Annie

I'm trying to think in terms of if he is reading this, which he probably might one day - that a comment like that would do more good, it wasn't meant to enable his actions, but to maybe incite self reflection. I was trying to think what works for me, when I am stuck with an undesirable behaviour and how people communicate with me - when they come from a place of neutrality and offer suggestions I feel more willing to take them on than if people attempt to force a view onto me, even if it is the right one, admitting that can sometimes be hard. But maybe that is enabling, I'm not sure. I come from that kind of family dynamic, I suppose it's written into me to some extent in how I communicate but it isn't to try to gloss over things - if it was I would have stayed there. Or maybe I wouldn't, I don't know.

I get you. I'm super sensitive at all times and am constantly trying to monitor my internal state so that I am calm, relaxed and introspective. This makes me more drawn inwards, and this more self absorbed; I also seek approval to know if I am doing well in a social situation. If people approve, then I'm doing the right thing, if they don't, then I can make adjustments. I don't know if it is normal; results in a lot of "I's" and getting stuck in thoughts, but those thoughts seem to have a cure in the poison; I'm finding a way out of them. I think what is so disconcerting is that if I don't feel energetically connected to a person when out and about then I feel "alone" and "dead" and it is a weirdly psychotic kind of a feeling. With it comes all sorts of magical thinking - sometimes true and often not true - and also I am an animist and can see that everything is alive around me - and I worry about judgement from that quite passive matter - and then... being in my mind stops all of that; it 'is' a self-absorbtion - a still psychotic, but less psychotic feeling than reality, which is just this naked, pure, moldable thing - I try so hard to ignore it; and it's signs; for a sense of normalcy that being around people can offer. So I seek approval to make sure that I am on the right track. It feels like navigating blind in some aspects - I can't understand empathy at times, or human emotions/reactions much less my own. I'm self absorbed because I absorb everything around me, like a black hole. I'm sensitive to everything and have to take care. It's such a pain, I wish I was more resilient, less self absorbed and had a complete sense of self like most people do. The thoughts help. Like this... writing all this out, I didn't even know it was in me until I was able to put it onto the screen - and now I know and can move on with it. But if I was just in the Now all the time, or focusing on other things, how would I be able to go into myself to know myself in order to do the mentioned things? So it's like a necessary self-absorbtion. Not a stereotypical one where the person is just... focusing on themselves shallowly, but a deeper one. I feel like I will someday be able to "think" myself better, because I'm clever like that, and my knowledge of myself just keeps growing and growing, and with it a plethora of other gifts. I feel blessed in a big way.

D@mn, Leo's kinda scummy. Like, I showed his video to my family because they started to get concerned over who I was watching on Sundays; I usually put his stuff on because he does have some good ideas and I liked to compare and contrast awakening experiences. It grounded me that way. But his examples, his way of speaking put them off and they picked up on him being weird. I guess I just ignored it, so I could focus on what I wanted to about him, but it's hard to ignore his comments about women, and his actions speak for themselves. He has to grow out of that... But who am I to judge, I have so many qualities I need to focus on fixing in myself - or at least accepting and witnessing.. It's just that for what I am trying to fix in myself, that place aggravated it a lot more than it helped. There's a lack of self acceptance and love in that place - it's very cold; and I can't offer advice because I'm coming from a different perspective. I feel like it isn't a place to work on self love; I'm trying to manifest more of it in the environment because there's been so much negativity going on the past few years and feel like maybe a lot of it could be fixed with a change in perspective? I don't know... Maybe Leo will read this and change himself? That's what does it for me sometimes, is seeing the mirror effectively. He seems like someone who is open to change, so I'm willing to bet someday he will outgrow this - I don't say that as a fan, but it just seems like he grew in so many other ways that some day he will in this way, too. Leo aside, what direction do people want this forum to go in? I was thinking we could focus more on love and creativity - like, a lot of expression and working together to grow. I'm at a point in my life where I can see where my karma is heading and I just don't like it and want to change it around through working positively with different communities online and sharing positivity and stuff like that. All the best.

My thoughts on Leo are that he is immature, but is coming across as matured, maybe farther along than he is, because his forum posts don't sound like he's cool. I never payed much attention to his stuff/him tbh so I never really paid a whole lot of attention to his behaviour either; but it rubs off on people there, I think, or perhaps people got too comfortable with one another or perhaps it was just the crowd but I got disillusioned one day with the whole thing. And I was tired of the comments made towards women, it fed insecurities for sure... ...But I also grew a lot there and it did serve its purpose for what it had. I needed a starting point to see myself accurately so I could know how I wanted to proceed in public. For this forum, I want to be focused on creativity and helping others from an animist/shamanic pov. I'm just not into doing the kind of drugs they are and I don't understand or believe in solipsism and everyone was starting to talk the same. A lot of trolls joined, too, over the years and I had my mental break while on that site and I'm relatively better and want a fresh start somewhere new. The era of Actualized is over for me, I simply grew in a different direction, perhaps that's all that needs to be said. I wish everyone on the other side of the fence good luck and don't let anyone decide which forum you can and can't use, that's not fair. You are your own authority. 😛

Pure Devilry - Not Afraid to Die I did my best on this one, it is about facing the Devil and getting back to God. Each song is placed to send a message about the existence of dark energy, and also tell a tale of redemption; of which I hope to someday find. It's a genuine journey into the recesses of a darker human mind.

I am the sickness you cannot define The nauseating smile in your mind I am the anger the hate and the pain You'll remember my name I am your god I am the alpha and the omega Your beginning and your end I am that I am You will never be alone again Move heaven and earth to break free My son, take heart you will never be Long anywhere to anyone you can hide You can run but after all is said and done It's my kingdom come I am the alpha and the omega Your beginning and your end I am that I am You will never be alone again I am your god