How to get a girlfriend?

[Someone here]

OK so I'm single and I wish to date an attractive girl.  I have some homosexual tendencies but i think I'm  bisexual leaning more towards straight.  So the ratio Is something like 70% straight and 30% gay .

But anyways ..I don't picture myself marrying a guy ..I want to date a girl .the problem is I'm introverted . I suck at socializing with people..especially strangers ..especially girls . I have almost zero experience in dating . So I want to know how to take action in this area in my life and how to actually get a girlfriend. 

I need to mention that I live in a third world country where there is not bars and night clubs  and sexuality in general is a taboo and most people are sexually suppressed. 

 

Edited July 21, 2022 by Someone here

[MazE]

@Someone here socializing like everything else is something that you can learn and become better at. Just learn more about the topic and take small steps to become better. The internet is full with good and bad information. Even if you get a girlfriend you then need a bunch of other skills to maintain a relationship. 

Not being affected emotionally by what others say or do is very attractive. Having goals, doing your thing, being healthy and generally happy is also attractive. So work on those. Not being poor or unemployed helps too. There is always an option to move to another country but night clubs is not the reason to do that lol. 

[Mandy]

@Someone here Write/talk/think/imagine more about having a girlfriend and how you would feel than you do about why you think you cannot, or why it might be difficult or why you have hesitancies. Focus on why you want it not why it's difficult. 

[Someone here]

@MazE

Any tips on how  to be good on socializing? . I want to become socially dominant and attract people to me magnetically with ease. I want to put in work now improving looks (building my body, taking care of my skin, whitening my teeth,etc

The problem is that taking notes on every interaction and trying to improve started making my social anxiety (which was  less before) way worse and I started basing a lot of my self worth on how well I did in social interactions (How many ppl like me and how many people I made laugh and how cool I appeared to ppl). Now obviously with this much pressure, I started to shit socially because I was up in my head overanalyzing EVERYTHING. Now I am just focusing on improving myself in other ways and just talking to ppl with no outcome dependence. This is gonna take work to rewire my brain but I can do it! I have the power to change and since I don't like the way I feel and am thinking of myself I am gonna focus on improving in other places of my life.

I still want to build an amazing social circle and be a "social god/high value man". Any tips on what I should do now. And have YOU ever went through a similar situation of having too many high expectations?

[Someone here]

@Mandy are you referring to the law of attraction? 

[Mandy]

@Someone here What's that? 

[Someone here]

15 minutes ago, Mandy said:

@Someone here What's that? 

The idea that you attract to your life what you think about/dream about too often .

I noticed it work on my  Food cravings .One minute, I'll be saying "pancakes", and then a friend calls me out and says he wants to treat me pancakes. Other times, it could be just a simple thought, and a few hours/days/weeks later, it just pops out of nowhere. 

With people as well ..Whenever you think of someone, you establish a psychic connection with that person. Sometimes, you might be randomly talking about someone to your friends, and out of the blue, this guy just pops out of nowhere. Or, it might be just that you suddenly thought of him/her and missed him/her ..and that person just appears in an unexpected way.

 When you really want something, it always appears. 

[Mandy]

@Someone here Perfect. Use that then. Same way you get a pancakes or how someone shows up in your life. 

[MazE]

5 hours ago, Someone here said:

@MazE

Any tips on how  to be good on socializing? . I want to become socially dominant and attract people to me magnetically with ease. I want to put in work now improving looks (building my body, taking care of my skin, whitening my teeth,etc

The problem is that taking notes on every interaction and trying to improve started making my social anxiety (which was  less before) way worse and I started basing a lot of my self worth on how well I did in social interactions (How many ppl like me and how many people I made laugh and how cool I appeared to ppl). Now obviously with this much pressure, I started to shit socially because I was up in my head overanalyzing EVERYTHING. Now I am just focusing on improving myself in other ways and just talking to ppl with no outcome dependence. This is gonna take work to rewire my brain but I can do it! I have the power to change and since I don't like the way I feel and am thinking of myself I am gonna focus on improving in other places of my life.

I still want to build an amazing social circle and be a "social god/high value man". Any tips on what I should do now. And have YOU ever went through a similar situation of having too many high expectations?

 

 

The definition of being socially dominant is to not let your emotional and psychological state to be affected whatever someone says or does. Avoid playing social status games with others to appear above. Just stay grounded. It is simple but not easy.

