noomii

Also, obviously what I don't think is working is taking action. Either I'm trying very hard to change things with action but not much changes or I avoid taking action because of how it feels (overwhelment or fear?). And I don't think I've been questioning thoughts in a contemplative way that much either. Guilt or unworthiness I want it to feel easy to take action/focus on what I truly want to do and to be productive. To feel relaxed and at peace. To let go of the judgmental thoughts, perfectionism and "I'm not good enough". To move to a new place. I'm going to move in June but I feel impatience. 😂 To do a lot of fun things and to travel a lot. To love and feel deeply connected to everyone around me. Breath awareness Reading that it seems to me like I need to do what I was asking.

I'm not sure. I think I've been acknowledging emotions a lot, it seems like maybe I'm not doing it enough when I don't see the changes I want. I've thought that I've been meditating incorrectly. Now I think I'm doing it right, I don't notice a lot of changes it's mostly just a subtle difference, maybe I will notice more later. Or maybe there is some other technique I need to use. I don't know. Do I really need to question thoughts in order to simply feel relaxed and at peace? I just want to let go of all suffering, that's all 🤷‍♀️ What if I'm trying to describe an experience to someone? ❤️ thank you!

Thanks for sharing. I make lists everyday but I think I'm going to use my dream board more for even smaller tasks. Not in the same way as a "to do- list" though, more like setting an intention and let it be. I think it's better to see it clearly on the board instead of my phone. I think the problem I experience with productivity is an emotional issue, I'm not thinking clearly and I'm not focused

Then what do you suggest I do with "my physical body"? I'm not using meditation to escape anything. How do you suggest I clean up my trauma, if it's not with any of the suggested practices on Phil's website? How is it spiritual bypassing? It's healing, thanks. I'd rather not talk about it here as it's off-topic

Are you asking who is the doer or what am I doing which is not working?

It feels like what I'm doing to change things doesn't work that much. One good thing is that meditation feels better than before, I'm doing 50 min and I think I'm going to add more time. I think I'm going to start questioning thoughts more, but it feels difficult to start. Maybe because of overwhelment about how many things I think I need to get done. I don't think overwhelment is that easy to notice either. It feels difficult to make plans or to do things I actually want. It feels like time passes by so quickly and I feel like I'm always behind with daily tasks. It feels horrible living with my parents and I want to get away now but I don't know how.

Thanks but I don't know I just feel so stuck

I believe I have really wasted A LOT of time in my life, that I have used my time wrong and failed. I also see how focusing on this just makes me waste even more time. How do I let go of this? How can I make the most out of the time I have to create what I want?

I don't resonate with how more stress is the answer. That's how I get things done when I believe I have to do something and that I have a time limit, but it feels horrible. I think I manage working full time, if I relax and let go of thoughts. I'm more productive when I work for someone else because there's not much room for rumination and it's clear what I'm going to do.

Thank you

I guess that's just made up, if I feel worry it's directly experienced now.

It wasn't felt when I wrote it, atleast not overwhelment. There's no past or future that I think I feel it in.

The thoughts about a past or future arise now or not at all

No, it's felt now or not at all. Sorry for late reply.

I don't feel good today. I fell asleep after 4am some time and I interrupted the sleep I got a lot and woke up by noon. I just feel so bad, pessimism, worry, powerlessness? I don't know. I feel very isolated right now. There's so much I want to write but I feel doubt about if I should write at all because I feel a lot of insecurity after just being honest, I'm assuming people are judging me negatively. A dream from the other night: I was going for a walk in the woods and I stopped by a man and a little boy. The boy was sitting on a rock and the man was by a tiny building fixing the firewood. I saw a bear so I stopped and told the man. I walked inside the small building. The man wasn't worried and the bear just walked away. I asked the man where the road goes the direction I walked towards and I don't remember what he said. Then the bear soon walked past us on the road. Then it walked away again. Then it came back but this time it had maybe four other bears with it. One of them were really big and bulky. They looked like grizzlies. I hid with the man inside the small building and closed the doors and the man said that these thin walls won't protect us. He looked to see if the boy was ok, he was like 10 m away outside sitting on that rock but the bears didn't do anything to him. I asked him, if the bears attack us then we just lay down and play dead right? We looked at how much time had passed. I was looking away but the man tried to get me to look at the bears. The bears surrounded us and the biggest bear came first by my side. The bears said something to us. I felt so much fear. I thought to myself that now it's definitely not possible to get help. Then I woke up 😰 that really seemed real. In another dream later that night I was with my parents in a house somewhere and I felt verrry tired and heavy in a very uncomfortable way that made it very difficult to move. Apparently I had completely forgot that I had driven them to this place, confused. My mom seemed worried about me. Then later on a woman (I don't know if it was mom) admitted that she had put something in my drink earlier and she showed a mushroom that looked like cubensis. I think she said that I'm processing a lot. I have reoccuring dreams about being chased or attacked by bears. One of my biggest fears is to be attacked by a bear but I guess it can be a symbol of other fears too. I'm not really sure what the first dream really meant about the man and the boy.

