Blessed2 Posted July 30, 2022 Share Posted July 30, 2022 Me & my girlfriend had a fight and a sad day. We've had problems in our relationship... Mainly it's because of me. I'm not putting 100% in it. I'm being bit of a selfish asshole to be honest. Really, I'm trying my best, but I feel so closed off from how I feel and how others feel and what's the 'right way', so my best isn't that good. For our entire relationship I've felt kind of closed off from feeling the guidance and the presence of source/god. I feel foggy. Not seeing what is the right thing to do. And so I'm frustrated because I feel like I've been left alone in this. I'd like a source/god who would help me and guide me always, be with me always, like a true friend. But that's not how I've felt, not at all. The disharmony and suffering came up yesterday, she got angry and frustrated. We've talked about the discord and almost even breaking up a few times... But it has never really gotten anywhere for some reason. It's quite clear that something is off and neither of us is really happy, but for some reason we still haven't separated. It's weird and doesn't seem healthy at all. Somehow we just stay together... Like some sort of stream would keep us coming here. Today I said it for the first time, that I think we should break up. I told her how I've felt: repressed, closed off from feeling, closed off from love and compassion, feeling like a prisoner, not having the space to be how & who I am. Kind of feeling too little space. It feels like she is asking for things I cannot give, mainly certain type of intimacy and romance and attention... She (rightly and naturally) wants to feel noticed and loved and cared for, whuch is the point. But for me it feels wrong... For some reason it just makes me feel like I cannot express myself freely, cannot be myself. As if I'm being demanded love. It makes me want to run away. I just don't feel free. Which is obviously not a good sign... Obviously something is wrong within me. Obviously I'm being an asshole here. All around, this whole thing, makes me feel quite horrible. I don't feel like my life is going where I want it to be. I don't feel like my dreams are coming true. I feel stuck, repressed, closed off and heartless. I hoped that when a break-up would finally be at hand, when the pressure and stress would finally be lifted with true honest talk, I would finally feel free boundless again, and feel the heart healing... And maybe even be there for her, to give even a little true love. But there was no change. Still felt the same colourless dull frustration and closed off from spirit or heart. Makes me doubt if any spirit or source/god even exists... Literally like a empty hole in the heart. I cried a bit yesterday and today, because I felt that sting. But just a little bit. Would love to finally burst open and have that true cathartic cry... But it doesn't happen. I've had trouble crying for years. I just feel closed off, even though I'd really like to feel that sting and sorrow and opening up, hearing what the heart says. Interestingly enough, it seems that my girlfriend has it the other way around. She cries like no-one else, a great gift. She cries often and deeply. Truly one if my favourite things about her. I envy her for it. Would love to have that way of emptying. Without it, I feel groundless. As if cannot get the feelings out, so they build up until it's such a mountain that I fear I will just break down mentally and spiritually from the pressure. There, I pray for a cathartic cry, but the only thing that comes is frustration... It sucks. Just one more rock for the mountain. Have tried to figure out where the closed heart & incapablitity to cry and open up and feel the sting and guidance, comes from. I don't get it. I'm sorry that she has to go through this. I'm sorry that she even met me to begin with. I should treat her better. I should be more honest. I should talk more openly how I feel, even if it would hurt her. She has asked me to do that. But I cannot... I don't want to hurt her that way. She would see what a monster I truly am, how selfish I am. That would hurt her bad. My intention is not to be an asshole or hurt others... It's not what I want. I never wanted to hurt anyone. It's just that I feel so afraid, so devastated... I feel like I can't 'make it'... I need others to help me, to support me. In the end, we did not break up today. She cried, I cried a bit, we talked, I went for a walk, tried to clear up. But still no clarity. Don't know what to do. Don't know what I feel, other than that I still feel repressed, frustrated, closed off and lost. And it seems there is nothing I can do, and nothing helps. I feel lost. And every now and then, doubt comes... That what if there really is no guidance, no Spirit. Quote Mention Everyone is waiting for eternity but the Shaman asks: "how about today?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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