ivankiss

And that's it. The track is done. If everything goes right I should be releasing it tomorrow or the day after that. I really want to release it before new year's eve. I want this song to stay in this 'old year' and then start fresh 'next year'. It's symbolic. It makes sense that way. I'm very happy with it. But I'm also kinda tired of it already. Listened to it way too many times haha! Eager to start working on a new track. I'm back in the game! Finally! Feels like I slept for centuries. Still unable to truly comprehend that this is really happening. I made it!

Intense few days behind me. Had our first 'serious fight' with Olja. It wasn't nice. The issue was about her hanging out with all those guy 'friends' who want to get into her pants. Partying, drinking, etc. She loves all that attention, loves to flirt, but supposedly wants only me. I don't trust her fully. I'm really not ok with all this. I was ready to end it all, but somehow we turned things around. She pretty much begged me. We didn't really solve anything, but we agreed to focus on having a good time during Christmas. And it was beautiful. We spent two more days at my place, barely leaving the bed. Took some MDMA last night. It was magical. There is something insanely magnetic here. Sexual energy is ridiculously strong. Making love to her is just incredible. But I am really worried about all this other stuff. I doubt I can get over all that. She's just not the kind of a person I could take too seriously and plan a future with. At least that's how I feel for now. Maybe that changes, maybe she changes or moderates things... I don't know. I'm willing to stick around just a bit longer and see where this is going, I guess. It's painful at times, but I guess the good still outweighs the bad. And yeah, I'm definitely hooked to that sex. Cannot deny that. I'm aware that I'm kinda playing with fire here. I hope I won't burn myself too much.

Alright. I'm deep in this new chapter of mine. I think it's time to start writing about everything again. It is super exciting, to say the least. I got a great job a solid month ago. I really could not ask for more. I can hardly imagine landing anything better in this field. My boss is super nice, friendly and kind. The money is good. Work is quite chill. Everything is well organized. I'm happy with it all. My goal is to keep working here till October and save up to 10K. Then I would maybe take out a mortgage of another 20K and use some of that money for moving expenses and other investments that I have in mind. The rest I would put into a savings account. Somewhere else it might not be big money, but where I currently am, it's a very decent amount. It's the equivalent of having up to 100K in America or Australia, for example. The general idea and vision is still the same. I want to move to Amsterdam next fall and build a life from scratch there. Things are looking great with music so far. I pretty much finished the first track. Took me solid two months to write and record everything. It was a very big step. I came up with a completely new style and sound. It was challenging, but I feel like I really accomplished what I had in mind. I love how it sounds. I feel like this style mirrors me and where I currently am very well. Doing some final polishing these days and then I am finally releasing the track. Super excited about it. Still seeing Olja. Things are... bitter sweet. There are challenges, there are things I struggle to digest... mainly when it comes to her party girl and overly flirtatious side. Her 'dark past' too. Quite a few things are still unresolved and unhealed. Haunting her. But the love is there, definitely. I cannot deny that. We are spending a lot of time together, and more often than not it's quite magical. Things are kinda starting to get serious. And that's both scary and exciting. Just last night she brought up the matter of her joining me on my path and moving to Amsterdam with me. She wants to be a part of my future goals, she says. She wants to plan a life together, etc. I still have to reconsider all this. It's quite fresh. I cannot unsee those red flags that she's waving at me... but supposedly she's willing to work on that stuff and really wants to commit. So yeah... we'll see how that goes. Trying not to get too attached and lost in this. All in all, things are looking freaking great. There are challenges, ups and downs, but I am definitely on track. I'm actually doing it. I'm pulling it off. Just have to continue doing what I'm already doing, no matter what. F yes!

