A Closed Heart

[Blessed2]

Me & my girlfriend had a fight and a sad day.

 

We've had problems in our relationship... Mainly it's because of me. I'm not putting 100% in it. I'm being bit of a selfish asshole to be honest. Really, I'm trying my best, but I feel so closed off from how I feel and how others feel and what's the 'right way', so my best isn't that good.

 

For our entire relationship I've felt kind of closed off from feeling the guidance and the presence of source/god. I feel foggy. Not seeing what is the right thing to do. And so I'm frustrated because I feel like I've been left alone in this. I'd like a source/god who would help me and guide me always, be with me always, like a true friend. But that's not how I've felt, not at all.

 

The disharmony and suffering came up yesterday, she got angry and frustrated. We've talked about the discord and almost even breaking up a few times... But it has never really gotten anywhere for some reason. It's quite clear that something is off and neither of us is really happy, but for some reason we still haven't separated. It's weird and doesn't seem healthy at all. Somehow we just stay together... Like some sort of stream would keep us coming here.

 

Today I said it for the first time, that I think we should break up. I told her how I've felt: repressed, closed off from feeling, closed off from love and compassion, feeling like a prisoner, not having the space to be how & who I am. Kind of feeling too little space. It feels like she is asking for things I cannot give, mainly certain type of intimacy and romance and attention... She (rightly and naturally) wants to feel noticed and loved and cared for, whuch is the point. But for me it feels wrong... For some reason it just makes me feel like I cannot express myself freely, cannot be myself. As if I'm being demanded love. It makes me want to run away. I just don't feel free. Which is obviously not a good sign... Obviously something is wrong within me. Obviously I'm being an asshole here.

 

All around, this whole thing, makes me feel quite horrible. I don't feel like my life is going where I want it to be. I don't feel like my dreams are coming true. I feel stuck, repressed, closed off and heartless. I hoped that when a break-up would finally be at hand, when the pressure and stress would finally be lifted with true honest talk, I would finally feel free boundless again, and feel the heart healing... And maybe even be there for her, to give even a little true love. But there was no change. Still felt the same colourless dull frustration and closed off from spirit or heart. Makes me doubt if any spirit or source/god even exists...

 

Literally like a empty hole in the heart. I cried a bit yesterday and today, because I felt that sting. But just a little bit. Would love to finally burst open and have that true cathartic cry... But it doesn't happen. I've had trouble crying for years. I just feel closed off, even though I'd really like to feel that sting and sorrow and opening up, hearing what the heart says.

 

Interestingly enough, it seems that my girlfriend has it the other way around. She cries like no-one else, a great gift. She cries often and deeply. Truly one if my favourite things about her. I envy her for it. Would love to have that way of emptying. Without it, I feel groundless. As if cannot get the feelings out, so they build up until it's such a mountain that I fear I will just break down mentally and spiritually from the pressure. There, I pray for a cathartic cry, but the only thing that comes is frustration... It sucks. Just one more rock for the mountain.

 

Have tried to figure out where the closed heart & incapablitity to cry and open up and feel the sting and guidance, comes from. I don't get it.

 

I'm sorry that she has to go through this. I'm sorry that she even met me to begin with. I should treat her better. I should be more honest. I should talk more openly how I feel, even if it would hurt her. She has asked me to do that. But I cannot... I don't want to hurt her that way. She would see what a monster I truly am, how selfish I am. That would hurt her bad.

 

My intention is not to be an asshole or hurt others... It's not what I want. I never wanted to hurt anyone. It's just that I feel so afraid, so devastated... I feel like I can't 'make it'... I need others to help me, to support me.

 

In the end, we did not break up today. She cried, I cried a bit, we talked, I went for a walk, tried to clear up. But still no clarity. Don't know what to do. Don't know what I feel, other than that I still feel repressed, frustrated, closed off and lost. And it seems there is nothing I can do, and nothing helps. I feel lost. And every now and then, doubt comes... That what if there really is no guidance, no Spirit.

[Blessed2]

... And again the same god damn frustration.

 

Tried breathing from the stomach. Didn't help, made it worse.

 

Or maybe I can't fucking meditate correctly because I have some heavy metal poisoning in my brain or all those medications and drugs have messed me up.

 

Maybe that is the problem. Maybe my brain is sick.

