've ever had were spontaneous and unforeseen. I could not plan out all that magic. It simply happened on its own. Flawlessly and effortlessly. To plan or not to plan? That is the question.

Walking our own road Each step, each breath We are fighting for our lives And we are losing every one The things we gave up for a dream we are still waiting for We were so young then Firelight holds their peace Sing farewell by smoke in the cold We farewell the old As they fall to silence Fall Into silence As they fall to silence To silence

@Faith That's crazy... and beautiful. Thanks for sharing. Happy for you and your husband. Seems like a one in a million type of deal. Idk... I already kinda decided by leaving. It's just that now that I'm away, I'm doubting that decision. I think I just need to whine a bit... It was by far the most exciting and fun and beautiful experience that I had in a while. It was a very high peak... and it seems like I'm entering another valley now. Everything pales in comparison. I still don't think we're that good of a match for a long term relationship. There are things that would bother me quite a bit, when it comes to her lifestyle and views on stuff... But when it was just me and her in a room, making love, talking, etc... it was absolutely heavenly. I can hardly imagine it getting any better. So yeah, I'm obviously experiencing conflicting thoughts and emotions. I'm kinda confused and hurting... I fell in love with her, but I think we're not good for each-other overall. It's super hard to let go though.

@Faith ❤ I miss her... Can't stop thinking about us... I know the fire is slowly dying, and I don't know if I like that.

This chapter is officially done. Off to Maribor to say hi to some people, and then I'll see from there. What a ride...

One of those nights... I want a bike like this haha!

Hahaha! This is why I absolutely adore this guy. Such a good friend. He always knows what's up.

Needless to say, I am on the verge of crying, all the time. It's just too damn beautiful. This adventure that we had, this chapter, this whole journey... Everything. It's just so fucking beautiful. It cannot possibly be put into words. All the beauty that I see and feel... all these dots connecting flawlessly... it's truly divine. It feels like we spent a lifetime together. So many lessons. So much love and wisdom. So much to cherish. She is such a beautiful being. I truly wish her only the best on her journey. And who knows... maybe our paths will indeed cross once again, somewhere down the line. May she recieve everything her heart desires.

It's all about love. Love is the highest understanding. Love is the purest truth. Love is the language we all speak. As above so bellow. I am that love. Thank you for reminding me of that, O. Forever grateful.

@Faith ❤ Thank you for your support guys. Means a lot.

I went super cheesy and left this gift on her pillow. It's her birthday in a few days. I want her to have something to remember me... I got the other half.

And that's it... we just parted ways. It was absolutely heartbreaking and absolutely beautiful. Tears were shed. So long, my love.

Spiraling nights in the void Weathered coat and a dagger If I dream back my youth I can still hear you sing A voice that will die on a mountain And I fear that I've stayed here just a little too long I had to go where you couldn't follow In my weariness I still hear you singing in my mind All the fortunes they took away The shifting earth beneath us Nothing to observe The clouds at our feet Nothing to observe The sun was made a jewel Nothing to observe When at night it did sleep Nothing to observe Cast in a trench of fire I can see the sky is a ceiling And when my heart dies down I am long gone on the fields of summer's green Away from fall and famine In my weariness I still hear you singing in my mind All the fortunes they took away The shifting earth beneath us Nothing to observe The clouds at our feet Nothing to observe The sun was made a jewel Nothing to observe When at night it did sleep I am in every season the one you have always known Life did not reward you So find your way to the river and let go The shifting earth beneath us Nothing to observe The clouds at our feet Nothing to observe The sun was made a jewel Nothing to observe When at night it did sleep Nothing to observe

@Faith Yeah, that's kinda how I see it too.

@Faith Thank you. Love is real, and conditioning is why we can't be together. That's what I extracted. It seems relevant. Sits right. I guess I'm just exercising my letting go muscles.

@Phil Scary 😄

@Mandy That's beautiful. It hit deep. Thank you for reminding me. I'll keep it in mind. Much love and respect.

@Mandy I don't usually walk away from relationships. When I truly love, I'm the kinda guy that stays too long. Way past the relationship's expiration date. That's why I know that I have to do things differently this time around. Only by walking away from this can I complete the healing process. Only this way can I overcome the pain caused by my previous relationship, that left me completely devastated. If I stay, I will repeat history, inevitably. I'm just not ready. I haven't put myself back together since then. I need some more time alone to do that. I love this girl and this truly is beautiful. I know this is something else. It's so much more than just casual fun and sex. I cannot even put it into words, really. It's just something I can intuit. I'm not against casual hook ups, either. I think those experiences can be very memorable and beautiful too. But what I truly want is that one and only, true love. Definitely. Could this be it? I don't know. Maybe... I cannot help myself but be curious about where this could go. But this knowing within... it's stronger... and it's telling me that I must go. No matter how painful it is. I understand what you're pointing towards with 'focus'. And I agree. But I also feel like sometimes it's good to just sit with the pain for a while and let it transform you from the inside out. Instead of distracting yourself with a new sight. Idk... I tend to romanticize and dramatize things. This could be one of those.

@Phil @Faith @Mandy Please tell me how separation is not real and I'm not actually losing anything. It's so beautiful and it hurts so much.