You will never rest Until the stars burn out My day is done I love the sound of no one coming by Tomb beneath the trees The name unsung The darkness in the cracks I am not what you have waited for Trust Nothing is enough This hunting ground I need the freedom to control my own I need the sound of rain Wearing dependence down The line must be kept so thin To live near life Not within No need to take the test Before the dark must shine Reflect my eyes And strip this creation of mine Tomorrow is so long The dead end king is here Black wings upon his back

@Serenity That was beautifully written, thank you. Brought tears to my eyes last night when I read it, but again, I did not allow myself to go "all the way". Today I felt a lot again. It was quite intense. I don't know why I fear so much to let this out. It's like I'm hitting a brick wall. It feels so big. I'm afraid where it could take me. I resonate a lot with what you said. I know I'm not the only one going through this. We all have our reasons, but feelings are the same. I'm not arrogant all the time... far from it. But lately I've been noticing those tendencies showing up frequently. I feel so behind... Like I did not do enough. Like I'm not enough. I know it's ultimately not true, but it's just how I feel. Perhaps knowing that is precisely what's preventing me from fully experiencing this and releasing it. Even if it's not absolutely true, it's true to me when I feel it. I should not explain it away or bypass it. Yes, all is one and all is well, and yes I can also sometimes feel like crap. Oneness is not less One if I'm feeling hollow and broken. Much love and respect to you.

@Serenity Thank you. That makes sense. I noticed a lot of pride, cockiness, arrogance and grandiosity in me. I'm trying to hover above things and act as it's all beneath me... Like I'm bigger and stronger than I actually am. Like I'm more than I actually am. When in fact, I feel so small and worthless inside. Yes, God is infinite and almighty, but I don't think that's where I'm at now... What I need is humility. I want to be humbled and stripped of all these delusions of grandeur, but I am also scared to death of it. "Look at me now, I'm a man who won't let himself be..."

I don't even know why, really... Maybe because of everything that transpired , maybe for no reason at all... There's just this weight on my heart that I really want to release. But for some reason, I'm afraid to do so. Best I got these days was a few tears. Some gentle weeping. I quickly stopped myself and "sucked it up." I don't know why. I was afraid of letting it completely take over. I feel like I need to truly cry my heart out. For quite some time. To just let it all come out. Without holding back. Sad music could do the trick and trigger stuff in me. But again, I think there's something else here. It's like I'm avoiding it, distracting myself and numbing it all down, while simultaneously craving that release. I caught myself judging it as something stupid, weak, unreasonable and unnecessary... And I know that's all bs. Crying is good and healthy. What do I do?

There must be a way to communicate these kinds of things without sounding like a complete lunatic. Seeing what Leo's doing makes me feel ashamed to ever say out loud that I am a member of the community. And to be honest, I'm not sure about other spiritual circles, either. There just seems to be so much bullshit involved. Consciousness is simple. Why do we make things seem so freakin' out there and crazy?

A nice little walk today. The sun was just glorious. Loving these autumn vibes. Loving this place. It's really magical. It's just that it's sometimes hard to notice the true beauty of it. Thoughts are still quite loud and persistent. Veiling my perception. But I'm stabilizing here, slowly. It feels more and more like home. More and more right. Clarity is starting to shine through. I'm deep in making music now. Things are flowing pretty effortlessly. Not too fast, not too slow. It's just the right tempo, I'd say. Soon I will release my first song after this long ass break. I am very excited about that. Have no idea how I will reconnect with an audience and build a fanbase again, after all this time... Especially because I have a new style now... But what matters the most is that I'm creating. I'll figure the rest out as I go. I'll find a way to promote my music and really put it out there. I'm still seeing Olya. She spent another full week at my place. Left yesterday. She loves being here, it's obvious. Not only because we enjoy each-other's company, but also because she's able to do much more work while being here. In the city she gets constantly distracted and she's just not as motivated. Here she has a cozy, peaceful and loving environment, which is a perfect setting to do stuff. I was making music while she was teaching English, studying for her classes, working on her assignments, etc. We are very good at sharing space together. Being alone together, if you will. And that means a lot to me. Obviously, we were having tons of fun together. Cooking for each-other all kinds of delicious food, having crazy good sex, hiking, talking, gazing at stars, etc. It was beautiful. We're in love, there's no doubt about that. But we both still have quite a few walls surrounding us. We both have various defense mechanism. We are maintaining some distance between us, still. Clearly we both struggle to trust each-other, due to our past experiences in relationships. It only makes sense. I still don't know where this thing of ours is going. It might end tomorrow or it might last for a very long time. Taking it slowly. One day at a time. Will see what happens. My number one priority is getting things going with music now. I feel so much more alive because of it. And I barely just began. I cannot wait to be fully back in it. My plan is to get a job here one of these days and then sink into a nice little groove. A nice little routine. By the end of the winter I should be reaching completely new levels. I'll save up nice money, build a nice momentum with music and become more physically fit. From then on, pretty much the entire world will be open for me. I'll be able to choose to go anywhere, If that's what I'll truly want. I don't want to project myself to much into the future, but I feel like I must just a little, in order to motivate myself and have a clearer picture un front of me. I need a reason why I'm doing what I'm doing. All in all, I'm doing good. Moments of heartache and confusion here and there, but it's not too bad. Far from it. I'm not peaking just yet, but I'm definitely getting things moving in a desired direction. All is well.