 

If so, I'm doomed because I have no energy or willpower to do anything about it. I'm too lazy and too unfocused to stop taking meds or do a heavy metal detox. Waking up in the morning and drinking tea is already a fucking battle and a struggle so It's fucking unfair that being happy is such a huge work.

 

For example the ox-herding images. Or opening the chakras. Or whatever. How the fuck is anyone supposed to go through that shit? I hate when I see anyone say that it takes years or a lot of work to awaken or grow or something. I don't want that. I'm too tired. I've been depressed and anxious and tired for years now. Has that not been enough for growth?!? How much more??? I went through a fucking psychotic episode. A year of constant anxiety. Delusions. More pills. That's cruel and unfair. I don't want it. I don't want to do it. I don't want to live if that is what it means. It's fucking unfair to be born into this world where I need to suffer like this and not even be happy in the end of it. I didn't choose to be here. I just appeared and now I suffer. That sounds like hell to be honest. Some sort of idiotic and cruel hell.

 

"Oh yeah, but you can be happy, just do years of work, just meditate every day for ten years. Do this yoga for ten years. Fix your diet. Stop the pills that evil corporations sell you. And maybe not even then there will be no success or happiness. Or maybe you can't meditate because your brain is broken and well, you're just doomed, just try to get through it. Dunno. Maybe you need to live 10 more lifetimes. Happiness and peace is only for rare yogis who just happen to got it at birth or something. Not for lazy people, you need to learn more, life needs to teach you that this laziness isn't good, life needs you to be more motivated and less lazy. Maybe it'll take years more suffering until you somehow grow balls or something to do enough work."

 

Maybe that's just it. Maybe I simply don't have what it takes. I'm lazy, I don't want to do any work. Literally,  I don't want to do any work. I got into a school a while back. Massage therapy. It's supposed to start in a week. But I don't really feel good about it. I've tried so many things. I've waited for so long that finally I'd find something I enjoy doing so I could maybe kinda have some sort of carreer, something else than rotting jobless in my home living on welfare. But this one will probably also be a disappointment, because I will probably not enjoy that either. It will be boring and I will once again be disappointed. That's how my life has always been. Literally from the childhood. I have never actually enjoyed anything. Others have music, art, sports, craft, reading, writing. I got nothing. It would be easy to enjoy life if I had something I truly enjoy, but I don't. I've always hoped that I could finally be good at something, finally have some sort of meaningful hobby or even something enjoyable to do when I wake up in the morning. But no. Each thing has eventually been a disappointment. Something has been wrong with me from the very beginning, and so I am doomed for some fucking reason.

 

This feels like hell. To be born into this society where one needs to do work in order to survive, to have a life where you can do something, to own a house or a car. If you don't, yeah you can survive on welfare but you will be an outcast and you will be called guilty for leeching off from taxes. Too bad if doing even the smallest work is too much, you're a traitor and a failure. Even your parents will frown at you. I couldn't do work or study after the teenage years and my parents did not understand. They thought I was lazy. Yeah, I was, but I didn't want to be lazy. I just was, and I couldn't change it. Did not feel loved. Couldn't be myself. Couldn't talk about my dreams. Each time they just washed it off like it was stupid and I needed to grow and stop being such a lazy daydreamer. 

 

Even during school years I had no motivation in studying or good grades. I tried a few times, I tried to do the homework and be a good student. Maybe I could have gotten into a med school or something? Maybe if I did enough work, if I had the motivation and just done it, I could have gotten good grades and learned it and gotten into a good school and eventually made a lot of money and lived a good life. But each time I failed and went back to laziness. Every time I felt a little more like a failure and just too lazy.

 

Same thing with sports. A few times I had enough to go to the gym and stuff. Maybe if I had it more I could do it enough to stay healthy and not be this unhealthy blob. Maybe I could have looked better, to be sexy, and attract all the women. Maybe I could have been an active person who like actually did something, not just lie down in my bed eating candy and drinking alcohol.

 

I can feel the lazy unhealthy blob body every day. Literally even standing up OR SITTING is hard for me. I get so tired I need to lie down... And I'm not even overweight or anything! I'm quite slim. But my health is propably so fucked that my body can't take even that small work. Yeah, maybe it's the diet or something. Probably yes. Doesn't matter since there isn't energy to correct it.