I have no clue I said yes to the job offer 😕

I have been asked if I want to work at a hotel in their restaurant, from late June until October. I just don't know if this is right, I don't know what to reply to her and I need to let her know very soon. I feel like I didn't really think this through. I know a place one hour from there that is much bigger that I would rather go to because there's more people, more fun things happening, I can work with more fun things outside and a grocery store that they don't have where I got a job offer. Where I got the job offer I will have a cheap rent for my room, no space to make my own food and I eat at the restaurant every day. I just applied to the bigger place yesterday. I called them today to ask how soon I can get feedback about my application, but the receptionist told me to send a mail that she will send to the ones who are responsible for it and they will get back to me sometime this week. I guess I could say yes to the job offer and then later say no, but that doesn't feel right. I know there's also a bus going inbetween these places but I would rather be a part of the bigger place. I feel pessimism about how I might feel isolated at the smaller place, I have had enough of that. Seems like I was a good chameleon when talking with the hotel. "It's important that you're stress-resistant" Of course! 😊 I honestly feel so easily overwhelment about things I think I should do and I feel almost constantly worry about what I need to do, even though I don't have a job and don't have much I need to do daily. I have no idea how this will go, this is a full time job.

I have tried again to use the emotional scale for a few days and IT FEELS AWFUL, I DON'T SEE HOW I CAN USE IT EVERYDAY. Today I started from insecurity to contentment but I am too fucking tired to continue after that. I feel so much frustration and anger now I think. I JUST WANT TO SHOUT AND WRITE ANGRILY. I THINK I'M ADDING SOME RESISTANCE TO EMOTIONAL SCALE AND MEDITATION BECAUSE I CAN'T RELAX!!!!! 😂

I'm crying way more often than I used to! I just had a crying meditation session. Usually it feels good to cry but not so good right now, I think there's a lot more wanting to be released. I feel like I have so much I want to express but I'm going to sleep now.

Thoughts "Me" or looking at "my body". It feels difficult and I think I don't have time for this which makes me want to put aside these questions and do it later. To be honest I don't want to be "good enough". I want to be absolutely PERFECT, in all ways possible. 🙂 Yes, that's where I'm at with most aspects of life. Thank you for seeing and sharing that with me. Was the link supposed to take me somewhere? 🙂

I don't know, I don't think I can be a pair of letters when I observe them

I don't know.

I guess I need to force myself to focus and be mindful of how discordant it feels. Maybe all the thoughts about "my focus and mind" are just in the way. Like "there's something wrong with my focus and mind. It feels easier to avoid what feels difficult to focus on". I think most answers that comes up are false, should I just not care about what thoughts come up, care more about the question and focus on what I see in direct experience? Do you see why the Byron katie's method didn't work for me in the way I did it? What do you mean? "If I don't understand something it must mean that I'm not smart or intelligent." That's a belief. Just wanted to write it out to see clearly. 😂

What I meant was that before I question a belief I meditate to get focused, then I ask if the belief is true, I sit still and look at what thought comes up. "I'm not good enough" among others. I don't think it's about the specific belief, it seems to be about how I go about questioning it? Looking at it visually, and then what?... What does one actually do when questioning? These questions maybe sound stupid, or maybe it's just that I feel insecurity about asking. It just seems like I'm not able to question, reflect or contemplate on questions or beliefs. Maybe I'm already doing it effortlessly sometimes, but when I try to do it, I don't seem to be able to focus and trying to focus feels bad. It seems like a part of "my mind" is completely shut off, blocked and does not work. The practices I don't use from that list are emotional scale (however I'm mindful of emotions throughout the day) and a calendar. I write out my dreams when I feel like it, I don't often receive the full message. Scheduling fun things in a calendar feels difficult, activities I want or meeting people I want are far away from me, or so I believe. I think I suffer so much more than necessary because of not talking to friends I feel connected to.

I feel so FUCKING MISUNDERSTOOD! I feel grief and anger!!!!! I think most people who know me misunderstands and judges my life situation very negatively. That I'm just LAZY. One of my sisters probably understands more than others but I think she misunderstands some things too. My dad said that my mental health is all my fault lol. Our communication doesn't work right now. In a while he will realize he's old and dies soon and we will probably behave differently These are just beliefs!!!!!