Been there, and it's all cool, but I found that it wasn't actually true. It felt good for a while because it lifted the pressure off of me, that I was imposing by trying to reach this perfect, healed, balanced and enlightened version of myself. I was trying to be one way all the time. Eliminate all else that is not peace, love and light. It didn't work, of course. I became super tense and afraid of "loosing it". Spiralling back down into all that "nastiness". It was but a polar response to what I was doing previously. Swinging from one side to another. So I would say, yes, accept your shadowy stuff. Bathe in it and "enjoy it" if you feel like that's what's needed. But do not choose one side over the other. It's not up and it's not down. It's right here. Whatever it is. Try to include and integrate "the mess" within you. Make something out of it. Create something. See how it's all here to assist you in your greatest evolution. Love it, hate it, do whatever is true to you in that moment. Just be as you are. Light will shine through.

Great stuff. Thanks guys. To me, it's like a pull in certain direction. I cannot really explain it. It just seems like the right way to go, for no real reason. It's both certain and uncertain at the same time. Often it's disguised as something risky. It comes without a safety net. The step it's calling me to make might as well be seen as a foolish mistakes, looking through a rational or logical lens. But the knowing within is stronger. It's beyond logic and rationality. It's like a whisper "from beyond".

I'm interested in you thoughts and views on this. Please do share.

Haha! Yep. My wish was granted, definitely 😄 Didn't even take that long. Infinite thanks!