 

Yeah, I've heard it before... Take the first step. Fix one meal a day. Eat one fruit a morning or something. I could do that, but what's the point? One fruit does nothing. One healthy day does nothing. I don't have energy to make it a habit. I don't have energy to help myself, to make a difference.

 

And yup, I've heard that one too. These are beliefs. These are thinking patterns. Future is a thought. A daily habit is a thought. A me that has or has not energy to make a difference or change habits is a thought/belief. Sure, maybe I agree. I've tried shifting beliefs. But that doesn't help either. Doesn't work. Things don't change. The same thing day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year. Same me, same lazy, unsuccesful, depressed and suffering me. Yup, that's a thought/belief too. But no change. No clarity. Useless.

 

Maybe a spiritual guide could help me? Maybe Jesus or Neem Karoli Baba or Phil or a damn angel or alien could finally come to change my life, to heal me? Or maybe a crystal? Or reiki? Been waiting for that one too. Nothing happens. No answer. No change. No magic. No mystical spirit. No help. No easy fix.

 

How bout openly and honestly writing how I feel? How bout this post right here? Probably not. Tomorrow will be the same. The next week will be the same. I'll go to school and be disappointed. I'll wake up drunk and hungover again and again. I'll feel stuck and frustrated again. I'll feel afraid and anxious again. My heart will feel blocked. Will not cry, there will be no cathartic cry. And I will be more frustrated, and nothing will help.

 

Will be angry and disappointed at spirituality, all the books in my shelf. Will resent the teachers and poets. No magic in books either. Will look back at this post and feel disappointed and resentful, frustrated and angry and anxious... Because I did what I was suggested, to express... And it didn't help... So it must be this is just poor advice, from untrustworthy people. And maybe, I will have to leave this forum too, and feel so left alone, so anxious and terrified and lost.

 

And most of all, I will still wait. Still hope. Maybe the next day. Maybe today. Maybe after that. After this. Maybe finally someone helps me. Maybe finally I'm saved. And each time I hope a little less, and each time the doubt grows. Maybe this is hell. Maybe there is no way out. Maybe this is indescribable suffering and hellish existence, maybe all is really just bad and evil and terror... Even this forum. Even Phil.

 

That's pretty much everything that's bugging me. All that, and the fact that maybe I fucked up by writing such horrible things, that maybe I did a horrible mistake and everything will go wrong now... I will die, and suffer.

[Eothasian]

Uff, sorry my friend. 😔

Edited July 31, 2022 by Eothasian

[Blessed2]

I don't really want to live anymore. Neither do I want to die because it could be that death isn't any better. That's so annoying. I would just commit suicide if I wasn't so afraid to die.

 

(I know the forum guidelines. Will seek professional help if it gets too serious.)

 

All memories I have is pretty much just more or less suffering. Everything is suffering. The world isn't a good place. The experience of life I've had so far has really been more of a hell than heaven. Which is insane and ridiculous.

 

Seriously, take a look at the world. People get sick and die every day. Everyone will eventually die. You can't have the things you desire. Enjoyable things create more suffering and ruins your health. You are stuck in a body, can't get out. The only way to happiness is some sort of "change yourself, kill the ego, face your fears" meaning just more battle and suffering.

 

I hate myself for being this failure. I hate the world and life for being so horrible. I hate god or whatever is supposed to be good and loving for not helping me. Like wtf?? If god = love why am I not healed?? That makes no sense. Is it too much to ask??

 

I've believed god = love because did not have the balls to think otherwise. I was hopeful, I so hoped that maybe everything would be fine in the end. But it has never eventually been fine. Year after year the same battle. People say I should surrender or let go or "you don't need to fight" or whatever, but that is useless advice. If I could end suffering, I would. If I could choose to be happy, if it was in my control, I would. But it's not.

 

Nothing excites me. Nothing brings me joy. Even if I got all the things I had on my dreamboard, a new car, a beautiful house, money, travel... It wouldn't change anything. Some things from the board has manifested... But I have not felt better. Just more despair and more disappointment. You know how it feels when you have the board in front of you, and you could write & manifest ANYTHING, but nothing comes to mind... Because it would be a disappointment, and you would not be any happier.

 

Just overall... Life, is shit. Not at all enjoyable. Really just suffering.

[Orb]

@Blessed2 Did you meditate? Are you meditating consistently?