You need to be authentic and at ease. Relaxed in your body and also watch out for bad body language habits and eliminate them. The simplest but most profound realization i had on how to attract people magnetically with ease as you said is to just be a happy person. Credit goes to @Mandy 

to improve looks you need to take it step by step. I had to go through this process after letting myself completely for a few years and eliminate my insecurities. Make a list. Visit the doctors or professionals you need to visit to get your answers. Set some time everyday even 5' to spend on your looks. Sleep, diet and working out are the game changers of everything in life. Good health is the foundation.

if you try hard to be cool you are uncool.  Read some books but don't go crazy with the information and force it in your interactions. A very nice yt channel i discovered a week ago is called julian himself. I think that you will like it.

I once read a book that had 365 mantras on different topics to repeat one in your head for a whole day. One i tried went like this:

Like others, don't care enough if they like you.

Let me tell you this actually works. If someone doesn't like you but you follow through with this most likely they are gonna like you.

 

It's time to say that i'm very much antisocial the last years and i only like a few people. Instead of trying to make everyone like you which is impossible, very tiring, manipulative and needy try to relax and find out who do YOU like. 

 

Having high expectations and not following through is the story of my life. The detail is that there were some years of my life that i did follow through. I know my value and what is possible. It all comes down to this. Focus on the things that you can do today and not more. Even better focus on what action you are doing now. The better now decisions you make the further you get. It is only now after all. 

 

 

[MazE]

I watched just some minutes but he is spot on.

[Phil]

Allow experience to be fun & enjoyable! Allow meeting and talking with new people to be exciting. Notice that is completely up to you and no one else. Think about it how you want to think about it, exercise your preferences and really allow them to do the same. Some will, some won’t, so what!

 

Really allow it to be interesting & fun, and don’t be so hard on yourself. Enjoy your life, enjoy every moment.  Be less conditional, let go of expectations of outcomes. Just because you don’t have experience at something doesn’t mean you suck at it, it just means you don’t have experience at it. Keep it simple and learn as you go, just like anything else. Like any job you’ve had, class you’ve taken, etc.

 

Also notice when you believe thoughts that don’t feel good to you about yourself, you take the wind out of your sails. The power, the attracting, is in letting those thoughts go. If you’re experiencing doubt, call it by name, notice that it is doubt… what you desire and relinquish doubts about does come. 

[Someone here]

Thank you guys for the advice .I have few questions though.  I tried approaching girls a lot these last few months but I always come off as cringe-worthy and a simp. I have this neediness and desperate vibe ..should I even approacha a girl when I'm not preparing what I should say along the conversation? 

. As some smart friend of mine said , it will decrease your social value. A guy that hungrily go after women and tell them they are attractive will be treated as a pariah, unless he is of-the-chart gorgeous. And those guys rarely do it, because they don't have to.

I then Started  talking about something she does instead. A guy that shows interest in personality or current events is incredibly attractive. Sure, every girl wants compliments. But given randomly, they are just a sign of hunger. Attractive women know they are attractive. Most women, attractive or not, have had desperate guys literally following them on the streets, telling them cringey things ("Your eyes are like stars" and other nonsense). The woman smell the desperation and pity them. Have you ever seen the dream boat guy do this in a romantic movie? No, because it sends chills up the spine for most girls, and we don't consider it alluring.

High quality men read the situation. They say something witty about it. The woman will secretly think "does he find me attractive?" She will automatically want him to be drawn to her and work towards that. She will feel a little insecure; "why doesn't he comment on my looks like the other 99 percent of fools?" She will wonder if he already is interested in other women and feel slightly jealous. He obviously doesn't need sex from her, he is too confident. Now that sparks interest.

Most women can have as much sex as they want really, basically at any time. There are tons of men willing to give all kinds of compliments out there to get laid, even if the girl looks like Shrek. So what exactly do girls want from a guy ? Compliments? Looks ? Confidence? Or does it vary from girl to girl ? 

Thanks. 