@Faith @Loop Thanks! ❤️

Update? Yes sir. I moved into an apartment, 50km or so away from the coast. I'm surrounded by forest. In the morning I hear the birds chirping. It's nice to be away from the hustle and bustle of the city. It's peaceful and quite here. Maybe even a bit too quite. It was a bit of a shock at first. Still, I feel like this is exactly what I need now. Some time and space away from all the noise and distractions. I have everything I need. A beautiful, cosy little apartment, that I'm paying little to nothing for. All the music equipment that I need to create. No one is bothering me here. No one is in my way. No one, but me. By eliminating all these "obstacles", the Universe is making it more and more obvious that I am the only one in my way. Nothing is ever holding me back but me. And even though that was kinda, sorta obvious to me all along, now there's just no way around staring it directly into its face. Staring into the mirror. The first three nights were quite uncomfortable. I was oscillating between being super grateful for all these blessings and feeling super down, trapped and alone. Obviously, the recent events with a newfound love have affected me quite a bit. I could not find a way out of those thought loops. I kept sinking back into them and trying to reach some sort of a conclusion. Make sense of it all. Emotionally speaking, I experienced heaven and hell in this apartment already, and its only been a few days. The only time I was able to completely let go of it all and be grounded in genuine joy and love was while I was creating. Trying to distil all these thoughts and emotions and channel them into a piece of music. I cannot say I have succeeded just yet, but I got things going. I started building a momentum. It's hard, I cannot lie. I feel so distant. It's like it all happened several lifetimes away. When I used to be in flow in create with ease. When I used to care about nothing but music. When there were only melodies and rhythms in my mind. It's all here still, but I have to become friends with it again and earn its trust, in a sense. I turned my back on that part of me, and it has not forgotten. It knows its all that I truly desire and its challenging me. It might sound funny or make no sense, but I can intuit exactly what's going on. I am reuniting with an aspect of me that I denied and neglected in pursuit of other things. Things that all ended up turning to sand. Only this love remained. I might stay here over winter. I'm not 100% sure just yet. I just got my car back. There's still an option of selling it and moving some place else, but I don't really think that's a smart choice. Why would I leave what I have here behind? If I stay, I could save up some real nice money during winter time I then embark on a journey on spring. That makes much more sense. What about her though? Well... She's here. We spent some time together and somehow she came up with the idea to spend a week at my place. I guess she craved some peace and quite away from everything too. It only makes sense. Of course I was for it, immediately. Even though I was a little bit shocked. We arrived today. She's slowly making herself feel at home, I guess. At the moment, while I'm typing these words, listening to Corpo Mente's self titled album, she's sitting on the couch and teaching English. It's kinda surreal. Just a few nights ago I thought this would never happen. I don't really expect anything and I don't know where this is leading. The general idea is to do our own things while sharing space. Then spend our free time spoiling each other with massages, cooking for each other, making love, hiking, talking, etc. Sounds nice. We'll see how it goes. That's what's going on now. Everything is still kinda uncertain, but I have a good feeling about things. I'm scared, curious and excited, all at once.

Exactly! So many things happen in music that can be directly linked to "real life". At leas I'm seeing it that way. Sounds great. What instrument do you play? I'm fascinated by sound design and I played around with it in the past, but its far from being my strength. I have some basic mixing and mastering skills, but even that has plenty of room for improvement left. Designing a sound from scratch though is another thing. I had a short little run in electronic music, mainly dnb and dubstep, and I tried to create my own sounds.... It was ok I guess, but far from being at a "pro level". It's a whole new world.

So, Ivan is a solo 😄 That's very cool. I feel like something's not quite there yet...it could be better. But thanks!

@WhiteOwl Much love and respect to you.

@Loop Interesting, thanks. I thought of it as 'channeling' before too. It really feels like that. I love how it's like you're carving a path, in the middle of nowhere, trying to arrive home. It's so satisfying when you land on a tasty note. I was always focused on writing music. Since I can remember. I learned a few songs by my favorite bands too, but that was never really my main focus. It was always about creating something original. I always had everything written down, black on white, note for note. Rarely did I ever improvise a solo over my music. It was always 'predetermined'. And now I'm kinda starting to see the limitation of that. Would love to improve in this area.

What is improvisation? Where does it come from and why is it so tricky? 😁 It's like surfing, I imagine. You can be thrown off at any moment. It's very much about balance. Intuition, also. I suck at improv quite a bit. I was never really focused on it before. Today I decided to try and improve my skills a little bit. Here's how it went: 20221016_143654_1.mp4

Your highest desires are not manifesting not because your law of attraction skills are broken, but because you have not become who you need to be in order to handle what you want with grace, maturity and balance.

@Phil Sounds tempting, and I think that's what I'm already heading towards, but I'm going to try and find my own way.

Heed not my hundred reasons at midnight I belong here

And what is that? Made me curious. Is it that there is no me, no her and it's all just God imagining stuff? That there are no two and it's all One? I want it, but I'm also terrified. 'Just let go' sounds so easy. But it seems I'm not the one letting go of anything. I'm the one being let go of. It's letting go of me.

Cross over and turn Feel the spot don't let it burn We all want we all yearn Be soft don't be stern Lullaby Was not supposed to make you cry I sang the words I meant I sang