[Orb]

@Blessed2 I promise you that if you just meditate 20-30 mins first thing in the morning and before you sleep, that at least your baseline mood will be far higher. 

 

Im not saying youll be jumping up and down in joy, but youll at least be feeling satisfied, content. 

 

Seems to me like you arent meditating consistently, and are trying to figure out how to be happy through thoughts, which never works. 

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 🤗

 

When "out of the Vortex" NO subject seems satisfying. Everything seems to have gone to shit, all advice given will appear the same. 

2 hours ago, Blessed2 said:

Nothing excites me. Nothing brings me joy. Even if I got all the things I had on my dreamboard, a new car, a beautiful house, money, travel... It wouldn't change anything. Some things from the board has manifested... But I have not felt better. Just more despair and more disappointment. You know how it feels when you have the board in front of you, and you could write & manifest ANYTHING, but nothing comes to mind... Because it would be a disappointment, and you would not be any happier.

Rather than immediately judging the subject "my life" or "life in general" to be the overarching subject that is shit, appreciate that this is one thought, occurring now, being interpreted through the lens of the current emotion. 

 

Things do not have the power to assert happiness or unhappiness in our experience. If they did, we would not be powerful creators. If they did virtually all people in modern times in developed countries would be ecstatic. However possessions and positions don't have anything to do with happiness. Things and circumstances are only appreciated to the degree of which we are seeing them clearly. 

 

When you write, ask yourself if this thought is "upstream" or "downstream". Does this thought feel relieving or does it feel worse, like digging in more? Was this expression, did I let this go, did it feel released, heard and accepted, or am I simply arguing for my case, and practicing a belief that feels terrible? 

[Blessed2]

@Orb No, I do not meditate. Even 5 minutes would be a struggle. I have tried it but each time it comes back to the disappointment and frustration so bad that I fear I break down and lose the control of my body and hurt myself or others.

 

It's the same as I know I would feel better if I quitted nicotine. But quitting would be too uncomfortable, I cannot do it. I cannot stand even the slightest uncomfort. Because I am too worn out just by whatever the hell I do and feel every day. It's a brick wall. I cannot even consider meditating tonight or tomorrow morning. Because it hurts so bad. Even hearing the word "meditation" hurts.

[Orb]

@Blessed2 ah, I figured!

 

It's because meditation is such an easy way to feel better that you don't wanna do it, because the one who has to solve the problem would disappear. 

 

If you took just 20 minutes to sit and watch your breath or any sensation, you'd be feeling way better trust me 💙.

[Blessed2]

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

When "out of the Vortex" NO subject seems satisfying. Everything seems to have gone to shit, all advice given will appear the same. 

 

Yes. I feel like that so often these days. No matter what I read or hear. Everything hurts. Everything is a disappointment and frustration.

 

1 hour ago, Mandy said:

When you write, ask yourself if this thought is "upstream" or "downstream". Does this thought feel relieving or does it feel worse, like digging in more? Was this expression, did I let this go, did it feel released, heard and accepted, or am I simply arguing for my case, and practicing a belief that feels terrible? 

 

Really nothing I've written has felt like relief. But I write since I guess I gotta do something. I write so that at least I'm open and writing what I'm really feeling. That maybe, just maybe, at some point something feels better.

 

This is really the best I can do right now. I can't meditate, can't eat better, can't do dreamboard stuff. Can't even do the emotional scale. So I just write whatever and hope that maybe eventually it goes away.

[Orb]

@Blessed2

 

Just now, Blessed2 said:

 

This is really the best I can do right now. I can't meditate, can't eat better, can't do dreamboard stuff. Can't even do the emotional scale. So I just write whatever and hope that maybe eventually it goes away.

 

I just wanna jump in and advise that maybe being flexible with these things is the best approach. 

 

Journaling can feel very good, but if you do it too long then it can become circular and you just keep saying the same stuff over again, when this happens now you're aware of the discordant stuff you keep repeating and then you can meditate and then you'll feel more relief. 

 

It's not just one tool that's gonna help, you can use multiple tools (emotional scale, meditation, journaling) each at the right time when it feels like the right step. 

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 I do something often journaling where I split myself in two and write the normal human character crap and then ask questions or wait for a response as if I'm talking to a wise teacher. Eventually the teacher gets rude and just butts in. You might be surprised what inner knowledge arises, what you already know. And if it doesn't, then so what, that's how you are writing now anyway. Maybe give it a try. 