Edited July 26, 2022 by Someone here

[Phil]

@Someone here

Start an expression journal. Allow discordant beliefs into the light of awareness. Understanding arises & dispels and releases the discordant beliefs. You’ll feel so much better that there won’t be the desperation & self imposed pressure factors of objectifying / trying to obtain someone or some experience believing it will result in feeling better about yourself. Through expression & understanding you’ll be feeling better about yourself so to speak, which naturally attracts. There won’t be so much mentally placed weight on ‘getting’ a girl or guy or experience. Then, paradoxically, the experience desired is actually what happens. 

[Someone here]

@Phil what exactly Is an expression journal?  And how can it help me achieve my goals ?

[Phil]

@Someone here

https://community.actualityofbeing.com/forum/12-expression-journals/

 

I would just start one & experience it to see. At it’s simplest it can be literally just typing thoughts as they arise, seeing them in front of you versus “in your head“ is very different. It also brings about a lot of understanding and therein clarity. There is a lot of ‘getting out of your own way’ & dispelling beliefs, which is fundamental to your dream / vision / manifesting / attracting / achieving goals, whichever terms resonate there. You also so to speak, learn more and more about yourself. 

[Someone here]

@Phil OK I understand now .

 So by expressing my thoughts and desires it helps me organise them and not just leave them as cluster in my mind and that can bring clarity to what I want ,what I don't want ,and how much actual progress I'm making in this direction or that ?

[Phil]

@Someone here

Careful not to make it about something else like organizing or progress. An expression journal is just about expressing. 

In expressing… there is typing out the thought ‘cluster of thoughts in my mind’ - and then it is more readily & easily seen (visually) that that is one thought… and not a ‘cluster of thoughts in a mind’. Same for ‘progress I’m making’. Written on the page, it’s easier to see that is a thought. Making expression a means to an end before experiencing expression kind of hi-jacks the experience before it’s experienced. 

 

[Someone here]

5 hours ago, Phil said:

@Someone here

Careful not to make it about something else like organizing or progress. An expression journal is just about expressing. 

In expressing… there is typing out the thought ‘cluster of thoughts in my mind’ - and then it is more readily & easily seen (visually) that that is one thought… and not a ‘cluster of thoughts in a mind’. Same for ‘progress I’m making’. Written on the page, it’s easier to see that is a thought. Making expression a means to an end before experiencing expression kind of hi-jacks the experience before it’s experienced. 

 

I feel like I can't journal honestly. I always end up writing something that I'm imagining someone else will read? Or as soon as I get to the honest bits I get ashamed and then start correcting myself on the page like I know someone is reading it. Not sure how to get past it.

Also I don't believe I'm a good writer in general. I've had few journals in the actualized forum before ..but I wasn't satisfied with them. I always wondered how come most people's journals were arty and skilful while mine suck 😅

So if you have few suggestions or an outline to start a journal..please Share .

thanks Phil. 

Edited July 28, 2022 by Someone here

[Phil]

4 hours ago, Someone here said:

I feel like I can't journal honestly. I always end up writing something that I'm imagining someone else will read? Or as soon as I get to the honest bits I get ashamed and then start correcting myself on the page like I know someone is reading it. Not sure how to get past it.

Also I don't believe I'm a good writer in general. I've had few journals in the actualized forum before ..but I wasn't satisfied with them. I always wondered how come most people's journals were arty and skilful while mine suck 😅

So if you have few suggestions or an outline to start a journal..please Share .

thanks Phil. 

⬆️ That would be journaling right there. It’s that completely wide-open. There is no right or wrong. You literally cannot get it wrong. You could start as simply as typing thoughts as they arise. 

I think a really significant realization is coming. Sometimes there can be a lot of apprehensive anxiety felt in over thinking future experience. I think the journal can be very helpful with that.

 

[Someone here]

11 hours ago, Phil said:

⬆️ That would be journaling right there. It’s that completely wide-open. There is no right or wrong. You literally cannot get it wrong. You could start as simply as typing thoughts as they arise. 

I think a really significant realization is coming. Sometimes there can be a lot of apprehensive anxiety felt in over thinking future experience. I think the journal can be very helpful with that.

 

OK thanks  

But any suggestions what should I write about ? Just a rough estimate:  Should I write about philosophical topics and contemplating reality (you know I like doing that).or keep it more "practical " ..just about my goals and everyday situations etc 

I think im not that good at writing text walls (long essays)..so I should I keep every post in the journal limited to a small portion of words ? Or just let my thoughts race and write as much as I want free from all these concerns? 

Edited July 29, 2022 by Someone here