[Blessed2]

@Mandy Alright. I'll try it. I've actually tried something like that before, once had a crazy, dare I say almost supernatural moment.

 

I won't give the inner wisdom an easy pass. Hard questions straight away. Public.

 

Okay Inner Being. You know what I've written so far. Let me begin by asking what should I do to feel better, how can I actually get somewhere and have a satisfying, happy life?

 

You're not supposed to give any easy passes. You're going to doubt what 'you' 'write' here a lot, so get ready.

 

Don't get hung up on distracting thoughts or doubts. Let it flow. Notice the role the emotion shame plays here. Let things uncover naturally - take the role of the observer. Be interested in what happens, rather than judgemental.

 

So, the first question. What can you do to feel better, to have the life you truly want?

 

You already know the answer, as I am you. Though let's keep writing, because it is far more powerful to see it uncover before your eyes as written text. The answer you are looking for is meditation. You have heard it before, many times. Yet you have not wanted to hear it. You don't want to meditate. This is because meditation is a direct opposite of what we call the egoic mind. Ego is not an entity, it is an activity. Ego is an activity wherein emotion is averted and hid from into mental images and appearances, the monkey mind. Meditation is the complete U-turn. It feels uncomfortable because what you regard as "your entire being", your personality, has done things in a very different way up to this point. Think of doing a U-turn in a fast-moving car. You are familiar with the Newton's first law, law of inertia. This physical law will push your body strongly against your seatbelt, even painfully so. It is similar when beginning a meditation practice - your learned ways press against the new movement, or shall I say non-movement.

 

Begin with the first step. Do just the amount you can. Even two minutes is good. Even ten or five deep, conscious breaths is good. The practice will naturally develop from there, as you notice the positive impact it has on how you feel.

 

I don't think I can do that. I've tried meditating so many times. I will just feel frustrated and disappointed when the same suffering comes. I feel frustrated and disappointed already, because I don't think none of this is helpful.

 

Okay. Relax. Notice the stomach area. Notice the root of feeling. This is your absolute center. It is where I come from. Things will uncover naturally. You may not see it right now, and you may doubt what I say, but you will feel better soon. Sometimes it takes time for strong winds to calm down.

 

You are already starting no notice a change happening. This is because you are focusing on Me, taking a new approach.

 

Yes, I do notice some new sensations and slight relief, maybe. But I doubt. And I am being pessimistic. It feels good to be pessimistic, at least I won't be disappointed again. I don't want to put in too much hope, since I've done that in the past and it has always come back to suffering and destruction.

 

Again, take a few deep breaths. Focus on the stomach area. Take in some clarity.

 

Isn't silence an answer enough?

 

Yes, I get what you are saying. But I want to fix it. I want change now. I want to feel better now. I'm tired of waiting.

 

Keep coming back to the stomach. There will be clarity.

 

There is actually a bit more clarity now! I feel slightly relieved! I feel a tingling in my stomach. It feels good.

 

...

 

Oops, got distracted there didn't you?

 

Yes, this is hard. It's not easy to have a conversation with you.

 

It's extremely easy. I'm silent.

 

Okay. Probably enough for today. I feel like doing something else now.

 

Duh. Of course.

 

You are far more than you think. You have unspeakable clarity within. You feel it.

 

I do. But I gotta go now. I need to relax and focus on something else for a while. Might get back with you some time later.

[Mandy]

@Blessed2 😲💥👏❤️

[Phil]

1 hour ago, Blessed2 said:

@Mandy Alright. I'll try it. I've actually tried something like that before, once had a crazy, dare I say almost supernatural moment.

 

I won't give the inner wisdom an easy pass. Hard questions straight away. Public.

 

Okay Inner Being. You know what I've written so far. Let me begin by asking what should I do to feel better, how can I actually get somewhere and have a satisfying, happy life?

 

You're not supposed to give any easy passes. You're going to doubt what 'you' 'write' here a lot, so get ready.

 

Don't get hung up on distracting thoughts or doubts. Let it flow. Notice the role the emotion shame plays here. Let things uncover naturally - take the role of the observer. Be interested in what happens, rather than judgemental.

 

So, the first question. What can you do to feel better, to have the life you truly want?

 

You already know the answer, as I am you. Though let's keep writing, because it is far more powerful to see it uncover before your eyes as written text. The answer you are looking for is meditation. You have heard it before, many times. Yet you have not wanted to hear it. You don't want to meditate. This is because meditation is a direct opposite of what we call the egoic mind. Ego is not an entity, it is an activity. Ego is an activity wherein emotion is averted and hid from into mental images and appearances, the monkey mind. Meditation is the complete U-turn. It feels uncomfortable because what you regard as "your entire being", your personality, has done things in a very different way up to this point. Think of doing a U-turn in a fast-moving car. You are familiar with the Newton's first law, law of inertia. This physical law will push your body strongly against your seatbelt, even painfully so. It is similar when beginning a meditation practice - your learned ways press against the new movement, or shall I say non-movement.

 

Begin with the first step. Do just the amount you can. Even two minutes is good. Even ten or five deep, conscious breaths is good. The practice will naturally develop from there, as you notice the positive impact it has on how you feel.

 

I don't think I can do that. I've tried meditating so many times. I will just feel frustrated and disappointed when the same suffering comes. I feel frustrated and disappointed already, because I don't think none of this is helpful.

 

Okay. Relax. Notice the stomach area. Notice the root of feeling. This is your absolute center. It is where I come from. Things will uncover naturally. You may not see it right now, and you may doubt what I say, but you will feel better soon. Sometimes it takes time for strong winds to calm down.

 

You are already starting no notice a change happening. This is because you are focusing on Me, taking a new approach.

 

Yes, I do notice some new sensations and slight relief, maybe. But I doubt. And I am being pessimistic. It feels good to be pessimistic, at least I won't be disappointed again. I don't want to put in too much hope, since I've done that in the past and it has always come back to suffering and destruction.

 

Again, take a few deep breaths. Focus on the stomach area. Take in some clarity.

 

Isn't silence an answer enough?

 

Yes, I get what you are saying. But I want to fix it. I want change now. I want to feel better now. I'm tired of waiting.

 

Keep coming back to the stomach. There will be clarity.

 

There is actually a bit more clarity now! I feel slightly relieved! I feel a tingling in my stomach. It feels good.

 

...

 

Oops, got distracted there didn't you?

 

Yes, this is hard. It's not easy to have a conversation with you.

 

It's extremely easy. I'm silent.

 

Okay. Probably enough for today. I feel like doing something else now.

 

Duh. Of course.

 

You are far more than you think. You have unspeakable clarity within. You feel it.

 

I do. But I gotta go now. I need to relax and focus on something else for a while. Might get back with you some time later.

 

Awesome!

On 7/30/2022 at 2:57 PM, Blessed2 said:

Me & my girlfriend had a fight and a sad day.

 

We've had problems in our relationship... Mainly it's because of me. I'm not putting 100% in it. I'm being bit of a selfish asshole to be honest. Really, I'm trying my best, but I feel so closed off from how I feel and how others feel and what's the 'right way', so my best isn't that good.

 

For our entire relationship I've felt kind of closed off from feeling the guidance and the presence of source/god. I feel foggy. Not seeing what is the right thing to do. And so I'm frustrated because I feel like I've been left alone in this. I'd like a source/god who would help me and guide me always, be with me always, like a true friend. But that's not how I've felt, not at all.

 

The disharmony and suffering came up yesterday, she got angry and frustrated. We've talked about the discord and almost even breaking up a few times... But it has never really gotten anywhere for some reason. It's quite clear that something is off and neither of us is really happy, but for some reason we still haven't separated. It's weird and doesn't seem healthy at all. Somehow we just stay together... Like some sort of stream would keep us coming here.

 

Today I said it for the first time, that I think we should break up. I told her how I've felt: repressed, closed off from feeling, closed off from love and compassion, feeling like a prisoner, not having the space to be how & who I am. Kind of feeling too little space. It feels like she is asking for things I cannot give, mainly certain type of intimacy and romance and attention... She (rightly and naturally) wants to feel noticed and loved and cared for, whuch is the point. But for me it feels wrong... For some reason it just makes me feel like I cannot express myself freely, cannot be myself. As if I'm being demanded love. It makes me want to run away. I just don't feel free. Which is obviously not a good sign... Obviously something is wrong within me. Obviously I'm being an asshole here.

 

All around, this whole thing, makes me feel quite horrible. I don't feel like my life is going where I want it to be. I don't feel like my dreams are coming true. I feel stuck, repressed, closed off and heartless. I hoped that when a break-up would finally be at hand, when the pressure and stress would finally be lifted with true honest talk, I would finally feel free boundless again, and feel the heart healing... And maybe even be there for her, to give even a little true love. But there was no change. Still felt the same colourless dull frustration and closed off from spirit or heart. Makes me doubt if any spirit or source/god even exists...

 

Literally like a empty hole in the heart. I cried a bit yesterday and today, because I felt that sting. But just a little bit. Would love to finally burst open and have that true cathartic cry... But it doesn't happen. I've had trouble crying for years. I just feel closed off, even though I'd really like to feel that sting and sorrow and opening up, hearing what the heart says.

 

Interestingly enough, it seems that my girlfriend has it the other way around. She cries like no-one else, a great gift. She cries often and deeply. Truly one if my favourite things about her. I envy her for it. Would love to have that way of emptying. Without it, I feel groundless. As if cannot get the feelings out, so they build up until it's such a mountain that I fear I will just break down mentally and spiritually from the pressure. There, I pray for a cathartic cry, but the only thing that comes is frustration... It sucks. Just one more rock for the mountain.

 

Have tried to figure out where the closed heart & incapablitity to cry and open up and feel the sting and guidance, comes from. I don't get it.

 

I'm sorry that she has to go through this. I'm sorry that she even met me to begin with. I should treat her better. I should be more honest. I should talk more openly how I feel, even if it would hurt her. She has asked me to do that. But I cannot... I don't want to hurt her that way. She would see what a monster I truly am, how selfish I am. That would hurt her bad.

 

My intention is not to be an asshole or hurt others... It's not what I want. I never wanted to hurt anyone. It's just that I feel so afraid, so devastated... I feel like I can't 'make it'... I need others to help me, to support me.

 

In the end, we did not break up today. She cried, I cried a bit, we talked, I went for a walk, tried to clear up. But still no clarity. Don't know what to do. Don't know what I feel, other than that I still feel repressed, frustrated, closed off and lost. And it seems there is nothing I can do, and nothing helps. I feel lost. And every now and then, doubt comes... That what if there really is no guidance, no Spirit.

There is a “separate self” defaulted to. Inspect, look for that self the discordant thoughts are about. Begin to notice the thoughts appear, but that ‘self’ their about isn’t there.  You’re not a selfish asshole, you’re not closed off, your best is enough. There is no ‘right’ thing to do, there is preference. 

On 7/30/2022 at 2:57 PM, Blessed2 said:

I'd like a source/god who would help me and guide me always, be with me always, like a true friend. But that's not how I've felt, not at all.

That is exactly what you’ve always felt! 

That is why some thoughts, ideas and concepts of a ‘separate self’ feel so discordant . 

On 7/30/2022 at 2:57 PM, Blessed2 said:

 

The disharmony and suffering came up yesterday, she got angry and frustrated. We've talked about the discord and almost even breaking up a few times... But it has never really gotten anywhere for some reason. It's quite clear that something is off and neither of us is really happy, but for some reason we still haven't separated. It's weird and doesn't seem healthy at all. Somehow we just stay together... Like some sort of stream would keep us coming here.

 

Today I said it for the first time, that I think we should break up. I told her how I've felt: repressed, closed off from feeling, closed off from love and compassion, feeling like a prisoner, not having the space to be how & who I am. Kind of feeling too little space. It feels like she is asking for things I cannot give, mainly certain type of intimacy and romance and attention... She (rightly and naturally) wants to feel noticed and loved and cared for, whuch is the point. But for me it feels wrong... For some reason it just makes me feel like I cannot express myself freely, cannot be myself. As if I'm being demanded love. It makes me want to run away. I just don't feel free. Which is obviously not a good sign... Obviously something is wrong within me. Obviously I'm being an asshole here.

Maybe it is just time to move on and there is some fears around that. Nothing’s ‘wrong’ with you! 🙂

On 7/30/2022 at 2:57 PM, Blessed2 said:

 

All around, this whole thing, makes me feel quite horrible. I don't feel like my life is going where I want it to be. I don't feel like my dreams are coming true. I feel stuck, repressed, closed off and heartless. I hoped that when a break-up would finally be at hand, when the pressure and stress would finally be lifted with true honest talk, I would finally feel free boundless again, and feel the heart healing... And maybe even be there for her, to give even a little true love. But there was no change. Still felt the same colourless dull frustration and closed off from spirit or heart. Makes me doubt if any spirit or source/god even exists...

 

Literally like a empty hole in the heart. I cried a bit yesterday and today, because I felt that sting. But just a little bit. Would love to finally burst open and have that true cathartic cry... But it doesn't happen. I've had trouble crying for years. I just feel closed off, even though I'd really like to feel that sting and sorrow and opening up, hearing what the heart says.

 

Interestingly enough, it seems that my girlfriend has it the other way around. She cries like no-one else, a great gift. She cries often and deeply. Truly one if my favourite things about her. I envy her for it. Would love to have that way of emptying. Without it, I feel groundless. As if cannot get the feelings out, so they build up until it's such a mountain that I fear I will just break down mentally and spiritually from the pressure. There, I pray for a cathartic cry, but the only thing that comes is frustration... It sucks. Just one more rock for the mountain.

 

Have tried to figure out where the closed heart & incapablitity to cry and open up and feel the sting and guidance, comes from. I don't get it.

The emotional scale is the way. The universe doesn’t hear what you conceive (concepts) it hears what you mean. Using the emotional scale expressively is like speaking the same language as the universe. If this sounds critical, of course it’s definitely not meant that way. It’s great that you’re communicating & expressing… Notice you are describing yourself, and or feeling (‘how I feel’, ‘I feel X’), which are actually one in the same… with words like horrible, stuck, repressed, closed off, heartless, pressure, stress, closed off from spirit or heart. 

 

To ‘open’ spirit, heart, to feel free & boundless, essentially… make the change of using & expressing with the scale. It kind of ‘rules out’ all the self-conceptualizations. Makes it much much easier.  Get more & more familiar with expressing using the emotions on the scale. Revelations & insights, and releases will occur. Subtle ‘ah ha’s’ will occur… things that get missed will get noticed. Like the ‘separate self’ (of thought) in “I fear I will just break down mentally and spiritually from the pressure.” There isn’t that ‘second self’, that “I”. What gets missed is that fear is felt, is experienced - and is not about you but is about the thought. You don’t have an incapability, you do have an ‘inner being’. It’s not ‘work’ - it’s an uncovering. Self-conceptualization veils, obscures, creates confusion. 

On 7/30/2022 at 2:57 PM, Blessed2 said:

 

I'm sorry that she has to go through this. I'm sorry that she even met me to begin with. I should treat her better. I should be more honest. I should talk more openly how I feel, even if it would hurt her. She has asked me to do that. But I cannot... I don't want to hurt her that way. She would see what a monster I truly am, how selfish I am. That would hurt her bad.

When we judge, it feels discordant. When there is momentum, it feels really discordant. We project this, and become overly concerned for how others will feel. Consider though… she may not be judging ‘herself’, being so hard on herself so to speak with what thoughts she believes, with her idea of herself. I lean very much toward expressing yourself, and giving her the chance to perhaps not judge you, to relate, to understand. 

 

Also, you’re innocent. 100%. Absolutely. You’re doing your best like everyone else. 

There are no shoulds. 

 

On 7/30/2022 at 2:57 PM, Blessed2 said:

 

My intention is not to be an asshole or hurt others... It's not what I want. I never wanted to hurt anyone. It's just that I feel so afraid, so devastated... I feel like I can't 'make it'... I need others to help me, to support me.

You already have help & support. 

Notice & feel the  difference between “I feel so afraid, so devastated “… and I am experiencing the emotion fear… and then expressing jealousy.  This allows the revelation that perhaps others express more of what they do you want and you might recognize you want to express similarly. (And so on up the scale). 

On 7/30/2022 at 2:57 PM, Blessed2 said:

 

In the end, we did not break up today. She cried, I cried a bit, we talked, I went for a walk, tried to clear up. But still no clarity. Don't know what to do. Don't know what I feel, other than that I still feel repressed, frustrated, closed off and lost. And it seems there is nothing I can do, and nothing helps. I feel lost. And every now and then, doubt comes... That what if there really is no guidance, no Spirit.

Doubt of course is an emotion on the scale. It’s how that thought feels. It feels discordant because the very feeling is the guidance. 🤍

Rather than doubt the guidance - feel the guidance which is already and always present!